Stuck in the middle of my parents ugly divorce.

arendiva

After 28 years of marriage my mom decided 2 months ago that she wanted a divorce from my father. Things have gotten ugly quickly on both sides. Most notably my mom has obtained a restraining order against my dad prohibition him from contacting or being within 500 ft of her or my 16 year old sister. She obtained the restraining order by falsely claiming that he was physically abusive towards her. This is a gross lie. He never raised a hand to her.

Having said that though, he was a shitty husband and I don't blame her for wanting to divorce him. I love both my parents dearly and am keeping in equal contact with both as their divorce proceedings progress. I'm trying my damnedest to not get in the middle of their quagmire but my October wedding complicates that.

When my mom first got the restraining orser I asked her how that was going to work with my wedding and she promised my that it would be lifted by my wedding. She told me that she had only obtained it because she knew my dad would never leave the house willingly and that she was afraid of his temper. her filing for divorce was a complete blindside. I took her at her word and tried to put the issue out of my mind.

My 18 year old sister was visiting me today and she told me that my mom has no intention of lifting the restraining order EVER and that she frequently and openly discusses this with people. I'm hurt by this. I'm hurt that she lied to me. I'm hurt that she hasn't had the balls to talk to me about it when apparently she talking to everyone else about it. I'm also hurt that she would put me in a horrible situation where I have to choose which parent can attend my wedding.

I'm certain that she automatically assumes that I will chose her, especially since the restraining order also effects my sister who is one of my bridesmaids. I'm very conflicted. My dad isn't in the best health. I know that of his three daughters my wedding is probably the only one he will live to see and however shitty of a husband he may have been he was a good father to me. He's excited to walk me down the aisle and have a father daughter dance with me and I don't feel like we should be robbed of that experience. On the other hand I'm very close to both of my little sisters and I know the youngest would be devesated if she couldn't come to my wedding due to a restraining order that she never wanted to be a part of in the first place.

I don't know what to do. Should I confront my mom on the topic or wait until it's closer to the wedding with the hope that with time she will do the right thing and lift the restraining order?

Knottie_22382005

That is a terrible situation that your MOM put you in. The lies about your father and then lying to you is horrible. No excuses for it. The fact that she did that to you and your sisters is upseting. Honestly, if I were you, I would choose my dad if it came down to it because of the reasons you explained. I think your mom is only thinking of herself and being very childish. You really need to sit her down and talk to her because you love both of your parents and want them all there including your sisters. Your mom should not be this selfish. I really hope the situation gets better. I am so sorry you're dealing with this. 

AddieCake

I think I would wait a bit. It all seems very fresh and people are angry right now. Probably not a good time to add more confrontation.

arendiva

I'm just so frustrated with the whole situation. I really don't want to be a bridezilla and try to make their divorce about me, but I just don't think it's that huge of a request to expect both my parents to attend my wedding. I'll seat them at opposite ends of the tent, opposite sides of the aisle and I'll do pictures separately, but I'd like them both to be there.

I'm going to wait until it gets closer to confront my mom. Maybe 3 months out or something because feelings are fresh right now and I really want to hope that given time she will do the right thing on her own. But If push comes to shove though I do think I'm going to pick my dad. I'll just tell my mom that there will be a seat waiting for her if she drops the restraining order and I'll let her make her own chose about what is more important to her. It sucks that my little sister will be colatteral damage, but maybe that will be the extra shove my mom needs to make the right choice.

Knottie_22382005

Yeah, I def. agree you should wait it out right now. I hope things get figured out!

s-aries8990

I'm NEY but I have a similar-ish situation. My mom has a permanent restrianing order against my father - it's unlikely your mother will be able to file for a permanent one because it requires a police-documented history of repeated abuse and breaking the order. In MA they are initially done for 6 mos, then a year, and then they have to be renewed every one or two years. My mother had hers for 10 years, with police reports in between, before it was made permanent, and at the last 2 or so hearings, he didn't even show up to court to defend/refute his position.

You should not have to choose. Closer to the wedding, talk to your mom about it - and try and do it as casually as possible. Address it as your day, it's one of the rare, few and far between times you can pull this card. You should be able to have who you want there. They should be able to put their differences aside. If your mother or father calls the authorities regarding the other one's attendance at your wedding, you know who the evil one is.

