So... I'm probably an idiot

MandK9

A girl I know gave me serious attitude about my stance on this subject yesterday.  Said girl is engaged, and will be married three weeks before me. 

When you're addressing an invitation to a engaged couple that will be married before your own wedding, but is not married at the time the invitations go out... do you address it to them as a married couple or as unmarried?  

kellyjellybelly

Unmarried, since they aren't married yet.

michaelandjulie2

You address them as they are at the time the invites go out. So unmarried. 

andy71781

Unmarried.  What did you do? 

MandK9

That's what I thought. 

She told me that's rude, and said something along the lines of, "You're inviting us as the couple we will be on the day of your wedding, not the couple we are when the invitations go out.  On the day of your wedding, we will be married, so it's completely inappropriate for you to invite us as a non-married couple."

MandK9

P.S. I still have tons of time on this, but the argument bothered me and I wanted to double-check my stance.

andy71781

Wow she sounds like a real peach. 

saisongbird

Unmarried.  Married on her table card.  And tell her that!

MandK9

Andy-- yeah. Nightmare.

Saisongbird-- good idea.  Thanks.  Also, does your screen name have anything to do with the beer? 

kathrynhabibti

She sounds lovely!

Good idea by saisongbird.

mwhitson14

You're completely right.

saisongbird

Mandk9 - sorry, not a beer drinker!  My SN refers to my college frat.

mwhitson14

saisong, your picture is really big.

ARod22

If they are a couple who isn't married yet, they each get their own line on the same envelope.

I.e.

Mr. John Doe

Ms. Jane Smith

123 Street

Anywhere, State, 00000

When they are married, they are put on the same line.

Mr. John and Mrs. Jane Doe

123 Street

Anywhere, State, 00000

Of course, even when they are married you honor whether she chose to keep her maiden name, etc.  

Your friend is being very petty and her argument is totally stupid.  If she wants to be referred to as married now, then she should get married now.  Otherwise, she can wait until her wedding date, which she chose, to come.

I wouldn't engage in this moronic argument with her, but if she persists, send her this:

http://wedding.theknot.com/wedding-planning/wedding-invitations/articles/addressing-wedding-invitations.aspx

kathrynhabibti

[QUOTE]If they are a couple who isn't married yet, they each get their own line on the same envelope. I.e. Mr. John Doe Ms. Jane Smith 123 Street Anywhere, State, 00000 When they are married, <strong>they are put on the same line. Mr. John and Mrs. Jane Doe</strong> 123 Street Anywhere, State, 00000 Of course, even when they are married you honor whether she chose to keep her maiden name, etc.   Your friend is being very petty and her argument is totally stupid.  If she wants to be referred to as married now, then she should get married now.  Otherwise, she can wait until her wedding date, which she chose, to come. I wouldn't engage in this moronic argument with her, but if she persists, send her this: <a href="http://wedding.theknot.com/wedding-planning/wedding-invitations/articles/addressing-wedding-invitations.aspx" rel="nofollow">http://wedding.theknot.com/wedding-planning/wedding-invitations/articles/addressing-wedding-invitations.aspx</a>
Posted by ARod22[/QUOTE]
I was under the impression that the man's first and last names shouldn't be separated. So wouldn't it be Mr. and Mrs. John Doe? Or if you wanted to remove titles, Jane and John Doe.

Agreed on everything else though.

saisongbird

Whit - I can't seem to be able to shrink it.  I've been trying to get it smaller but no luck.

banana468

She does sound like a real peach.

So it's not appropriate to address people as they are - only as they will be?

Then tell her she's dead.

lauralaur

You could ask her if she would prefer to receive no invitation to your wedding instead. Yeesh! We had the same situation with H's cousin and on the invitation they were unmarried and on their escort cards they were.

SarahPLiz

She sounds like not a good friend. If she takes offense to how you addressed an envelope, then she needs more stuff to do in her life. To me, addresses on envelopes should be, above all else, practical. They should communicate effectively regarding where and to whom the envelope is to be deilvered. As long as it gets to its intended recipient, then its fine.

As long as you a=ren't planning to leave her FI off altogether, then you will be ok. Tell her to shove it!

MrsMLRB

Unmarried. What if the wedding doesn't happen? Then she never becomes Mrs. John Smith.

