FMIL thread

CurlsNpearls12

I need a backbone. For the last 7 years I've let my FMIL walk all over me. FI speaks up for me, but I can't have him defending me forever.

She's extremely insecure, judgemental and thinks that her "golden child" (FI) deserves to wear an all out camouflage head to toe get up for a tuxedo because it's his wedding too. (Even though FI gets a camouflage vest & he's happy with it)

Sorry, I refuse to let my groom look like a hunting fool on our wedding day.

It eventually turned into FMIL telling me I've changed, I'm being snobby and I can't always have it MY way. I quitely left her house and have just avoided the convorsation since.

She also took it upon herself to tell one of our GM he is FI's Best Man without us knowing. We hadn't even discussed a best man yet. So when we ran into the GM, he talked about how excited he was to be our best man. We felt like IDIOTS because we had no idea what he was talking about. Regardless, he's still the best man because we couldn't just say "oh yeah, by the way, you're not the best man".

I'm nothing but kind to the woman and all I get is her degrading remarks constantly. Yesterday, FI's cousin called me and said that she wanted to let me know that FMIL told her I haven't included her in the wedding what so ever because I'm being a "B1tch about the whole wedding". 

I've tried to include her in the plans, but everything is ugly/a bad idea/ stupid. Such as my dress.. according to her my dress looks horrible on me, and it's only made for a size 0 girl. (I'm a size 12)

I've never said anything to put her down or judge her way of living or up bringing. I'd rather be the one to keep quiet and keep everyone at peace.

I don't know how, but I need to think about making myself happy and quit letting her walk all over me. With the wedding under 2 months away, I have no time to worry about childish games like we're in high school.

Vent end.

runpipparun

Don't include her in the wedding plans. Why are you trying to include her if she walks all over you?

CurlsNpearls12

I quit including her, which is why she's all hasty about not being involved anymore.

jessicabessica

Sorry, that sounds really frustrating.  On the tux issue, your FI should deal with it--the fact that he is happy with what you both decided and the issue that it's not her place to decide that you are controlling in your relationship, that is between you and your FI and does not involve his mother.  As for your cousin, I have family that will tell me "so and so cousin is mad at you for xyz, you should really apologize," and stuff like that, and I just say, "I hope that so and so cousin would tell me if something was bothering her, so if it is upsetting her, I can hear it from her."  I cannot stand family gossip and accusations any more, and I've found that that puts an end to some of it.

CurlsNpearls12

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fmil-thread?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:1ff67835-9f5b-49a4-b383-9028eb5e59ccPost:4e261217-952a-4789-ab78-c9b41c4b782c">Re: FMIL thread</a>:
[QUOTE]Sorry, that sounds really frustrating.  On the tux issue, your FI should deal with it--the fact that he is happy with what you both decided and the issue that it's not her place to decide that you are controlling in your relationship, that is between you and your FI and does not involve his mother.  As for your cousin, I have family that will tell me "so and so cousin is mad at you for xyz, you should really apologize," and stuff like that, and I just say, "I hope that so and so cousin would tell me if something was bothering her, so if it is upsetting her, I can hear it from her."  I cannot stand family gossip and accusations any more, and I've found that that puts an end to some of it.
Posted by jessicabessica[/QUOTE]

I agree. I'm by no means going to bring up what FI's cousin said to FMIL. It's not my thing to put someone in a situation when she was just giving me a heads up that my "oh so perfect FMIL" is actually catty behind my back. And I guess I appreciated that because I never saw that side of FMIL until now. Like I said..Highschool games played by a 48 year old.

CurlsNpearls12

Before FI and I bought our house together, she was THE perfect MIL. Until I started treating her youngest child like my husband (cooking/cleaning/laundary/wedding planning) everything changed.

runpipparun

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fmil-thread?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1ff67835-9f5b-49a4-b383-9028eb5e59ccPost:17e51c4d-b2ff-48e9-9dbd-2668fad63fa5">Re: FMIL thread</a>:
[QUOTE]I quit including her, which is why she's all hasty about not being involved anymore.
Posted by CurlsNpearls12[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Ignore her attempts to get your attention (the gossiping, complaining to other people, etc). Responding to it is what she wants. In what ways is your FI standing up for you? Because it sounds like he needs to have a chat with her and tell her to back off and shut up.

