Wedding Etiquette Forum

My boyfriend won't allow my only sibling to be part of our wedding party

Dear All,
   My boyfriend and I were discussing marriage. We are planning to get engaged and were discussing what we would like. Well, needless to say to my shock when I suggested that I would like to have my brother as part of our bridal party. ( I only have one sibling) 

Much to my shock , he said absolutely not!
It isn't the case where they don't like each other or don't get along in fact quite the opposite.  He feels that to be selected as groomsmen is an honour and should only be the closet and most important folks to him and he just doesn't feel close to my brother. 
Needless, to say there was nuclear fallout! 

He has both a sister and a brother and I would have no problem including them if that's what he wanted but I was basically told that he would rather not get married at all  than made to feel awkward on his wedding day by asking someone to be a groomsman that he wouldn't want
He claims that the selection of bridesmaids is up to the bride and the selection of groomsmen is of to the men!

 What do I do? He said we can include my brother by asking him to read a prayer of the faithful, but that's not what I want.  It certainly wouldn't be the same. 
I don't foresee myself ever getting married and excluding my brother I would rather have a small get together with  no guests and no bridesmaids and groomsmen if I can't have those closest to me included. 

Anyone have any insight as to how we might resolve this.  At the moment I am still floored at his reaction and emphatic NO. 
All opinions welcome.
 Thanks.


 



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Re: My boyfriend won't allow my only sibling to be part of our wedding party

  • Well he is right that he does get to pick the GM and you get to pick the BMs, and his reasons for picking GMs are also spot on.   BUT, his stance does seem to a bit over the top.

    You could always have your brother stand on your side.  Mixed sides are bcoming more common.
    Warning No formatter is installed for the format bbhtml
  • Well... first you get engaged before worrying about this.

    Second, there's no law that says you can't put your brother on your side.  Mixed gender wedding parties are becoming more and more popular.

    You boyfriend is correct in that he should get to pick his nearest and dearest for his side.  You can do the same.  And, one of them is allowed to be male.
  • Have your brother stand up on your side, just because he's a guy doesn't mean he has to be a groosmen. If he's important to you and you want him there, put him on your side. Your FI is right, it's his choice who his groomsmen, or groomswomen for that matter, are.

  • Why not have him stand up on YOUR side?  That sounds like a nice compromise. 

    Although I'd take his stance as a warning sign of problems to come.  It's pretty stubborn for him to exclude your only brother because he "doesn't make the cut," especially when it's this important to you.  He's going to be his brother too, after all.  He REALLY needs to learn to pick his battles.
  • While I agree that he does get to choose who stands up for him, I think he should be accommodating to your wants.  It's clearly important to you, and I would think that would make it important to him.

    But, that's just an opinion and not a suggestion. My suggestion is the same as the other girls: have your brother on your side. 
    This knottie's been ransacked, suckas!
  • Have your bro on your side. Problem solved.
    Just as you get to pick your own party, so does he.
  • I had the same conversation and my response was the same as yours! 

    I was very insulted that he would not consider my brother at all.  He has no sisters, but does have a close cousin his family helped raise after her mother died.  She was one of the first people I asked to be on my BP because I knew they were close!

    But, after getting angry, I realized that it was his decision, (though I still disagree with it and wish he would have included my bro).  I am going to ask him to usher or something.  Or to stand on my side.
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  • BeeBee22BeeBee22 member
    100 Comments
    edited July 2010
    You can put your brother on your side - it's not uncommon nowadays to have mixed gender bridal parties.  He can be in a suit, or in a tux (if you're doing that) with a vest or tie that goes with your bridesmaids (if you have them). Whatever.  He can be your Man of Honor, even.

    The bigger problem is that if your boyfriend is throwing around "I'd rather not get married than..." he may be a brat or a controller, or it may just be too early or you two to be thinking about marriage.

