+1 and other guest list issues

TinyDancer06

At this point, we're beginning the planning, and coming up with a budget.  MY FI and I came up with one master guest list, which almost totals 200 people.  Since I have a feeling that we'll be paying for the wedding ourselves, there's no way we can afford to invite this many people, so I'm looking to trim it down.  A few questions:

If I allow +1 for some, do I have to allow +1 for all?  Of course I am inviting my famiy and friend's significant others/husbands if they have them, but at the current time, I'm allowing my single friends and family bring a date.  If I cut here, is it appropriate to allow +1 for some but not others?  For example, my MOH is currently single, but I'd allow her to bring a date as opposed to my 19 year old cousin from OOT?

My FI does not have a relationship with his half sisters.  He has written them off completely, and therefore does not want to invite them.  However, he wants to invite his nephews (middle school and high school aged kids), that are the children of his half sisters.  He hasn't seen his nephews in years, and I have a feeling he's only inviting them as a "jab" at his sisters (he made a comment about it).  I'm not sure how I feel about doing this, I feel it's rude to invite the kids and not his sisters, but I don't want to be a bridezilla and dictate who he invites and doesn't.  My thoughts would be that if he doesn't invite his sisters, he doesn't invite the kids either.

Also, I have a larger family and a lot more close friends than my FI.  My FI wants to invite family from his step-mother's side, which is fine (evens out my family and his), however he has friends he wants to invite that he never talks to, and never sees.  I have a lot of close friends that I want to invite (most are married or in a serious relationship), and have left off other friends that I don't talk to all of the time (even though I'd love to invite).  Again, I don't want to be a bridezilla, but since we need to cut the list down, I think it should be kept to just close friends and family, and some of his friends that he doesn't talk to should be left off (or moved to a B list).

Last thing!  How do you handle close friends of parents?

(side note: we haven't officially set a date, but looking at May 2013, so I'm aware we have plenty of time and things/relationships/people change, but I'm just very type A and like to have myself organized ahead of time!)

dori851

I would give all single people a +1. We aren't having kids at our wedding, but if we were, I would just give everyone over 18 a +1. If they are dating someone at the time you send out invitations, they definitely need a +1.

As for your FI's half sisters, I think it's extremely rude to invite their children & not them. But you haven't given us any reasons of why your FI doesn't communicate with them or like them, so we can't really judge the situation without knowing more to the story.

Please don't make a B list, they're rude.

And, what do you mean about "how do you handle close friends of parents?" You either invite them or you don't. You said you & FI are paying for the wedding, so that's up to you two.

ebhavens

I would say +1 for all guests over 18.  Given you are so far out, some of those people will start dating as it get's closer, and it's best to factor that in before hand.

As far as who to cut, if you and your FI are paying, I would allow him to add those he feels strongly about.  If your parents are not paying for the wedding, then I would say you don't have to add your parents friends, if you need the room for other guests you feel strongly about.

Basically prioritize everybody, and get a set number that you need to stick with as far as guests.  We found out how many our venue would hold, and then looked back at our list, and cut people accordingly. 

OliveOilsMom

You can't invite half-sister's kids without her.  How will they get to the wedding?  Half sister is going to drop them off and pick them up?  Probably not.  The invitations will go to her house and she will see them.  She then may assume she is invited and add herself to the kids rsvp card.  Then comes the awkward call FI has to make to half sister to tell her only the kids are invited. 

While it's nice to give single people a plus one, it's not required.  If someone attending your wedding truly won't know anyone else, then extend them the plus one.  But if there is a group of single friends, they don't need a plus one, just sit them all together.  But be prepared for the truly single people to get a SO in the year+ before your wedding.  You will need to be able to accomodate their SO in that case.  Also its a nice courtesy to extend your entire WP with a plus one, but not required.  And also if someone is traveling from OOT, then it would be nice to extend them a plus one, so they are not traveling alone.

Also, don't create a B List.  It's rude to the people who are on the list.  They will know it too, when they get the invite so close to the RSVP deadline.  Create a list of must haves and would like to have.  The people on the must have list go on the invite list and then the would like to have would only get moved to the other list, if you can afford to host the people at the venue you choose.  Then those specific people get permanently transferred to the must have list.  The rest of the people, just don't get invited.