Best of luck!

arendiva

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_stuck-in-the-middle-of-my-parents-ugly-divorce?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1ef0e086-5c56-4369-ae66-96c02ecfa6f3Post:b1d346a4-1fd9-4c90-a560-503660759788">Re: Stuck in the middle of my parents ugly divorce.</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm NEY but I have a similar-ish situation. My mom has a permanent restrianing order against my father - it's unlikely your mother will be able to file for a permanent one because it requires a police-documented history of repeated abuse and breaking the order. <strong>In MA they are initially done for 6 mos, then a year, and then they have to be renewed every one or two years.</strong> My mother had hers for 10 years, with police reports in between, before it was made permanent, and at the last 2 or so hearings, he didn't even show up to court to defend/refute his position. You should not have to choose. Closer to the wedding, talk to your mom about it - and try and do it as casually as possible. Address it as your day, it's one of the rare, few and far between times you can pull this card. You should be able to have who you want there. They should be able to put their differences aside. If your mother or father calls the authorities regarding the other one's attendance at your wedding, you know who the evil one is. Best of luck!
Posted by sydaries[/QUOTE]

My parents also live in MA and the current restraining order is only for 6 months. I don't know how my mom plans on having it extended but I'm kind of hoping she fails as that would just make the situation resolve itself.

sarahroslansky

First of all, I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I think you should talk to your mom about the situation and explain that you want all of your family at your wedding, and that you don't want to deprive either parent or any of your siblings of being a part of that day. You're right to try not to be too much of a diva about it but at the same time, your mom and dad and sisters DO (I hope and assume) all want to be a part of your wedding day. An open conversation seems like the only way to get anywhere with this situation.

Knottie_22382102

I'm so sorry to hear about this...certainly not fair to have to consider this craziness when planning your wedding.

I would definitely wait a while. I'd probably even plant some seeds over the next several months with her directly and via your sisters. For example, "I get so emotional thinking about dad walking me down the aisle"...."I'm thinking about X song for the father daughter dance"... "It would mean so much to me if you were able both just enjoy our wedding day"...

If she hears something hear and there about how much it means for him to be part of the day... maybe that will soften her when thinking about the wedding at least.

When you get closer to the wedding, I'd definitely have a heart to heart with her about it....and I'd uninvite her if she refused to let my father attend the wedding.

audreyecu61

I'm sorry you have this added stress.

In Ca. you can get a temporary waiver, meaning a document that allows your dad to come to wedding as long as he sits on opposite side of tent, etc.

Give your mom time to cool her jets and approach her with this suggestion. This request is for you and not for her. Hopefully she'll see the light.

Good luck

nextrightthing

I'm sorry you are going through this.  Divorce can get really ugly.

I don't know the law in MA, but here, most restraining orders automatically expire on a certain date unless the party seeking the restraining order appears and provides evidence that it is necessary. 

I agree with PP, give it time.  In a couple months, talk to mom about it.

Calypso1977

would she actually press charges?   not sure how tehse things work, but if he comes near her, she has to actually call the police and tell them he's violating the order and then decide to press charges on the violation.  right?  again, i dont know much about these, btu its not like he's wearing a bracelet that automatically  beeps when he come within the unallowed distancce. 

arendiva

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_stuck-in-the-middle-of-my-parents-ugly-divorce?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1ef0e086-5c56-4369-ae66-96c02ecfa6f3Post:fb154d04-2b50-45a1-b323-08c3dcf50d65">Re: Stuck in the middle of my parents ugly divorce.</a>:
[QUOTE]would she actually press charges?   not sure how tehse things work, but if he comes near her, she has to actually call the police and tell them he's violating the order and then decide to press charges on the violation.  right?  again, i dont know much about these, btu its not like he's wearing a bracelet that automatically  beeps when he come within the unallowed distancce. 
Posted by Calypso1977[/QUOTE]

Prior to their divorce I would have answered no. I would never have thought my mom would get my dad arrested out of spite. But now I think she would. My dad locked his keys in his car a few weeks ago on a really cold day. He called my 18 year old sister (who still lives with mom) and asked if she would bring the spare set of truck keys that were still at the house (since he has never had an opportunity to come to the house for his stuff) my mom wouldn't let my sister bring them. My  dad who is in poor health had to wait outside in the bitter cold without a coat for over an hour for AAA. At this point I wouldn't put it past her to call the police.