    He is correct, though, that you don't get to choose groomsmen. As the other ladies said, the groom chooses his side and the bride chooses hers.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_boyfriend-wont-allow-only-sibling-part-of-wedding-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:23cf960a-7baf-4e3d-bb8b-762b39c69719Post:71f998ec-2090-430f-8978-61f659c75345">My boyfriend won't allow my only sibling to be part of our wedding party</a>:
    [QUOTE]Dear All,    My boyfriend and I were discussing marriage. We are planning to get engaged and were discussing what we would like. Well, needless to say to my shock when I suggested that I would like to have my brother as part of our bridal party. ( I only have one sibling)  Much to my shock , he said absolutely  not ! It isn't the case where they don't like each other or don't get along in fact quite the opposite.  He feels that to be selected as groomsmen is an honour and should only be the closet and most important folks to him and he just doesn't feel close to my brother.  Needless, to say there was nuclear fallout!  He has both a sister and a brother and I would have no problem including them if that's what he wanted but I was basically told that he would rather not get married at all  than made to feel awkward on his wedding day by asking someone to be a groomsman that he wouldn't want He claims that the selection of bridesmaids is up to the bride and the selection of groomsmen is of to the men!  What do I do? He said we can include my brother by asking him to read a prayer of the faithful, but that's not what I want.  It certainly wouldn't be the same.  I don't foresee myself ever getting married and excluding my brother I would rather have a small get together with  no guests and no bridesmaids and groomsmen if I can't have those closest to me included.  Anyone have any insight as to how we might resolve this.  At the moment I am still floored at his reaction and emphatic NO.  All opinions welcome.  Thanks,  Susana   
    Posted by stente[/QUOTE]

    Have him stand up on your side.
  • What PPs said- have the people closest to you, regardless of gender. He can, as PP said, even be your MAN of honor- this is not uncommon these days.
  • tldhtldh member
    2500 Comments
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_boyfriend-wont-allow-only-sibling-part-of-wedding-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:23cf960a-7baf-4e3d-bb8b-762b39c69719Post:896b1f1d-eccd-4cb5-a6dd-d7a10e0c9c0f">Re: My boyfriend won't allow my only sibling to be part of our wedding party</a>:
    [QUOTE]Why not have him stand up on YOUR side?  That sounds like a nice compromise.  Although I'd take his stance as a warning sign of problems to come.  It's pretty stubborn for him to exclude your only brother because he "doesn't make the cut," especially when it's this important to you.  He's going to be his brother too, after all.  He REALLY needs to learn to pick his battles.
    Posted by ExpatPumpkin[/QUOTE]

    THIS!!!  If FI had ever been adamant about excluding one of my brothers, there would have been hell to pay.
    image
    AKA GoodLuckBear14
  • Thank you all appreciate the feedback, just want to clarify. I am not asking him to eliminate any of his choices or replace etc...just adding one more.

    and yes, his stance worries me. 
  • On the other hand, J was super adamant about NOT having ANY of his sisters involved. I should've listened...
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_boyfriend-wont-allow-only-sibling-part-of-wedding-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:23cf960a-7baf-4e3d-bb8b-762b39c69719Post:71f998ec-2090-430f-8978-61f659c75345">My boyfriend won't allow my only sibling to be part of our wedding party</a>:
    [QUOTE]Dear All,    My boyfriend and I were discussing marriage. We are planning to get engaged and were discussing what we would like. Well, needless to say to my shock when I suggested that I would like to have my brother as part of our bridal party. ( I only have one sibling)  Much to my shock , he said absolutely  not ! It isn't the case where they don't like each other or don't get along in fact quite the opposite.  He feels that to be selected as groomsmen is an honour and should only be the closet and most important folks to him and he just doesn't feel close to my brother.  Needless, to say there was nuclear fallout!  He has both a sister and a brother and I would have no problem including them if that's what he wanted but I was basically told that<strong> he would rather not get married at all  than made to feel awkward on his wedding day by asking someone to be a groomsman that he wouldn't want</strong> He claims that the selection of bridesmaids is up to the bride and the selection of groomsmen is of to the men!  What do I do? He said we can include my brother by asking him to read a prayer of the faithful, but that's not what I want.  It certainly wouldn't be the same.  I don't foresee myself ever getting married and excluding my brother I would rather have a small get together with  no guests and no bridesmaids and groomsmen if I can't have those closest to me included.  Anyone have any insight as to how we might resolve this.  At the moment I am still floored at his reaction and emphatic NO.  All opinions welcome.  Thanks.  
    Posted by stente[/QUOTE]

