For those who didn't change last name

Bonzo2011

Hi all! I haven't been on here much since my wedding in July, but I have a question for those ladies who kept their maiden names. How do you get friends and family to address you correctly?

I'm asking because I've now received the fourth wedding invitation since our wedding, addressed to Mr. And Mrs. DH HisLast. I do not consider myself to be Mrs. HisLast. My parents always preferred mail be addressed Ms. Mom HerLast and Mr. Dad HisLast, so that is how I grew up addressing couples with different last names. Its how DH and I would prefer to be addressed Is there a way to politely tell these people (once again) that I am Ms. MyLast? I really don't want to seem like I'm jumping down their throats for just assuming tradition, but I would far prefer the correct name.

TIA for any advice!

s-aries8990

When you reply, write your correct names. When you fill out the RSVP, use your proper name each and every time. Keep all of your media accounts with your correct last name. There isn't much more that I know of.

GoodLuckBear14

Just tell them.  When you send back the RSVP write out the names correctly.

I kept my name but honestly it doesn't bother me to be called Mrs. DH'sLastName

Calypso1977

fill out the RSVP with Susan Smith and John Jones.

not much you can do other than be a broken record about it.  It could also be that many assume that you kep your name but use his socially (i personally never understood this, you either take a name or you dont ,but to each his own) and maybe that's why its happening on something like a wedding invite?

when you arrive at the wedding, if the nme isnt corrected at that time, then id hav the side conversation with them (not at the wedding, obviously).

Bonzo2011

That's what I've been doing so far -- FB, etc all have only my name, RSVPs and all outgoing mail have the correct names. Sounds like there isn't much more I can do nicely. Oh well. I try not to let it bother me. I know people only address things this way out of ignorance. What annoys me most is DH's extended family, they refuse to use my last name and I've gotten question from certain family members about "when" I'll be really changing my name, comments like "well you've been married for months now, why does FB still have your old name?" I try to just patiently remind them that I am keeping my last name. But I'm betting that fielding these questions from his aunt and cousins makes me a tad more sensitive than I should be. Learning to just let go....

Kate61487

So I did change my name, but my recommendation would be to fill in the RSVP as you'd like to be addressed and hopefully they'll recognize your intent.  Fingers crossed your place card, thank you note, etc. will have the right name on it.  If they still don't get it I would then say something ("Oh your thank you note was so thoughtful; but I noticed you addressed it to Mr & Mrs and actually I kept my name").  Unfortunately I don't think there's really a polite way to preemptively let people know; you really just have to correct on a case by case basis.

Also, you could make sure anything you send out (Christmas cards? other notes?) has both your names as you'd like to be addressed rather than just "Sean and Cheryl".  I'd also make sure facebook has your name as you'd like it.  If you're one of those who goes by first/middle on facebook it will lead more people to assume a last name based on your marital status. 

And for anyone who hasn't gotten married yet make sure if you're announced at your reception of if the officiant does an introduction at the end of the ceremony that your full name is used.  I know I personally have definitely noticed when I've seen this and it's helpful to know right then and there that the name won't be changing.

Belle0720

I don't have any advice on this but I'm interested to see other people's responses :-)

I'm not even married yet but people already address things to me as Mrs. Kristen HisLast. Even one of my very best friends who was also my roommate at the time and is going to be a BM bought me a Mrs. HisLastName hanger even though I know I've told her many times that I am not changing my last name. I realize that it's untraditional and I wouldn't mind Mr. and Mrs. HisLast, but it would be nice to be adressed as Kristen MyLast.

Calypso1977

bonzo, family is often the worst.

my MIL actually claimed that i was the first person she'd ever known or heard of who kept her name.  seriously?  its 2013 and you have NEVER HEARD of someone keeping their name?  she seemed truly baffled by the concept.  its one thing to maybe not understand why someone would keep their name, but to claim that youve never heard of someone doing such a thing? 

Sierra524

I like the advice that PPs have given you. I just have a question..I have never met anybody who kept their last name, so please forgive me if this comes out wrong. But, why have you decided to keep your last name? What factors went into making that decision? I am really just curious, because like I said, Ive never met anybody who didnt change their last name.

