Interesting Article

LesPaul

Agree Meaghan and Nicole.  Taking DH's name does not diminish my professional or personal achievements as myself.  I choose to take DH's name, simply because I want to be addressed as Mrs. C and not as Ms. H.  I simply do not care for the Ms. title (never have, never will - that's just me). I chose to keep ex-H's name when I divorced, because my children were in elementary school and I wanted my name to remain the same as theirs while they were young.  I could have gone back to my maiden name (which is currently my middle name), but I did not for their sake.  They are now in high school and college, and completely understand why I am taking their stepfather's name, and they are fine with it.

ac_in_dc

I think that there are both good reasons for keeping your name and for taking your H's name. No big deal, do what works for you. But I was genuinely surprised at the lengthy discussion of Mrs./Ms./Miss. I've been a Ms. *forever*, it just seems so much easier than anything else. It's the little black dress of honorifics. Anything else seems like a PITA, unless I'm being referenced alongside my husband, then I'm a Mrs.

skiingstark

"I also think every woman should go by "Ms." and we should get rid of Miss & Mrs. Your title should have nothing to do with your marital status. I think it's sexist that that differentiation is made to women but not men." Completely agree.

missy68

Bec, it is very difficult for me NOT to do that when I see you on here, just so you know..................

AdeleDazeem

I agree, Stage!

ring_pop

I also think every woman should go by "Ms." and we should get rid of Miss & Mrs. Your title should have nothing to do with your marital status. I think it's sexist that that differentiation is made to women but not men. Good for you. But don't take away my choice because you have an issue with it, please.Yeah, this. I LIKE being called "Mrs" and I LIKE having an identifier related to my marital status. If it's an issue with equality, why not create a similar structure for men so that they can also choose to identify themselves as married, or not?

fangsiting

Good for you. But don't take away my choice because you have an issue with it, please.I can't take your choice away.  I don't have that much power to change the way the world works.  I wish I could eradicate sexism from this world, but until I become an evil dictator, you are free to call yourself "mrs."

fangsiting

If it's an issue with equality, why not create a similar structure for men so that they can also choose to identify themselves as married, or not? I'd be fine with that, but what are the chances of that happening?  About the same as "Mrs" becoming extinct. 

ring_pop

If it's an issue with equality, why not create a similar structure for men so that they can also choose to identify themselves as married, or not? I'd be fine with that, but what are the chances of that happening? About the same as "Mrs" becoming extinct. I'm not saying that either is going to happen any time soon, I'm not that naive. I'm just saying that I don't appreciate someone else telling me that I shouldn't be calling myself a Mrs when that's what I like to do. It may have begun as a sexist practice, but I don't see it that way as it applies to me... so why shouldn't I be allowed to call myself what I'd like?

fangsiting

What we do individually effects society as a whole.  On an individual level, it doesn't matter.  I will call people what they wish.  I know many great women who change their names and still remain the same strong and independent women they were before.  It's not a particular woman changing her name or calling herself Mrs. that matters, it's the greater effect of the practice.  The personal is political. 

HawaiianTXbride

I'm taking his name. I'm going to bring up another point. While there are benefits to keeping my maiden name, I know when we have children one day, I want us to have one family name. It's too confusing when parents are have different names than their children.

fangsiting

I think our language greatly effects how we think about things.  Of course, there will always be sexist jerks no matter what is changed.

fangsiting

Oh, and I'm not saying AT ALL that being called Mrs. makes you stupid or incompetent. 

AdeleDazeem

I don't disagree, Hawaiian.I will unofficially go by my husbands last name in more familial settings (like child school functions, etc).  I don't have anything against that.  And I certainly won't be snobby and constantly correct people with "no, actually my name is Dr. MyMaidenName."  That's crazy.My problem is actually walking into an office and officially changing the name I've had since I Was born.   I can't do it.  Don't make me

ring_pop

I get the concept of individual actions shaping society. I just don't think that the existence of an identifier to differentiate your marital status actually has anything to do with sexism. They're separate issues. YES, I get that the practice STARTED as a way to identify women as "property" of their husbands. But (perhaps naively) I would like to think that today, using "Mrs" and taking my husband's name is a way for me to identify myself as part of OUR family.That's why I'm saying, maybe men should be complaining that they don't have the ability to use a title like "Miss/Ms/Mrs". (zomg SEXIST!!!!11!) I don't think it'll happen, but it's just a thought.I know that not everyone thinks like me, but hey... one person's ideas could change society, yeah?

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

On the name issue, personally and professionally I'm not going to change mine, because I'm planning on publishing and being recognized in the academic world, and my name is much more distinctive than my name would be with FI's last name. But if someone calls me Mrs. FIName at my kids' school or something, I'm certainly not going to be upset.Ditto. However, I'm also not okay with being "Mrs. John Smith" for the rest of my life. I also really don't get the whole "it's just your father's name anyway" thing. No, it's my name. My parents chose to give me my first, middle and last name. It's what I've been called since I was born. I'm pretty used to it after 27 years.FWIW, I offered to pay for some of my engagement ring. FI and I decided together to get married - he didn't decide, then spring it on me, and her certainly didn't ask my father. I would have been offended if it was a surprise he decided on his own or if he had been in cahoots with my parents. And he knows that. It's a decision that affects us both equally. He did pay for the ring, but I'm probably paying a bigger portion of the wedding, so it all works out.I also considered a non-traditional ring, but went with an antique diamond ring instead.

tenofcups4me

[i]And I certainly won't be snobby and constantly correct people with "no, actually my name is Dr. MyMaidenName." That's crazy. [/i] Why exactly is it snobby or crazy to want to be known by your actual name? I don't get it. I'm guessing that if your name is Jane and people call you Mary, you wouldn't think it was snobby or crazy to correct them. What's the difference. And Fang, I'm with you completely in my wish that Mrs. and Miss would just go away. I can't think of any good reason that my title should indicate my marital status.

opalsky007

"Yes, I published X article but I've since gotten married and changed my name." This is exactly what I hope to accomplish by keeping my maiden name as my middle. It isn't about someone not believing I wrote a paper. It isn't about a fan club. It's a way, in print, of saying, "yes, I am still the girl who wrote those other articles". The alternative would be to list myself in conference proceedings and journals as S. Newlastname, and have no one know who that is.

