JP wedding in advance?

gower2be

So my parents are pushing for us to get legally married within the next few months because it will be easier to get money and because I need to be included on his benefits.
That might sound selfish but hes the one pushing that point. We are planning on a nice ceremoney in October of next year...
I'm torn. Do you think it would be a bad idea to get married in advance?

jess9802

Yes.

Robyn5298

My fiance and I discussed having a quickie legal marriage before our actual wedding because of health insurance issues.  In the end we felt that it would probably take away some of the magic at the larger ceremony and decided against it.  We felt like a month or two of COBRA payments weren't worth potentially altering the special feeling of our wedding day.

Everyone's situation is different though, and I wouldn't judge you if you felt it was best to go the other way.

nda_roxybabe

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_jp-wedding-advance?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:229011d8-f134-4b37-af4d-94a4131e5160Post:1689c261-8e36-42db-9089-0511d196106e">JP wedding in advance?</a>:
[QUOTE]So my parents are pushing for us to get legally married within the next few months because it will be easier to get money and because I need to be included on his benefits. That might sound selfish but hes the one pushing that point. We are planning on a nice ceremoney in October of next year... I'm torn. Do you think it would be a bad idea to get married in advance?
Posted by gower2be[/QUOTE]
Yes, I do.

The way I look at it, you get one wedding. If you get married now and do something next year it would be a "vow renewal". If you choose to do this, you need to make sure everyone understands you're already legally married and are just celebrating your marriage in a vow renewal next year.

Why not just wait though? I'm guessing you've gone some time without his benefits why do you suddenly need them now? I'd either wait or move the wedding up.

tenofcups4me

I'm really in the minority on this board, but I don't necessarily think it's a bad idea -- it really depends on what your exact circumstances are, how badly you need to be on the insurance, what your other options are, etc. People here will scream and stomp their feet that you can't possibly have a quiet wedding for financial reasons and then follow it up with the larger ceremony where you publically declare your commitment. In some cases, I see their point, but in others I think what you're describing makes sense. I certainly wouldn't jeopardize your health or financial wellbeing because of what some strangers on a message board say.

jess9802

My objection is that the "JP wedding now, white dress wedding later" plan distorts what a wedding is. A wedding is ultimately not a pretty princess day or an opportunity to get really cool and useful gifts and party down with 200 other people. At its very core, it is an occasion for two people to make a serious and public commitment to each other and to share that major life-event with the people who are nearest and dearest to them. Everything else, from the food, the music, the pretty white dress, is superfluous.

If you want to have an open house or an anniversary party in order to spend time with your friends and family after you're married, I think that would be fine. But don't pretend it's a wedding, because it's not. You've already made the commitment; you've already become husband and wife. And FWIW, my FI has floated the idea of getting married now in order to take advantage of a tax refund that could pay for the wedding. I told him no, for the reasons I've articulated here.

packlite

I say no. And I was in your shoes - my FI is in the miitary and was assigned to move to England a year ago.  We debated getting married back then and keeping our "wedding date" - even though we would already be married.  I think that's deceitful and I know people who have done it and actually hid it from their families and friends.

Instead, I was fortunate enough to have a job that transferred me to the UK so I did not neeed the military benefits b/c my job moved me here and sponsored my visa.  If I wasn't able to move a year ago, we would have lived apart and traveled to see each other - we would have made it work b/c getting married and celebrating with our family and friends is very important to us. 

Anyway, my advice is to wait OR move your wedding date closer and plan for sometning smaller that you can afford or do JOP.  Like others said JOP IS a wedding - you get married.

Mrs.B6302007

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_jp-wedding-advance?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:229011d8-f134-4b37-af4d-94a4131e5160Post:1689c261-8e36-42db-9089-0511d196106e">JP wedding in advance?</a>:
[QUOTE]So my parents are pushing for us to get legally married within the next few months because <strong>it will be easier to get money </strong>and because I need to be included on his benefits. That might sound selfish but hes the one pushing that point. We are planning on a nice ceremoney in October of next year... I'm torn. Do you think it would be a bad idea to get married in advance?
Posted by gower2be[/QUOTE]

I don't understand this statement.

quotequeen

If you don't tell people you are doing it, then it's lying and it's a horrible idea.

