Comforting someone with a missing family member

tpender13

A friend's parents were involved in an accident while on vacation and are missing. I guess he's more of an acquaintance -- he's my H's assistant at work.  When I found out last night, I sent him a Facebook message letting him know that I was thinking about him and praying for his family. My heart is breaking for their family, especially since these people aren't quite elderly but are older and have had health issues, and they've been saving up for this vacation for quite some time. Since I don't know them all that well, I don't know what (if anything) else I can really do.

Has anyone been on the other side of this situation before? Is there anything helpful that someone who isn't super close can even do?

Simply Fated

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_comforting-someone-missing-family-member?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:22d33360-81fc-414d-b358-b0d4ca1c0b30Post:f5a94cbb-b7b6-4c4a-af92-0fb16c750dd6">Comforting someone with a missing family member</a>:
[QUOTE] Has anyone been on the other side of this situation before? Is there anything helpful that someone who isn't super close can even do?
Posted by tpender13[/QUOTE]
Nope, I was only ever on your side (9/11).

I don't think there is much more you can do except what you did. Maybe you could give a phone call or something more personal than a fb post?

J&K10910

Dude, were they on the cruise ship that ran aground?  How awful.

I also doubt there's much you can do.  Perhaps bringing some food, like Edie suggested, but make sure it's something that will freeze well.  He may not feel up to eating much.  Just letting him know you guys are there for him is helpful on its own for many people.

HockeyFan4

I think the food suggestion was a good one...but I think your H should be the one offering.  H could also offer to cover for his work, as I am assuming he will need time off.

tpender13

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_comforting-someone-missing-family-member?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:22d33360-81fc-414d-b358-b0d4ca1c0b30Post:ceb16be7-6f99-4d69-a2bf-fb89cee667e1">Re: Comforting someone with a missing family member</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Comforting someone with a missing family member : Maybe you could give a phone call or something more personal than a fb post?
Posted by Simply Fated[/QUOTE]

I didn't have the guy's phone number; that's why I sent him a (private) Facebook message. I suppose a phone number would be easy to get, though.

tpender13

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_comforting-someone-missing-family-member?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:22d33360-81fc-414d-b358-b0d4ca1c0b30Post:3a565fa0-0299-4e9d-bd9e-eb68ed2e043a">Re: Comforting someone with a missing family member</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>Dude, were they on the cruise ship that ran aground?</strong>  How awful. I also doubt there's much you can do.  Perhaps bringing some food, like Edie suggested, but make sure it's something that will freeze well.  He may not feel up to eating much.  Just letting him know you guys are there for him is helpful on its own for many people.
Posted by J&K10910[/QUOTE]

Yup.

I like the food idea, too. I already have a homemade lasagna in the freezer; maybe I can cook a roast or something that I can split into portions...

jessicabessica

If he's your H's assistant, I think the best way you could help him is to make sure your H makes clear to him that he won't be penalized at all at work for putting his family first and doing whatever he needs to do.  Making food could be nice, if you know about any dietary restrictions.  

A coworker's family member went missing at my last job.  We ended up bringing food and water to the search and rescue team (it was local), which my coworker and her family appreciated, since they were so grateful for the teams that were looking.  If the search isn't local, you could send a donation to the relevant org that is doing the searching.  

tpender13

I guess the part that I feel awkward about is the fact that they're missing. Knowing the circumstances and thinking logically, it doesn't seem all that likely that they'll be found alive. Obviously I would never say that to them, but I can't really say that I'm sorry for their loss, KWIM?

When there was that bridge collapse in MN awhile back, a coworker lost her mom and brother. But it was several days before they were found and ID'd. In those first days, I had no idea what to do but text her for updates. After, it was almost easier -- attending the funeral, working my ass off at the benefit held for her at the place we worked at.

Simply Fated

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_comforting-someone-missing-family-member?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:22d33360-81fc-414d-b358-b0d4ca1c0b30Post:b84ecf84-88f6-4dc4-a26f-f905d8e4bdcc">Re: Comforting someone with a missing family member</a>:
[QUOTE]I guess the part that I feel awkward about is the fact that they're missing. Knowing the circumstances and thinking logically, it doesn't seem all that likely that they'll be found alive. Obviously I would never say that to them, but I can't really say that I'm sorry for their loss, KWIM? When there was that bridge collapse in MN awhile back, a coworker lost her mom and brother. But it was several days before they were found and ID'd. In those first days, I had no idea what to do but text her for updates. After, it was almost easier -- attending the funeral, working my ass off at the benefit held for her at the place we worked at.
Posted by tpender13[/QUOTE]
Yeah, there is definitely that awkward limbo time period.... with all that uncertainty it's hard to figure out what to say.


I'd definitely send over some food. Hopefully they're found, regardless of their condition.

mkrupar

I read about that couple. The whole thing is a tragedy.

I'll ditto PPs about the food, but also make sure he has everything he needs professionally. If he has to take time off now to be with the family,  and then take time off for, heaven forbid, funerals, make sure your H makes it clear (if possible) that he won't be penalized for taking all that time off.

kmmssg

Along with making some meals you could also have him over for dinner if it isn't against any work rules with your H's employer.  Sometimes just having some company and being out of your own place can really help.

HeatherMKR

I agree about making some food or having him over for dinner. When you're going through any type of stressful situation (death, missing, etc.), the last thing you want to do is cook. 

Prayers and thoughts