ARod22

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_im-probably-idiot?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:24c94efb-0681-4929-a85e-4e1d6328cbeePost:d1b9d424-4297-4c9c-8a58-99bfeb8a638f">Re: So... I'm probably an idiot</a>:
[QUOTE]I was under the impression that the man's first and last names shouldn't be separated. So wouldn't it be Mr. and Mrs. John Doe? Or if you wanted to remove titles, Jane and John Doe. Agreed on everything else though.
Posted by kathrynhabibti[/QUOTE]

<div>Yes, this is traditionally true, though you are allowed to separate the names, especially nowadays.  My parents insisted on being most formal for the invitation wording, and we still separated the names because I personally hate the idea of Mrs. Man's Name.  I'm fairly traditional but I think addressing a woman like that suggests that she loses her own identity once she is somebody's wife.</div>

kathrynhabibti

[QUOTE]In Response to Re: So... I'm probably an idiot : Yes, this is traditionally true, though you are allowed to separate the names, especially nowadays.  My parents insisted on being most formal for the invitation wording, and we still separated the names because I personally hate the idea of Mrs. Man's Name.  I'm fairly traditional but I think addressing a woman like that suggests that she loses her own identity once she is somebody's wife.
Posted by ARod22[/QUOTE]
Ah okay, just curious. Thanks for clarifying.

ETA: Oh! Mrs. Jane and Mr. John Doe. That could blend the two nicely, yeah?

PharmacyBride

I could see her being mad if you had it wrong on the escort card or if the invites were mailed a few days before her wedding... but weeks before her wedding.. nope.. you did it correctly!

sarah0725

I've heard of very close friends in this situation addressing the invitations as "The Future Mr. and Mrs." kind of as a warm wink about what's coming, but it doesn't sound like you have that kind of relationship with this stupid girl.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

Uh, I had a friend who got married 6 weeks before my wedding. I never considered writing anything other than her name and her fiance's name as they WERE on her envelope. Hell, I didn't even know if she would change her name. 

Now, I addressed her thank you card to Mr. and Mrs. because their gift came to us after they were married.

alehayes

I agree with everyone else...as they are now is definitely how you should go.  I know it sounds awful, but there's always a chance something might happen that causes them to cancel the wedding (like her FI being like "wtf is wrong with this chick?!?!")

Okay, that was mean.
 
But still, if something happens to cancel their wedding, and you've already invited her as Mrs. Soandso, she ISN'T Mrs. Soandso. 

Which I guess would make her not invited.

osumegs

a) We actually had a girl in our pharmacy school class throw a fit that they wouldn't start issuing things in her married name until she presented a marriage license. This fit was thrown a year before the wedding, and our reaction at the time was the guy still had time to run! Fast forward a few months and that engagement was broken. (Remember her, PharmacyBride lol?)

b) I'd just say, "Well, if that wording didn't work, we can always just invite him." I kid, but she really does sound like a gem.

lexandfab

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_im-probably-idiot?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:24c94efb-0681-4929-a85e-4e1d6328cbeePost:1446fd4d-5d53-4a78-89de-06deb2dc0ad2">Re: So... I'm probably an idiot</a>:
[QUOTE]She does sound like a real peach. So it's not appropriate to address people as they are - only as they will be? Then tell her she's dead.
Posted by banana468[/QUOTE]

Ahaha! This

jcamm11

Is she a freak? 

Yes. 

Should we make fun of her? 

Absolutely. 

How should you address her invite? 

The reason invite ettiquette rules were formed was to make the recipients comfortable/happy.  Since you know she'd prefer to have her invite addressed as if she's married, then address it that way.

jcamm11

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_im-probably-idiot?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:24c94efb-0681-4929-a85e-4e1d6328cbeePost:486da3c4-d9fb-40b9-bb76-e1d80250a887">Re: So... I'm probably an idiot</a>:
[QUOTE]I've heard of very close friends in this situation <strong>addressing the invitations as "The Future Mr. and Mrs." kind of as a warm wink about what's coming</strong>, but it doesn't sound like you have that kind of relationship with this stupid girl.
Posted by sarah0725[/QUOTE]

This would be an excellent option!!