Crazy Mother = :( (stupid long)

lpstl

This is going to be long. I’m going to try and just cut to the chase.My parents got divorced over 10 years ago. My dad passed away last year. Mom has been incredibly hateful towards him since the divorce, she stopped right around the time that he passed, but now she’s starting it up again. My siblings and I are really close to my dad’s parents, we’re their only grandchildren and they’ve outlived both of their children. My mom is just about as hateful towards them as she is towards Dad.  It’s becoming an issue, again. The past year or so have been manageable, a while ago she and I got in a fight over her behavior and I didn’t speak to her for 6 months. Since then she’s pretty careful about what she says around me, that’s not the case with my siblings. Case in point: For the first time in 10 years my family is going to come to me in St. Louis for Thanksgiving (they all live 300 miles away). I invited my grandparents and my mom flipped out. Not to me, because I think she knows I’m not putting up with it, but to my siblings. My brother, sister, and I all agree we need to sit down with her and lay down the law. We’re done with the guilt trips, manipulations, power struggles, etc. It makes the holidays horrible for us. We aren’t asking her to have every holiday with her ex inlaws (who btw couldn’t be nicer to her, you’d think they were best friends when they all get together), we’re asking her to do it this one time since I really can’t exclude my grandparents from thanksgiving. I’ve heard she’s also biitching about being around them when the baby comes. She’s lost her damn mind (or what’s left of it) if she thinks I’m excluding my grandparents from my son’s baptism, birthdays, holidays, etc. Ok, so, you still with me?Ok, good, you get a cookie. Here’s what I need advice on. We think the best way to do this is to sit down in person and explain that we’re no longer picking sides. A family occasion is a family occasion and we aren’t excluding them because she has a problem. I’m not going to cart a baby all over creation because it’s what she wants. Basically, we need to get it through to her head that it’s not all about her, and all the crying in the world isn’t going to change that. I think that’s the only way we can get things to change. We know she’s going to flip out. It’ll be epic. I feel like I’m going into battle. Any advice on how to have this conversation. Keep in mind we’re dealing with someone who has a martyr complex, is completely unreasonable, and lives in her own fantasy world where our reality doesn’t exist. C/N: Mom is BSC. We need to stop the crazy. How do you do that with a crazy person?

Calypso1977

all of you need to be united, tell her this is the way it is, and tell her that if she keeps it up she'll be the one ousted from your lives - not the grandparents and your dad's relatives.

Night_Sprite

Can you do it on her turf or somewhere neutral?  Some people, especially defensive people, will retaliate and refuse to listen if you're all in a group.  (Think drug addict interventions.)It is good that you and your siblings are going to take a stand.  I hope it won't be completely miserable.   

danieliza1127

I feel for you, I can't imagine having to deal with that especially even now that your dad has passed.  Unfortunately, if she is the way you described, I don't really see you guys being able to change her behavior.  You can tell her that you will no longer put up with it, yes, but you can't and shouldn't expect her to change.  If you expect that, you're just setting yourself up for disappointment.  Go in knowing that the goal is to tell her that you will no longer put up with her behavior and that you won't rearrange family get togethers, not to change her.

mandapanda78

I liked the part where I got a cookie!  Seriously, is your mom related to my mom? Cause they're from the same BSC club. My mom likes to biitch about what a jerk my dad was and how much I'm like him. I rather liked my father and I miss him quite a bit since he's been gone 8 years, so thanks! I digress.Here's a question though- why are your brother and sister running to you to tell you what your mom said after you already set your mom straight about not biitching directly to you? My siblings do this, too and it's just one big vicious circle. I have refused to be part of it. If anyone- mom or sibs- calls to complain or gossip about a person who is not on the phone I cut the conversation short. If you want to confront her you already know she's going to blow up- just be calm and even and insist that if she has that much trouble being around your child's great-grandparents she's welcome to excuse herself.

mandysmear

Ultimatum I guess?  That's a shiity situation.  She needs to grow the hell up.

julezlee

Wow.  Your mom sounds like my mom.  I've had a couple small interventions with my mother but it's always been me on my own doing it.  I think it's good that your siblings are going to do this with you if for no other reason than psychological support.  Unless, of course, she views it as you guys ganging up on her...I don't know that you can ever get through to people like this.  Whenever I *think* I've made a little headway with my mom she ends up regressing down the road, which sounds like what your mom does too.  I think you tell her that family events will include ALL family and you'd really appreciate it if she could not talk about your grandparents in a negative way to any of you.  She's not going to stop being cranky but at least you can let her know that none of you want to hear it.  I think you'll probably have to continue having that conversation at least once a year though.  Where's my cookie?

