Rehearsal dinner differences with in-laws- help!

dmulhaupt

My future Mother In Law wants to host a large rehearsal dinner, and I envisioned a smaller more intimate dinner with only immediate family and wedding party. She wants to invite all her brothers, sisters, and their families which I dont want. I would much rather the extra $ go towards the wedding than the rehearsal. How can I nicely tell her I want a small dinner and we'd appreciate any extra $ they were planning to go towards the wedding? Or is it really their decision since they are offering to pay? Help!

MrsKathyC

Have your FI discuss it with her. Let her know that you'd prefer just to have the bridal party, etc for the rehersal dinner. Just because she's paying shouldn't mean she controls everything with an iron fist.  See if there's any leeway with her.  DO NOT ask for the extra money to be used elsewhere!!!!

misssunshine17

You definitely can't tell her that she should give you the extra money. 

You can decline her offer to host and plan & pay for the rehearsal yourself. 

hoffse

Look I sympathize because the exact same thing is happening with me.  Last I heard, we're looking at about 100 people for our rehearsal dinner and both FI and I wanted something more intimate.  But ultimately, it's their money and they get to call the shots.  If it matters so much that it be intimate, then you need to pay for it.  Your inlaws may want to host something that they feel is semi-equivalent to the reception.  That's how mine feel - they want their family and my family to know that they are able and willing to host something nice.  It will be less fancy than the reception, but it's still going to be just as nice.  It sounds like your inlaws have the same vision, and that's totally their perogative.

kimandjosh22

If they're paying for it they get to decide.  You might be suprised how many end-up on your RD list. (I have no idea where you are in the planning process) Once we got readers, a few musical friends, immediate family, WP, and all SOs counted we ended-up inviting 60 people to RD...when I was still envisioning it being a small intimate dinner.

JoanE2012

They pay, they determine guest list.

achiduck

S/he who pays gets the say.

With that being said, if you really want a smaller RD then you need to decline her offer and pay for it yourself.

LDubHawksFan

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rehearsal-dinner-differences-with-in-laws-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:20b06e3b-3ede-46d7-bb5c-465252350127Post:48b14895-0c28-47dd-9a24-1d5f5b644e60">Re: Rehearsal dinner differences with in-laws- help!</a>:
[QUOTE]If they're paying for it they get to decide.  You might be suprised how many end-up on your RD list. (I have no idea where you are in the planning process) Once we got readers, a few musical friends, immediate family, WP, and all SOs counted we ended-up inviting 60 people to RD...when I was still envisioning it being a small intimate dinner.
Posted by kimandjosh22[/QUOTE]

Agreed!  I thought we would be having a smaller RD too, but my FMIL is insistant that all OOT guests are invited.  I told her I would only invite my OOT family/WP, but not my college friends, but that is already like 40 people!  As of right now, we are looking at probably 55-60 people the night before, when our wedding list is around 120!  ha

If you want something smaller though, you should just plan on paying for it yourself.  It doesn't have to be fancy.

runpipparun

I agree with above, and chuck in, at least your in-laws are throwing you a rehearsal dinner. My in-laws told my fiance to pay for it and host it himself because they would be too busy with FSIL and her children to pay attention to hosting duties. Yay. I believe my folks will be paying and my brother will be hosting ours.

dmulhaupt

Thanks for all the help. It is a semi-destination wedding for everyone and she wants to include all out-of-towners which would be everyone! Our wedding is only about 100 people but I should jsut appreciate her offer to throw a nice dinner for us!

Bkseller13

I think it's very nice and generous of her to try to include all the out of towners.  I really don't think you'll be expected to mingle with all of them.  You've gotten good advice above, good luck.

andrea2473

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rehearsal-dinner-differences-with-in-laws-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:20b06e3b-3ede-46d7-bb5c-465252350127Post:a90c9f6a-b1da-4eae-8063-1a3151ad0bb3">Re: Rehearsal dinner differences with in-laws- help!</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks for all the help. It is a semi-destination wedding for everyone and she wants to include all out-of-towners which would be everyone! Our wedding is only about 100 people but I should jsut appreciate her offer to throw a nice dinner for us!
Posted by dmulhaupt[/QUOTE]

I understand that you want a small dinner, but it is very polite to invite the out-of-town guests to the RD for a DW.  It's not required, but it's a nice gesture since everyone traveled to be there.  You might give that some thought a rethink what you've envisioned for your RD.   

If you still want to keep it small, then I agree with PP's.  

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

Their decision.

FWIW, my in-laws also hosted all OOT guests at the RD. Which is tradition in my H's family so his relatives would have been appalled if they weren't invited. There are probably larger issues at play, here.