This situation is just confusing...

damaless

There is a bit of backstory here.  It's long.  If you don't feel like reading it, that's fine, I understand.

So, when it came to inviting my mom's side of the family, she gave me a list of everyone including addresses, so I formed the invitations based on that.  I messed up and overlooked sending a separate invitation to one of my 18+ relatives (say, Jane) who lives with her parents.  As it turns out, she has a long term boyfriend who my mom did not include on her list either and I missed inviting him.  Yes, my own fault, my own accidental rudeness.  My mom called me to tell me that that particular family would indeed be coming to the wedding.  I asked if she knew if it had been mentioned whether any of the girls would be bringing a date, and she said that they were going as a family, without any dates.

A few days later, Jane messaged me asking if her boyfriend was welcome to come.  I apologized for my rudeness in not making it clear on the invitations, and said that I had no problem with him coming.  She told me that my mom had said to her mom that it was just a close friends and family thing and that her boyfriend wasn't invited.  I hadn't said anything like that to my mom, so it seemed like there might have been some kind of miscommunication.  Since there seemed to be some confusion about it, I texted my mom saying that I had told my relative that she could bring her boyfriend.  My mom responds saying that Jane's mom didn't want the boyfriend to come, because of some issue with the sleeping arrangements.  

So what, Jane's mom has some issue with the boyfriend coming, but told Jane he couldn't come because I didn't want him there?  Jane is an adult even though she lives with her parents, and has been with this boyfriend for about three years.  They've vacationed together for a few months at a time, I'm not sure why the sleeping arrangements are an issue now when they weren't an issue then.  They both would be paying their own way to get to the wedding (they are OOT guests) and paying for their own accommodations.  Personally, I don't really think Jane needs to ask her mom's permission for her boyfriend to come to my wedding.

Anyway, I told my mom I wouldn't let myself be used as the excuse to not allow this guy to come, since I had no problem with him coming, personally.  I tend to err on the side of communicating too much rather than hiding too much from people, so I just straight up told Jane that while I had no issue with her boyfriend coming, my mom was indicating that Jane's mom might have some issue, and while that personally I didn't think she needed her mom's permission to bring her boyfriend, I was just going to let them work it out amongst themselves.

This situation has pretty much been dealt with from my end and I am not getting further involved, but I am curious about what you guys would have done when confronted with the same situation.

tenofcups4me

I think you handled it perfectly. It was naive (or just plain stupid) for Jane's mom to lie about something like that when the odds were good she was going to get outed, just like she did.

emilykathleen511

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_this-situation-just-confusing?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:2101b346-74a8-4d18-baff-356e07d86935Post:3ab49a4e-d798-4e92-96ab-e773d32ade96">This situation is just confusing...</a>:
[QUOTE]There is a bit of backstory here.  It's long.  If you don't feel like reading it, that's fine, I understand. So, when it came to inviting my mom's side of the family, she gave me a list of everyone including addresses, so I formed the invitations based on that.  I messed up and overlooked sending a separate invitation to one of my 18+ relatives (say, Jane) who lives with her parents.  As it turns out, she has a long term boyfriend who my mom did not include on her list either and I missed inviting him.  Yes, my own fault, my own accidental rudeness.  My mom called me to tell me that that particular family would indeed be coming to the wedding.  I asked if she knew if it had been mentioned whether any of the girls would be bringing a date, and she said that they were going as a family, without any dates. A few days later, Jane messaged me asking if her boyfriend was welcome to come.  I apologized for my rudeness in not making it clear on the invitations, and said that I had no problem with him coming.  She told me that my mom had said to her mom that it was just a close friends and family thing and that her boyfriend wasn't invited.  I hadn't said anything like that to my mom, so it seemed like there might have been some kind of miscommunication.  Since there seemed to be some confusion about it, I texted my mom saying that I had told my relative that she could bring her boyfriend.  My mom responds saying that Jane's mom didn't want the boyfriend to come, because of some issue with the sleeping arrangements.   So what, Jane's mom has some issue with the boyfriend coming, but told Jane he couldn't come because I didn't want him there?  Jane is an adult even though she lives with her parents, and has been with this boyfriend for about three years.  They've vacationed together for a few months at a time, I'm not sure why the sleeping arrangements are an issue now when they weren't an issue then.  They both would be paying their own way to get to the wedding (they are OOT guests) and paying for their own accommodations.  Personally, I don't really think Jane needs to ask her mom's permission for her boyfriend to come to my wedding. Anyway, I told my mom I wouldn't let myself be used as the excuse to not allow this guy to come, since I had no problem with him coming, personally.  I tend to err on the side of communicating too much rather than hiding too much from people, so I just straight up told Jane that while I had no issue with her boyfriend coming, my mom was indicating that Jane's mom might have some issue, and while that personally I didn't think she needed her mom's permission to bring her boyfriend, I was just going to let them work it out amongst themselves. This situation has pretty much been dealt with from my end and I am not getting further involved, but I am curious about what you guys would have done when confronted with the same situation.
Posted by damaless[/QUOTE]

I think you handled it perfectly. That is probably what I would have said too.