OhPoopy21

I don't really think you CAN stop the crazy - she is who she is, after all. Just know that you're doing all you can, trying to be as reasonable as possible, and that she may hopefully come around. If she doesn't come around, her BSC doesn't reflect on you. So long as you and your siblings maintain a united front, it will be all you can do. Sorry!

kate51485

Wow...I'm sure that is beyond frustrating and hurtful for you guys that she can't even let it rest after your dad is gone.  I think you have a good handle on it so far, be united as siblings with what you present to her.  As much as you may not want to say it, she should probably hear that she is needed, that you want her in your lives, etc., in the conversation also.  That way in her mind it's not just ganging up on her. 

Nik1202

My mom is totally crazy. She even said if I invite friends of mine that she doesn't care for, she's not showing up to the wedding. I told her in that case I guess she should get ready to be alone that day. She tries to push my buttons. Just stand your ground and she'll either get used to it or get out. That's just my opinion though.

Marina007

What a NIGHTmare. I'm so sorry - I've got crazy family issues, too - my mom refuses to speak to all four of her siblings, and her mother. There is no answer to this. But I think the best thing is to just have the massive confrontations - it has to happen. And just try to be as calm and objective as possible. Have lots and lots of sane, logical arguments on hand. Ie: 1) Your father's parents aren't the same as your parents 2) Your grandparents are most likely old. Suggest that you want to make their final years happy. Since they've lost their son, getting to play a part in their granddaughter and great-grandson's life will make their final years better. 3) There is no reason why one cannot be civil. Sucking it up for civility is something people have done for years. She won't be around them very often. 4) She is not the boss of you. Or your future son. 5) Emphasize that you love her? Best of luck. Family issues are the worst.

tidetravel

Simply present a united front.  If no one indulges her bad behavior, she'll have no one to cry to behind anyone's back.  Eventually, she'll have to be an adult and deal with her feelings herself.  I think Bec said something about a drama mirror the other day.  That would be applicable in this case.It may come down to calling her bluff and treating her the same way we recommend that posters deal with childish parents in regard to weddings.  If she doesn't want to be around the grandparents/child, then she can choose to stay home during family events.  She will miss it, but it will be HER choice.

AlexiaANDRobert

I'm an ultimatum kind of girl.  You ALL need to be on the same page and follow through. If you're saying you will not tolerate her disrespectful behavior, DON'T.  If she is going to be rude, then she is not welcome.  She'll either change her ways or not come.  Be prepared for her to not come though - she sounds stubborn. I'm sorry that you're dealing with this when you should be celebrating your little baby's life. Family brings out the best and worst.

Night_Sprite

Make sure you and your sibs know what your goal is going in.  Don't let it deviate into other mom issues. 

britne28

That's a shame you have to deal with all this craziness.  Stick to your guns, even though it will be hard.  I would definitely explain to her that if she plays nice she will be included, if she doesn't no more invites.  Because you are right, your grandparents are family too.  Drama mama can just have her craziness in her own home.

ac_in_dc

Here's a question though- why are your brother and sister running to you to tell you what your mom said after you already set your mom straight about not biitching directly to you? My siblings do this, too and it's just one big vicious circle. I have refused to be part of it. If anyone- mom or sibs- calls to complain or gossip about a person who is not on the phone I cut the conversation short. I agree. This shiit happens in my family all the time...with my 3 sisters and a BSC mom and the family dynamic being what it is, and it's not particularly productive. Don't let third-hand drama get you down.Sounds like you occupy a similar spot in your family to me (the person that mom is afraid to stand up to b/c she knows you won't take any of her shiit). If I were you, I'd just make sure you are on the same page as your sibs--ie you all agree that grandparents are coming to T'day and mom has to play nice or not show up. Then, call her (just you) and explain to her that you really want to see her on T'day but she is going to have to understand that you will continue to have a relationship with your grandparents as well and she is going to have to deal with that if she wants to see you. It's your house, she's afraid of you, you can do this. If she starts freaking out, nicely end the convo and tell her you will talk to her about it again if she wants when she's calmed down.Bro & sis don't have to do anything but back you up if she calls them to biitch. If you all confront her at once, it will give her a persecution complex. Trust me, I have to do this shiit all the time with my parents, they are like small children.Oh, and don't worry about the future with you & the baby and all that crap. Deal with that later, once the baby is born.Good luck. (sorry for the novel).

RachNRich

I'll take my cookie now thank you!!My only advice: be prepared. For lots. Be prepared for your siblings to not be as on board as you are--if they allow her to bitchNmoan without fighting back on her, there is a possibility that they have added their two cent also.Be prepared for your mom to assume you are choosing sides, and guilt trips that will ensue. She may feel like you are not supporting her if you, and choosing to support her ex-inlaws over her. Perhaps there is more to her dislike of them than you are aware of.Be prepared for your mom to withdraw. She may not want to come to holiday GTG's now, especially if she thinks you and your siblings are choosing sides. Good luck!

carrieoz_76

Tell her that she doesn't need to love how things are shaking out all the time, but she needs to be civil.Y  Then create real consequences for her actions, which you're doing.  You also need to all remain calm no matter what.  When dealing with difficult ppl I literally think in my head "I am a rock in the river.  I let the river flow over me."  Always be the calmer person in the conversation.Lastly, once you've communicated your expectations, you have to let go.  It's her choice to decide whether to be civil or not, and to put in place the necessary consequences if she's not.  That's not something you can worry about.Oh, and enjoy Thanksgiving.!  It's an awesome holiday, so don't be derailed by her crazy.

