"No Ring No Bring" Policy

bballgirl5

I need people's opinions on guests having +1's. We are really trying to keep within the budget my parents gave us and since our place is a little pricy per head we are trying to cut back on people bringing guests. We are definitely going to offer everyone in our bridal party a +1 out of courtesy (but tell them please don't feel obligated to just bring someone) but I really don't want to give anyone else a plus 1 unless they are engaged. I feel like its not fair to give +1's to people who just happen to have a bf/gf at the time of our wedding and not to our single friends but we also don't want to have to pay for a bunch of random +1's. 

I don't want to offend our friends who do have bf/gfs but I also don't want to pick and choose who gets +1's, I want to make it fair across the board.

Thoughts? 

kcscejal

If they are in a relationship they need to be invited with their significant others.

LaBellaVita23

You make it fair by inviting anyone in a relationship with their significant other -- regardless of engagement status.  DH and I dated for 5 years before getting engaged and were just as serious before the ring as after.

And don't tell your WP that they don't have to bring someone.  That's just kinda jerky to do.

ootmother2

Not all SOs are engaged or married.  Invite them with a guest if they are i a relationship

goobersinlove

It's really not okay to do what you are thinking about doing and you absolutely WILL offend people.  If you care to follow proper etiquette, this is the rule:

Anyone with a significant other ("SO") gets invited as a couple with their significant other.  They are what's known as a "social unit" and you do not split up social units.  You say in your OP that you do not want to pick and chose, but by making this "no ring no bring" rule, you ARE picking and choosing.

There are no exceptions to this rule.  It does not matter if they have only been together for a week or 10 years as you do not get to judge the seriousness of someone's relationship. It also does not matter if you have never met the SO before.

Also know that a +1 is different from an SO.  This is how you would address your invitation to your cousin Tommy and his girlfriend:

Mr. Thomas Smith
Ms. Jane Doe

If your cousin Tommy was single, but you wanted to give him the option to bring someone, THAT is a "+1" and you would address his invite like this:

Mr. Thomas Smith and Guest

ETA: The +1 is not something that you are required to do, etiquette wise.  Therefore, it is perfectly acceptable to not to give truly single people a +1 and invite them by themselves.

If you can't afford everyone to be invited with their SO, then you need to trim your guest list.

MyUserName1

boyfriend or girlfriend =/= plus one.

random date = plus one.

You should invite people in relationships together.

You do not need to allow random dates.

FutureMrsMDJahnke

You are not going to get any support here for this idea. However, I have to say that I just don't understand the idea of cutting someone you actually know and care about for a random person you may have never meant and who may not give a fk about you. I know that is what etiquette says...but yeah. I have also been invited, pre and postring, without my FH...and it doesn't really bother me, because he wouldn't really want to go anyway. Haha. I know i'm going to get in trouble for this...

LaBellaVita23

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_no-ring-no-bring-policy?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1236018e-d761-472c-a7d4-63236686edb7Post:0e61167b-8493-4f3f-9f2a-89b286a8d562">Re:quot;No Ring No Bringquot; Policy</a>:
[QUOTE]You are not going to get any support here for this idea. <strong>However, I have to say that I just don't understand the idea of cutting someone you actually know and care about for a random person you may have never meant and who may not give a fk about you.</strong> I know that is what etiquette says...but yeah. I have also been invited, pre and postring, without my FH...and it doesn't really bother me, because he wouldn't really want to go anyway. Haha. I know i'm going to get in trouble for this...
Posted by FutureMrsMDJahnke[/QUOTE]
Because it's about being a good host and ensuring your guests are comfortable.  This is why you should have your guestlist (with the correct SO's and possible plus one's) complete when deciding on the budget for your venue.  This would have ensured that you could host everyone properly without cutting someone you want for someone "who may not give a fk about you."

NOLAbridealmost

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_no-ring-no-bring-policy?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1236018e-d761-472c-a7d4-63236686edb7Post:0e61167b-8493-4f3f-9f2a-89b286a8d562">Re:quot;No Ring No Bringquot; Policy</a>:
[QUOTE]You are not going to get any support here for this idea. <strong>However, I have to say that I just don't understand the idea of cutting someone you actually know and care about for a random person you may have never meant and who may not give a fk about you.</strong> I know that is what etiquette says...but yeah. I have also been invited, pre and postring, without my FH...and it doesn't really bother me, because he wouldn't really want to go anyway. Haha. I know i'm going to get in trouble for this...
Posted by FutureMrsMDJahnke[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>It's quite simple: you don't invite them for their own sake. You invite them because it's soooo unbelievably inconsiderate to your friend/relative (who you DO presumably know and have met) not to invite their S/O.</div><div>
</div><div>OP, you've been given great advice. There's no need to give a plus 1 to someone who is single (aka, considers his/herself without a bf/gf/FI/H).  If someone thinks they are part of a couple, you MUST invite the S/O. No exceptions.  

