Engagement party FLAKE!

melmcb55

A close friend from college just told me she won't be coming to my engagement party and I'm a little bit miffed about it! 
I'm upset because I changed the original date for her. I happened to pick the same day as her graduation party and I wanted to make sure she and our mutual friends would be able to attend both. I didn't want to make our events feel like a competition and I didn't want to make our friends choose, so I simply moved my party to another weekend. And I really really really wanted her there! I'm also upset because I gave her PLENTY of notice so that she could mark it on her calendar and not make any alternative plans. She was one of the first to know the date. Granted the invites didn't go out until recently, but we had discussed the date many times before she received the actual invite, so she had plenty of fair warning. 
My fiance's mother is KILLING herself to throw this party for us and my friend couldn't even be bothered to RSVP to her, like the invitations indicate. She RSVPed to me via text message! I expressed my disappointment to her on her absence and the fact that I changed my date for her, and she replies with a one word text: "sorry." She then texted me some time later saying that she wasn't doing it to be mean (I never implied she was) it's just that she has somewhere to be and doesn't think she'll have time to do whatever she has to do and make it to my party. And yes, my party is a bit of a drive from where she lives, but I have friends coming from out of state for this thing! And besides, like I said, I changed my date for her AND gave her PLENTY of notice.
I'm sure whatever it is she has to do is "legit" and she's not just blowing me off, but this is a very important event for myself, my fiance, and both our families. My family lives on the opposite side of the country and this will be the first time my family will be meeting most of his family and most of our friends. My family has heard me talk about these people for years, and vice versa, and this will be the first time everyone will be in the same room together. Obviously I can't make her come, I just want her to understand that I'm very hurt. I feel like I tried to consider her and she doesn't seem like she even made the slightest attempt to consider me. 
So here's my question...how mad should I be at her? Should I just accept her apology and walk away or should I let her have it? Am I overreacting? Help!

number55

I mean this with all respect: your engagement party is not the highlight of the 'wedding journey'...I would be upset if my close friend couldn't make it to my wedding but other than that, meh. 

It sucks that you changed your E-party date for her but what is done is done. Two lessons to learn early on in the planning process: you are never going to make everyone happy and not all your invited guests are going to show up (this counts for e-party, showers, bachelorettes, and the wedding).  The unfortunately reality is that your wedding and all it entails is not as significant to others as it is to you. The sooner you get used to that idea, the easier the process will be.

HTH

laurenclaire1386

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_engagement-party-flake?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:22c9a23a-b255-44bd-87cf-49389c3e5dc0Post:42919da3-a7db-4362-8b12-df57b48a2420">Engagement party FLAKE!</a>:
[QUOTE]A close friend from college just told me she won't be coming to my engagement party and I'm a little bit miffed about it!  I'm upset because I changed the original date for her. I happened to pick the same day as her graduation party and I wanted to make sure she and our mutual friends would be able to attend both. I didn't want to make our events feel like a competition and I didn't want to make our friends choose, so I simply moved my party to another weekend. And I really really really wanted her there! I'm also upset because I gave her PLENTY of notice so that she could mark it on her calendar and not make any alternative plans. She was one of the first to know the date. Granted the invites didn't go out until recently, but we had discussed the date many times before she received the actual invite, so she had plenty of fair warning.  My fiance's mother is KILLING herself to throw this party for us and my friend couldn't even be bothered to RSVP to her, like the invitations indicate. She RSVPed to me via text message! I expressed my disappointment to her on her absence and the fact that I changed my date for her, and she replies with a one word text: "sorry." She then texted me some time later saying that she wasn't doing it to be mean (I never implied she was) it's just that she has somewhere to be and doesn't think she'll have time to do whatever she has to do and make it to my party. And yes, my party is a bit of a drive from where she lives, but I have friends coming from out of state for this thing! And besides, like I said, I changed my date for her AND gave her PLENTY of notice. I'm sure whatever it is she has to do is "legit" and she's not just blowing me off, but this is a very important event for myself, my fiance, and both our families. My family lives on the opposite side of the country and this will be the first time my family will be meeting most of his family and most of our friends. My family has heard me talk about these people for years, and vice versa, and this will be the first time everyone will be in the same room together. Obviously I can't make her come, I just want her to understand that I'm very hurt. I feel like I tried to consider her and she doesn't seem like she even made the slightest attempt to consider me.  So here's my question..<strong>.how mad should I be at her? Should I just accept her apology and walk away or should I let her have it? Am I overreacting? Help!</strong>
Posted by melmcb55[/QUOTE]
Yeah I think you're overreacting a bit. She apologized. And you said yourself that you think she has a perfect legit reason for not coming. Leave it at that and let it go. I get being disappointed and a little pissed that you changed the date for her and she's not coming, but continuing to harp on it won't do anyone any good.

lyndausvi

Really?  She is missing a party.  Big deal.   I get being disappointed, but people have lives and we can't always attended every event that comes our way.