If you do tell people you are doing it, be prepared for them to be sad/less excited/less willing to go out of their way to attend.

squirrly

Why not try for a hybrid?  Plan a mid-sized wedding in half the time.  You'll be married sooner, and still have a wedding, rather than a vow renewal.

I really dislike the idea of the JOP now and ceremony later, for the most part.  I accept that in some situations, it is the only way to get married AND have a traditional wedding, but those are normally immigration issues.  The military can make things tough, too, but most people in the military can plan a traditional wedding if they choose to put in the work.  

Whatever you do, don't lie to your guests.  It's just wrong on so many levels.  If you'll already be married, invite them to a vow renewal, not a wedding.

loop0406

I don't see anything wrong with it. I agree that you shouldn't hide it from family and friends. If you want to do the renewal of vows (ceremony) again but before reception, that would look good too

LesPaul

Yes, it's a bad idea.  Your quickie legal marriage is your wedding - the ceremony at which you become married. 

LuluP82

I'm not against it, but just think about what you want. We did this a few months ago (for a myriad of reasons) and kept our religious ceremony for this November. Even our priest advised us to do it this way, so we did. But, we're not having any pre-wedding parties-- no showers, no bachelor/bachelorette, etc. Bc, like everyone else suggested, it's kind of silly. But having the religious ceremony is important to us, and having it in front of our families is also. So in our situation, it worked. And we called it the "blessing of our union" on the invites. Not our wedding.

However-- we are foreign, as are our families. And in our cultures it's completely normal to have a civil ceremony that no one attends, and then a big religious traditional wedding afterwards (a few days or weeks or even months after). So no one thinks it's weird. But if you're from a very traditional, American background, people might react the same way as the board does. And definitely don't hide anything!

emilyinchile

In my opinion, both Aplatanada and Lulu are giving you examples of how to appropriately manage this type of situation when there are extenuating circumstances like the fiance visa issue. Call a spade a spade - if you're already married, it's not your wedding.

I don't really think that healthcare (which is what I assume you mean by "benefits"?) is necessarily a reason to do what you're proposing though, and I have no idea what you mean by it being easier to get money. So my advice is not to do the JOP at all, but if you feel like you have to then at least be honest about your later reception being a vow renewal or blessing rather than a wedding. I also think that if you are mature enough to get married, you and your FI should be the ones deciding when and how you do it rather than making decisions about starting your married life together based on what your parents think.

gower2be

We might need to use loans to help pay for our house and some ceremony expences. Most banks and lenders around here won't give to young single people without a huge intrest and a lot of run around.

And as far as the health coverage. Yes I have been going without but I am thousands in debt now. I have a weak immune system that leaves me with pneumonia twice a year and a cartilage disorder that causes extreme pain. I cannot see a doctor and I cannot afford medication so when it comes to my pneumonia its potentially life threatening.

I agree its not a wedding and I really don't want to do it. My family is pushing for it and my FI is worried about me.so the reply to the HIDING IT FROM FAMILY AND FRIENDS COMMENT. We won't be hiding anything.

Thanks for the feedback I am going to use the points everyone gave me to explain to family why its not a good idea.

gower2be

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_jp-wedding-advance?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:229011d8-f134-4b37-af4d-94a4131e5160Post:2727289a-8e79-43da-a054-c570f53d2ae8">Re: JP wedding in advance?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: JP wedding in advance? : <strong>Honestly, using credit to pay for a wedding is a BAD idea</strong>, as is paying for a wedding when you already have debt. <strong>Why not make the JOP ceremony your only wedding and do a low cost lunch or dinner after that as your reception?</strong> I'm sorry about your problems, and it does sound like getting married sooner rather than later might help (although I don't know how the pre-existing condition stuff works with something like that), but I really don't think taking out a loan for wedding expenses is going to help your situation.
Posted by emilyinchile[/QUOTE]
Baw! I know I don't want to its always an option for "what if"
I don't just want to settle for JOP everyone in my family except my grandparents have done that. My mom is planning on helping a great deal with this wedding because she also wants a traditional wedding.
Well I am cutting out the JOP wedding I think it will do more harm than good