sudslover

I'm sorry that all parents are not loving and considerate of their children.  You have lost a parent and your mother cannot even comprehend that!  You have every right to maintain a relationship with your paternal grandparents who sound like lovely, caring people.  If you allow your mother's caustic behavior to continue to invade your lives, you will have no peace.  I think it is a good idea that you siblings show a united front.  I would craft a letter that explains your feelings.  I'm sure you love your mother at some level, so be sure to include that.  Have each sibling sign the letter and use it as a guide to your discussion with your mom.  When your discussion is over, leave the letter with your mom.  People like your mom will twist words to their own benefit.  With the letter, it will make your position clear.If your mother chooses to be absent from family gatherings because of her unresolved feelings, that is her choice.  Make it clear that her feelings are just that and should be left at the door.  She has no business invading the memory of your father or the relationship you've nurtured with your father's parents.I wish you all the best.

kmmssg

Here is my mom's POV - yes you all need to sit down with her, and you need to pretty much say what you wrote.  End it with, "Mom, this is what we have all decided works best for us as a family and it isn't open for discussion.  You can choose to join us or you can stay home, it's your choice.  You are welcome and wanted at family functions and so are the g'parents.  If you choose to join us, it needs to be without the griping, crying, and guilt trips.  We are done with those.  It is up to you now, but from here on out, there will be no more of the arguments/crying/etc."I'm thinking it will take a few go rounds for her to see you all mean business.  She sees that you do, but your siblings need to take the same hard stand with her that you have.Good luck.

lpstl

Thank you everyone for all the responses! This has been going on so long that it almost seems normal to us. That's jacked up, I know. It's also why I live 5 hours away.Can you do it on her turf or somewhere neutral?I think that would be best, we'll probably do it at her house. No matter how we do this she's going to accuse us of ganging up on her, but if we do it on her turf she might hang on to a little bit of sanity for a few extra minutes. why are your brother and sister running to you to tell you what your mom said after you already set your mom straight about not biitching directly to you?The short answer is: I'm the oldest. Also, I'm the only one who has had any success dealing with the crazy, so this was brought up to me not so much as a complaint, but as "we need to address this now, how do we do it". I don't mind them coming to me about this stuff, it helps alleviate some of the guilt I have from leaving them with her when I was 18 (I'm halfway joking).Ok, so we need to remain calm, have a plan in place, and don't back down. Got it.

kmmssg

While you may not get her to change the way you are hoping, you HAVE to set these boundaries right now, especially with the baby on the way.  If you all hang tight to the ground rules and she sees you aren't messing around, she will suck it up for the baby. You all HAVE to make this a final discussion and tell her you won't talk about it anymore.  ANYTIME she brings it up, end the convo.  If you are on the phone, tell her "Mom, I told you this was a closed topic.  I'm hanging up now." and do it. If you are together, you need to leave if she keeps at it.  Shut the whole thing down and make sure she sees your boundaries.  If you always remove yourself, she will eventually deal with it. Cookie, please?

BecW2be

Do NOT get into a heated exchange. State your points simply and clearly, and if she reacts with crazy tell her you won't talk until she calms down and then you need to leave. Come back when she's calm and can talk rationally, and let her know that you no longer respond to her outbursts. If that keeps her away from her grandchildren and from you, then that's her fault. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. It's so hard when we feel like we have to parent our parents.

lpstl

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[Deleted User]

In my experience the best thing you can do is anticipate her every move.  Sounds weird, but if you already know how she's going to react then have a plan to respond with.  Be prepared for every possible reaction from her, this way the talk will go a lot smoother (and successful).

Night_Sprite

Also, use I messages "I feel" "I think" and no should, would or coulds

lpstl

This is all awesome advice. I think I'm going to have my brother and sister read this thread. Thank you again everyone!

ac_in_dc

Good luck!

kmmssg

let us know how things go.And... that's not quite the cookie I was hoping for.  I'm hungry!

3plus2=5

I have to agree with others that have said not to allow it to develop into a heated argument.  If it gets to that point it's time to end the conversation and come back to it when heads are a little cooler.  Just state your points and tell her how it's going to be and that you won't pay any attention to her craziness any more.  Boundaries need to be set now before that baby comes along.I'm also not certain from the OP who is going to be sitting down having this chat with her.  If it's just you and your husband I can see this going much better.  If you, your husband and your siblings all come at her she will feel attacked right at the get go and get defensive.

lpstl

It'll be me, my brother, and my sister sitting down with her. I think we're going to have to be very cautious about how we approach her and speak to her though, otherwise she'll immediately accuse us of ganging up on her. There is no way in hell I'd drag H into this, he'd see the crazy and run for the hills.