</div>

CurlsNpearls12

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fmil-thread?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:1ff67835-9f5b-49a4-b383-9028eb5e59ccPost:f4b10668-f4a2-4868-b2a2-990ac91e3ce0">Re: FMIL thread</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: FMIL thread : Ignore her attempts to get your attention (the gossiping, complaining to other people, etc). Responding to it is what she wants. In what ways is your FI standing up for you? Because it sounds like he needs to have a chat with her and tell her to back off and shut up.
Posted by runpipparun[/QUOTE]

FI basically puts her in her place when he is around and hears the judgemental things she says to me. I've thought of asking him to REALLY deal with it like a sit down chat right to the point convorsation..but I know it would make things worse, and based on the way she is, she would probably threaten to not even show up to the wedding. Which wouldn't be the worst thing in the world, but I don't have the time or patience to deal with it so close to the wedding.

runpipparun

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fmil-thread?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1ff67835-9f5b-49a4-b383-9028eb5e59ccPost:cb85c10c-e123-4f4c-a798-728c89178360">Re: FMIL thread</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: FMIL thread : FI basically puts her in her place when he is around and hears the judgemental things she says to me. I've thought of asking him to REALLY deal with it like a sit down chat right to the point convorsation..but I know it would make things worse, and based on the way she is, she would probably threaten to not even show up to the wedding. Which wouldn't be the worst thing in the world, but I don't have the time or patience to deal with it so close to the wedding.
Posted by CurlsNpearls12[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Maybe that's a chat you need to have. Does he know how much this is bothering you? If you haven't come clean to him, that's not a good sign. You should be able to talk openly with him about whatever is causing you stress, hurt, and anxiety, even if it is his mom. And if he IS aware how much this bothers you, he should be proactive about laying the smack down out of concern for your feelings. Should he not? You shouldn't really have to prod him to take care of it, should you? Not at this late stage. I could understand if you were just dating and he was still attached to his mom, but you are 2 months from your wedding; he should be able to confront his mother by now.

</div>

egm900

Same thing is happening with us, FI is really good about addressing things as they come up, but a sit down chat will only make things worse.  Since I trust FI to back up anything I say, I've started speaking my mind (although trying to keep it as nice as possible).  Like if she brought up the camo tux again, I would say something like FI and I decided that just the vest will be camo.  Then if she brings it up with him, he would say I really only want a camo vest Mom.  It's working, although she still isn't thrilled, but she isn't going to be unless we completely hand the wedding over to her, which neither FI or I want to do.  That realization helped me come to terms with everything and start speaking my mind.

CurlsNpearls12

<div align="left">In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fmil-thread?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:1ff67835-9f5b-49a4-b383-9028eb5e59ccPost:e79f7174-7feb-49ed-9da4-e11dc1c5d909">Re: FMIL thread</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: FMIL thread : Maybe that's a chat you need to have. Does he know how much this is bothering you? If you haven't come clean to him, that's not a good sign. You should be able to talk openly with him about whatever is causing you stress, hurt, and anxiety, even if it is his mom. And if he IS aware how much this bothers you, he should be proactive about laying the smack down out of concern for your feelings. Should he not? You shouldn't really have to prod him to take care of it, should you? Not at this late stage. I could understand if you were just dating and he was still attached to his mom, but you are 2 months from your wedding; he should be able to confront his mother by now.
Posted by runpipparun[/QUOTE]

I agree with everything. FI understands how I feel because we are 100% open to each other, however he also knows how I feel about not letting it all fly right now. We've discussed it and I told him it was important he didn't confront her at this time. I know it would just make it worse because she's not emotionally stable enough of a person to deal with it in a mature way.</div>

runpipparun

So what kind of advice are you asking? You said you needed a backbone, but I think if you say anything to her, the sh!tstorm you bring upon yourself will be worse than if he said anything.

Or are you just venting?

CurlsNpearls12

Just venting. Hoping someone else would chime in about their MIL so mine didn't sound so nuts.

krose83013

Ahh! so sorry for you. Just take a deep breath and tell her you have things already organized and handled. That you appreciate her offering to help but you have it taken care of. Sort of like killing her with kindness.

runpipparun

Oh, mine is nuts, too, with a crazy, volatile, mean-spirited FSIL to boot. We aren't speaking to his family right now. He isn't sure whether his mom is capable of being involved in our lives without trying to run them and without causing stress and anxiety, so he isn't sure whether he wants to try to heal things, even IF his mom and sister apologize for the hateful things they said.

kjohnson1201

Okay for what it's worth mine is controlling, passive aggressive, and everything she says makes me feel like I'm being interigated. To make it worse almost no one will stand up to her because they have all decided that she is this way because he life has been soooo hard and that she can't change anyways. They all know she's crazy but no one does anything and they are all so used to her they don't notice that everything she says to me is an insult. She too loved me at one point until I told her she was wrong when she was and she blew up on me got in my face and kicked me out of her house.

