F/U - Strip Club Vent

mari0225

No one here is telling what you should do, we are just saying what we would do in your shoes. And you said that couples counseling might be the future, and that's a good thing. I think more couples should go to a good couples counselor, maybe the divorce rate would be lower.

mari0225

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fu-strip-club-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:20e17c16-d3fd-43d5-a05d-4c02fed2e8c0Post:42af42aa-362a-4140-aa23-95fd2da69a5e">Re: F/U - Strip Club Vent</a>:
[QUOTE]FWIW, OP, Sam and I have been together for over 2years but have known each other for 8.  I would totally know if he was lying.  So I do believe that you know your FI's tells for if he is lying about something or not.  Because I certainly know Sam's.  
Posted by crfb87[/QUOTE]

Same with Wesley and I.

kalpi108

I hear you, Rach. If something like this happened with my FI, it would be so incredibly out of character, I'd first have to deal with my world being flipped completely upside down before I could start helping him solve the problem. I love my FI more than anything in the world and I can't imagine not being with him, hence why I'm marrying him, but I'm just being honest that this would be a HUGE problem for me and one that would make me have to question the future of the relationship and certainly make me do some thinking before getting married.

OP, what you decide to do with the situation is your business but it's hardly presumptuous for people to share their thoughts and opinions on how they'd feel or what they'd do when you share all of the gory details with us and say advice welcome. If you post a lot on this board, then you know you don't get to pick and choose what you get responses on; do I hope things work out for you and your FI? Sure, it wouldn't make me happy for your relationship to end. I'm just saying that were I to be in your shoes, I'd be thinking about the future of my relationship as well as figuring out how to fix the financial aspect. 

KatWAG

OP, is this strip club in chicago? if so which one? please let me know so I can warn Fi for his bachelor party. This sounds like such a nightmare.

mari0225

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fu-strip-club-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:20e17c16-d3fd-43d5-a05d-4c02fed2e8c0Post:eeae6581-17e6-4bf8-ac53-419baf6cb84b">Re: F/U - Strip Club Vent</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: F/U - Strip Club Vent : Yep. I'm also insanely curious who the AE is. FWIW, if I were in this exact situation, reversed (as in, I'm the one who fudged up), I would really hope my FI wouldn't just up and leave me. Granted, if I were doing everything in my power to address the issues and owning up to it, y'know?
Posted by rachers1017[/QUOTE]

What does AE mean?

And yeah I would hope that FI wouldn't just leave me, but I know he would recommend couples counseling. He loves me but our finances being what they are we don't have that much money in savings, so it would cause extreme strain on us.

Birdie1483

AE = Alternate Ego aka a fake screenname to cover up their identity

kinsey0628

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fu-strip-club-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:20e17c16-d3fd-43d5-a05d-4c02fed2e8c0Post:428af2e2-f07a-4e9e-b20a-c7c8c7711504">Re: F/U - Strip Club Vent</a>:
[QUOTE]but frankly, what could possibly be said to you in this situation that would actually be something you'd "want" to hear?
Posted by RamonaFlowers[/QUOTE]


Well honestly, I think she "wants" to hear that her FI is still the good man she has always known and love, to hear some sympathy on the sucky situation and reassurances that it will all be okay.

annakb8

I don't understand why everyone is giving Amy shiit about saying she'd call the club herself. I know my H is a big boy and he usually takes care of his own business, I don't try to baby sit or infantize him, but for 9700 fucking dollars on our JOINT credit card those policies might go out the window. I would do whatever it took to get anythig I could back. 

Now if the people at the club don't want to talk to her that's a different story. But I would try. I would try anything just about I think. 

AmethystMSU

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fu-strip-club-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:20e17c16-d3fd-43d5-a05d-4c02fed2e8c0Post:de6d566e-662d-4ca0-a486-96db00d103ef">Re: F/U - Strip Club Vent</a>:
[QUOTE]OP, is this strip club in chicago? if so which one? please let me know so I can warn Fi for his bachelor party. This sounds like such a nightmare.
Posted by KatWAG[/QUOTE]
Doubt it. She probably used a fake zip code for the location. No sense in creating an AE if you're going to use the same location and give identifying details.

