Wedding Etiquette Forum


I wouldn't really call  myself much of a bridezilla, especially one that complains about another bride stealing her thunder.  But this on going situation has got me a little irked.  (Sorry it's so tl;dr.)

I should note that other than fixed holidays, I can only take off 6 paid holidays this year according to my work contract.  4 days for my wedding, and 2 days for personal illness.  Any other days I choose to take off will be deducted off my salary at about $150 per day.  Also, we are paying for the wedding all on our own, so our savings is taking a big hit and our budget isn't terribly large.

When I was 20 I did study abroad in Japan and lived with a host family year.  We got along great, I came home for a year to graduate, and moved back to Japan after I graduated to be with FI.  I still keep up contact with them and visit often, and they treat me like their own daughter.  My host sister and I are only a few months apart in age and are pretty close.

I got engaged last year and told host family (including host sister) about it.  We said we were looking to get married in September 2011 at the time and probably in Vegas.  My host family (including host sister) said that sounded great because it would be fun and give them a reason to take off work for travel afterwards, especially since it falls during a Japanese holiday week.  We decided the date and informed them way in advance, although I onlyI sent out my STDs earlier this month.  (I should note STDs aren't something Japanese send out- only invitations.) 

About a week after that, I get a text from host sister saying that she's planning on getting married in October, a month after my wedding.  She doesn't have a ring yet, but her b/f, her, and families have been talking about it.  I reply that I'm really happy for her.  Then she breaks out that they want to do it in Hawai'i as a private ceremony and she wants me and a few other family members to come.  She then states that she apologizes, but she may not be able to come to my wedding because she has to worry about hers.

I hestitate because it's not even a month after my own wedding date, and there's no way I'll have the money to go or be able to take off without taking a serious pay hit even if I did.  Plus since she's known about my wedding for months now, it's poor etiquette, not to mention kind of a b*tch move, to expect me to pull a miracle out of my behind to attend her wedding knowing about my financial/job situation.

She says she doesn't mind and will pay for me, but how can I accept that?  Not to mention I'm not a tit for tat kind of person, but if it's so important that I attend her wedding, why decide on a date literally right after mine?  Even if she pays I still take a pay cut for taking off, will need to bring my own spending money, and a wedding money gift of about $300-$500 considering our close relationship.  Not to mention that because she doesn't speak English well, she's going to need lots of planning help to do it in HI if she wants to keep costs down and I don't really have time to plan two weddings at the same time.

We haven't had any fights so I have no idea what made her think this was a good idea.  I'm just really shocked and baffled beyond words.  I keep trying to hint that she's making it really difficult for me without flat out saying I won't go (which will probably cause a fight and hurt my relationship with host family in general) but she's not really getting the picture.  Of course I want to go and support her because we're so close, but...  Any advice on how to handle this?
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