And only you and FI can determine how your friends should be invited to the wedding.  But if you can both make a rule where if you haven't spoken to a friend in say 6 months, then that person would not be invited, that is a good way to start trimming the friend portion of the list. 

adamar15

You don't have to give truly single people a plus one.  It's nice, but not absolutely necessary.  If your FI's half sister's kids are under 18, you can't invite them on their own.  Anyone 18 and up can get their own invitation, but it's up to you guys whether you think it'll cause problems.  You both need to agree on the guest list.  If you're expecting him to make cuts, you should be willing to do the same.  Please don't do a B list.  It's usually pretty obvious to the people who have been B-listed.  We invited some friends of our parents, but since we paid for the majority of the wedding we got final say on the guest list.

Good lord that was a lot to wade through.

StephBeanWed61502

1. I don't think you have to give all single guests a plus one, as long as there's a clear line drawn (so, say, you give bridal party members a +1 but no one else, or only family gets a +1, etc.).  That said, I think you're getting into dicey territory by doing this, and you do run the risk of insulting those who aren't given a +1 if/when they figure out that others were.  Also, your wedding is so far away that you really do need to budget for every single person to come with a guest, since they all might very well be in relationships by the time your invitations go out, at which point you'd have to invite their SO.

2. You can't invite minor children without their parents - that's insane.  How is a 12 year old supposed to get himself to your wedding?  It's as rude as inviting an adult without his or her SO.  Either the half-sisters and their kids get invited, or none of them get invited.

3. Your wedding guest list doesn't have to be evenly divided so that half the guests are "yours" and half are "FI's."  If he's adding people to the list just to make it "equal" he needs to cut it out.  What you should do is agree on a reasonable level of closeness - (i.e. "family up to first cousins and close friends only") and then both make lists of guests who actually fit that description.  If your list ends up at 75 and his at 50, so be it.  It's silly for him to add another 25 people just so it's the same.  If he's adding these people because he feels genuinely close to them (even if they haven't spoken recently, he may feel they're an important part of his life, so don't discredit his feelings about them just because he isn't "close" to them in the way you personally define "closeness"), that's fine, and you should try to be accommodating, but if he's adding just to make things equal he should cut it out.

4. DO NOT B-LIST.  Just don't do it.  It's rude, it's tacky, it's in poor taste.  The B-list will know darned well they're the B-list, no matter how cleverly you think you're handling the situation, so DON'T DO IT.

5. Handle close friends of parents the same way you handle every other person on the guest list - are they people you want there?  Cool, invite them.  Do you not care about having them there?  Also cool, don't invite them.  Easy.

6. It's fine to start talking about the guest list this far out.  The guest list dictates your budget per guest, the size venue you need, etc., so it's actually something you need to know before you do any other planning anyway. 

TinyDancer06

I definitely plan on giving anyone who is in a relationship/married a +1, I wasn't entirely sure if I needed to for all single people over 18, especially if we're trying to cut back on the guest list.

It's a long story on why he doesn't communicate with them.  Basically they've completed wiped their dad of money, hate his new wife (to the point of only inviting their dad to special family events but say he cannot come if he brings the new wife), and did not allow other close family members (like the kids of the deceased sister) to the funeral of their sister who died of a drug overdoes about 5 years ago.  All of this has made my FI to the point where he doesn't want anything to do with them.  Of course there's more to the story, but that's somewhat the gist of it.

I wasn't 100% sure on ettiquette of a B list, I've seen some people referencing inviting other people when people have declined the RSVP.  

Right now, we have included close friends of our parents on the list, but if we have to cut back, do we just take them off?  You're right, it's up to us, I just wasn't sure what other people have done.

Bonzo2011

While it would be nice to extend a plus one to everyone, I don't think it is necessary. We are only giving plus ones to the bridal party. Otherwise, if someone is truly single, they don't get a guest. Of course, anyone in a relationship gets to bring their SO. If your FIs nephews are in middle school, they really should be invited with their parents. I think it would be really rude to invite the kids but not the parents. But, like PP said, you didn't give the full story, so we don't know if there is something else going on here.

crash2729

I responded just as TK went "down" for a minute. So here goes again. 

If you have the space for +1's it's a nice gesture but not necessary.

B lists are rude. However, when I first started planning my list I had 3. One for people who must be invited (family.), people who should be invited (close family friends) and then those who could be invited (distant friends and co-workers). 
That way once we had a firm venue and capacity we could cut from the bottom up rather than just having a list with people randomly scribbled about. If that makes sense. But, just make sure they are all consolidated into one list when the invites are ready to go out. 

