planning arguments

heatherv22

Is this normal?  Does planning seem like more of a struggle sometimes than it should be?  I desperately want my fiance and I to be one of those couples that loves the planning process, and is so calm and cool through the whole thing...not happening.Seems like everytime I bring up the wedding or we talk about some aspect of the planning, we get into some argument.  From my brother being a groomsmen, to MONEY, to my mother...ughhhh he constantly tells me he just wants us to elope and skip this whole planning process.  Well, we can't we've got too much money already put down.  Advice?!  How can I help us to be one of those couples that just enjoys the engagement time and stops arguing...we have 10 more months!!  AHH!!

charlsie26

-have a "no planning" night.  Don't even bring up the topic of the wedding.  And try not to have every discussion around the wedding.  -Boys just aren't into weddings, so only include the people that really want to help.  my dh is a pilot, so I did all the planning while he was gone on trips.  then when he got home, i was so tired about planning a wedding, that I didn't talk about it for a few days until he left again.

skiingstark

Talk right after he has eaten a great meal. A man's heart is through their stomach He will be in a happier mood.

squirrly

I don't think we've had an argument about the planning process.  I have vented plenty of planning frustrations, and he's been a champ about listening and telling me we can just do whatever.Have you all really talked about what each of you want?  Maybe he really does want to elope or have a small DW.  And he's hoping you'll come around.  Not that you have to just do what he wants, but your wedding should be a reflection of both of you.  If he's on board with the big picture that you're planning toward, I suspect your fights will diminish a lot.Once you come to a common vision, find out what he cares about and what he doesn't, and get his help with the things he cares about.

betrothed123

We didn't have a single argument.  I planned 99% of the wedding with my mom.  H took care of the music and his and the GMs' attire.  He also came with me to the tasting.  That's all he cared about so that's all I asked him to do.From my brother being a groomsmenDid you force your brother on to him?  That's not cool.  You pick your side of the WP he picks his.  If you want your brother in the WP, he can stand on your side.

sarabellam

How about ask him what is the most important aspect about your wedding, and let him plan that. Then don't let the wedding planning process dominate every. single. conversation.

heatherv22

Thanks so much for all the great advice. I am planning on having my brother be on my side, since the wedding party was something he really wanted to decide and do himself - which I'm all for - so that was the decision we came to.  He still thinks people are going to think it's odd that I have a guy standing on my side.  I think that topic will cool off, it's just hard to help him to understand that it's not uncommon, and that we shouldn't care what others think about our wedding or wedding party.

sarabellam

Oh, and the only real argument we got in was whether to actually have a wedding (what he wanted) vs. just getting married (my choice). He won. Of course, he had a really strong ally in the form of my mom.

J&K10910

Ask him what things he's interested in, and what things he just doesn't care about and only wants price info before you commit.  That way you don't bug him with details he really doesn't care about, but he gets to help with the things he does.  Set a couple days and times to be "wedding planning" conversations.  Scheduling things like that makes it less like you're springing the conversation on him. 

lyndausvi

DH and I did not fight about the planning.   He took care of candy bar, the cake, the recpetion menu, the RD menu (do you see a pattern here?)My mom and I took care of the rest.  About once a month I would ask his opinion on something. I would normally wait till I had a few questions at one time as to not nickel and dime him with questions.The closer to the wedding the more he helped out executing the plans.

NuggetBrain

Take some time away from planning to reconnect as a couple. That might help, especially if he thinks that planning is overwhelming the relationship. Sometimes guys get antagonistic towards planning because they feel it's taking over you guys. Noodle said he didn't care about things, to just make plans. Until I just make plans, then he turns all "WTFFFFFFFFFFFF ZOMG you're doing THAT? NOES." Right now I'm trying to convince him that just because everybody else does a wedding party dance doesn't mean that we need to.

heatherv22

YES!  That's exactly what we're going through.  We don't fight, we just "debate"   He told me the only thing he cared about was his bridal party, and that I should do the rest without him so I don't bug him all the time about wedding stuff.  Well...I started planning and making decisions, and now he's saying, woah, woah, woah..don't I get to help! 

NuggetBrain

Yeah, I think guys feel like they're supposed to say they don't want to have anything to do with wedding planning, because it's supposed to be "women's work" and crap. And some guys really don't care one way or the other. But I think most do have input and ideas of what they want their wedding to be, and don't know how to express them without feeling like their man card has been revoked. So you start to have problems when they tell you to just do whatever, and then what you do isn't want they were hoping for but didn't say.

lyndausvi

I found it easier to do the leg work and give them options.  Example when it came to invitations I picked out my top 3.  Let him give his opinion on those.   WE picked out the one we went with together.  They still feel like they are included that way.

katiewhompus

I did something similar to Lynd. Show him 3 invites and told him to pick one, 2 venue choices, etc. That way he is involved and has an opinion but doesn't feel overwhelmed.Also give yourself a weeks break and don't do anything or talk anything wedding. You have 10 months left which is longer than a lot of us were engaged, so relax and enjoy spending time together. The wedding is a perk on a wonderful relationship and a celebration, don't make it a huge ball of stress.

englishgrams

Don't bring up the wedding while you've been drinking :-P That is the only time we fight because apparently when I am drunk I am far too candid. The other big thing (at least as the money goes) is set a budget and stick to it. Then you can't really argue about it anymore because you already said what you both felt was reasonable to spend.