"Secret" Reception?

AMD0985

My FI and I are not very close with his family. Though we've never understood why, we have always felt they do not support our relationship. We have talked to them about it and we get along with them when we see them, but we aren't very close and neither side makes much of an effort to be "close" but all parties seem fine with this. We are working with a VERY limited budget and his family alone is a total of about 50 people. (We wanted a guest list of around 60). We are paying for the wedding ourselves. Though we don't want to leave his family completely out of the picture because we could regret it later, we don't want to spend a large amount of money nor share our day with dozens of people we never see or spend time with. We are entertaining the idea of having a daytime ceremony and inviting everyone from both sides of the family then, later that evening, having a very, very small "reception" that will allow us to have a first dance and dinner and drinks with our closest friends. I would love to hear thoughts and ideas from others, especially those who have been in similar situations.

Avion22

Everyone gets invited to everything.  Or to nothing.  You choose.  To invite some people to parts of the wedding and not to others is really rude.  If you're not that close, then don't invite them at all.  Or adjust your wedding to accomodate more people.  

artbyallie

You have to host something for everyone who attends your ceremony, even if it's just punch and cake. That's the reception, which is a thank you for witnessing your marriage.

I would advise not hosting a fancier event on the same day for only some of the guests. That reeks of a tiered reception, which is extremely rude.

You simply don't have to invite people that you don't want there. What does this 50 on his side include, anyway? Cut it down to his parents, siblings, grandparents, and maybe aunts and uncles if he's close to them. You don't need to invite all his cousins or whatever.

OliveOilsMom

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_secret-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:14601935-8f2a-4a86-8159-3117565834a4Post:32a40d23-ee94-46e7-aaea-c5e703c3d4b3">"Secret" Reception?</a>:
[QUOTE]My FI and I are not very close with his family. Though we've never understood why, we have always felt they do not support our relationship. We have talked to them about it and we get along with them when we see them, but we aren't very close and neither side makes much of an effort to be "close" but all parties seem fine with this. We are working with a VERY limited budget and his family alone is a total of about 50 people. (We wanted a guest list of around 60). We are paying for the wedding ourselves. Though we don't want to leave his family completely out of the picture because we could regret it later, we don't want to spend a large amount of money nor share our day with dozens of people we never see or spend time with. <strong>We are entertaining the idea of having a daytime ceremony and inviting everyone from both sides of the family then, later that evening, having a very, very small "reception" that will allow us to have a first dance and dinner and drinks with our closest friends.</strong> I would love to hear thoughts and ideas from others, especially those who have been in similar situations.
Posted by AMD0985[/QUOTE]

That just had bad idea written all over it.  Don't have a tiered wedding, they are rude.  All guests invited to the ceremony needed to hosted the same way during the reception.

Peledreamsofrain

You can't do it that way without insulting people. The reception is a thank you for your guests for attending your wedding. So if they came to your wedding, they have to also be invited to the reception. To not do so is a public snubbing. Set your budget and invite who you can afford to. The end. If you absolutely MUST have more than you can afford, wait to marry until you have enough saved.

cwaggoner07

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_secret-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:14601935-8f2a-4a86-8159-3117565834a4Post:d8d76816-9919-4213-9eb2-a754072b946b">Re: "Secret" Reception?</a>:
[QUOTE]Another option would be to just invite his immediate family: mom, dad, siblings (with spouses) and grandparents.
Posted by Edie Bee[/QUOTE]

Agreed. This sounds like a case of less is more.
And don't do a tiered reception. They WILL see pictures and they WILL find out, and then everything will really be bad.

QueerFemme

Agree with everyone else.  Don't do what you are considering.  invite the people you are close to (parents, siblings, grandparents, etc.) but don't invite extended relatives that you don't see often or talk to on a regular basis.  

It's all or nothing in these circumstances.  Invite them, or don't.

Jen4948

Don't do tiered hospitality or a "secret" reception for a few.  Those not included could well find out and their feelings will be terribly hurt.  Don't run that risk.