As your life changes you will not be able to be everywhere also.  Would you like someone judging you on why you did not attend something like an e-party?

jessjo04

Everyone flaked on my engagement party!

Oh wait, I didn't have one.

brilibby4

An engagement party really isn't that big of a deal.  Many people don't even have them.  It sucks that she can't come but it sounds like she has something important to do that day.  I don't think you should be mad at her, but it is okay to be disappointed that she can't celebrate with you and you FI at your party.

LP11509

My MOH/best friend is missing my (only) bridal shower next weekend because she decided she would rather take a roadtrip to Wyoming at the last minute.  I was peeved for about 5 minutes, then politely told her to have fun and moved on.

Nobody will think your wedding is as important as you do.  This includes, but is not limited to, all pre-wedding parties.  Does it suck sometimes? Sure.  But it's not the end of the world, I promise. Put on your big girl panties and let it go.

katiepoppy

I really hope your FMIL isn't actually killing herself to make this party happen.

melmcb55

Allright, allright, I'm letting it go! 

I am overreacting, I can see that now. I wrote this literally two minutes after it happened, when I was still angry. I've calmed down now, hehe. I'm still upset she can't come, but whatever, her loss, not mine! It's going to be a great party and it sucks for her that she isn't coming! And yes, it is just an engagement party. I would be much more angry if this were the wedding. Better she flake out now than on the big day.

melmcb55

She's not. Well, not exactly. She's just VERY excited that her only son is getting married. We're her only hope at grand children. She's "waited years for this to happen," so she's really going all out with the party. And it'll be the first time our families are meeting and my family is WAY different from her family (suburban upper middle class WASPs vs Long Island foul mouthed Italians, hehe) and she's really trying to make a good impression. She got attacked by a dog a few weeks ago and was in the hospital for a week or so and it's really been a set back in her mind, so now she's working overtime to get the party to perfection, as much as myself and her son protest. 

pooh8402

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_engagement-party-flake?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:22c9a23a-b255-44bd-87cf-49389c3e5dc0Post:e5bde2fa-4f8e-4dc2-b58d-59863e36b199">Re: Engagement party FLAKE!</a>:
[QUOTE]Everyone flaked on my engagement party! Oh wait, I didn't have one.
Posted by jessjo04[/QUOTE]
dude, I was gonna say this. you stole my answer.

JennaV26

I didn't have an engagement party either, but I've been to plenty and they are not at all a big deal. Unless you're that girl who's friend came to her E party to brag about her own engagement and show off her ring. THEN I would be pissed. A friend missing the E Party? Not so much.

melissamc2

My own family couldn't make the engagement party.  We all lived.

quotequeen

An invitation is not a summons.  BTW, you really shouldn't ask anyone for an explanation for why they aren't attending your events.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_engagement-party-flake?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:22c9a23a-b255-44bd-87cf-49389c3e5dc0Post:114d8e40-a51e-408f-8576-7a2aa56cb1b4">Re: Engagement party FLAKE!</a>:
[QUOTE]Allright, allright, I'm letting it go!  I am overreacting, I can see that now. I wrote this literally two minutes after it happened, when I was still angry. I've calmed down now, hehe. I'm still upset she can't come, but whatever, her loss, not mine! It's going to be a great party and it sucks for her that she isn't coming! And yes, it is just an engagement party.<strong> I would be much more angry if this were the wedding. </strong>Better she flake out now than on the big day.
Posted by melmcb55[/QUOTE]

<div>Uh, yeah, you're going to have to let that go, too. People miss weddings for various reasons. They're important and all - I mean, it's a WEDDING - but yes, you'll have some people decline. Batten down the hatches!</div>

Krysti21

An engagement party is not a "very important event". It's just a party. Neither of our sets of parents had ever heard of one until went to one for a friend whose wedding I was in. They don't get the point, so obviously, nobody is throwing one for us. It's not even a remotely big deal to either of us. We have a wedding to plan, as you do. That's the very important event. But even so, remember that it's a lot more important to you than it is to anyone else.

