How do you gently tell the average person....

tigger9922

that they don't get 2 weddings?  No matter how special their circumstances are.  A friend of mine is getting married tomorrow, in her apt, because she is pregnant and her bf is in the military and she needs to be on his insurance.  I understand the practicality of their situation.....but I shiver every time she mentions how she will do it different later on, and how her "real" wedding will be this or that.  I keep encouraging her to make this special since it will still be her wedding day, but she is not concerned at all, since she will be getting her AW day later on. 

Would you stand your ground, send her a card and gift now since she is getting married?  Or cave to her fantacy and wait until the fake wedding happens to give something?

sarabellam

Send her a card or gift now, send her a card or gift for her vow renewal, I don't really see why you give a hairy rat's ass if she wants to be an AW later. Does it affect you? In any way, shape, or form? Didn't think so.

noodle_oo

I would just try to be happy for her and supportive.  She's in a tough situation.  Don't kill her fantasy when she's goign through so much now.  I'd probably get her a card and small gift now.  And then if she goes through with the big wedding, something then too. But I'm guessing once they have the baby, they might not care so much about the big wedding.

Audrey&Austin

I think you should state your opinion now, let her know how you feel, and then let it go. When it coems time for the faux-wedding, if ti still bothers you, don't send a gift.

KEP_031509

It's not your place to tell her what she can and can't do. It may be tacky and AWish, but it really doesn't concern you. If you don't like it, don't go to the fake wedding.

MattsPenguin

I know this is an unpopular opinion, but I really believe that there are special circumstances where two weddings are appropriate.  This would probably be one of them.

I do agree that you should encourage her to make this special.  Maybe buy her some flowers for a bouquet or something.

tigger9922

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_gently-tell-average-person?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:127db14c-f590-433d-afb1-42d5469a9971Post:51498b0c-ff08-44ec-a058-aba95df40f69">Re: How do you gently tell the average person....</a>:
[QUOTE]I would just try to be happy for her and supportive.  She's in a tough situation.  Don't kill her fantasy when she's goign through so much now.  I'd probably get her a card and small gift now.  And then if she goes through with the big wedding, something then too. But I'm guessing once they have the baby, they might not care so much about the big wedding.
Posted by noodle_oo[/QUOTE]

That's what I'm thinking too, which is why I keep encouraging her to make this one special.  I think she will regret it later on, especially if they aren't able to do a big wedding.  I have offered up anything and everything that she may need and she just isn't concerned about any of it.  But she sounds sad about the whole thing, so I don't want to be mean about it. 

tigger9922

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_gently-tell-average-person?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:127db14c-f590-433d-afb1-42d5469a9971Post:816390b6-911a-42a8-ade8-58822d109f8d">Re: How do you gently tell the average person....</a>:
[QUOTE]It's not your place to tell her what she can and can't do. It may be tacky and AWish, but it really doesn't concern you. If you don't like it, don't go to the fake wedding.
Posted by KEP_031509[/QUOTE]

thanks, and I don't plan to attend later on.  That just seems silly to me.  When a mutual friend of ours (her best friend), happened to get pregnant about a year before she was supposed to get married.  She just had her baby and is still planning on having a small wedding this Sept.  Friend 1 is just really inconsiderate of others to the point that she told her best friend that she needed to move her wedding date because she (friend 1) just might give birth around that time...so that just won't work.  She's a sweet girl, but just doesn't think sometimes. 

emilyinchile

You've told her how you feel, so she's presumably aware that she may offend some people with her choice, and yet she's still choosing to do this.

Give her the gift whenever you feel like it - it's a gift, it's not mandatory. If you want to give her the gift now then go for it, but I wouldn't turn it into some big display of "standing my ground" just because I disagree with her choice.

tigger9922

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_gently-tell-average-person?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:127db14c-f590-433d-afb1-42d5469a9971Post:e5e98354-aa6d-4f61-80fe-1509db6a7595">Re: How do you gently tell the average person....</a>:
[QUOTE]For me, in planning my own wedding or events, it is important to me to follow the 'rules' of etiquette, in order to be respectful of, and polite toward, my guests. At the same time though, I don't really understand being outraged or affronted particularly by other people's breaches of those 'rules', especially in situations like this where its relatively harmless (rather than, say, demanding monetary gifts). Honestly, I would never have a delayed reception or vow renewal or 'second wedding', but I would not be super judgey if one of my friends did. Well, if it was one of my dearest friends, I might try to tactfully suggest that some people might frown upon such an event, but if she was set on it, then I really wouldn't want to detract from her happiness by making her feel terrible and rude for something she almost certainly never dreamt would offend anyone.  And frankly, while it might not be ideal, in the scheme of things, who cares? It doesn't seem like she's trying to grub two sets of presents or anything. If the idea of two 'weddings' really bugs you, don't have two weddings. I think its strange you are so upset by this. 
Posted by sunny1713[/QUOTE]

Not really upset, just annoyed.  And like I said, I'm trying to help her make this one special because there is no guarantee she will get another one. 

I mostly feel bad for the mutual friend though.  She is closest to her and having a hard time meeting all the expectations of helping her move into a bigger apt, plan her baby shower, and now the wedding.  AND she wants the mutual friend to change her wedding date to accomodate a 'possible' early birth.  The mutual friend has had her wedding date set for well over a year now. 

melissamc2

The mutual friend doesn't HAVE to do anything.  If she is making the choice, that's on her.  It's nice for you to think of your friends' feelings, but it kind of comes across as a bit controlling in regards to both women.  YOU don't feel it's the right thing to do and YOU don't like it and YOU think this is too much on the mutual friend.  I'm not trying to be mean, but none of it is about you.  Having your feelings on it and how you'd do it is natural and we all have that - but you don't "tell" others "how" they can do it...or do anything, really.  Do what you feel is comfortable for you and leave it at that.

Good luck.

psichick

if she calls the event in october a vow renewal or a celebration of their marriage, no harm no fowl. but if she plays it off like it's her wedding and people don't know that she's already married, well that i would definitely give the side eye too. 

Calypso1977

while not a popular opinion, i have issues wtih people who get married just to get health insurance, especially now with health care reform - isnt everyone supposed to have coverage now?  kinda negates the meaning of marriage to me.  but i also dont think pregnancy in general is a reason to get married.

that aside, your friend is getting married tomorrow.  i'd get the card and gift now, and if she does the AW thing later, i wouldnt buy another gift since youve already purchased her a gift for her marriage.

Patineuse1124

I think this is actually not that uncommon for people to get married in a small civil ceremony for legal/insurance reasons, and then have a real wedding later on.  I personally know couples who have done this, one in the military and was about to be deployed, so they had a real ceremony when he got back.