Adults Only Reception Issues

kthrneileen

I have a tricky situation I need some help with: 

My boyfriend and I have recently started talking about a lot of wedding plans, because my sister's engagement sparked my creativity and I am just so completely indecisive. Since I know for a fact he is shopping and saving for a ring *yay*, I feel comfortable talking to him about random wedding things occasionally.

The other day something came up that put a big damper on my plans. Children. I don't really want to have children at my wedding/reception. It's not at all that I don't like children, I even love my BF's neice(2.5) and nephew (6mo.).  But I really feel that I don't want kids crying, making noise, and running around at my ceremony and reception.  

I have already made many concessions to make his family happy, like agreeing the wedding will be where we live (close to his family in Southern VA) instead of where i grew up (near my family in Northern VA), because his family won't want to drive up there for the wedding or get hotel rooms.  And I agreed to have a spring wedding because he thinks thats better, when I'd rather have a  fall or winter wedding.  I agreed it wont be too formal in attire because he doesn't want a tux. 

So I feel I want this. I want a late ceremony and reception. Kids will tire easily and people (ie> especially his sis) might leave to take their kids home and then the party will die down.

How do I convince him to have an adults only wedding.. Open bar and late night don't equal kid friendly.  I feel he's being so stubborn.

HELP!!!

As a side note: I also don't plan on having a flower girl or ring bearer at my wedding.

Meg1036

He's your boyfriend, and if you're talking about a wedding, he's your future husband.  That means you need to be able to negotiate and compromise with him on things for the rest of your life.  The wedding is just the start of that.  If you're feeling like he won't negotiate or compromise on any of this wedding vision, that's a problem with your communication - which is the main issue here.

On the question of kids - i'ts not all or none.  You can invite only children in the family, or only nieces or nephews.  Work it out together.  Just set a clear cutoff when you do decide, so that people can't question why little Johnny was invited but little Jenna wasn't.

MyUserName1

I'd make a list of all the wedding related things YOU'VE compromised on and a list of what HE'S compromised on.  See how they stack up.  If its a huge list on you're side and nothing on his, that might help him see the light.

That's how I'm convincing FI that we need a Yorkie when we get a dog. 

ElleB87

Welcome OP.

First of all it's not YOUR wedding, it's YOURS AND YOUR (soon to be) FIANCE's wedding.  He has an equal say in the day so it's not a matter of convincing or manipulating him.  You'll have to come to a compromise (consider this situation as good practise because marriage is all about compromise). 

Second of all, I wouldn't sweat this kind of stuff yet, wait until you are engaged.

That all being said...yes it's possible to have an adult only wedding.  You simply address the invitation (and if you're sending STD's) to the adults you would like to invite.  Keep in mind, infants are an exception since they need to be fed every two hours and new parents typically don't want to leave their newborn with a baby sitter.  Also, some guests may be put off by this, it depends on your crowd. 

Best wishes!

kthrneileen

As far as waiting to plan, as I said before, my sis got engaged and helping her plan has sparked my creativity. I'm very indecisive, so while I'm not making "Set Plans", I am compiling ideas so my planning is easier later.  My sister decided on Adults only, which prompted me to think about this issue.

We do communicate an compromise fairly well. But he was specific he wants his neice and nephew there. Thank you for the family kids only suggestion. That didn't occur to me. I just don't want kids ending the fun early, since it will already be starting late in the evening.

we have plenty of time to decide on the issue. I was really just curious if anyone had suggestions on the issue that could help me later.  

MyUserName1

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_adults-only-reception-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:17a4b3bd-0425-4d6c-bde2-c2685c2713cbPost:4c7818a9-d9fd-4f71-ae52-6dc1e030ef07">Re: Adults Only Reception Issues</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Adults Only Reception Issues : I want one too!!!  But H will agree because he had them when he was younger.
Posted by edielaura[/QUOTE]

He thinks he doesn't like them.  But that's just because my mom  has a really annoying one.  I've agreed already to NEVER HAVE A CAT and to CHANGE MY LAST NAME so I think he needs to give in on the dog breed issue.