Kristin789

The groom's parents host an engagement party to introduce the bride to the groom's extended family.  Also invited would be the BP and the bride's parents.  No where in that list is some friend from college.  I've never heard of random friends being invited to an exclusively-family event.  Let this go...

danieliza1127

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_engagement-party-flake?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:22c9a23a-b255-44bd-87cf-49389c3e5dc0Post:8b01b790-e6c4-4f8e-b748-7cb910b4965e">Re: Engagement party FLAKE!</a>:
[QUOTE]The groom's parents host an engagement party to introduce the bride to the groom's extended family.  Also invited would be the BP and the bride's parents.
Posted by Kristin789[/QUOTE]

That's along the lines of what I was thinking.  Engagement parties are for your families, it's not THAT big of a deal if friends aren't there.  It's totally fine to be disappointed and even a little hurt, but you already told her you were upset about it and she said she was sorry.  There's really nothing else you can or should do. 

robinmichael

Oh grow up. You said that you changed the date to accomodate mutual friends as well, so don't act like you did it just for her. And be glad she sent her regrets at all and just didn't show up. I know, I know, but it's "YOUR DAY!!!!" It's one day, not a year, not a week, and no one cares as much as you do.

goheels05

Reaming people for not coming to your party is generally a good way to encourage them to want to hang out with you at future events. 

LD1970

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_engagement-party-flake?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:22c9a23a-b255-44bd-87cf-49389c3e5dc0Post:42919da3-a7db-4362-8b12-df57b48a2420">Engagement party FLAKE!</a>:
[QUOTE]A close friend from college just told me she won't be coming to my engagement party and I'm a little bit miffed about it!  I'm upset because I changed the original date for her. I happened to pick the same day as her graduation party and I wanted to make sure she and our mutual friends would be able to attend both. I didn't want to make our events feel like a competition and I didn't want to make our friends choose, so I simply moved my party to another weekend. And I really really really wanted her there! I'm also upset because I gave her PLENTY of notice so that she could mark it on her calendar and not make any alternative plans. She was one of the first to know the date. Granted the invites didn't go out until recently, but we had discussed the date many times before she received the actual invite, so she had plenty of fair warning.  My fiance's mother is KILLING herself to throw this party for us and my friend couldn't even be bothered to RSVP to her, like the invitations indicate. She RSVPed to me via text message! I expressed my disappointment to her on her absence and the fact that I changed my date for her, and she replies with a one word text: "sorry." She then texted me some time later saying that she wasn't doing it to be mean (I never implied she was) it's just that she has somewhere to be and doesn't think she'll have time to do whatever she has to do and make it to my party. And yes, my party is a bit of a drive from where she lives, but I have friends coming from out of state for this thing! And besides, like I said, I changed my date for her AND gave her PLENTY of notice. I'm sure whatever it is she has to do is "legit" and she's not just blowing me off, but this is a very important event for myself, my fiance, and both our families. My family lives on the opposite side of the country and this will be the first time my family will be meeting most of his family and most of our friends. My family has heard me talk about these people for years, and vice versa, and this will be the first time everyone will be in the same room together. Obviously I can't make her come, I just want her to understand that I'm very hurt. I feel like I tried to consider her and she doesn't seem like she even made the slightest attempt to consider me.  So here's my question...how mad should I be at her? Should I just accept her apology and walk away or should I let her have it? Am I overreacting? Help!
Posted by melmcb55[/QUOTE]
Accept the apology & get over it.  Yes, you're overreacting.  You'll have a great party, it'll be a blast, and hopefully this friend can make it to the WEDDING, which is the truly important event.<div>
</div><div>Besides, you didn't just change the date for HER, you also changed it for mutual friends, and the change still does have that effect, that the mutual friends don't have to choose between your events.  So be happy with that.</div><div>
</div><div>It sucks she can't come, but breathe.  In the end, it won't matter.</div>

Kristin&eric

I can understand how it may husrt for a little bit. like you said she probably has a good reason. Just breathe and everything will be fine