Small family ceremony - Large formal reception

Ajpetruso

My FI and I want a private family ceremony with a large reception/party for everyone. But the "casual party" has turned into a formal and traditional wedding  reception. Would it be awkward or rude to have a small ceremony at the same venue (yacht club) a couple hours before the reception?

My FI thinks that since we are having a formal wedding reception, we should have a formal ceremony with all of the guests. I think that these days, weddings aren't so much about what is traditional versus what the bride and groom want. 

What do you guys think?

Sing2phins

I'm confused.  Are you talking about having two ceremonies, one private for just family, and one with the reception guests at the reception venue?

Brie2010

I think that if I was a friend of yours I'd be sad to miss your wedding.

To me, an invitation to the wedding reception but not the ceremony says, "You're good enough to bring us a present, but not good enough to watch us get married."  And that rubs me the wrong way.  It's not a matter of being traditional versus what the B&G want; it's a matter of thinking about how your actions will impact people you presumably love and care about.

AllAboutTheBenjamin

I think it's rude to invite some people to your reception, but not your wedding.

ETA - the only situation I can see where this would be okay is if you and your husband eloped, and then threw a reception later.  That's what my parents did.

tidetravel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_small-family-ceremony-large-formal-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:19f3a6c9-f821-47d5-8d30-615cba147bb9Post:a94c9349-30fa-44c0-8250-61f8c031e850">Small family ceremony - Large formal reception</a>:
[QUOTE]My FI and I want a private family ceremony with a large reception/party for everyone. But the "casual party" has turned into a formal and traditional wedding  reception. Would it be awkward or rude to have a small ceremony at the same venue (yacht club) a couple hours before the reception? My FI thinks that since we are having a formal wedding reception, we should have a formal ceremony with all of the guests. I think that these days, weddings aren't so much about what is traditional versus what the bride and groom want.  What do you guys think?
Posted by Ajpetruso[/QUOTE]

Yeah, if I were a guest, I would probably feel slighted to get invited to only the "formal reception" part of the wedding.  If you're inviting the right people (ie. not people that are only coming to get free booze), then they probably care about actually seeing you guys get married.

Why aren't you inviting everyone to the ceremony? 

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

I'm not sure why you'd want to this. Especially if you're having a big, formal reception anywat.

emilyinchile

If your ceremony is literally parents, siblings and maybe grandparents, as a guest I would be sad to miss it but would understand. If you're going to have more than that, I wouldn't feel it was a "small family ceremony" and would wonder why you couldn't just invite everyone to both.

I Want Cake

I actually don't think it's rude at all, and we're doing something similar with ours.  We're in a venue with limited seating, so the ceremony is for family and close friends only, and our formal reception is for all of them plus our other friends/coworkers/parents' friends.  I was absolutely set on the ceremony location before we started looking at reception venues.  The reason I think it's okay is because do you really want your mom's coworker who you may have never met watching you do something as inimate as exchanging vows?  I know I sure don't.

As far as the "so I'm good enough to have to bring you a gift but not good enough to be at the ceremony" excuse goes, it's not like the guests at the reception won't be fed/drank/entertained, and that's usually the far bigger portion of the festivities, so I honestly don't feel bad accepting gifts from them. 

I suppose the issue is moot if you're getting married in a church or at the reception venue, though you can still do exactly as you please.  But when you get married in a more non-traditional venue, such as mine, it's something you just have to accept.  FI and I are invited to a reception later on this month that's having only a close friends/family ceremony and a bigger reception after, and we're not offended in the slightest.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_small-family-ceremony-large-formal-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:19f3a6c9-f821-47d5-8d30-615cba147bb9Post:96259cf1-86c9-409c-a049-2c9cedc546bc">Re: Small family ceremony - Large formal reception</a>:
[QUOTE]The reason I think it's okay is because do you really want your mom's coworker who you may have never met watching you do something as inimate as exchanging vows?  I know I sure don't.
Posted by I Want Cake[/QUOTE]

Then why do you care if they're at your reception?