</div>

erollis

Please invite the SO's of your friends and family. I was with my H for 8 years before he proposed. I know we would have been hurt and put off if one of us wasn't invited at anypoint in our relationship. 

FutureMrsMDJahnke

Okay, it does make sense...for what it is worth, I am inviting SOs. I guess it just rubs me the wrong way when people say "you need to cut your guest list to make room for the SOs"...but I guess if everyone did it right from the start they wouldn't have to trim anyway. You are right.

angryangry

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_no-ring-no-bring-policy?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1236018e-d761-472c-a7d4-63236686edb7Post:0dbea5a2-e77d-47da-98ff-28adb7716366">"No Ring No Bring" Policy</a>:
[QUOTE]I need people's opinions on guests having +1's. We are really trying to keep within the budget my parents gave us and since our place is a little pricy per head we are trying to cut back on people bringing guests. We are definitely going to offer everyone in our bridal party a +1 out of courtesy (<strong>but tell them please don't feel obligated to just bring someone</strong>) but I really don't want to give anyone else a plus 1 unless they are engaged. I feel like its not fair to give +1's to people who just happen to have a bf/gf at the time of our wedding and not to our single friends but we also don't want to have to pay for a bunch of random +1's.  I don't want to offend our friends who do have bf/gfs but I also don't want to pick and choose who gets +1's, I want to make it fair across the board. Thoughts? 
Posted by bballgirl5[/QUOTE]

<div>Please don't say this to your wedding party. It is totally passive aggressive and rude. </div>

littleluckypenny

A significant other is not some random date.  A SO is part of a social unit, and you can't break a social unit.  You also can't place your own judgement on if a couple is "serious" or not.  People can be together for years without getting engaged or married, does that mean because they don't have a ring, it's not a relationship? 

If the person considers the person they're seeing as their BF/GF, that BF/GF requires an invitation, BY NAME, not Suzy James +1 or Suzy James and guest.

nmessina1226

Just as personal experience, my fiancee just got invited to a wedding in November without me and his friend's reasoning was because we aren't married yet. Yet they've been together a shorter amount of time than we have been, so what warranted them to say our relationship was less serious because they happen to have their wedding date planned before ours? I didn't think I would care, but then when I actually had the envelope in my hand addressed to just him, it was a bit miffing.
Some people will care about not being invited with their SO, but some people will. Do you want to take the chance hurting a good friend that their relationship isn't as important as someone else's?

RamonaFlowers

DH and I were together for 3 years before we got engaged/started living together, but we were serious and were certain we were heading for marriage pretty early on (I'm talking only a few months). I would have been pretty upset if our relationship wasn't considered "good enough" for both of us to be invited to a wedding during that time just because we weren't engaged yet.

You don't have to give single people a +1, but as for couples that are already together, you have no right to determine who is and isn't "serious" about each other.

Summer2011Bride

What everyone else says. Also, there are people who are in very serious, committed relationships who choose to never get married/engaged. One of my co-workers is divorced and she and her boyfriend have dated for over ten years. They both are divorced, have adult children, and are completely happy the way their life and relationship currently is. Neither has an interest in getting re-married. So I guess they'd never get invited to weddings together then because they won't ever get engaged? That's just so silly. As everyone else has pointed out, an e-ring =/= committed relationship. You can be completely committed and only be together for a few months. There are also some people who choose never to marry.

BrittneyRN

My sister and her boyfriend have been together for over 5 years, and livied together for over 4. They may or may not get married someday, but they are very serious. So, according to your standards, if they never get married, my sister shouldn't be invited as his guest to weddings?

bonge

I was with my fiance for 4 years before we got engaged, lived together after 3 months. He never used to want to get married & he got burned bad before so he wanted to take his time. He had a ring 5 months before we got engaged but he took it back when he heard me saying i didn't like white gold. It took him 5 more months to find the perfect ring again. Does that mean we weren't serious enough? 

I would have been apalled & so would he if we were expected to go to a function without the other. We don't always stay together at events but we always start out together, neither of us would attend without the other. 

It is rude & your guests will think so too. If they are truely single you do not have to give them a guest. 

mkrupar

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_no-ring-no-bring-policy?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1236018e-d761-472c-a7d4-63236686edb7Post:f82907a1-060f-4fdc-8b9a-91a45f10c2fa">Re: "No Ring No Bring" Policy</a>:
[QUOTE]Just as personal experience, my fiancee just got invited to a wedding in November without me and his friend's reasoning was because we aren't married yet. Yet they've been together a shorter amount of time than we have been, so what warranted them to say our relationship was less serious because they happen to have their wedding date planned before ours? I didn't think I would care, but then when I actually had the envelope in my hand addressed to just him, it was a bit miffing. Some people will care about not being invited with their SO, but some people will. Do you want to take the chance hurting a good friend that their relationship isn't as important as someone else's?
Posted by nmessina1226[/QUOTE]

This.is.terrible. I hope your FinacE (guys get one E, girls get two E's), declines the invitation to these people's wedding. They're rude for doing this.