    He's looking for an out and using this lame-o excuse to get there. I say give him what he wants and find a guy who isn't a complete douchebag.
  • He's right in that his GM should only be those closest to him. You don't have a say in who stands on his side. So, have your brother on your side. You're clearly close to him, so it means just as much, if not more, for him to be on your side.

    However, your BF's reaction to the situation is a little troubling. He absolutely refused and said he's rather not get married at all then have your brother on his side? WTF is that all about? He sounds immature to react that way.
  • Don't worry about this stuff until you are actually engaged. Once you're engaged there's plenty of time for these decisions.

    I disagree with the other ladies on here about who chooses the bridesmaids & groomsmen. I believe each person should pick people who they want to be in the wedding party (not worrying about picking girls/guys). Then once you've come up with your list, the guys will be groomsmen and the girls are bridesmaids. It doesn't matter what side they are standing on they are standing up for you. I just like to keep things traditional with guys on one side and girls on another.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_boyfriend-wont-allow-only-sibling-part-of-wedding-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:23cf960a-7baf-4e3d-bb8b-762b39c69719Post:71f998ec-2090-430f-8978-61f659c75345">My boyfriend won't allow my only sibling to be part of our wedding party</a>:
    [QUOTE] I was basically told that he would rather not get married at all  than made to feel awkward on his wedding day by asking someone to be a groomsman that he wouldn't want
    Posted by stente[/QUOTE]

    Red flag, right there. Especially since he's talking about your brother.
    image
  • [QUOTE]In Response to My boyfriend won't allow my only sibling to be part of our wedding party : Red flag, right there. Especially since he's talking about your brother.
    Posted by LP11509[/QUOTE]

    Red flag, for sure.
  • BeeBee22BeeBee22 member
    100 Comments
    edited July 2010
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_boyfriend-wont-allow-only-sibling-part-of-wedding-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:23cf960a-7baf-4e3d-bb8b-762b39c69719Post:3b880e3b-9bbe-4f4f-955c-91b9597d5a5a">Re: My boyfriend won't allow my only sibling to be part of our wedding party</a>:
    [QUOTE]. It doesn't matter what side they are standing on they are standing up for you. I just like to keep things traditional with guys on one side and girls on another.
    Posted by twinkie757[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>Twinkle, just so the OP doesn't become confused, what is traditional is for the BMs to be the bride's closest women friends/relatives and for the GMs to be the grooms closest male friends/relatives.  It's about closeness.</div><div>
    </div><div>What's new is women having their closest <strong>people</strong>, regardless of gender.  The bride has no business choosing groomsmen.  If your FI agrees with you, that's one thing, but you should know you're misunderstanding the tradition.

    </div>
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_boyfriend-wont-allow-only-sibling-part-of-wedding-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:23cf960a-7baf-4e3d-bb8b-762b39c69719Post:81f76f9d-93c9-4cdd-9fba-2264b726ab24">Re: My boyfriend won't allow my only sibling to be part of our wedding party</a>:
    [QUOTE]Thank you all appreciate the feedback, just want to clarify. I am not asking him to eliminate any of his choices or replace etc...just adding one more. and yes, his stance worries me. 
    Posted by stente[/QUOTE]