Re:Parents friends. It's nice if you can include them, but ultimately if you are paying you get final say.

TinyDancer06

I think I should be a little bit more clear. My must-have list is all family and close friends.  The next list are friends and people we'd like to invite if we are able.  I had also posted a reply when TK had gone down, so it should be there now.

crash2729

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_1-and-other-guest-list-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1bbc5877-70c9-4fcd-89aa-97a27677e99fPost:64494dfe-1760-4827-ba8a-7af653b0742a">Re: +1 and other guest list issues</a>:
[QUOTE]I think I should be a little bit more clear. My must-have list is all family and close friends.  The next list are friends and people we'd like to invite if we are able.  <strong>I had also posted a reply when TK had gone down, so it should be there now.</strong>
Posted by TinyDancer06[/QUOTE]
It probably won't. TK got hungry. :) <div>
</div><div>I think you can make as many lists as you want before you send out invites. But when you send out invites you should be down to one list. Once invites go out, you shouldn't send more invitations because people decline. KWIM? 

</div><div>Also, i wasn't saying you had to divide it like that, that's just how I divided mine as an example. </div>

JaxInBlue

I think it's good to be working out your guest list now, since the final size of that list could determine lot about your wedding, from the venue to the meal choice.

I don't think it's necessary to extend +1s to truly single people, but if you decide to do this you should probably leave some room in your guest list for those single people who may enter relationships between now and when your invites go out.

I agree with PPs that it would be odd to invite your FI's nephews without their parents if the nephews are still kids and live at home.  (Adults would be different.) Only your FI knows how not inviting his sisters would affect his overall family dynamic, and what the long-term consequences might be.  While I'm all for not inviting people to your wedding you don't want there (provided it doesn't break etiquette), family dynamics can sometimes make it easier to be the bigger person.  It's a call only you can make, but I don't think the nephews should be invited alone.

As for the disparities in family size, I think this is a place where you and your FI need to sit down and talk about what your budget can handle and what you want.  DH's family is a lot bigger than mine so we decided to invite in circles - we agreed on the "levels" of family we would invite and let that guide us.  When we saw that going one more level would likely push us over budget, we stopped.  This meant that we invited all aunts/uncles and first cousins but not beyond that.

It was definitely tough with friends.  We never would have done a B list, so we wound up not inviting a lot of friends given how big the family portion of our list was.  You and your FI should discuss what your guidelines for inviting friends could be - only inviting people you see or communicate with regularly?, people that belong to certain shared interest groups?, work friends?.   Having some idea of costs per person might help - you can balance wanting to invite a lot of people versus what you can spend.  That helped us a lot.

SB1512

Although B lists are rude, I am probably outside the norm and there are some cases where I personally wouldn't have a problem being b-listed.  Example, 2 summers ago a girl iwas really good friends with in high school, but hadn't talked to/hung out with in about 4 years invited me to her wedding.  I knew I was b-listed because I got invited 3wks prior to the event, but honestly, it didn't really bother me because I didn't expect to be invited in the first place, since we hadn't seen or spoken to each other in years.  I attended, had a great time and it actually gave us a chance to reconnect and now we schedule a get together at least once a month.  I really think b-listing is all about how an individual is going to take it. If someone I was close with b-listed me I'd probably be pissed/hurt but in the cases of oh I know this person and we don't really talk or aren't close I wouldnt have a problem if I was on their b-list.  but that's just me, everyone is going to have different feelings about it.

SB1512

I should also add that even though i feel this way FI and I are not b-listing.  The only way someone is going to get a last minute invite is if a person who is single when the invitation is received but happens to enter into a relationship within a few weeks of the wedding and we have space they can bring their SO. 

TinyDancer06

This is what I wrote after my original post that may have been eaten up by TK:

I definitely plan on giving anyone who is in a relationship/married a +1, I wasn't entirely sure if I needed to for all single people over 18, especially if we're trying to cut back on the guest list.

It's a long story on why he doesn't communicate with them.  Basically they've completed wiped their dad of money, hate his new wife (to the point of only inviting their dad to special family events but say he cannot come if he brings the new wife), and did not allow other close family members (like the kids of the deceased sister) to the funeral of their sister who died of a drug overdoes about 5 years ago.  All of this has made my FI to the point where he doesn't want anything to do with them.  Of course there's more to the story, but that's somewhat the gist of it.

I wasn't 100% sure on ettiquette of a B list, I've seen some people referencing inviting other people when people have declined the RSVP.  

