Problematic Cousin

Danae1000

My Fi has a cousin who has been arrested for assault and drug use, has ruined a few family gathering by being high and picking fights, and he is overly aggressive. I've only met him once but these are all things I've heard about him, but I'm torn on whether or not to invite him. It would not even be a question if he weren't family. I think family is important on one hand but I also do NOT want someone at my wedding who may be high off of his mind and/or get into a physical fight. My FMIL as well as my FSIL have both told me that he should not be invited because of these behavoral problems.

Initially my Fi and I made up our minds that we didn't want him there and we told my FMIL to inform her brother that his son (Fi's cousin) wasn't invited before invites went out so that there wasn't confusion as to why he wasn't on the invite. Apparently, she is overly worried about her brother being offended (which I understand he may rightfully be) because he backs up his son no matter how bad his behavior is. So my FMIL and FFIL decided that they would hold off on telling him and wait for my Fi's cousin to get arrested so they don't have to break the news that he's not invited.

I'm torn on what to do. I don't want to force my FMIL into a sticky situation with her brother. I don't want someone who will likely get into a fight at my wedding. I don't want to start off joining my Fi's family by excluding family members.

lharri12

First of all, this is your FI's family issue, not something you should be directly involved with.  Second, if your FMIL and FSIL both agreed that he shouldn't be invited, it sounds like you're not "forcing" your FMIL into a sticky situation.  Let your FI's side of the family worry about how to handle this, since they agree he shouldn't be invited.

mica178

Ditto lharri.  Stay out of it.  You're not family yet, let your FI and his family deal with it.
Does this cousin always get invited to other family functions?  If he doesn't receive an invitation, his parents might just take the hint.

Simply Fated

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_problematic-cousin?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1d5839b5-3515-4eba-848a-1344f7ee2345Post:2f362482-7f31-4ee2-86fe-a2fafda20264">Problematic Cousin</a>:
[QUOTE]we told my FMIL to inform her brother that his son (Fi's cousin) wasn't invited before invites went out so that there wasn't confusion as to why he wasn't on the invite. [/quote]

 [quote]I don't want to force my FMIL into a sticky situation with her brother.
Posted by Danae1000[/QUOTE]
You already did force her into a sticky situation by telling her to go talk to her brother about your invitations.


I don't know what advice you need now, other than... you should stay out of it from now on. This is something your fiance needs to deal with. This now involves him and his mother.
You also didn't say how old this cousin is, unless I'm missing it. If he is an adult, then it's really nothing your fiance's aunt and uncle can do about it. If they are offended, they can decide not to attend and continue enabling their child.

danieliza1127

Just send the invitation and leave the cousin off of it.  There's no further explanation needed and your future in-laws shouldn't have to approach the Dad first and give him a head's up.  If the cousin's parents are offended that he isn't invited, then they don't have to come.  You and your FI just need to make your own decision and be prepared to stick with it.