GoodLuckBear14

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_for-those-who-didnt-change-last-name?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:180271e3-5f33-405b-90b1-c37e8e9c6828Post:d9b13301-daf0-4954-a97b-d40f2ed844b7">Re: For those who didn't change last name</a>:
[QUOTE]I like the advice that PPs have given you. I just have a question..I have never met anybody who kept their last name, so please forgive me if this comes out wrong. But, why have you decided to keep your last name? What factors went into making that decision? I am really just curious, because like I said, Ive never met anybody who didnt change their last name.
Posted by Sierra524[/QUOTE]

I'm an attorney who spent a long time developing my reputation.  Even as a teen though, I knew that I would not be changing it.  When an aunt told me that when I got married I'd change it because my husand would tell me to, I glared at her and through gritted teeth said, "If I were running for the mayorship of Boston and midway through the campaign married John F. Kennedy, Jr., I STILL would not change my last name."

Bonzo2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_for-those-who-didnt-change-last-name?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:180271e3-5f33-405b-90b1-c37e8e9c6828Post:d9b13301-daf0-4954-a97b-d40f2ed844b7">Re: For those who didn't change last name</a>:
[QUOTE]I like the advice that PPs have given you. I just have a question..I have never met anybody who kept their last name, so please forgive me if this comes out wrong. But, why have you decided to keep your last name? What factors went into making that decision? I am really just curious, because like I said, Ive never met anybody who didnt change their last name.
Posted by Sierra524[/QUOTE]

Well, as I mentioned in my OP, my mother kept her last name. I grew up with that as normal.
Other reasons include that my name is very rare in the US, and as far as we know everyone in the US with our exact spelling is related (it's a long Russian name, luckily easy to pronounce though!). So, family connection. DH's name is more common, and honestly doesn't sound that great with my first and middle. I also work in theatre, where having a unique and recognizable name is a benefit. Also, it's just my name. I've had that name for 25 years, received diplomas with that name, established professional contacts with that name, and just...<em>lived</em> in that name. It's mine.

I hope that all makes sense. Out of curiosity, where do you live that you've never met someone who kept their name? I grew up knowing many women who did, and I know a number of ladies my generation who did as well. I'm in CA though, which I know is more progressive than many areas.

Coghoot12

PPs have given great suggestions.  We were married in June and sent out Holiday cards with our return address using both our names.  It's a little far to Christmas so if there seems to be a lot of confusion amongst family, you can send out "at home" cards, which list your "new" address and your names. 

Otherwise, just keep correcting people. I understand that some people may not know and that doesn't bother me.  What bothers me is the people who do know, like I've had face-to face conversations with, that insist on calling me Mrs. H'slastname.  It's disrespectful.

Sierra, I didn't change my name for a number of reasons.  I was 32 when I got married so I was very attached to my name.  And I like it.  Also, I've been in my profession for almost 10 years.  My name is my reputation and I would loose a lot of what I've worked for if I started going by a new name.  We are not having children so that isn't an issue either.

audreyecu61

Address with your name and his name as the others have mentioned. Over time some will get it and some won't. It is hard to let go of this.

After my divorce I changed my name back to my original name. Many people were like, why would you do that you have kids. I didn't change the kids name just mine.

Now that I'm getting married again I had a few people ask me and I told them, no I'm keeping my name.

I even had someone say did he say this was okay? For you to keep your name? Silly, really.

I know that the older relatives on his side, his mom and aunts will want to know if I'm changing my name, so I'm just going to smile and say no.

So just grin and bear it against, some people in some circles won't understand.

renegade gaucho

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_for-those-who-didnt-change-last-name?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:180271e3-5f33-405b-90b1-c37e8e9c6828Post:d9b13301-daf0-4954-a97b-d40f2ed844b7">Re: For those who didn't change last name</a>:
[QUOTE]I like the advice that PPs have given you. I just have a question..I have never met anybody who kept their last name, so please forgive me if this comes out wrong. But, why have you decided to keep your last name? What factors went into making that decision? I am really just curious, because like I said, Ive never met anybody who didnt change their last name.
Posted by Sierra524[/QUOTE]

I kept my name for the same reasons my husband kept his.

Sierra524

All of the reasons you ladies gave makes complete sense as to why you didnt change your last name. I plan on changing my last name, but only because I really like his last name. It sounds good with mine. I love his last name. Its an Italian last name & Im obsessed with it. I also dont like my last name because its so normal, and because some of my family has given the name a bad rap.
I was a radio DJ in college & used my full name as my on air name because it sounded so good on the radio. I may be getting another DJ position on a local station after the wedding, but I think I would still use my maiden name (the same name I used as my on air name in college) on the air because that is what people who listen to me know me by. I havent decided yet.
I dont think there is anything wrong with not changing your last name, I was genuinely just curious. Ah, another question just came to mind (again, just out of curiousity)...what name do you give your children if you decide to keep your last name? How do you make that decision?
Bonzo...I live in Erie, PA. Its Northwestern PA. & nope, Ive NEVER met anybody who didnt change their name. Ive met people who got divorced and then went back to their maiden name, but thats it.