ast.meghan

It's fine to have an adult-only wedding, a lot of people do this for a numebr of reasons.  However, my H and I hd a number of kids at our wedding and reception (we are the oldest on both sides and have lots of your/little cousins and some of our friends have babies).  Not a single one made a noise during the ceremony (or if they did, neither of us noticed it) and they were well-behaved at the reception.  So, just because you have kids at your wedding does not mean that they will automatically cause a scene.  If you choose to allow some kids, make sure it is in "circles" or have an age limit.   As in, only siblings, or only nieces/nephews/first cousins, but be careful to not split up families.  Can you imagine your 13yo self not being invited to a wedding, but your older sister was just because she was a little older and made the cut?

If you do decide to do an adult-only reception, be prepared for some people to decline to come if they can't bring their kids.

Meegles4

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_adults-only-reception-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:17a4b3bd-0425-4d6c-bde2-c2685c2713cbPost:472dac9d-0311-4d18-a874-5ff3d966c276">Re: Adults Only Reception Issues</a>:
[QUOTE]As far as waiting to plan, as I said before, my sis got engaged and helping her plan has sparked my creativity. I'm very indecisive, so while I'm not making "Set Plans", I am compiling ideas so my planning is easier later.  My sister decided on Adults only, which prompted me to think about this issue. We do communicate an compromise fairly well. But he was specific he wants his neice and nephew there. Thank you for the family kids only suggestion. That didn't occur to me. <strong>I just don't want kids ending the fun early, since it will already be starting late in the evening.</strong> we have plenty of time to decide on the issue. I was really just curious if anyone had suggestions on the issue that could help me later.  
Posted by kthrneileen[/QUOTE]

We are doing a family-only kids wedding, with FI's two nephews and niece and then possibly a couple of my cousin's kids (which I wasn't a fan of, but my mom insisted). Anyway, with respect to the bolded part, I wouldn't worry about this. If you do have kids (even just family) they won't end the fun. First, you have to think about the fact that they'll be a bit older by the time you get married, so may enjoy it more. I've seen little kids at weddings dance it up all night! And if that's not the case and they get cranky and want to go home, their parents will take them home. You likely won't notice so your fun and the rest of your guests' fun won't be ruined.

smartlypretty

Well, when you guys get married these kids will be YOUR niece and nephew too. FI doesn't have siblings with kids, but I think it would be a little bizarre not to have my future nieces/nephews there. I mean, that's almost immediate family. I think you can have adults only- with an exception for the two kids.  

lenergyrlah

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_adults-only-reception-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:17a4b3bd-0425-4d6c-bde2-c2685c2713cbPost:a1793a0b-9795-4d1f-9596-e67e274ea642">Re: Adults Only Reception Issues</a>:
[QUOTE]To add on to Meg's advice:  don't separate families.  If you end up inviting the parents and the older child of a family, invite the younger child(ren).  It is fine to split it up into adults and not adults.  But as soon as one person under 18 in a family is invited, everyone under 18 should be.
Posted by crfb87[/QUOTE]

<div>I actually disagree with this.  I am inviting children but not babies.  This means my sister, her husband, and their 11-year-old son, but not their 2-year-old or 8-month-old daughters.  I'm not going to get a bigger space / pay $100 more to invite a baby who won't even remember the wedding (I put the cutoff around age 4).  But I would definitely not invite a 15-year-old while making their 12-year-old sibling stay home.</div>

gailpete

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_adults-only-reception-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:17a4b3bd-0425-4d6c-bde2-c2685c2713cbPost:8d3224d3-fd79-46d6-933e-bb55e19bdf08">Re: Adults Only Reception Issues</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Adults Only Reception Issues : yes!  Or just do what my mom did:  come home from the pound with me and my sister and say to my dad, "guess what?!"
Posted by edielaura[/QUOTE]

Edie- your mom got you and your sister at the pound?!?!?

(I'm sorry, I couldn't resist <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-laughing.gif" border="0" alt="Laughing" title="Laughing" />.)

rebarobert2012

This is something you and your boyfriend will have to talk about.  Inviting children or not inviting children is something you will need to agree on.  If you aren't engaged yet, you still have plenty of time to discuss it and come to an agreement.