Questions about infants at "Adults only" wedding

jakstr0808

So we're not inviting our friends kids, mostly because we just don't have the room.   But I know sometimes infants under 1yr are the exception b/c they are nursing and don't really need a seat or food.

However.....I don't know what the parents who RSVP with infant are expecting to do with said infant.  Like, we won't have room for a high chair, and we really won't have room for strollers to come through the reception either.  What do parents who come with nursing infants usually do?

It's a sticky situation because FI's brother who is also BM has a daughter who will be 15mos so she's definitely invited since she's our niece, and both FBIL and his wife are spending the "wedding weekend" at the venue so it's not like they're going to leave her with a sitter at home.  However, FI's cousin just RSVP'd with her, her husband and her baby who was born shortly after our niece.  He'll be 11mos.  They're the only babies in the family (his AND my side) so I don't know if it would be mean or weird to his cousin to tell her to get a sitter, especially since he falls under the "sometimes exception" of nursing infant.

But again, I don't know what they will expect to be there for him?  I don't even really know what FBIL is expecting for our niece.  I can't think of a way that's not rude to say, you can bring the baby but there's no room for high chairs or strollers so you'll have to hold them the whole time?

What do you suggest?  Thanks!

Lisa8888

There is no nursing baby exception. As you said, what do you do with them? There is no place to put them. It is not practical for the mother to hold onto the infant all night. That mother would not be enjoying the reception if she has to hold and deal with her kid all night. Babies scream and cry. Not pleasant for your guests. Where is the mother going to nurse? Where are diapers going to be changed? Not a good idea to keep an infant/toddler out all night at a noisy reception when the child should be sleeping.

horae4me

we said no kids, period.  we have many situations where family members (my brother being one) that have babies.  even though they are still nursing, they can get a sitter.  it shouldn't rest on your shoulders....they are parents and should be able to find a sitter.  i know it sounds harsh, but i've done it before (save up enough milk for the sitter to use) it's hard to be away from your little one ...especially for a whole weekend...but that shouldn't be your stress. 

since you already having some kids coming because they're close family, i'd say you go ahead and let your niece come.  some things aren't worth stressing over.  good luck! 

loving2011

I would be strict with the no kids rule. Just thinking from the view of people who have older kids, they might be hurt or offended if they see the babies at the wedding. In their eyes they might think a kid is a kid, and why didn't they get to bring theirs. I know I don't want any members of my family pissed off at me, which is why we are standing our ground with the no kids rule. As a compromise, maybe a babysitter for the babies? 

tidetravel

Just talk to the parents.  I'm sure that they'll have some preferences/suggestions about how to make it work, although I doubt that you really "don't have the room" for a high chair.  It doesn't take up THAT much space.  Mom and dad can sit the high chair in the space between them at the dinner table.

And to the other posters -

It is generally suggested that breastfeeding infants are the exception to the "no kids" rule.

Many breastfeeding mothers cannot leave their children with a sitter, as would be the case with older children.  Suggesting that she can "just pump" and leave the baby at home is an ignorant suggestion on the part of the person making it, for several reasons.  1)  many women can't pump, period.  2)  unless you have an overactive supply, one cannot pump enough in a pumping session to cover one feeding.  3) if a mother is actively breastfeeding, she would need to either nurse or pump when the baby is supposed to be feeding.  It's much less PC for mom to hook her boobs up to a pump in the middle of a reception than it is to nurse a baby.

 Inviting a mother with an infant under a year and insisting that she leave the baby at home is essentially uninviting her to the ceremony.  It's your perogative to hold fast to the "no kids" rule, but you run the risk that new mothers may not be able to attend.  If it is important to you that mom is there, you should make the exception

There are usually two reasons that people site for not inviting babies, and they both tend to be non-issues.
1)  the baby will disrupt the ceremony.  In many cases, it's older children that are more at risk of disrupting a ceremony.  Sure, babies cry, but they also sleep 80% of the day.  If a baby does start to cry, many parents have the sense to remove them from the situation.
2)  other guests will be offended if they see the baby there, but had to make other arrangements for their own kids.  Guests that have children of their own should understand why a breastfeeding infant would be an exception, and if anyone is rude enough to say anything, you can simply tell them that the baby is breastfeeding and needed to be with his/her momma.

Lisa8888

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_questions-infants-adults-only-wedding-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1a08b706-822c-408f-bb52-ad6643d75ef9Post:92133c4c-cd7e-45a9-a003-fbfee85f66f5">Re: Questions about infants at "Adults only" wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]Just talk to the parents.  I'm sure that they'll have some preferences/suggestions about how to make it work, although I doubt that you really "don't have the room" for a high chair.  It doesn't take up THAT much space.  Mom and dad can sit the high chair in the space between them at the dinner table. And to the other posters - It is generally suggested that breastfeeding infants are the exception to the "no kids" rule. Many breastfeeding mothers cannot leave their children with a sitter, as would be the case with older children.  Suggesting that she can "just pump" and leave the baby at home is an ignorant suggestion on the part of the person making it, for several reasons.  1)  many women can't pump, period.  2)  unless you have an overactive supply, one cannot pump enough in a pumping session to cover one feeding.  3) if a mother is actively breastfeeding, she would need to either nurse or pump when the baby is supposed to be feeding.  It's much less PC for mom to hook her boobs up to a pump in the middle of a reception than it is to nurse a baby.  Inviting a mother with an infant under a year and insisting that she leave the baby at home is essentially uninviting her to the ceremony.  It's your perogative to hold fast to the "no kids" rule, but you run the risk that new mothers may not be able to attend.  If it is important to you that mom is there, you should make the exception There are usually two reasons that people site for not inviting babies, and they both tend to be non-issues. 1)  the baby will disrupt the ceremony.  In many cases, it's older children that are more at risk of disrupting a ceremony.  Sure, babies cry, but they also sleep 80% of the day.  If a baby does start to cry, many parents have the sense to remove them from the situation. 2)  other guests will be offended if they see the baby there, but had to make other arrangements for their own kids.  Guests that have children of their own should understand why a breastfeeding infant would be an exception, and if anyone is rude enough to say anything, you can simply tell them that the baby is breastfeeding and needed to be with his/her momma.
Posted by tidetravel[/QUOTE]

Please cite a source for your claim that "It is generally suggested that breastfeeding infants are the exception to the "no kids" rule."