AMD0985

Wow! I didn't expect so many responses so soon. I should have mentioned that the initial ceremony would include some sort of small "reception" (i.e. cake and punch). We are often excluded from their family events/functions so I guess I assumed that having an additional recption (really, just a party) with our closest friends wouldn't be so scandalous, especially if we are including everyone in the ceremony. Also, we have discussed only inviting some members of his family but are not sure where to draw the line because, as a whole, they are a pretty tight knit group and we are equally close (or not close) to all them.  A friend of mine suggested hosting a "first party as a married couple" a week or so after the ceremony so it isn't really part of the wedding/ceremony. I think it may be easiest to elope! Thanks for your ideas/suggestions!

jessicabessica

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_secret-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:14601935-8f2a-4a86-8159-3117565834a4Post:c429e6de-cbec-4bbe-b2d8-43758b16cd9d">Re: "Secret" Reception?</a>:
[QUOTE]Wow! I didn't expect so many responses so soon. I should have mentioned that the initial ceremony would include some sort of small "reception" (i.e. cake and punch). We are often excluded from their family events/functions so I guess I assumed that having an additional recption (really, just a party) with our closest friends wouldn't be so scandalous, especially if we are including everyone in the ceremony. Also, we have discussed only inviting some members of his family but are not sure where to draw the line because, as a whole, they are a pretty tight knit group and we are equally close (or not close) to all them.  A friend of mine suggested hosting a "first party as a married couple" a week or so after the ceremony so it isn't really part of the wedding/ceremony. I think it may be easiest to elope! Thanks for your ideas/suggestions!
Posted by AMD0985[/QUOTE]

<div>I think having the close friend party as a separate event--a different day, not wedding related--could be a good solution if you cannot invite some of his family and not others.  Have your ceremony and cake and punch, then a few weeks later have a BBQ/holiday/cocktail/whatever party and keep it to closest friends.</div>

QueerFemme

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_secret-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:14601935-8f2a-4a86-8159-3117565834a4Post:c429e6de-cbec-4bbe-b2d8-43758b16cd9d">Re: "Secret" Reception?</a>:
[QUOTE]Wow! I didn't expect so many responses so soon. I should have mentioned that the initial ceremony would include some sort of small "reception" (i.e. cake and punch). We are often excluded from their family events/functions so I guess I assumed that having an additional recption (really, just a party) with our closest friends wouldn't be so scandalous, especially if we are including everyone in the ceremony. Also, we have discussed only inviting some members of his family but are not sure where to draw the line because, as a whole, they are a pretty tight knit group and we are equally close (or not close) to all them.  A friend of mine suggested hosting a "first party as a married couple" a week or so after the ceremony so it isn't really part of the wedding/ceremony. I think it may be easiest to elope! Thanks for your ideas/suggestions!
Posted by AMD0985[/QUOTE]

Anything that occurs on the same day and/or is wedding related, shouldn't have tiers.  So, if you want to do sort of an "open house" party a week or a month later that is non-wedding related, then that's fine.   

Honestly though, if you are going to host them for a party in your home a week or month later, why not just invite them to the wedding and get it over with?

SB1512

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_secret-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:14601935-8f2a-4a86-8159-3117565834a4Post:c429e6de-cbec-4bbe-b2d8-43758b16cd9d">Re: "Secret" Reception?</a>:
[QUOTE]Wow! I didn't expect so many responses so soon. I should have mentioned that the initial ceremony would include some sort of small "reception" (i.e. cake and punch). We are often excluded from their family events/functions so I guess I assumed that having an additional recption (really, just a party) with our closest friends wouldn't be so scandalous, especially if we are including everyone in the ceremony. <strong>Also, we have discussed only inviting some members of his family but are not sure where to draw the line because, as a whole, they are a pretty tight knit group and we are equally close (or not close) to all them.</strong>  A friend of mine suggested hosting a "first party as a married couple" a week or so after the ceremony so it isn't really part of the wedding/ceremony. I think it may be easiest to elope! Thanks for your ideas/suggestions!
Posted by AMD0985[/QUOTE]

I'm a little unsure as to how FI's family being tight knit with each other (but not with you guys) makes drawing a line difficult.  Invite immediate famliy to the entire event as others have suggested.  If someone asks why the aunts/uncles/cousins are not there explain that you want a smaller wedding and are unable to invite everyone you want there.  If you guys are paying you have full say in the guest list.  If FI's family wants those other relatives included, they can pony up some $$ to pay for them.

Simply Fated

"A friend of mine suggested hosting a "first party as a married couple" a week or so after the ceremony so it isn't really part of the wedding/ceremony." I thought this whole thing was about money being tight. Are you hoping to win the lottery sometime between your wedding day and a week later for this party?