Your FI, as the guest of honor at his bach party, will most likely not be paying one red cent as his friends will probably treat him to lap dances, etc. Regardless, I would recommend he stay out of the VIP room. That's where OP's FI incurred the huge charges. You're not going to be out thousands of dollars if you stick to the main floor, throw ones at the strippers, and pay a few twenties for a lap dance.

mkrupar

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fu-strip-club-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:20e17c16-d3fd-43d5-a05d-4c02fed2e8c0Post:be849504-d475-4a1c-acac-d04eb708e1e4">Re: F/U - Strip Club Vent</a>:
[QUOTE]Look, I don't know or even particularly care if you leave your FI or not over this.  You're an internet stranger and I know nothing about your relationship other than what you have typed here. I do know that he made a lot of bad decisions.  I also know you are excusing them - saying he was pressured to sign the bill by the club, the strippers, and his friends.  Under that same pressure, he left without an itemization.  Both of those actions, to me, are completely inexcusable.  Your FI is (presumably, since he was in a strip club) an adult.  An adult who signed a credit card bill he didn't know anything about.  And only he is ultimately responsible for that, not anyone who "pressured" him.  This is NOT the fault of anyone who pressured him.  This is your FI's fault.  It's your repeated excuses for your FI that make me think you really don't understand what is happening here.
Posted by Meg1036[/QUOTE]

I'm just catching up on this and I agree 100%. No one handcuffed him to a pole to make him sign. Nothing prevented him from walking out of that club without signing that slip, without demanding an itemized bill. He's an adult, knew he f'd up, and he should have fixed it then and there. His friends could have left while he disputed the charges if they were so embarrased by the amount of money. Why they were embarrased, I don't know, it wasn't their card being charged the money. They could have ponied up the money right then and there to help clear some of it off your card, but they didn't. That CC bill cannot be closed out until a signature is received. They could have split it at that point, but didn't. Some friends.

I don't know what you'll do, and don't care how many excuses you make for your FI. If I were in your shoes I'd be doing some serious evaluating of the relationship. You say you know he's not lying. Well you probably never imagined he'd go and do something like this. It's all kind of new territory now isn't it?

eorea

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fu-strip-club-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:20e17c16-d3fd-43d5-a05d-4c02fed2e8c0Post:ef1feff7-ce77-417a-869a-98ee6df2bb7a">Re: F/U - Strip Club Vent</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: F/U - Strip Club Vent : This is where I am Rach.  After 5 years together this is completely out of character, FI hasn't eaten in days he's so sick about it, and he's an AWFUL liar, so as ridiculous as it seems, there's no way he could have made this up (I mean, it would have been so much easier to tell me the manager said "sorry bud, you're SOL" instead it's drug out through three phone calls. why would he make THAT up?)<strong> I think it's pretty ridiculous that some of you are saying you'd walk away.  I don't honestly believe that any of you would just up and leave. </strong> FTR, this is what I got out of FI last night: They went into the club and were ushered straight to the back; he wanted his friend to enjoy his b-party, so he decided he'd buy 30 minutes and gave his card.  He feels like an idiot for not asking about cost upfront; it was totally out of character for him to be so frivolous.  He wasn't watching the clock; at the hour mark he finally thought to ask about the cost and was told it was $600/hr/girl.  He felt a sinking feeling in his stomach and thought he was gonna be sick, he stood up and said "okay that's enough, we're done"  The girl pressed him back into the chair and said "oh honey, you're already into your second hour, might as well enjoy it".  The thought of a $3600 bill overwhelmed him and he just sat there in shock (I know this sounds ridiculous, but I can totally see it.  H wouldn't spend $300 without thinking about it for a month; so this would have just left him totally dumbfounded).  By the end of the second hour he'd finally managed to round up the other members of his party and pulled them out.  He was then presented with the bill, which he expected to be $3600 (still asinine; and we would have had words over that as well).  It was the aforementioned $9700.  He argued, he insisted it was wrong, he told the CC company that it wasn't right and he was disputing it, he asked for an itemization and was denied, he was surrounded by people pressuring him to sign it, his friends were begging him to just sign so they could leave because they were mortified at the total cost and just wanted out of there.  It was a lack in judgement, it was stupid, he knows that.  All of you saying he should have known to leave it at cash only - why would he know that?  I wouldn't have known that.  He'd never been to a strip club, and we don't make a habit of watching movies about strip clubs.  If we walk into a bar we don't hesitate to open up a tab when we buy our first drink, why should he know that a strip club would be different and would milk you for every penny in your bank account? I appreciate your opinions and your advice, but you don't know my FI, you don't know our financial situation, <strong>and telling me to leave him is really presumptuous</strong>
Posted by tulsagirl24[/QUOTE]