Fred13

I COMPLETELY agree with the post above mine (I want cake). I think you are spot on in thinking that these days it is indeed more about what suits the bride and groom instead of what is traditional. My FI and I are also looking to do a small ceremony (parents, grandparents and siblings only) and a large reception later. Let's be realistic: if you were my bestie, you would be a maid, no? So, best friends would be able to be a part of it all as Bridesmaids and groomsmen anyways. All other friends and family are still involved during the reception, they are still celebrating you two and the beginning of your life together.

My Mom and Dad eloped and had a large reception a month later. They had 300 people there, yet there were STILL people offended by not getting an invite. Ultimately, you can't please everyone. Do what feels right for you two and enjoy the day! :]

tidetravel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_small-family-ceremony-large-formal-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:19f3a6c9-f821-47d5-8d30-615cba147bb9Post:5f10a47c-b6cd-40d9-b61c-3baf1580b22a">Re: Small family ceremony - Large formal reception</a>:
[QUOTE] My Mom and Dad eloped and had a large reception a month later. They had 300 people there, yet there were STILL people offended by not getting an invite.
Posted by Fred13[/QUOTE]
I can't imagine why some people would get offended by not being able to witness someone's marriage, but being one of 300 people to come to a party.   <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-undecided.gif" border="0" alt="Undecided" title="Undecided" />

That sounds like a gift grab to me, and I rarely throw that phrase around. 

Goldlie11

I don't see a problem if a couple JOPs it with immediate family (or just the two of them) and then throws a reception later.  However, asking some people to arrive early for the ceremony seems like it doesn't make sense.  Are you afraid of reciting your vows in front of people?  If so, take a shot or two of your favorite drink and try and work through it.  Most brides say that they're so focused on their soon to be husband that they don't really notice the crowd.

Maybe I'm getting old and sentimental, but I like to see the ceremony.  It's nice to see a celebration of love in a time where there is so much hurt, negativity, and all around sadness.  

Brie2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_small-family-ceremony-large-formal-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:19f3a6c9-f821-47d5-8d30-615cba147bb9Post:6e531b06-2821-43d7-9e54-20e7e3f15377">Re: Small family ceremony - Large formal reception</a>:
[QUOTE] Maybe I'm getting old and sentimental, but I like to see the ceremony.  It's nice to see a celebrate of love in a time where there is so much hurt, negativity, and all around sadness.  
Posted by Goldlie11[/QUOTE]

This.  I like wedding ceremonies better than the receptions a lot of the time.

I just don't understand the logic.  If you want a private wedding, have a private wedding with a few people at both the ceremony and reception.  Fine.   I think that inviting some people to the reception and not the ceremony is just another way to have a "tiered" wedding, which sucks no matter how it's executed (A&B lists, tiered receptions, whatever). 

If I am special enough to you to help you celebrate your marriage at a reception, I should also be special enough to you to witness the wedding. 

Liberty27

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_small-family-ceremony-large-formal-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:19f3a6c9-f821-47d5-8d30-615cba147bb9Post:5f10a47c-b6cd-40d9-b61c-3baf1580b22a">Re: Small family ceremony - Large formal reception</a>:
[QUOTE]I COMPLETELY agree with the post above mine (I want cake). I think you are spot on in thinking that these days it is indeed more about what suits the bride and groom instead of what is traditional. <strong>My FI and I are also looking to do a small ceremony (parents, grandparents and siblings only) and a large reception later. Let's be realistic: if you were my bestie, you would be a maid, n</strong>o? So, best friends would be able to be a part of it all as Bridesmaids and groomsmen anyways. All other friends and family are still involved during the reception, they are still celebrating you two and the beginning of your life together. My Mom and Dad eloped and had a large reception a month later. They had 300 people there, yet there were STILL people offended by not getting an invite. Ultimately, you can't please everyone. Do what feels right for you two and enjoy the day! :]
Posted by Fred13[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I am a little late to this but... 1) Just because you are doing it doesn't make it any less tacky, 2) Have a wedding where you have a bridal party of 8 and a guest list of 6 is ridiculous.  

</div>

quotequeen

IMO, if somebody isn't close enough to you for you to want them to see you get married, then they just shouldn't be invited to your wedding.  It's one thing if you have a DW and then have a reception elsewhere later, but when they're on the same day (and in the same place even!) it just really feels like first and second tier guests.