NYCMercedes

I just don't get where this all comes from. How can people dream this stuff up? How can you exclude your husband's family and have a secret reception? How can you consider hiding your first dance? Sit down with your FI and FIL's and come up with a smaller guest list. Have one reception. Go out drinking with your friends after the reception, if they're that important to you.

monkeysip

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_secret-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:14601935-8f2a-4a86-8159-3117565834a4Post:6c792881-f0a0-4a6d-bd1e-3222cc559f0a">Re: "Secret" Reception?</a>:
[QUOTE]I just don't get where this all comes from. How can people dream this stuff up? How can you exclude your husband's family and have a secret reception? How can you consider hiding your first dance? Sit down with your FI and FIL's and come up with a smaller guest list. Have one reception.<strong> Go out drinking with your friends after the reception,</strong> if they're that important to you.
Posted by NYCMercedes[/QUOTE]

Exactly.  Have your ceremony, have your reception, and feed them cake and punch.  Have a first dance, and cut the cake.  It can be cheap and as long/short as you want.  Everybody's happy.

Then, later that evening, go out for dinner or drinks with your friends, but spread it by WORD OF MOUTH... not formal invites.  It's not a formal "event"... and you're not paying.  You're just spending some extra time with those friends that want to go.  But they don't have to.

QueerFemme

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_secret-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:14601935-8f2a-4a86-8159-3117565834a4Post:1c264922-3752-4680-8dc4-c7ba79549355">Re: "Secret" Reception?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: "Secret" Reception? : Exactly.  Have your ceremony, have your reception, and feed them cake and punch.  Have a first dance, and cut the cake.  It can be cheap and as long/short as you want.  Everybody's happy. <strong>Then, later that evening, go out for dinner or drinks with your friends, but spread it by WORD OF MOUTH... not formal invites.  It's not a formal "event"... and you're not paying.</strong>  You're just spending some extra time with those friends that want to go.  But they don't have to.
Posted by monkeysip[/QUOTE]

I agree with this, sort of.  But, be careful about doing this.  You don't want to be secretive about the word of mouth thing.  Someone on FI's will hear "oh, they are going out with HER family and HER friends later, but we aren't invited.

You could say "husband and I will be at X bar later, if you all want to stop by".  But, you need to make sure you aren't spreading it by word of mouth on the down low. 

AMD0985

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_secret-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:14601935-8f2a-4a86-8159-3117565834a4Post:6c792881-f0a0-4a6d-bd1e-3222cc559f0a">Re: "Secret" Reception?</a>:
[QUOTE]I just don't get where this all comes from. How can people dream this stuff up? How can you exclude your husband's family and have a secret reception? How can you consider hiding your first dance? Sit down with your FI and FIL's and come up with a smaller guest list. Have one reception. Go out drinking with your friends after the reception, if they're that important to you.
Posted by NYCMercedes[/QUOTE]

Well, I don't understand why people think that it is acceptable to berate and insult people through these boards. You all are aggressively calling me rude for something I haven't even done but aren't being so kind yourselves.

I do not wish to "hide" my first dance. And, honestly, the point here is not necessarily about not wanting to spend the money (that just adds to it). The bottom line is that we are not close nor do we plan to be and we would like to have a celebration with our closest friends because those are the people we are most <em>comfortable</em> with and want to share the day with. There are many reasons for this. As I've mentioned before, we have been left out of several family functions (including a sibling's recent wedding). That's just the way things are with us, unfortunately. I am just trying to find a compromise.

AMD0985

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_secret-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:14601935-8f2a-4a86-8159-3117565834a4Post:f196b9c5-b7b5-46c6-b4d4-b0193bfbdee0">Re: "Secret" Reception?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: "Secret" Reception? : Anything that occurs on the same day and/or is wedding related, shouldn't have tiers.  So, if you want to do sort of an "open house" party a week or a month later that is non-wedding related, then that's fine.    Honestly though, if you are going to host them for a party in your home a week or month later, why not just invite them to the wedding and get it over with?
Posted by cmgilpin[/QUOTE]

The party would be for just close friends and family, not everyone. Either way, everyone would be invited to the ceremony and a small reception.