<div>I think most of us were just saying what we would do if we were in that situation. You seem a little defensive right now and I understand but no one is telling you to leave your FI. I probably wouldn't leave my H right away if this happened but this would be something that could potentially end our relationship. It would be hard for me to move on from this. That is just me though. </div><div>
</div><div>I really hope it works out for you, I really do. No matter what you decide to do.  </div><div>
</div><div>ETA: Also, everything Meg said. I'm slow and she said everything perfectly. </div>

mari0225

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fu-strip-club-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:20e17c16-d3fd-43d5-a05d-4c02fed2e8c0Post:f4cca4c0-7415-44e9-aa24-a28c86c9634e">Re: F/U - Strip Club Vent</a>:
[QUOTE]AE = Alternate Ego aka a fake screenname to cover up their identity
Posted by Birdie1483[/QUOTE]

Gotcha!

Birdie1483

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fu-strip-club-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:20e17c16-d3fd-43d5-a05d-4c02fed2e8c0Post:715bcf3c-d6de-4fdc-97a4-9ee7ee8733bb">Re: F/U - Strip Club Vent</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: F/U - Strip Club Vent : Doubt it. She probably used a fake zip code for the location. No sense in creating an AE if you're going to use the same location and give identifying details. Your FI, as the guest of honor at his bach party, will most likely not be paying one red cent as his friends will probably treat him to lap dances, etc. Regardless, I would recommend he stay out of the VIP room. That's where OP's FI incurred the huge charges. You're not going to be out thousands of dollars if you stick to the main floor, throw ones at the strippers, and pay a few twenties for a lap dance.
Posted by AmethystMSU[/QUOTE]

Thank you Captain Obvious

tulsagirl24

Amy - YGPM back

mari0225

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fu-strip-club-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:20e17c16-d3fd-43d5-a05d-4c02fed2e8c0Post:60563e92-f501-4e1f-b372-a0a94fc7f18b">Re: F/U - Strip Club Vent</a>:
[QUOTE]I honestly don't know what I would do if I were in OP's or OP's FI's situation.  I'm really bad at answering how I would respond to hypothetical situations. I know I would be pissed, that is a big eff up to make with an account that has my name attached to it.  I know that trust issues - concerning money - would arise; couple's counsling and time to earn back trust would be a must.  I really doubt I would just up and leave; clearly I care about and love this person so leaving would be really hard.  Cheating or abuse are the only things for which I think I would leave immediately. Leaving would become a viable option if the trust issues weren't being resolved.
Posted by crfb87[/QUOTE]

All of this is what I was trying to say.

kinsey0628

So the AE must be someone who is NOT posting in this thread, right??  And someone who isn't yet married... UNLESS she IS posting advice here under her regular identity to throw us off... sneaky.

Honestly too, I do get why you made an AE to an extent, but even THAT is kind of telling.... almost like another excuse kinda, KWIM?

Birdie1483

kinsey, people make AEs about all kinds of stuff. I wouldn't read too much in to it

ahhhitsshannyn

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fu-strip-club-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:20e17c16-d3fd-43d5-a05d-4c02fed2e8c0Post:79be06db-bd49-412c-9f6b-8af4eb9b9596">Re: F/U - Strip Club Vent</a>:
[QUOTE]So the AE must be someone who is NOT posting in this thread, right??  And someone who isn't yet married... UNLESS she IS posting advice here under her regular identity to throw us off... sneaky. Honestly too, I do get why you made an AE to an extent, but even THAT is kind of telling.... almost like another excuse kinda, KWIM?
Posted by kinsey0628[/QUOTE]

Wow detective, you are on to something.

If I was in this situation I would make an AE too- I would be way too embarrassed to put these kind of details out there for the world to see.

kalpi108

Ha, I just guffawed, thanks Birdie.

I agree that she doesn't want the judgment for when she's just posting regularly about loving her FI/being excited for the wedding/happy to be married to him etc. 

kinsey0628

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fu-strip-club-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:20e17c16-d3fd-43d5-a05d-4c02fed2e8c0Post:ef1feff7-ce77-417a-869a-98ee6df2bb7a">Re: F/U - Strip Club Vent</a>:
[QUOTE] If we walk into a bar we don't hesitate to open up a tab when we buy our first drink, why should he know that a strip club would be different and would milk you for every penny in your bank account? Posted by tulsagirl24[/QUOTE]


That sounds INCREDIBLY naive to me.  Why do you think ppl talk about stripping their way through college, 900 numbers, etc.  Personally, I think it's obvious/well known that the sex industry is EXPENSIVE.