I have never seen anything that would support your claim.

And where will this high chair come from?

banana468

I'm going to echo Tide on all points here - and not just because I'm pregnant.  I think she just makes great points on why the nursing infant is an exception.

We didn't invite the children of friends except those that were nursing too.  They stayed in parents' laps or in the child seats that may have been placed on the floor.  There were no issues at all with the 'where' the child might go.  They were well versed in travel with the child and it never seemed to be an issue.  We did seat fewer adults at tables with some infants but that's about it.

I would hope that you'll reconsider nursing infants as an exception.  Even next summer, DH and I will have a baby that's about six months old and we'll have a wedding about 3 hours away.  That means at least one overnight for us and if the baby isn't welcome, it may mean that I can't attend as I intend to nurse and there won't be enough breastmilk for a 2 day supply that I can leave with a sitter.

OR, if you do say no to breastfeeding infants, understand that parents may decline because of that issue - which is IMO totally different than refusing to leave an older child with a sitter.

Lisa8888

According to Miss Manners' guide for the turn of the millennium --

"Babies do not belong at wedding receptions. They are not mentioned on wedding invitations because they are not invited."

http://books.google.com/books?id=Ju1XvqoMookC&lpg=PA228&ots=5GA9BEF6xN&dq=%22miss%20manners%22%20baby%20invite%20wedding&pg=PA228#v=onepage&q=%22miss%20manners%22%20baby%20invite%20wedding&f=false

She specifically state that breast feeding babies don't belong at weddings.

Emily Post also does not make an exception for breast feeding babies.

Simply Fated

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_questions-infants-adults-only-wedding-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1a08b706-822c-408f-bb52-ad6643d75ef9Post:92133c4c-cd7e-45a9-a003-fbfee85f66f5">Re: Questions about infants at "Adults only" wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]Many breastfeeding mothers cannot leave their children with a sitter, as would be the case with older children.  Suggesting that she can "just pump" and leave the baby at home is an ignorant suggestion on the part of the person making it, for several reasons.  1)  many women can't pump, period.  2)  unless you have an overactive supply, one cannot pump enough in a pumping session to cover one feeding.  3) if a mother is actively breastfeeding, she would need to either nurse or pump when the baby is supposed to be feeding.  It's much less PC for mom to hook her boobs up to a pump in the middle of a reception than it is to nurse a baby. 
Posted by tidetravel[/QUOTE]
What do these women do when they have to go to work or anywhere without the baby?

ETA: I'm not being snarky, lol, I really am curious. My friend pumps enough for her baby so she can go to work, but would she have to quit her job if she wasn't able to pump or not pump enough? I never thought of this before and I've seen you post this up before, so I thought I'd ask. :)

Belle2Be

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_questions-infants-adults-only-wedding-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1a08b706-822c-408f-bb52-ad6643d75ef9Post:fb695fd4-8e0a-4bf5-b8ab-dc5ba23cfec4">Re: Questions about infants at "Adults only" wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Questions about infants at "Adults only" wedding : What do these women do when they have to go to work or anywhere without the baby? ETA: I'm not being snarky, lol, I really am curious. My friend pumps enough for her baby so she can go to work, but would she have to quit her job if she wasn't able to pump or not pump enough? I never thought of this before and I've seen you post this up before, so I thought I'd ask. :)
Posted by Simply Fated[/QUOTE]
Many women don't work, and those that do and still want to BF pump and leave their child with a trusted care provider who their child is comfortable with and has usually had time to get used to.
If a mother can't pump enough, they usually suppliment with formula. But its pretty rare to not be able to pump enough.

riverjib

Totally up to you! You're the one getting married, and I'm sure plenty of parents will welcome the invitation to have a kid-free night. However, if you're committed to a child-free evening of your own, you're never allowed to complain when you have to find a sitter for your own kids!!!

absolutelynicole

I ran into an "adults only" issue when my SIL got married.
She had told us ahead of time the reception was "adults only" and we should arrange for a sitter for the night.
However,  her other neice was in the bridal party- she was 8 at the time.  I found she was going to be allowed at the reception..
Our daughter- her other neice was 6.. We had to drive 5 hrs to attend the wedding already.
We arranged for a sitter, and moved on. I was slightly annoyed one child was allowed and the other wasnt.  Turns out both of her sisters children.. the 8yr old flower girl and the 1 year old son (who wasnt in the wedding) was also allowed to attend the reception..
I was furious after that night. They all lived locally. We drove 5 hrs to attend and had to get a sitter for this "strictly adults only reception"
It caused a riff between the sisters and myself.. and.. years later.. I divorced my husband because the sisters and I never got along after that... I just felt that our daughter shouldnt have been excluded if other children werent. Plus my daughter saw pictures a year later and got upset asking why she wasnt allowed to go when her cousins were allowed.
bad.. bad. sorry had to vent.