Wedding Etiquette Forum

my dearest mother

promised a set amount for our wedding last year. Now she is freaking out about it, and she is asking how much we are contributing. We are contributing the same amount (most likely more) than her. I don't see how her question is relevant/appropriate. Should I tell her I don't feel like her question is appropriate seeing as she promised a set amount and we are matching it/spending more?

Re: my dearest mother

  • Don't count on anyone to pay for your wedding but you.  If you get money from her, great, if not, deal.  She's not required to pay anything.  People's economic circumstances change.  She may not be able to afford what she said originally. 
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dearest-mother?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:156663f9-0098-4ffe-a6b0-23eff77db51dPost:59a11448-abec-4909-a61d-23a52892ccdb">my dearest mother</a>:
    [QUOTE]promised a set amount for our wedding last year. Now she is freaking out about it, and she is asking how much we are contributing. We are contributing the same amount<strong> (most likely more)</strong> than her. I don't see how her question is relevant/appropriate. Should I tell her I don't feel like her question is appropriate seeing as she promised a set amount and we are matching it/spending more?
    Posted by myfattypony[/QUOTE]
    Why does this matter?

    And why do you get to know how much she's contributing, but she doesn't get to know? Best advice: don't count on money until the check has cleared the bank and is safely in your account. Plan on paying for everything yourself until that money is actually in your hands.
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    Whatever you hatters be hattin. -Tay Prince
  • Ditto the others.

    We didn't rely on any money from anyone else for our wedding. And I am glad we didn't. It would have been a big let down and we would have ended up screwing ourselves if we hadn't set that money aside.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dearest-mother?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:156663f9-0098-4ffe-a6b0-23eff77db51dPost:59a11448-abec-4909-a61d-23a52892ccdb">my dearest mother</a>:
    [QUOTE]promised a set amount for our wedding last year. Now she is freaking out about it, and she is asking how much we are contributing. We are contributing the same amount (most likely more) than her. I don't see how her question is relevant/appropriate. Should I tell her I don't feel like her question is appropriate seeing as she promised a set amount and we are matching it/spending more?
    Posted by myfattypony[/QUOTE]

    While I don't agree that what you are spending in relation to what she is spending is necessarily relevent, she is obviously concerned over the amount of money she is spending, and that IS relevant.

    Why is she freaking out?  Is it because she promised money that she can no longer afford to give?  Is it because you're spending more money than she thinks that you should for the wedding? 
    Holy Crap. We survived the first year!
    http://tidetravel.weebly.com/index.html
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  • alot can happen in a year.  maybe she promised a certain amount and cant come thru on it now.

    or maybe she thinks that the amount she promised you is more than enough for a wedding, adn sees that you are spending X beyond that.  in her mind, she may very well feel taht she doesnt need to give you, say, $10K if you can put that (or more) in yourselves.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dearest-mother?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:156663f9-0098-4ffe-a6b0-23eff77db51dPost:5b51a5c4-0f24-40a7-85f4-ed6b746a4f4c">Re: my dearest mother</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to my dearest mother : While I don't agree that what you are spending in relation to what she is spending is necessarily relevent, she is obviously concerned over the amount of money she is spending, and that IS relevant. Why is she freaking out?  Is it because she promised money that she can no longer afford to give?  Is it because you're spending more money than she thinks that you should for the wedding? 
    Posted by tidetravel[/QUOTE]
    She is probably freaking out because it is cutting close on her budget. But I am booking my venue and I asked her if she still is contributing the other day and she said, "yes, I promised. The same amount as before." I even told her we could work something out and she wants to keep it at the amount she promised. I feel like she just wants to make sure we are spending as much as she is, but I don't see why that is relevant if she told us the other day she is still giving us the same amount.
  • tidetraveltidetravel member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited April 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dearest-mother?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:156663f9-0098-4ffe-a6b0-23eff77db51dPost:70a0e9a0-d506-46ac-855c-ed7a8a8fe712">Re: my dearest mother</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: my dearest mother : She is probably freaking out because it is cutting close on her budget. But I am booking my venue and I asked her if she still is contributing the other day and she said, "yes, I promised. The same amount as before." I even told her we could work something out and she wants to keep it at the amount she promised. I feel like she just wants to make sure we are spending as much as she is, but I don't see why that is relevant if she told us the other day she is still giving us the same amount.
    Posted by myfattypony[/QUOTE]