PrettyGirlLost

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_for-those-who-didnt-change-last-name?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:180271e3-5f33-405b-90b1-c37e8e9c6828Post:d9b13301-daf0-4954-a97b-d40f2ed844b7">Re: For those who didn't change last name</a>:
[QUOTE]I like the advice that PPs have given you. I just have a question..I have never met anybody who kept their last name, so please forgive me if this comes out wrong. But, why have you decided to keep your last name? What factors went into making that decision? I am really just curious, because like I said, Ive never met anybody who didnt change their last name.
Posted by Sierra524[/QUOTE]

I am a researcher, and most of my colleagues don't change their last names when they get married because they are published authors and need to maintain a link between their original and any future publications.

anssett

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_for-those-who-didnt-change-last-name?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:180271e3-5f33-405b-90b1-c37e8e9c6828Post:d9b13301-daf0-4954-a97b-d40f2ed844b7">Re: For those who didn't change last name</a>:
[QUOTE]I like the advice that PPs have given you. I just have a question..I have never met anybody who kept their last name, so please forgive me if this comes out wrong. But, why have you decided to keep your last name? What factors went into making that decision? I am really just curious, because like I said, Ive never met anybody who didnt change their last name.
Posted by Sierra524[/QUOTE]

<div>Never??? Wow. You live in a different world from me. I'm a PhD level research scientist who has published repeatedly under my name. I intend to keep my professional reputation attached to that name. Like some PPs said, even if that weren't true, I am Anssett MaidenName, and that will never change. My name conveys a sense of my identity, and family history. My fiance doesn't feel at all attached to his name so he's taking mine. That's what works for us. </div>

anssett

To OP,

I got divorced 5 years ago and still get mail addressed to Mrs. HisLastName & Mr. HisLastName even though I never took his name! Meh. I corrected people when it seemed relevant. Mostly it's just not worth the effort for me. It might make me giggle and think they're referring to my fiance's mother. Though having people address me by my own name & proper title also makes me giggle (I'm Dr. MyLastName now). I'm pretty easy about that stuff. Sorry it's annoying you.

nicoleandersonmd

This has been a HUGE struggle for me. I was adopted later in life and have a strong attachment to my last name because of what it represents. Also, I'm a physician. All of my degrees, awards and publications are in my current name. Im also in the military-changing my name involes a bunch of paperwork, my pay will get held up for a bit, I run the risk of confusion in the future regarding promotions and other things. And again, my life story and my connection. Also, FI has an uncommon Mexican last name that's fairly difficult to pronounce. However, despite all of those reasons, I will be changing my last name. There will be massive amounts of paperwork, far more than normal. I am going to have to keep pretty tight records of my military service woth all of my service dates and wards. Im going to have to contact medical boards and have my name changed on my licenses. Taking my renewal board exams in the future will always be a hassle. Im even going to have my name changed on all my unifirms and email! But for me personally, its worth it. Im more of a traditionalist in some aspects. For me, sharing a last name with my husband will make me feel like a whole unit with him. It is a new beginning of my own family that we are creating together. But again, thats just for me. As far as your situation. I agree with all of the other ladies, there is not much you can do other than continue to have your name on all of your accounts and mail. Write in your name on the RSVPs. It may take a while, but people should get it. If they don't, or continue to act like your MIL- they're unlikely to ever change and are going to side eye your decision for ever regardless. As long as you are happy with your choice, then it, hopefully, won't get to you...the name harping from people who absoluteky refuse to accept your decision should eventually become background noise. But, every classy, polite and respectful person should get it with repeated gentle hints. Good luck!

ladyamanuet

For those that make the mistake once, politely alert them you did not change your name and they likely will not do it again.  Make sure all return addresses have your first and last and his first and last, any RSVPs include both names for both of you, etc.  Don't send anything "love Bob and Sue" but instead "love bob brown and sue storm" until it's sunk in and you can go back to "love bob and sue."

You mentioned though, that some of his family members continuously do it? Seems to me some members of his family are a little offended you did not change your name (making an assumption based on what you've said).  So, with them, you have to decide how much of the bigger person you want to be. 