Right now, we have included close friends of our parents on the list, but if we have to cut back, do we just take them off?  You're right, it's up to us, I just wasn't sure what other people have done.

crash2729

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_1-and-other-guest-list-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1bbc5877-70c9-4fcd-89aa-97a27677e99fPost:691dcead-b242-419b-9ec0-e9d065cb834b">Re: +1 and other guest list issues</a>:
[QUOTE]This is what I wrote after my original post that may have been eaten up by TK: I definitely plan on giving anyone who is in a relationship/married a +1, I wasn't entirely sure if I needed to for all single people over 18, especially if we're trying to cut back on the guest list. It's a long story on why he doesn't communicate with them.  Basically they've completed wiped their dad of money, hate his new wife (to the point of only inviting their dad to special family events but say he cannot come if he brings the new wife), and did not allow other close family members (like the kids of the deceased sister) to the funeral of their sister who died of a drug overdoes about 5 years ago.  All of this has made my FI to the point where he doesn't want anything to do with them.  Of course there's more to the story, but that's somewhat the gist of it. I wasn't 100% sure on ettiquette of a B list, I've seen some people referencing inviting other people when people have declined the RSVP.   Right now, we have included close friends of our parents on the list, <strong>but if we have to cut back, do we just take them off? </strong> You're right, it's up to us, I just wasn't sure what other people have done.
Posted by TinyDancer06[/QUOTE]<div>Yes. 
just make sure that your parents don't tell them they are invited. 
I had to make a lot of cuts. My venue told me they would hold 150 while they were building it. Then turns out once it was finished it would only hold 120. 
So we had to make a lot of cuts. But no one knew they were on the list so it didn't matter. 

</div>

wowand135

We are having +1s for people in relationships, but not people who are truly single. Like you are considering, I am making an exception for the bridal party. My MOH is definitely single but she can bring a date.

I would invite the half-sisters and the kids or none at all, and I'd err on the side of invite them. They are family and not inviting them will make whatever it is worse. Maybe you don't currently think the relationship can ever be repaired but if you don't invite them you're ensuring that.

I think friends of parents depends on the budget, who's paying, and how close you personally are to them.

AngelRiddle

My FI and I are only doing +1's for married, engaged, or serious couples. 

It sounds like it would create a lot of family drama if you invited the children of the half sisters, but not the half sisters themselves.  You would need to at least extend the invitation to them.

As for close friends of parents, here's what I did: I just told them that I would like to at least know them.  If I don't know them or they haven't seen me recently, then I would prefer that their space be filled with someone I still currently speak to.  So, they want to invite two of their best friends, and their past and present pastors (four people in total).  I realize their significance with our family, so I have no problem with them coming.  My parents are footing the bill for most of the wedding, but they are at least understanding of this.

sweetcanadian1979

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_1-and-other-guest-list-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1bbc5877-70c9-4fcd-89aa-97a27677e99fPost:81c0057d-6120-4e51-8773-fd319f517fee">+1 and other guest list issues</a>:
[QUOTE]At this point, we're beginning the planning, and coming up with a budget.  MY FI and I came up with one master guest list, which almost totals 200 people.  Since I have a feeling that we'll be paying for the wedding ourselves, there's no way we can afford to invite this many people, so I'm looking to trim it down.  <strong>A few questions: If I allow +1 for some, do I have to allow +1 for all? </strong> Of course I am inviting my famiy and friend's significant others/husbands if they have them, but at the current time, I'm allowing my single friends and family bring a date.  If I cut here, is it appropriate to allow +1 for some but not others?  For example, my MOH is currently single, but I'd allow her to bring a date as opposed to my 19 year old cousin from OOT? My FI does not have a relationship with his half sisters.  He has written them off completely, and therefore does not want to invite them.  <strong>However, he wants to invite his nephews (middle school and high school aged kids), that are the children of his half sisters.</strong>  He hasn't seen his nephews in years, and I have a feeling he's only inviting them as a "jab" at his sisters (he made a comment about it).  I'm not sure how I feel about doing this, I feel it's rude to invite the kids and not his sisters, but I don't want to be a bridezilla and dictate who he invites and doesn't.  My thoughts would be that if he doesn't invite his sisters, he doesn't invite the kids either. Also, I have a larger family and a lot more close friends than my FI.  My FI wants to invite family from his step-mother's side, which is fine (evens out my family and his), <strong>however he has friends he wants to invite that he never talks to, and never sees. </strong> I have a lot of close friends that I want to invite (most are married or in a serious relationship), and have left off other friends that I don't talk to all of the time (even though I'd love to invite).  Again, I don't want to be a bridezilla, but since we need to cut the list down, I think it should be kept to just close friends and family, and some of his friends that he doesn't talk to should be left off (or moved to a B list). Last thing!  How do you handle close friends of parents? (side note: we haven't officially set a date, but looking at May 2013, so I'm aware we have plenty of time and things/relationships/people change, but I'm just very type A and like to have myself organized ahead of time!)
Posted by TinyDancer06[/QUOTE]