    <div>OK, but not asking him to eliminate any isn't the point.  The bride doesn't get a say, period.</div><div>
    </div><div>But yeah, red flags as everyone has said.</div>
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_boyfriend-wont-allow-only-sibling-part-of-wedding-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:23cf960a-7baf-4e3d-bb8b-762b39c69719Post:14c99426-c85f-404f-8495-50140c121d21">Re: My boyfriend won't allow my only sibling to be part of our wedding party</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: My boyfriend won't allow my only sibling to be part of our wedding party : Twinkle, just so the OP doesn't become confused, what is traditional is for the BMs to be the bride's closest women friends/relatives and for the GMs to be the grooms closest male friends/relatives.  It's about closeness. What's new is women having their closest people , regardless of gender.  The bride has no business choosing groomsmen.  If your FI agrees with you, that's one thing, but you should know you're misunderstanding the tradition.
    Posted by BeeBee22[/QUOTE]

    I'm not misunderstanding any tradition. The tradition came to be because women were friends with women and were only allowed with men when they had an escort. Men and women did not socialize like we do today. I like to stay somewhat traditional and have women stand with women, but the people are most important to my FI and me.

    So to make it clear...Fi's sister is a bridesmaid, but I'm not close to her, he is. My brothers are groomsmen because they are close to me. They are standing up for us, just on the traditional side of the altar.
  • tldhtldh member
    2500 Comments
    edited July 2010
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_boyfriend-wont-allow-only-sibling-part-of-wedding-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:23cf960a-7baf-4e3d-bb8b-762b39c69719Post:3d4b509d-cf7b-4b2c-8a8d-a7dcfd741300">Re: My boyfriend won't allow my only sibling to be part of our wedding party</a>:
    [QUOTE]Get engaged first.
    Posted by GreenPepperBurger[/QUOTE]

    Uh No.  With all of the red flags, there are some relationship issues that have to be worked out before they get engaged.  FI and I discussed our wedding before we got engaged so what's the big deal you have with OP asking about her situation without the rock on her finger?
    image
    AKA GoodLuckBear14
  • not sure i would get engaged first. if it is important to you i would think it would be important to him too. 

    how does he feel about men standing up on your side? maybe if you tell him your brother is standing up, whether with the girls or the boys, he would rather have him with the groomsmen after all. i don't know, could you have him stand with the groomsmen but call him something else on the programs? (you know, so no one thinks he actually likes your brother). 

    also, have you asked your brother about it? he might not be comfortable hanging out with a bunch of guys he doesn't really know anyway.

    for what it's worth, i asked my fiance's sister to be a bridesmaid but they both wanted her to be best man. so she's hanging out with the guys for the day haha. as long as they're happy i'm happy.
  • Um, I'm going to call "ridiculous" on the whole "if I can't have this, I don't want to get married at all!" line that he's dropping. He's entitled to his opinion, but that's really childish of him. Ultimatums tend to be big, fat red flags.
  • If it is really important to you that your brother be in the bridal party, have him on your side.  As PPs have said, I think it is definitely a red flag that he was ready to cancel the wedding because you want your brother involved.

  • I agree this is a red flag. I told FI before we got engaged that it was important to me that my brother be in the WP. He understood therefore my bro is a GM. FI told me not to ask his sister, which I was going to do, so she is not in the WP.
    Couples need to make decisions together, and compromise on some things. He still has everyone he would have asked anyways, but my bro is also included. If your bf cannot compromise on this I would worry about your future. Healthy relationships require ALOT of compromise.
    With that said, I would also consider your brothers feelings. Even though roles are changing, I know my brother would not want to hang out with the girls all day and he would not attend a bridal shower or a bach party. So it isn't always such an easy solution.
    Good luck, hopefully he comes around after thinking about it and realizing how imp it is to you.

  • "he would rather not get married at all  than made to feel awkward on his wedding day by asking someone to be a groomsman that he wouldn't want"

    That is a very troubling statement he made. Are you sure you want to go forward?
  • Huge red flag about the not getting married bit.  I'm curious what he'd say if you told him your bro was standing on your side.
  • I agree with everyone... HUGE red flag. 

    My fiance has never even met one of my brothers, and he has every intention of asking him to be a GM because he knows how important it is to me. 
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