In the instance of people where it seems like they are doing it repeatedly not out if ignorance of the situation but because it is their preference that you change your name, you can be the bigger person and continue to politely remind them every time they do it, or you can refuse to answer anything sent to Mrs. HisLastName and only respond once it is sent to Ms./Mrs. YourLasName. It's a little petty, yes, and a little b*tchy, but it may be the only way to get it across with some people unfortuantely. 

Obviously, best if it does not come to that.  In the instance of DH's family continually doing it, perhaps it is best to have him give them a call and explain that he supports your decision to keep your name and he would appreciate their support of his wife's decision as well. Perhaps have him express that it hurts his feelings they are not being polite to his wife? Especially since it is bothering you so much.

For everyone else, just give them time. Though many women today keep their name, it is still the "norm" to change, so people just assume. Once they are alerted to the fact you didn't, they likely won't do it again.

MayberryAfterMidnight

Nothing new to add because PPs have it pretty well covered! I just loved reading all the responses and OP - I can sympathize. I am also not planning to change my name. When I told my FMIL and future grandparents-in-law, they were pretty shocked. (FMIL is also shocked FI and I not combining our bank accounts after marrying, but that's another issue.) FMIL suggested I could hyphenate my last name, but to me, that's still changing my name! I just politely said "I like my name and it's served me well so far!" One of my biggest pet peeves in the world is when things are addressed to "Mr. and Mrs. John Smith," as if the woman's identity is reduced to nothing but her husband's name...We're planning to address all of our invites including each person's name. Keeping my own last name is something I've felt strongly about ever since I was young. I consider myself a feminist and bucking the tradition certainly has something to do with it, though as xt5678 very astutely pointed out, my last name comes from my father, so in way, it's just as traditional as taking my FI's name! I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that my last name has been part of who I am for 26 years and I don't feel the need to change it. I like my last name - it's fairly unusual and my FI's last name is somewhat common. But even if my FI had the most awesome last name in the world, I wouldn't change it. My FI strongly supports my decision. We don't know if we want children, but if we did have them, I think we would give them my FI's name. My parents are both teachers and I hear a lot about the confusion that comes with hyphenated names! I realize I'm passing my husband's name to my (potential, future) daughter in the same way I inherited my father's, but I think the main point is that this is something every woman has to decide for herself. 

lyndausvi

I have a pretty hard core feminist cousin who obliviously didn't change her name.  We got to talking about addressing envelopes and such.  She said Mr and Mrs HisLast name doesn't bother her.   I was very much surprised by this, but she said it's just not something she chooses to get upset about.  

She said, fact is it doesn't really happen as often as you would think.  Most people just don't address using Mr/Mrs much anymore except for wedding invitations and those come from people just doing in the traditional way.  Most likely they will not address another formal envelope to you anyway.  Sure this year you received a lot, but you more than likely are in prime marriage age and everyone is getting married.  It will slow down once most of your crowd is married off.  

She also said she tends to recieve as many addressed Mr and Mrs HERlast name.  So it goes both ways.  Her DH doesn't get upset. 

I found what she said to be fairly true.  In the grand scheme of things I have not recieved many Mr and Mrs HisLastname envelopes in the 4 years we have been married. Seems silly for me to get upset at a cousin who might not have paid attention that I didn't get rid of my name.
 

hoffse

I'm actually really struggling with this, and 5 1/2 weeks out I still haven't decided.  FI and I have almost identical last names.  An example: My last name would be "Smith."  His would be "Smithmann."  Yes, with two N's.  I've asked if maybe we can meet in the middle and drop one of the N's, because my name has never been one to be misspelled (and his was misspelled even on his social security card for awhile).  But FI doesn't want to do that at all - he's not asking me to change mine, so I shouldn't ask him to change his.  Part of me feels like there's no point.  It's going to be a PITA to explain this to various boards and government agencies.  The other part of me feels a lot of pressure to do it.  I'm in a pretty conservative work environment, and everyone just assumes it will be changed without asking.  They even left space at the end of my name on my nameplate when I first started this job so that they could add letters.  FI doesn't care - and I feel like I need to make a decision pronto.