OP everyone's said it. Truly single people do not need +1s. If someone considers themselves to be in a relationship at the time you send your invitations you should include their SO. If after you send your invitations someone starts dating someone 3 weeks before the wedding, that is a case where you do not necessarily need to invite the SO because of the timing. But, it would be nice if you could squeeze them in.

chumlee7478

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_no-ring-no-bring-policy?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1236018e-d761-472c-a7d4-63236686edb7Post:0dbea5a2-e77d-47da-98ff-28adb7716366">"No Ring No Bring" Policy</a>:
[QUOTE]I need people's opinions on guests having +1's. We are really trying to keep within the budget my parents gave us and since our place is a little pricy per head we are trying to cut back on people bringing guests. We are definitely going to offer everyone in our bridal party a +1 out of courtesy <strong>(but tell them please don't feel obligated to just bring someone) </strong>but I really don't want to give anyone else a plus 1 unless they are engaged. I feel like its not fair to give +1's to people who just happen to have a bf/gf at the time of our wedding and not to our single friends but we also don't want to have to pay for a bunch of random +1's.  I don't want to offend our friends who do have bf/gfs but I also don't want to pick and choose who gets +1's, I want to make it fair across the board. Thoughts? 
Posted by bballgirl5[/QUOTE]

Please don't do this.  This is incredibly rude.  Your bridal party is contributing time, energy and money to be in your wedding and stand up for you.  They all get dates, and if they want to bring a random date, they can.  What's more important to you: saving a few bucks, or your friends' comfort at your event?  It won't matter in 5 years how much you spent, but people will remember (and never forget) how you treated them.  Put yourself in their shoes.  If it feels weird/awkward/rude, it is, so don't do it. 

I gave all of my bridal party plus ones or dates (if they were with someone at the time the invites went out).  One of my bridesmaids had just gotten engaged, so her fiance's name was on the invite.  My maid of honor had just gotten out of a horrendous relationship, so I knew she wasn't coming with her ex, but I still gave her a plus one. She brought her co worker, who had a blast at the wedding.  All of the rest of the girls had the plus one given to them (they weren't in relationships), and all but one came single.  One girl brought her sister, who we've known for years and had a blast.  Our Best Man brought his wife, my brother brought his best friend, and the other groomsmen was invited with his wife and child, but he came single (his wife is 7 months pregnant and wasn't up to the event). 

Guess what I see when I look at my pictures? Smiling, happy guests having a good time at my wedding. No one was left out.  I realize that at a certain point, "the more the merrier" gets insanely expensive, and cuts have to be made somewhere.  But I filled the room with people who had a good time, and cut in other areas.  No one noticed we didn't do traditional centerpieces, or that we bought our candles and votives wholesale, and they thought cupcakes were a great idea instead of overly expensive cake.  We treated everyone like we want to be treated, and they left feeling like family.  That was our intention, and while I can't say we spared no expense, we certainly made every penny count towards having a day where people felt the love and inclusion at our wedding.

mrsrichard33

well you will have no problem cutting the costs, because no one will come without their significant other if thats what you choose to do.

Sephiroth

Strangely, Chumlee7478, your post is the only post that I can see in this thread.

But from what you quoted, I think you might have possibly misinterpreted the person quoted in the bolded. She seems to be saying that she IS giving her WP plus ones, but wants to make it clear to them that they don't HAVE to bring someone if they aren't psyched about it - i.e., she's trying to alleviate that feeling of 'oh crap, if I don't bring a date, I'm going to look like a loser'.

As for the person quoted (who I think might be the OP?): The social unit rule has most *definitely* been extended to include not only married and engaged couples, but also cohabiting couples. There's no etiquette maven I know of that would excuse you if you did not invite someone's cohabiting SO. Additionally, while Miss Manners would find it not strictly necessary to invite SOs that were not cohabiting, you're going to look like an enormous jerk if you don't. (And Peggy Post would say you're required to invite them by etiquette if the relationship is reasonably serious.)

It's not 'unfair' to invite hypothetical Mary's serious boyfriend, and not invite hypothetical truly-single Tom without a date. While it can be nice to invite Tom with a random date, it's not required. But you really do need to invite Mary's serious boyfriend - even if they aren't living together, you're just going to make yourself look terrible if you don't. If they are living together, it's unquestionably rude.