<div>1st bolded part. Anyone in a relationship must get a +1, seems you know that. Single people do NOT need one. I would extend to wedding party though, they are doing you a service & should be made totally comfortable. OOT guests should get a +1 if they have to travel by themselves. It is no fun going on a trip alone. No one should have a problem with that. </div><div>
</div><div>2nd bolded part. If he doesn't have a relationship with his nephews he should not invite them to get back at his sisters. That is just plain rude. I would NEVER let my son go to a wedding that i was not invited too. </div><div>
</div><div>3rd bolded part. If he NEVER sees/talks to these "friends" then why would they be invited? To me would seem gift grabby even though he doesn't see it that way. </div><div>
</div><div>
</div>

Katelyn89

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_1-and-other-guest-list-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1bbc5877-70c9-4fcd-89aa-97a27677e99fPost:a60b169a-5eec-424a-ab01-bbca0e479b9f">Re: +1 and other guest list issues</a>:
[QUOTE]Although B lists are rude, I am probably outside the norm and there are some cases where I personally wouldn't have a problem being b-listed.  Example, 2 summers ago a girl iwas really good friends with in high school, but hadn't talked to/hung out with in about 4 years invited me to her wedding.  I knew I was b-listed because I got invited 3wks prior to the event, but honestly, it didn't really bother me because I didn't expect to be invited in the first place, since we hadn't seen or spoken to each other in years.  I attended, had a great time and it actually gave us a chance to reconnect and now we schedule a get together at least once a month.  I really think b-listing is all about how an individual is going to take it. If someone I was close with b-listed me I'd probably be pissed/hurt but in the cases of oh I know this person and we don't really talk or aren't close I wouldnt have a problem if I was on their b-list.  but that's just me, everyone is going to have different feelings about it.
Posted by SB1512[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>That's great that you weren't offended, but if I am not close enough to be invited the first time don't expect me to attend and spend a ton of money on the wedding (gift, travel, hotel, attire...).

</div>

SA+Bride

We are doing the same with our guest list. Married couples, engaged couple and couples we know are invited to the wedding. All our single friends did not get a +1. We are also paying for our own wedding. Since handing out our invites, three of my single friends have become involved with someone. They have asked if their new partners are welcome at the wedding.  We will wait till we have received all our RSVP's before we make a decision.

Just be prepared that your single friends may meet their match and become involved before your wedding.

pattib5

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_1-and-other-guest-list-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1bbc5877-70c9-4fcd-89aa-97a27677e99fPost:a60b169a-5eec-424a-ab01-bbca0e479b9f">Re: +1 and other guest list issues</a>:
[QUOTE]Although B lists are rude, I am probably outside the norm and there are some cases where I personally wouldn't have a problem being b-listed.  Example, 2 summers ago a girl iwas really good friends with in high school, but hadn't talked to/hung out with in about 4 years invited me to her wedding.  I knew I was b-listed because I got invited 3wks prior to the event, but honestly, it didn't really bother me because I didn't expect to be invited in the first place, since we hadn't seen or spoken to each other in years.  I attended, had a great time and it actually gave us a chance to reconnect and now we schedule a get together at least once a month.  I really think b-listing is all about how an individual is going to take it. If someone I was close with b-listed me I'd probably be pissed/hurt but in the cases of oh I know this person and we don't really talk or aren't close I wouldnt have a problem if I was on their b-list.  but that's just me, everyone is going to have different feelings about it.
Posted by SB1512[/QUOTE]

I agree. I was b-listed once by an acquaintance - and never even received a formal invitation - but she had told me ahead of time that if a few people declined, she'd be able to invite me along with a few other girls. I was thrilled when she said she officially had room for me and I had a great time at the wedding. And it was OOT even!

It just all depends on who you're b-listing, how it's presented, and if you know that person will be ok with it.