[Deleted User]

i love it when people say "xyz isn't rude!! i'm doing it..."

also, the comment that it's about what the bride and groom want, to hell with tradition (read: etiquette) is barfy on an etiquette board.

redheadfsu

Having the ceremony the same day & same place as the bigger reception is very rude. I bet most of your guests will be offended/ talk about you behind your back.

september's bride

I understand why you want to have a privateceremony and a larger reception later, but truly, I wouldn't do it. It's not good etiquette, and it's off-putting to your guests. You're not incurring any costs by having people witness your ceremony, so why not extend the invite to everyone?

Is there a specific reason that you're unwilling to have a large guestlist at your ceremony?

BeeBee22

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_small-family-ceremony-large-formal-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:19f3a6c9-f821-47d5-8d30-615cba147bb9Post:a0378269-7b94-4fe2-9d2b-c50b3e7c5724">Re: Small family ceremony - Large formal reception</a>:
[QUOTE]i love it when people say "xyz isn't rude!! i'm doing it..." also, the comment that it's about what the bride and groom want, to hell with tradition (read: etiquette) is barfy on an etiquette board.
Posted by daffodil_jill[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>This.  The reception is traditionally a thank you to your guests for <strong>coming to the wedding</strong>.   One of the functions of etiquette is to teach you to behave graciously toward others.  The "hell with them" crowd are just disgusting - you can hear the narcissism blaring.   

</div>

Ajpetruso

We simply want a small ceremony because we feel that exchanging vows is very intimate and we don't feel comfortable doing it in front of 150 people. That's basically it. 

As for the reception: it will be a sit down dinner, open bar, live band, personalized CDs for wedding favors. We're not scrimping on the quality of the reception. We are excited to share the celebration of our wedding with our friends, family and family's friends. We want them to be a part of our big day. We aren't seeking to gift grab. Our wedding is in the middle of September and we don't even have a gift registry, simply because we can't think of anything that we want or need. I am having a small intimate bridal shower, with no gifts requested. 

My main issue is that I have never envisioned having a large ceremony. And a small intimate ceremony feels most comfortable to me. 

BeeBee22

But you're not "sharing the celebration of your wedding".  You're excluding them from your wedding and having a party afterward. 

The answer to your question is yes.  It's "awkward or rude to have a small ceremony at the same venue (yacht club) a couple hours before the reception?"

Your fiance is correct.  "My FI thinks that since we are having a formal wedding reception, we should have a formal ceremony with all of the guests". 

september's bride

Far be it from me to tell you what to do for your wedding, especially in terms of comfort. Regardless of the advice you get on here, you'll do what works best for you and your FI. All I can offer is that we had a large-ish ceremony attendance (about 110 people) and it was wonderful. You don't even realize they're sitting there, but yet you still know, and it still feels intimate. It's not like being in front of strangers - all of these people are there in support of you, and it's very inclusive because of that. There was something surreal about looking out at a sea of faces and knowing that I knew and cared about every.single.one of them.

quotequeen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_small-family-ceremony-large-formal-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:19f3a6c9-f821-47d5-8d30-615cba147bb9Post:38df03e5-d1a0-42cf-a3ff-9d3218c68874">Re: Small family ceremony - Large formal reception</a>:
[QUOTE]We simply want a small ceremony because we feel that exchanging vows is very intimate and we don't feel comfortable doing it in front of 150 people. That's basically it.  As for the reception: it will be a sit down dinner, open bar, live band, personalized CDs for wedding favors. We're not scrimping on the quality of the reception. We are excited to share the celebration of our wedding with our friends, family and family's friends. We want them to be a part of our big day. We aren't seeking to gift grab. Our wedding is in the middle of September and we don't even have a gift registry, simply because we can't think of anything that we want or need. <strong>I am having a small intimate bridal shower, with no gifts requested.</strong>  My main issue is that I have never envisioned having a large ceremony. And a small intimate ceremony feels most comfortable to me. 
Posted by Ajpetruso[/QUOTE]