AdeleDazeem

Ten - I've heard some women actually get really bent out of shape over people assuming they've taken their husband's name and they DO make a HUGE to-do over making sure everyone in god's earth knows they HAVEN'T.  I was just saying that I wouldn't be one of those women.If my kid's teacher calls me "Mrs. HisLastName," I'm going to let it go.  If someone sends me an invitation with "Mrs. HisLastName," I'll also let it go.  But friends and family who are close to me and my professional coworkers will know I haven't.  That's good enough for me.

tenofcups4me

Joy, I AM one of those women who gets bent out of shape when people assume I took Dh's name. I didn't take his name and I can't imagine why anyone would *assume* I did without asking. In any case, I do correct anyone who gets it wrong, strangers included. And I would certainly make a point to let a teacher or doctor know they've got it wrong -- how could they possibly get it right next time if they don't know they're wrong? I also correct anyone who calls me Miss or Mrs. when they don't know my marital status -- that's exactly what Ms. is for (although I go by Ms. as a matter of course anyway).

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

I'm with Joy - if my 6-year-old kid's friend says, "Thank you, Mrs. Hislastname" there's no need to correct that. It's an honest mistake. FWIW, FI gets called "Mr. Mylastname" at our vet's office and doesn't correct them.

AdeleDazeem

okay, ten.  I just don't take it quite as seriously as you do.  And that's cool!

Moneypenny424

As long as women get to choose, I couldn't care less.  I very much enjoy my four names :)Ten, people assume you've taken DH's name because of the majority of American women in fact change their names.  I'm not saying they *should* assume, or that it wouldn't be annoying, I'm just saying that most of the time, people are correct when they do that.As long as I'm not being called Mrs. Maidenname (implying I'm married to my dad), it's all good.  My default for women is Ms.

georgia_bride09

I also correct anyone who calls me Miss or Mrs. when they don't know my marital status -- that's exactly what Ms. is for (although I go by Ms. as a matter of course anyway). I pronounce Miss and Ms. the same way. How do you correct people? Do you expect to hear Mizz?

tenofcups4me

In my part of the country (Northeast), Miss and Ms. are pronounced distinctly differently. There wouldn't be any confusion. More often than not, though, I hear people use Mrs. as a default (I'm talking telemarketers, people in stores, etc. -- those who have NO idea whether I'm married or not). And I do correct them -- to me, it's a matter of education. MsMery -- again, if you don't correct that 6-year-old, how can he ever know what your name really is? I actually think it's even more important to correct children than adults -- the more kids see that there are various options and that that's perfectly normal, the more accepting they will be of those options.

MeaghanandMichael

My goodness, if I spent my day picking on my friends, family, coworkers and general community for saying something that wasn't quite right, pronouncing something wrong, or blatantly being dumb, I doubt I would have any energy left to do anything else. People make assumptions and mistakes all the time. Are they wrong? Yes. Are they personally trying to belittle you,attack you, and make inappropriate assumptions about you? No. If you really think people are thinking that much about you, you may want to think again.

MeaghanandMichael

And I absolutely agree Stage. I just wouldn't get, "bent out of shape" about it as TenCups admits to doing. I also can imagine why people would assume a woman was married or not married, because it is stupid human nature... not an attack in anyway. Again, is it right? No. Is it worth getting bent out of shape over? No.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

Ok, I do see the point about correcting people to make sure you name is right. However, I guess I'm just not naturally offended if I get called by my FI's last name. As in, I don't think people are idiots or sexist or backwards for assuming my husband and I share a last name, since 80% of couples do. I'm not keeping my name as a crusade against society, necessarily, though it might be an added bonus. I'm doing it because it personally feels right to me.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

In addition, other languages/countries use their version of Miss or Mrs. to denote the age and maturity of a woman, married or not. (Like Mademoiselle vs. Madame, Senorita vs. Senora.) You could call that ageist, or say that there was a time when someone would EXPECT a woman of a certain age to be married, but I think they're less offended by things like this.

tenofcups4me

Wow, how often do you think I'm addressed wrong that I spend my days and nights correcting people? I can't actually think of the last time that I did it. But I HAVE done it and I would do it again. And I DO get annoyed by some of DH's friends who assume we have the same name. They're self-proclaimed hippies, radical liberals, and progressive in every way so it's kind of mind-boggling when one of them *assumes* I took his name. On the other hand, since DH knows it annoys me, he's quick to jump in and correct them so I don't have to (since they're his friends). I had a series of what I thought were crazy conversations when I got married with my next-door neighbor, who was a fairly close friend. She literally didn't seem to understand what I meant when I said I was keeping my name. I especially remember her saying, "But I can still call you guys the Joneses." And I laughed and told her, yes, she could, but she'd be wrong.