    If you feel as though she might start monitoring how you spend YOUR money, and decide if it's a "fair" amount in relation to what she's contributing, I would save yourself the hassle now, decline her offer of money, and plan a wedding that you can afford on your own.  You're opening youself up to a lot of unsolicited opinions and side-eyes should you continue on planning the wedding w/ her money.
    Holy Crap. We survived the first year!
    http://tidetravel.weebly.com/index.html
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  • You should just be happy you have a mother.
  • Don't count on money until you have it in hand.

    And if your mom is going to be contributing to your wedding, you're going to have to deal with questions about the finances associated with the wedding - including how much you're spending.  If you don't like that, decline her money and pay for the wedding yourself.  Otherwise, suck it up and deal.

    Good luck!
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  • I feel like you could argue that it's not "relevant or appropriate" for you to tell your mom what you're spending, but it also seems pretty rude to take your mom's money and then refuse to discuss the rest of the wedding budget with her using that line as though she were some stranger prying into your finances.
  • I think if someone says they are going to do something, then they should do it. But you should be willing to talk to her about what you are contributing too.

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dearest-mother?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:156663f9-0098-4ffe-a6b0-23eff77db51dPost:1c6e47dc-6c50-43dc-afda-dfb12af34e45">Re: my dearest mother</a>:
    [QUOTE]You should just be happy you have a mother.
    Posted by EmoBrideOMG[/QUOTE]

    Yeah, trolls can be funny and all, but I dont find you funny.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dearest-mother?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:156663f9-0098-4ffe-a6b0-23eff77db51dPost:c6ec012d-729d-48da-822b-18457c698aca">Re: my dearest mother</a>:
    [QUOTE]I think if<strong> someone says they are going to do something, then they should do it</strong>. But you should be willing to talk to her about what you are contributing too.
    Posted by millkn2[/QUOTE]

    So, if her mom promised her $10K for the wedding and then had an unexpected medical or financial emergency, she should still be willing to fork over the $10K like she promised?  Things change, life happens.  It can be very difficult to admit that you can't afford to do something that you promised you would do or that you want to do.  Questioning mom about her reasons for changing her mind will only make the entire situation more awkward.

     The lesson here is not to count on any promises of money until you have it in your hand. 
    Holy Crap. We survived the first year!
    http://tidetravel.weebly.com/index.html
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  • I'd probably ask what her concerns are.  Is she having a hard time leaving that money aside for your stuff (does she have financial issues where she needs to use the money she planned to give to you for her own expenses)?  Or is she concerned that you're taking all the money but not using it on the wedding?
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dearest-mother?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:156663f9-0098-4ffe-a6b0-23eff77db51dPost:d4be6757-0e40-4a13-be8d-cc8d15c8ae9e">Re: my dearest mother</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: my dearest mother : So, if her mom promised her $10K for the wedding and then had an unexpected medical or financial emergency, she should still be willing to fork over the $10K like she promised?  Things change, life happens.  It can be very difficult to admit that you can't afford to do something that you promised you would do or that you want to do.  Questioning mom about her reasons for changing her mind will only make the entire situation more awkward.  The lesson here is not to count on any promises of money until you have it in your hand. 
    Posted by tidetravel[/QUOTE]