eorea

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fu-strip-club-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:20e17c16-d3fd-43d5-a05d-4c02fed2e8c0Post:0f702dcf-dc8d-49db-aac5-2cfaf354242a">Re: F/U - Strip Club Vent</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: F/U - Strip Club Vent : Wow detective, you are on to something. If I was in this situation I would make an AE too- I would be way too embarrassed to put these kind of details out there for the world to see.
Posted by ahhhitsshannyn[/QUOTE]

<div>Exactly. I understand why she made an AE. </div>

mari0225

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fu-strip-club-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:20e17c16-d3fd-43d5-a05d-4c02fed2e8c0Post:0f702dcf-dc8d-49db-aac5-2cfaf354242a">Re: F/U - Strip Club Vent</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: F/U - Strip Club Vent : Wow detective, you are on to something. If I was in this situation I would make an AE too- I would be way too embarrassed to put these kind of details out there for the world to see.
Posted by ahhhitsshannyn[/QUOTE]

Yeah same here.

tulsagirl24

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fu-strip-club-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:20e17c16-d3fd-43d5-a05d-4c02fed2e8c0Post:0f702dcf-dc8d-49db-aac5-2cfaf354242a">Re: F/U - Strip Club Vent</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: F/U - Strip Club Vent : Wow detective, you are on to something. If I was in this situation I would make an AE too- <strong>I would be way too embarrassed to put these kind of details out there for the world to see</strong>.
Posted by ahhhitsshannyn[/QUOTE]

Pretty much this.  Im not willing to tell my family about this; I certainly don't want someone I know IRL to stumble upon this.

LDYGTR13

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fu-strip-club-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:20e17c16-d3fd-43d5-a05d-4c02fed2e8c0Post:79be06db-bd49-412c-9f6b-8af4eb9b9596">Re: F/U - Strip Club Vent</a>:
[QUOTE]So the AE must be someone who is NOT posting in this thread, right??  And someone who isn't yet married... UNLESS she IS posting advice here under her regular identity to throw us off... sneaky. Honestly too, I do get why you made an AE to an extent, but even THAT is kind of telling.... almost like another excuse kinda, KWIM?
Posted by kinsey0628[/QUOTE]

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kalpi108

Man I loved Inspector Gadget so hard when I was a kid. Although Penny could be a real idiot sometimes.

I just surprised myself that her name came to me so quickly.

AmethystMSU

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fu-strip-club-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:20e17c16-d3fd-43d5-a05d-4c02fed2e8c0Post:06aed2ea-2fbd-43dc-b243-b087eb6202b9">Re: F/U - Strip Club Vent</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: F/U - Strip Club Vent : Thank you Captain Obvious
Posted by Birdie1483[/QUOTE]
KatWAG asked a question; the same question she asked in the post from yesterday and no one answered it then. So I answered it today to help calm her fears, since she's obviously nervous about it. I agree what I posted is obvious to most people, but it wasn't obvious to OP's FI and it doesn't appear to be obvious to KatWAG.

LDYGTR13

YEAH, BIRD. KatWAG didn't know!

mari0225

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fu-strip-club-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:20e17c16-d3fd-43d5-a05d-4c02fed2e8c0Post:d1d579c7-0cd0-4d48-9700-7752aa93c5c3">Re: F/U - Strip Club Vent</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: F/U - Strip Club Vent : Pretty much this.  Im not willing to tell my family about this; I certainly don't want someone I know IRL to stumble upon this.
Posted by tulsagirl24[/QUOTE]

I don't think I would have wanted to tell my family either, it would open a bigger can of worms that no one needs right now.

annakb8

I think I'd keep the wedding on just so I didn't have to tell people my FI spent 10k on stippers. Or I'd have a oops pregnancy really quick, use the wedding fund to pay the stripper bill, and elope "for the baby."

I mean I wouldn't really do any of that. But it would cross my mind. 

kinsey0628

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fu-strip-club-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:20e17c16-d3fd-43d5-a05d-4c02fed2e8c0Post:65eb5c4a-bd57-40f3-8655-bb69c5e1611a">Re: F/U - Strip Club Vent</a>:
[QUOTE]Ha, I just guffawed, thanks Birdie. I agree that she doesn't want the judgment for when she's just posting regularly about loving her FI/being excited for the wedding/happy to be married to him etc. 
Posted by kalpi108[/QUOTE]


Yeah, but that's what I'm saying... when you start hiding sh!t about your relationship, I dunno, I take that as a bad sign.  On the other hand, I do get there's a difference between normal private stuff and secretive shameful stuff.