1mobags

I'm another solidly on the fence person.... I feel like I should want to change my name but I don't..... Plus FI may be changing his last name to his mothers maiden name (no one else has his last name due to divorce and he hates his last name) ..... So that makes it even stranger to change to a random name for me...... Ugh

Bonzo2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_for-those-who-didnt-change-last-name?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:180271e3-5f33-405b-90b1-c37e8e9c6828Post:2ef4d1a2-75c7-4080-a93a-c55186b62b74">Re: For those who didn't change last name</a>:
[QUOTE]I have a pretty hard core feminist cousin who obliviously didn't change her name.  We got to talking about addressing envelopes and such.  She said Mr and Mrs HisLast name doesn't bother her.   I was very much surprised by this, but she said it's just not something she chooses to get upset about.   She said, fact is it doesn't really happen as often as you would think.  Most people just don't address using Mr/Mrs much anymore except for wedding invitations and those come from people just doing in the traditional way.  Most likely they will not address another formal envelope to you anyway.  Sure this year you received a lot, but you more than likely are in prime marriage age and everyone is getting married.  It will slow down once most of your crowd is married off.   She also said she tends to recieve as many addressed Mr and Mrs HERlast name.  So it goes both ways.  Her DH doesn't get upset.  I found what she said to be fairly true.  In the grand scheme of things I have not recieved many Mr and Mrs HisLastname envelopes in the 4 years we have been married. Seems silly for me to get upset at a cousin who might not have paid attention that I didn't get rid of my name.  
Posted by lyndausvi[/QUOTE]



What you said about your cousin is interesting. Most ladies I know who consider themselves "hard core feminists" would be bothered. I'm guessing it just comes from knowing your crowd and in time letting it not affect you as much. Like you pointed out, we have received a lot of formal mail this year, and that is really the only time this happens. I think maybe one Christmas card was addressed to "The HisName Family" which while I consider it to be technically inaccurate, it isn't really wrong either.


There are so many responses from the day! Thanks everyone for your insights, glad I could get a good discussion going. To clarify a couple points: MIL and FIL are great and completely supportive of my name choice. When it first came up before the wedding, FiL was a little upset until I was able to sit down with him and really explain all of my feelings. From that point on, he's corrected the family members who call me the wrong name! Love him! The in-laws who consistently address me incorrectly or question me are DH's aunt and a few female cousins. They are a bit more traditional in certain respects.

I think someone asked what plans are for kids. We're going to give the future kiddos two last names. KidFirst Middle MyLast HisLast. Not hyphenated, because our names sound awful like that, and it would be 15 letters long. Will my last name end up dropped from standardized forms? Probably. But I will have passed it on, which makes me happy.

Bonzo2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_for-those-who-didnt-change-last-name?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:180271e3-5f33-405b-90b1-c37e8e9c6828Post:41d06ec8-3a36-478d-a355-7329dfbf98ac">Re: For those who didn't change last name</a>:
[QUOTE]Bonzo...I live in Erie, PA. Its Northwestern PA. & nope, Ive NEVER met anybody who didnt change their name. Ive met people who got divorced and then went back to their maiden name, but thats it.
Posted by Sierra524[/QUOTE]



I've actually been to Erie! My mom's family is from Westfield, NY, not too far north of the PA/NY border from you. I don't know about Erie specifically, but I know that region of NY does tend to be more traditional than where I am in CA. So, while I think it is becoming far more common for women to keep their last names, I don't think it's so surprising that you haven't met any in your area.
BTW, I think your questions are great since you genuinely want to know, and you got a lot of other ladies talking as well! I think the decision to keep or change a last name is an incredibly personal one that no one else can make for you, but I know it helps to have a sounding board sometimes to figure things out.

Calypso1977

i kept my name because its mine, i like it, and i was nearly 32 when i married.  my parents also only had daughters and my sister took her husband's name so our name ends with me.

Sierra524

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_for-those-who-didnt-change-last-name?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:180271e3-5f33-405b-90b1-c37e8e9c6828Post:d2960ed8-69f3-4461-8b1e-1c9138e59e68">Re: For those who didn't change last name</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: For those who didn't change last name : I've actually been to Erie! My mom's family is from Westfield, NY, not too far north of the PA/NY border from you. I don't know about Erie specifically, but I know that region of NY does tend to be more traditional than where I am in CA. So, while I think it is becoming far more common for women to keep their last names, I don't think it's so surprising that you haven't met any in your area. BTW, I think your questions are great since you genuinely want to know, and you got a lot of other ladies talking as well! I think the decision to keep or change a last name is an incredibly personal one that no one else can make for you, but I know it helps to have a sounding board sometimes to figure things out.
Posted by Bonzo2011[/QUOTE]

Yes, Westfield is not too far from here. I hope I wasnt getting too personal with the questions. In my life, its never even been a question of wether or not to change your last name. Everybody I have known has done it, so I grew up thinking that was the only way. Like I said before, I plan on changing mine but it was really interesting to see why everybody else decided to keep theirs. I was really just interested, because I have never even come across this issue before. Thank you ladies for opening my eyes :]