How to deal with delicate situation with my sister

avolker1

So unfortunately my sister just broke off her engagement about 3 weeks ago.  It is all for the better but obviously she is going through a rough time and I feel so awful for her.  It just so happened that I got engaged last week, not soon after her ordeal.  I would like her to be my MOH but I feel like it will be hard to ask her, and I wouldn't blame her if she's not in the mood to be a part of my wedding but of course I would be upset if she wasn't.  I'm not sure if I should wait a couple months until I ask her to let things cool down or if there's a best way to approach this situation.  I can't imagine her not being in the wedding- she is my one and only sister.  Is there a delicate way to ask her? Should I be prepared for her to potentially say no, and be ok with that? The other part is I don't want to wait too too long to ask her and my other BMs because I am doing this wedding cross-country so I feel like I need to get started as soon as I can.

strlzfan11

Your profile says that your wedding isn't until 2013.  You don't need to ask her until the end of this summer.  Until then, be a supportive sister and let her know that you're there for her.

ETA: The only people who are supposed to be planning your wedding are you, your FI, and anyone else who is footing the bill (and wants to be involved with the planning).

crash2729

Your wedding is over a year away. You can still wait at least 3 or 4 months before asking your bridesmaids to be in your wedding. Even if it is cross country.

NOLAbridealmost

Give it some time.  =(  

LittleMissCutiePie

First off, it's too early to be thinking about bridesmaids. Over a year until your wedding, relationships can change. You should think about asking at around 10 months. All your bridesmaids need to do is come in the dress you pick out together. Anything else is secondary, so I'm not sure what you mean by "get started".

You should be prepared to say no, however you have the right instincts in waiting a couple months. The only delicate way to ask? Ask her like the engagement never happened. Don't drag that into it.

GL.

sarabellam

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-to-deal-with-delicate-situation-with-my-sister?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:1966f3f1-60a9-4ef0-af38-ea90ff501cc0Post:b07607d4-4ae4-4720-9790-7fb3f5054bc3">Re: How to deal with delicate situation with my sister</a>:
[QUOTE]Your profile says that your wedding isn't until 2013.  You don't need to ask her until the end of this summer.  Until thne, be a supportive sister and let her know that you're there for her. ETA: The only people who are supposed to be planning your wedding are you, your FI, and anyone else who is footing the bill (and wants to be involved with the planning).
Posted by strlzfan11[/QUOTE]

This. Verbatim.

kmmssg

Agree that it is too early to be asking in the first place.  You can easily go into the Summer before this needs to be a priority.  Just be there for her and help her as she needs it.  There is plenty of time later on to worry about the bridal party.

strlzfan11

Eagles, perhaps I read too much into her final sentence, but when most people mention asking bridesmaids to be in the WP and getting started with stuff in the same sentence it usually means they want the BMs to help with planning.

OP, I apologize if this was not the case.

ThankfulSnail

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-to-deal-with-delicate-situation-with-my-sister?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1966f3f1-60a9-4ef0-af38-ea90ff501cc0Post:8eb52cb5-51a9-49f3-806a-784b06e79a74">Re: How to deal with delicate situation with my sister</a>:
[QUOTE]Please show me where the OP stated that she wants to ask her sister so that she can help with the planning.
Posted by EaglesBride2012[/QUOTE]

<div>I think they're referring to the last sentence about wanting to "get started" as soon as she can, but that's not what I took from it and was confused by those remarks myself.</div><div>
</div><div>OP, the best advice I wish I had gotten was to wait to select your bridal party until you are 6-9 months out from the wedding (although I think I would still have picked the same people if I was asking them now, I might not have). Obviously, your sister will still be your sister if you wait and your relationship is somewhat unlikely to dramatically change, but I think it is in your and your sister's best interest if you wait to ask her until she's had some time to process the end of her own engagement. Good luck!</div>

Megbo2012

I assumed she wanted to let them know in advance so they would have time to plan how to get there.

OP you have plenty of time, don't stress.  I think that most people have a general idea who they want as their bridesmaids right away (or who they think they want) but definitely wait it out as your wedding is about a year out.  It's nice of you to think of your sisters feelings, and all the more reason to wait a few months before asking her.  Good luck.

strlzfan11

No apologies necessary.

strlzfan11

Sounds good!

SparrowSong

I agree you've got many, many, months before you should be making a wedding party official. It's fine to get an idea in mind, but keep it to yourself and plan other ideas right now... when you're not around your sister. 

avolker1

Thank you to everyone for their great advice! To clarify, what I meant in my last sentence in my original post was that because I'm doing things cross-country I am planning on going back east in the spring or summer to start looking at venues since that will be the most difficult thing to do from out of state. And I don't expect her to plan for me, but most likely her and my mom will be visiting venues with me while I am there, so I figured I would ask her when I'm there in person. But I will hold off if I feel like she still needs time. I've been hearing that I need to look at venues 10 months in advance. Don't know how true that is. We do not have a date set so we have some flexibility. Thanks again all!