monkeysip

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_secret-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:14601935-8f2a-4a86-8159-3117565834a4Post:4093b0e8-ccfb-4211-9e12-534e36ce56ec">Re: "Secret" Reception?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: "Secret" Reception? : I agree with this, sort of.  But, be careful about doing this.  You don't want to be secretive about the word of mouth thing.  Someone on FI's will hear "oh, they are going out with HER family and HER friends later, but we aren't invited. You could say "husband and I will be at X bar later, if you all want to stop by".  But, you need to make sure you aren't spreading it by word of mouth on the down low. 
Posted by cmgilpin[/QUOTE]

This is what I meant.  Not like a "secret," but also not paraded around formally because you don't want people thinking you're paying or that this is some kind of second wedding reception.  Just casually mention it, and those who can come will come.

artbyallie

If you and your groom don't want to celebrate your wedding with some people, don't invite those people. You're making this much harder than it needs to be. And really, pointing out that doing something would be rude is not, itself, a rude action. It's a reality check, which you asked for by posting here.

Simply Fated

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_secret-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:14601935-8f2a-4a86-8159-3117565834a4Post:b6b74021-e375-4411-85fe-655a76be826b">Re: "Secret" Reception?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: "Secret" Reception? : The bottom line is that we are not close nor do we plan to be and we would like to have a celebration with our closest friends because those are the people we are most comfortable with and want to share the day with. There are many reasons for this. As I've mentioned before, we have been left out of several family functions (including a sibling's recent wedding). That's just the way things are with us, unfortunately. I am just trying to find a compromise.
Posted by AMD0985[/QUOTE]
You don't want them there and they've left you out of their things... so why the hell are you inviting them at all?
Why are you trying to find a compromise? I get wanting to keep the peace with these people, but they've literally left you out of their functions so why is it all up to YOU to compromise and not them? To hell with them and invite the people that you actually want to be there.

mrsnilescrane

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_secret-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:14601935-8f2a-4a86-8159-3117565834a4Post:32a40d23-ee94-46e7-aaea-c5e703c3d4b3">"Secret" Reception?</a>:
[QUOTE]My FI and I are not very close with his family. Though we've never understood why, we have always felt they do not support our relationship. We have talked to them about it and we get along with them when we see them, but we aren't very close and neither side makes much of an effort to be "close" but all parties seem fine with this. We are working with a VERY limited budget and his family alone is a total of about 50 people. (We wanted a guest list of around 60). We are paying for the wedding ourselves. Though we don't want to leave his family completely out of the picture because we could regret it later, we don't want to spend a large amount of money nor share our day with dozens of people we never see or spend time with. We are entertaining the idea of having a daytime ceremony and inviting everyone from both sides of the family then, later that evening, having a very, very small "reception" that will allow us to have a first dance and dinner and drinks with our closest friends. I would love to hear thoughts and ideas from others, especially those who have been in similar situations.
Posted by AMD0985[/QUOTE]

you could elope or have a destination wedding. We sent out invitations to all family members for our destination wedding and only the nearest and dearest decided to go. FH has a big family and that was a great way to avoid having a large wedding we did not want.

amandanicole1828

People you want at this secret reception should be the ONLY people who get a wedding invite. The others who you would exclude dont' invite to anything at all. End of story. I think it's pretty simple. I don't understand why you'd want to invite them to the ceremony if you don't want them enjoying your company after the event. I think you're making this far more complicated then it needs to be.

I can guarantee you inviting them to a ceremony but not the true reception will have worse consequences then not inviting them at all. I think everyone who doesn't get an invite can already assume, "Hey it's a small wedding." and you could have your IL relay that as well. People should be understanding of that fact. But people will not be understanding if you invite them to one part but leave them out of another. That will cause more chaos then anything else.

renegade gaucho

If they have excluded you from family events, they will understand not being invited to your wedding.  Just limit the family invitees to immediate family only, or to those you see on a more regular basis, and invite all of those people to all of your wedding-related events on that day.

What you are proposing to do is rude.  There is not a more polite way of saying that.

Peledreamsofrain

This whole thing feels like an out of control payback for a past snubbing. Here's the facts. Not inviting family to all of your wedding tells them in no uncertain terms that their relationship with you is broken. It's a public snubbing you won't be forgiven for. It's not something to be done lightly, or as payback for excluding you from something trite like a family reunion. If you are totally at peace with that, then just don't invite them at all. No need to go halvsies on something this socially powerful.