I've basically decided she gets no say in my wedding and I have no problem saying in a tactful way that my parents are host (ie paying) so she needn't worry herself about it. I however do stand up for myself and I don't recommend it, it makes things worse not better.Just rest assured yours is not the worst.

willywally5

This blows. Hard. For you AND fiance. Maybe I'm a pushover of a mom, but I just cannot believe how badly some parents treat their kids. 

Sounds like she acts this way because she has been alllowed to for basically ever. Everyone walks on eggshells cuz she's a loon. 

I think your only hope is for FI to have a come to Jesus meeting with her. Cuz Pippa is right, if you do it there will be a huge hurricane of shiz for sure. She'd twist it all around and make you the evil beast. 

But it'd be best to do it NOW or at least before you have any kids cuz it will only get worse. 

CurlsNpearls12

willy, you took the words out of my mouth. I do walk on eggshells, and yes, everyone lets her act passive aggressive her entire life, and not do anthing about it. I believe that once the wedding is over, it will be my time to speak up, and when I become a mom, I will be especially comfortable putting my foot down.

egm900

Think of now as being your practice time for when you become a mom.  My friend had a similar situation, and standing up to her MIL and taking care of a new baby was quite traumatic for everyone.  It's better if you've given your FMIL a clue now so when you have a child, she doesn't go completely nuts because that's her GRANDCHILD and yada yada yada.

runpipparun

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fmil-thread?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1ff67835-9f5b-49a4-b383-9028eb5e59ccPost:9bddcaa9-44d0-4b19-8ee8-e4f462dc924f">Re: FMIL thread</a>:
[QUOTE]willy, you took the words out of my mouth. I do walk on eggshells, and yes, <strong>everyone lets her act passive aggressive her entire life, and not do anthing about it.</strong> I believe that once the wedding is over, it will be my time to speak up, and when I become a mom, I will be especially comfortable putting my foot down.
Posted by CurlsNpearls12[/QUOTE]

<div>Yeah, my FMIL basically runs that entire side of the family, even her husband's family. Every family event, every birthday party, everything is at her house, planned by her, etc. There are 3 "family Christmases" every December (FI went home for 2 last year), FSIL's kids get multiple birthday parties... I mean, everything is an ordeal, and everyone is expected to show up. FMIL harrasses people on Facebook when they haven't RSVP'd or told her WHEN they will be there. People are afraid of crossing her. She still runs FSIL's life and raises her kids. We live four driving hours from them, which she views as an eternity and a financial hardship, and she moans incessantly about how he never visits, if visiting every two months counts as never visiting. (I moved from Arkansas to California at 18 for college, and lived there for 8 years, so my parents think his mother should STFU.)</div><div>
</div><div>I told FI from day 1 that I am an independent woman, and I wanted an independent man. I envision holidays in my own home, not dragging my kids across the country for holidays at "Mimi" and "Poppy's" house (sorry, I hate names like those). I will not show up whenever his mother snaps her fingers, because I don't do that for my own mom, who has enough courtesy to ask or invite.</div><div>
</div><div>His growing independence has come as a shock to his mom, who doesn't seem capable of accepting him for the self-sufficient, 27 year-old m an he has become: a professional, a soon-to-be husband, able to make his own decisions about a lot of things (religion, his finances, which she always wants to pitch in about). Like I said in my last post, the question is, if she is unable to accept him as an independent adult, and not her 17 year-old boy who did everything she asked the way she wanted, then... is there a place for her in his life? I can't answer that for him, and he doesn't seem to be missing her phone calls. Probably because when she called, all she did was talk about FSIL's kids and complain about how long her hours are; no, she never asked about him, or me, or our dogs, or his job.</div>

willywally5

I really feel for you ladies ... my own mom wasn't perfect but man, she was super normal compared to what you have to put up with. 

One good thing that can come of it: you will know how NOT to treat your kids when you have them. 

Best of luck to you both!