The point of a shower is to shower the bride with gifts.  If you don't want gifts, then have a gathering of some sort, but don't call it a shower.  (And requesting "no gifts" other than by word of mouth when asked, is also improper.)

srkropf

I don't know-- it doesn't cost money for guest to come to the reception.....so I'm confused? If the guest can fit-- and you're okay with friends and extended family coming to see you walk downt the ailsle, then have them come. I know one instance in which I found this acceptable, it was a remarriage, and the imediate family was at the ceremony and then a week later had a celebration with friends and family-- and that was okay.

srkropf

I totally agree with the off kilter WP to guest ratio

CLSchramm

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_small-family-ceremony-large-formal-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:19f3a6c9-f821-47d5-8d30-615cba147bb9Post:38df03e5-d1a0-42cf-a3ff-9d3218c68874">Re: Small family ceremony - Large formal reception</a>:
[QUOTE]We simply want a small ceremony because we feel that exchanging vows is very intimate and we don't feel comfortable doing it in front of 150 people. That's basically it.  As for the reception: it will be a sit down dinner, open bar, live band, personalized CDs for wedding favors. We're not scrimping on the quality of the reception. We are excited to share the celebration of our wedding with our friends, family and family's friends. We want them to be a part of our big day. We aren't seeking to gift grab. Our wedding is in the middle of September and we don't even have a gift registry, simply because we can't think of anything that we want or need. I am having a small intimate bridal shower, with no gifts requested.  My main issue is that I have never envisioned having a large ceremony. And a small intimate ceremony feels most comfortable to me. 
Posted by Ajpetruso[/QUOTE]

DH and I had 200 people at our ceremony...and it felt like 50. No kidding. Even when I  watched our wedding video (which we just got today!!), it really didn't look/feel like there were that many people there. At the recieving line after the ceremony I kept thinking "where did all these people come from???" because it had felt so intimate and small the whole time, and like September said, I knew every one of them.

And I'm going to nit-pick at your no-registry comments...Everyone, I dont care who you are, can find a few nice towels and sheets to register for. Even if you have these things, put away the nice new ones you get and use them when guests come to visit.

stacy&tige

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_small-family-ceremony-large-formal-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:19f3a6c9-f821-47d5-8d30-615cba147bb9Post:3ba0402f-e122-41b2-b5a4-4c2df179cee9">Re: Small family ceremony - Large formal reception</a>:
[QUOTE]And I'm going to nit-pick at your no-registry comments...Everyone, I dont care who you are, can find a few nice towels and sheets to register for. Even if you have these things, put away the nice new ones you get and use them when guests come to visit.
Posted by CLSchramm[/QUOTE]

I agree...when I started my registry I struggled to pick stuff...but now we have over 200 items! We are using it to replace some stuff we already have. If there isn't a registry it doesn't say "we don't want any gifts" but "we don't want physical gifts, just cash." That's gonna be offensive to people, especially the ones who want to get you a tangible gift.

Invite them to both the ceremony and reception or don't invite them at all. It sounds to me like you are saying "here's some food and drink, where's my present?" I understand that you want an intimate wedding but I've been a bridesmaid at a 175+ ceremony and it didn't feel like there were that many people. The bride later told me that all she saw was her hubby...everything else just faded away.

rachaelb16

Honestly, I would be offended to only be invited to the reception.  I rarely look at people as being gift grabby, but in this case I would.  I would be thinking 'so I'm good enough to go to the reception but not the ceremony'.  I am not trying to be a b!!tch by asking this....did you really want advise on this or did you just want people to justify what you are doing?  Instead of taking the opinions into consideration you seem to be defending your actions.  Ultimately it is your wedding, so do what you want, but be prepared for people being hurt and angry over the invites.  Also be prepared for the inevitable calls of "where is the ceremony....our invite didn't specify".  How comfortable will you be telling these people that they are only welcome to come to your wedding.  If you want a small, intimate wedding and a large reception you should elope and have a party on a different day.  IMO this is a "you can't have your cake and eat it too" situation.

_Dagney_

Polite people do not assume their friends and family are "gift grabbing" when they receive an invitation to a party.

Simply say the bride and groom were married earlier at a private ceremony.