Kristin&eric

I would have just told her there were communication problems and that she was allowed to bring her bf, i wouldnt have told her that her mom said anything, but that is just me. I say as little as possible in sticky situations

damaless

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_this-situation-just-confusing?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2101b346-74a8-4d18-baff-356e07d86935Post:547e67dd-b8a4-4e19-a3b2-cc93f8a20c98">Re: This situation is just confusing...</a>:
[QUOTE]I would have just told her there were communication problems and that she was allowed to bring her bf, i wouldnt have told her that her mom said anything, but that is just me. I say as little as possible in sticky situations
Posted by Kristin&eric[/QUOTE]

<div>I felt like Jane shouldn't be in the dark that her mom had some problem with it.  This way hopefully they will discuss things and get it resolved.</div>

mushE

Interesting.  I think you handled it very well! 

I don't like being used as the excuse for something either...like my sister/BM telling my niece/her daughter that 'the bride wants you to grow your hair long for the wedding' when in reality it's just my sister who wants it long.  Ah, well.   

Kristin&eric

yes that makes sense as well, Jane's mom should have had the guts to tell her daughter in the first place, which isnt your fault thats just how she handles things. I just usually say as little as possible. 

psichick

i wouldn't have called out her mom, but i also won't hold it against you that you did. 

SheDiva4

I think you handled it exactly how I would.  This is obviously something that Jane and her mom need to work out.   

opalsky007

I think you did fine, but I generally avoid casting blame for miscommunications as well. People make mistakes, and they'll often figure that out on their own--Jane would have probably just mentioned it to her mom, and then her mom would have had to either fess up, or stop being weird about the BF.

I had a similar situation with my own wedding, where MIL forgot to include her own sister on the guest list. She called up that sister to ask about her RSVP, and when the sister replied that she hadn't gotten an invite, I just said, "whoops, must have gotten lost in the mail!" instead of calling MIL out for the mistake. Sometimes you've just got to say "oops" and move on.

damaless

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_this-situation-just-confusing?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2101b346-74a8-4d18-baff-356e07d86935Post:17a42695-5370-4b4b-b664-24901d6acaa2">Re: This situation is just confusing...</a>:
[QUOTE]I think you did fine, but I generally avoid casting blame for miscommunications as well. People make mistakes, and they'll often figure that out on their own--Jane would have probably just mentioned it to her mom, and then her mom would have had to either fess up, or stop being weird about the BF. I had a similar situation with my own wedding, where MIL forgot to include her own sister on the guest list. She called up that sister to ask about her RSVP, and when the sister replied that she hadn't gotten an invite, I just said, "whoops, must have gotten lost in the mail!" instead of calling MIL out for the mistake. Sometimes you've just got to say "oops" and move on.
Posted by opalsky007[/QUOTE]

<div>Well, I did end up saying that it's possible that it was all a miscommunication and that maybe I had misunderstood what my mom said.  I just know that if I were in Jane's position I would appreciate if someone clued me in that there might be more going on than I'd originally thought.</div>

squirrly

I would have told Jane that her boyfriend is welcome to attend, and that it sounds like there was some mis-communication between your mother and her mother on the scope of wedding guests.  Reiterate that the boyfriend is welcome, and suggest that Jane touch base with her mom if she wants to know about the miscue, since you weren't part of that conversation.

I wouldn't have thrown my Aunt under the bus, as it sounds like she had a (albeit inappropriate) deal with your mom on how to get her way.  Aunt was being selfish, but she's still your Aunt, and she's still Jane's mom. 

While I don't think Aunt has the right to be difficult with you since she effectively lied and blamed things on you, I know in my family I'd be the one taking all the heat had I said what you did. 

damaless

Fair enough.  Let's hope there's little to no backlash, and that they work things out.

Simply Fated

I wouldn't have thrown the aunt under the bus either, but considering she was casting all the blame onto you, I don't feel too bad for her. She had to expect it would come back and bite her in the butt at some point.

Otherwise, I think you handled it absolutely fine.

damaless

Got a message from Jane - apparently the bf isn't coming after all.  Guess she lost the argument?