    If I promised someone $10K then I would have it set aside and ready to go. I know things happen, but I believe that people should keep their promises. If her Mom had some huge medicial emergency that is one thing, but I think if not, she should do what she said she would.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dearest-mother?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:156663f9-0098-4ffe-a6b0-23eff77db51dPost:bbd9a952-261e-41ff-81aa-d19547aba04e">Re: my dearest mother</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: my dearest mother : If I promised someone $10K then I would have it set aside and ready to go. <strong>I know things happen, but I believe that people should keep their promises.</strong> If her Mom had some huge medicial emergency that is one thing, but I think if not, she should do what she said she would.
    Posted by millkn2[/QUOTE]

    I think you're full of crap. 
    Holy Crap. We survived the first year!
    http://tidetravel.weebly.com/index.html
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dearest-mother?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:156663f9-0098-4ffe-a6b0-23eff77db51dPost:bbd9a952-261e-41ff-81aa-d19547aba04e">Re: my dearest mother</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: my dearest mother : If I promised someone $10K then I would have it set aside and ready to go. I know things happen, but I believe that people should keep their promises. If her Mom had some huge medicial emergency that is one thing, but I think if not, she should do what she said she would.
    Posted by millkn2[/QUOTE]

    This sounds really naive.

    Setting aside $10k is all well and good, but if I had a personal financial problem - which could be getting laid off and having my finances change, having car trouble, all sorts of things - I would use that money before I would go into credit card debt or lose my house or anything like that. That would be the smart financial decision.
  • Is there a reason you don't want your mother to know how much you're spending? If not, why are you so reticent to talk about it?
    Lizzie
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dearest-mother?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:156663f9-0098-4ffe-a6b0-23eff77db51dPost:fd05480c-70a0-4a37-9a57-f12f4afcf26d">Re: my dearest mother</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: my dearest mother : Oh so if someone is on the verge of losing their house or something similar, they still need to cough up the money in order to keep their promise? Wow.
    Posted by Champagne Supernova[/QUOTE]

    Actually I said that if she had an extreme event happening in her life that is one thing, but in general shouldn't people keep their promises? I mean if you can't count on your parents, then who can you count on?
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dearest-mother?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:156663f9-0098-4ffe-a6b0-23eff77db51dPost:1b1d02fd-ccf4-443f-8cce-868abc9a2789">Re: my dearest mother</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: my dearest mother : You know, you can count on your parents on many other things besides money.
    Posted by Champagne Supernova[/QUOTE]

    I didn't say that you couldn't!!! The fact is unless something awful happened in her Mother's life and is able to, shouldn't she keep her promise?
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dearest-mother?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:156663f9-0098-4ffe-a6b0-23eff77db51dPost:36fcbc71-1782-49fb-b21f-c49cf8ced0f8">Re: my dearest mother</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: my dearest mother : Actually I said that if she had an extreme event happening in her life that is one thing, but in general shouldn't people keep their promises? I mean <strong>if you can't count on your parents, then who can you count on?
    </strong>Posted by millkn2[/QUOTE]

    Once you're of marrying age, I think the person that you need to count on is 1) yourself and 2) your FI. 

    Mommy and daddy can't be expected to come through everytime you need something.
    Holy Crap. We survived the first year!
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dearest-mother?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:156663f9-0098-4ffe-a6b0-23eff77db51dPost:3a8c8f3f-8ff2-48c7-9c44-64fa053f6e71">Re: my dearest mother</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: my dearest mother :  Mommy and daddy can't be expected to come through everytime you need something.
    Posted by tidetravel[/QUOTE]

    Will you pretty please pass this lesson to my younger brothers?!
    Lizzie
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dearest-mother?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:156663f9-0098-4ffe-a6b0-23eff77db51dPost:36fcbc71-1782-49fb-b21f-c49cf8ced0f8">Re: my dearest mother</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: my dearest mother : Actually I said that if she had an extreme event happening in her life that is one thing, but in general shouldn't people keep their promises? <strong>I mean if you can't count on your parents, then who can you count on?</strong>
    Posted by millkn2[/QUOTE]