avolker1

Also in response to the couple people who recommend waiting to officially pick my bridal party because relationships can change, I totally understand where you are coming from and I do not want to jump the gun on any decisions I make. That being said, I am 110% sure about who I want to stand with me. Most of the girls I have known at least since high school, and a couple even from middle school, and despite living far way for the past 6 years they are still my closest friends and I couldn't imagine my wedding without them. And of course my sister is my sister. But I am not planning on asking for at least a couple months any way. My only concern like I said was making sure my sister is ok and ready to be there with me. Thanks again- you are all very thoughtful and helpful!

dori851

Ditto PPs. I would wait a while & then ask her.

becka717

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-to-deal-with-delicate-situation-with-my-sister?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:1966f3f1-60a9-4ef0-af38-ea90ff501cc0Post:11260ca2-3742-4ee8-8ca0-ae28b21b3f46">Re: How to deal with delicate situation with my sister</a>:
[QUOTE]Thank you to everyone for their great advice! To clarify, what I meant in my last sentence in my original post was that because I'm doing things cross-country I am planning on going back east in the spring or summer to start looking at venues since that will be the most difficult thing to do from out of state. And I don't expect her to plan for me, but most likely her and my mom will be visiting venues with me while I am there, so I figured I would ask her when I'm there in person. But I will hold off if I feel like she still needs time. I've been hearing that I <strong>need to look at venues 10 months in advance. Don't know how true that is</strong>. We do not have a date set so we have some flexibility. Thanks again all!
Posted by avolker1[/QUOTE]

Depending where you are looking at what general time frame you are looking (summer, fall) you may want to look earlier than 10 months.  I booked my reception venue 1 year before the wedding date, but I had a specific date in mind.  But if you are flexable as to the date or even month there is a good chance you can get the venue you want within a time frame you can accept.

rlavach

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-to-deal-with-delicate-situation-with-my-sister?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1966f3f1-60a9-4ef0-af38-ea90ff501cc0Post:46507e54-a5f7-4d78-8578-3d8d37475da9">Re: How to deal with delicate situation with my sister</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How to deal with delicate situation with my sister : Depending where you are looking at what general time frame you are looking (summer, fall) you may want to look earlier than 10 months.  I booked my reception venue 1 year before the wedding date, but I had a specific date in mind.  But if you are flexable as to the date or even month there is a good chance you can get the venue you want within a time frame you can accept.
Posted by becka717[/QUOTE]
We had a 9 month engagement, so we had to book our venue almost immediately. Around here, venues book well over 1 year in advance. Like the PP mentioned, if you're flexible with your date, it won't be so bad. <div>
</div><div>To piggy back on the other PP regarding relationships changing, just wait. Your sister is your sister, so that's different. But you'd be surprised at how much people change during the wedding process. Or better said, how their true colors show. Even if you've known then for an eternity, you will learn something new that you may or may not like. There are a plethora of cases on here of girls (and in real life that I know) who were 123156% sure of their bridal party & when the process really got going, were surprised by the actions of their friends/family. I truly truly hope that won't happen to you, just know that it's more common that you'd think. </div>

amymaysa

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-to-deal-with-delicate-situation-with-my-sister?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1966f3f1-60a9-4ef0-af38-ea90ff501cc0Post:11260ca2-3742-4ee8-8ca0-ae28b21b3f46">Re: How to deal with delicate situation with my sister</a>:
[QUOTE]Thank you to everyone for their great advice! To clarify, what I meant in my last sentence in my original post was that because I'm doing things cross-country I am planning on going back east in the spring or summer to start looking at venues since that will be the most difficult thing to do from out of state. And I don't expect her to plan for me, but most likely her and my mom will be visiting venues with me while I am there, so I figured I would ask her when I'm there in person. But I will hold off if I feel like she still needs time.<strong> I've been hearing that I need to look at venues 10 months in advance. Don't know how true that is</strong>. We do not have a date set so we have some flexibility. Thanks again all!
Posted by avolker1[/QUOTE]

I think this depends on area and time of year/day of week you are looking to get married.

avolker1

Thank you all for your advice on venue booking.  I am open to spring or fall of next year, I just want to avoid winter and the middle of the summer because of the weather in NJ/NY area.  My fiance (wow that sounds funny to say!) thinks fall 2013 is too far away but I think it might give us more time and less stress, especially if we need to fly back and forth a couple times for planning purposes. 

To AFP07, I'm sure everyone says this but honestly we are probably two of the lowest maintenance people and since we are on a budget paying mostly for the wedding by ourselves and won't have an enormous guest list we might look into more "non-traiditional" venues.  Honestly, if my mom's backyard was big enough I would do it there but it wouldn't work haha.  I definitely want to find a place that will work with us and listen to what we really want.  I think I will take a trip back east in the summer and feel out the situation...see what most venues have available and work with that. 

And to rlavach, I definitely could see how that happens a lot with competing personalites and ideas clashing together.  I was in a wedding a couple years ago where that started to happen and it was so frustrating.  I think my sister will be great as MOH because she doesn't take any crap and she knows what I like .