    I can't count on my parents. Never really have been able to. So I count on myself. Makes things a lot easier.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dearest-mother?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:156663f9-0098-4ffe-a6b0-23eff77db51dPost:49fa3206-87b2-49da-b3a5-696477735279">Re: my dearest mother</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: my dearest mother : Yeah, trolls can be funny and all, but I dont find you funny.
    Posted by LDYGTR13[/QUOTE]

    Yeah... that comment pisses me the F off.  That's not something to make jokes about, emo troll or not.
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  • We had a similar situation with my mother and didn't have any money in our hands until two days before the catering bill was due. We were frekaing a bit because she KEPT TALKING ABOUT IT. She continued to promise it but freak out at the same time. It kept making me nervous. We booked all of our vendors and had everything set and that is when she started to freak out. She was even the one who helped PICK some of the vendors as she was contributing.

    After a while we looked into alternatives like taking out a VERY SMALL (like pay it off in a year becuase we will have the money in that amount of time just not right now) personal loan. Also, I have a large limit on my Amex so we had room for the if need be. The intrest rate for either option would have been less money than canceling vendors and redoing everything.

    In the end it worked out but you need to have a backup. And I DO NOT recommend going into debt over your wedding. We only considered a loan due to our unique situation and the very small amount we would have to borrow. But once we thought of backups we felt a lot better.

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dearest-mother?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:156663f9-0098-4ffe-a6b0-23eff77db51dPost:d3e1e77f-5da0-4991-b591-978f93182608">Re: my dearest mother</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: my dearest mother : If you feel as though she might start monitoring how you spend YOUR money, and decide if it's a "fair" amount in relation to what she's contributing, I would save yourself the hassle now, decline her offer of money, and plan a wedding that you can afford on your own.  You're opening yourself up to a lot of unsolicited opinions and side-eyes should you continue on planning the wedding w/ her money.
    Posted by tidetravel[/QUOTE]


    Oh yeah and this is your other option...and definitely better option. I was just sharing my personal experience since it was so similar. I saw further down you have't booked your venue etc. so you can make changes.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dearest-mother?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:156663f9-0098-4ffe-a6b0-23eff77db51dPost:346ed664-765f-4755-b8c2-d784a0e70022">Re: my dearest mother</a>:
    [QUOTE]We had a similar situation with my mother and didn't have any money in our hands until two days before the catering bill was due. We were frekaing a bit because she KEPT TALKING ABOUT IT. She continued to promise it but freak out at the same time. It kept making me nervous. We booked all of our vendors and had everything set and that is when she started to freak out. She was even the one who helped PICK some of the vendors as she was contributing. After a while we looked into alternatives like taking out a VERY SMALL (like pay it off in a year becuase we will have the money in that amount of time just not right now) personal loan. Also, I have a large limit on my Amex so we had room for the if need be. The intrest rate for either option would have been less money than canceling vendors and redoing everything. In the end it worked out but you need to have a backup. And I DO NOT recommend going into debt over your wedding. We only considered a loan due to our unique situation and the very small amount we would have to borrow. But once we thought of backups we felt a lot better.
    Posted by Srasotasunshine[/QUOTE]
    yeah this sounds like the situation I am in, we are about to book everything and she keeps saying she has it but doesn't show anything for it. She also has a really bad habit of lying, often, and everyone in the family knows it. So it makes me anxious. We don't want to go into debt for our wedding, we are going to talk to them in person this week to get a clear picture about things. Thanks for your advice it helps a lot.
  • No problem. But like everyone else said, you don't have the money in hand so don't plan anything you would not be able to pay for yourselves. I have seen family set up when decisions were made due to budget and help out.

    If mom is in a really awkward financial situation and she cannot help then just plan what you can.

    We made our ends meet and had the wedding of our dreams.

    Good Luck and happy planning!
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