Engagement etiquette...how soon is too soon?

helenmreich

So, I have a question about getting engaged.  I have been with my SO for over five years now, and now that I am about to graduate we are thinking about getting engaged.  I am definitely ready, but he is worried that people will think he got engaged only because his older brother did as well (he got engaged in January).  

The thing is, his brother's engagement was extremely sudden, and people had been asking us about getting married even before his brother had a girlfriend.  Is now too soon after his brother's engagement to get engaged ourselves?  What's more, his brother is getting married in a month...what do you all think?

LP11509

You don't have to (and shouldn't) plan your engagement around other people.  Get engaged when you and your BF are both ready.  The exception to this would be getting engaged AT their wedding - please don't do that.  Otherwise,  it's fine. 

mary9449

I don't think his brother getting engaged should have anything to do with your engagement or wedding plans at all. If you two are ready, which it sounds like, why not proceed forward?? You won't be getting married at the same time as his brother and his brother will be married for most of your engagement. I won't think you got engaged only because of his brother at all. Best of luck if you do get engaged and with all your future planning!

Summer2011Bride

Yes, get engaged when you are ready. Good friends of ours got engaged one month after we did. No one thought they were copying or trying to upstage us. We also have another friend getting married two weeks before us. When we set our date two weeks after his, no one thought anything of it. Just do what works for you. The only thing you want to avoid is planning a wedding on the SAME day.

nurse.misty

Ditto PP's. The only things you shouldn't do is get engaged at their wedding or plan your wedding the same day. They only get one day, just as you will get one day. The rest of the year is wide open. Get engaged when you and FI are ready.

lyndausvi

You have been together for over 5 years and you are graduating. I think most people would think that is a natural progression for you to get engaged. I doubt anyone would think you are copying the brother. Btw at your age people will be getting engaged all the time during the next few years. Then people will be buying houses and getting pregnant. These things are part of growing up. People general do these things because the timing is right in their lives not because they are copying other people.

Calypso1977

similar situation.

we got engaged in july after dating about 2 years.  H's sister got engaged that october, after about 7 years of dating, and everyone asking them what the wait was all about (they were long since done with college, including master's degrees and had a house, etc.  H has theorized taht she gave her boyfriend the guilt trip since we had dated less time and were moving forward with our lives. 

all that aside, i was not upset that her engagement followed so close after ours, although i was a little disappointed at the holidays when no one really asked us about wedding plans, etc. but were consumed with seeing her ring, hearing about her plans, etc.  we were pretty much "old news" even though several of our relatives had not seen us since we got engaged.  then, she sent her STDs such that everyone got them the day of our wedding.  i did think that was in poor taste.

shortee426

My twin brother got engaged about 3.5 months after me.  Nobody thinks the timing of his engagement was him trying to be like me (although I joke around with him that he's always trying to be like me, but that's a joke that goes way back with us).

As long as you don't get engaged AT his wedding, you are fine to get engaged whenever the time is right for you.

LP11509

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_engagement-etiquettehow-soon-soon?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:24edb3d0-5eea-4b7d-93ee-76e7fa4b7ef3Post:84de5fc3-c8a1-4107-a97d-8b1dab9adfaf">Re: Engagement etiquette...how soon is too soon?</a>:
[QUOTE]similar situation. we got engaged in july after dating about 2 years.  H's sister got engaged that october, after about 7 years of dating, and everyone asking them what the wait was all about (they were long since done with college, including master's degrees and had a house, etc.  H has theorized taht she gave her boyfriend the guilt trip since we had dated less time and were moving forward with our lives.  all that aside, i was not upset that her engagement followed so close after ours, although i was a little disappointed at the holidays when no one really asked us about wedding plans, etc. but were consumed with seeing her ring, hearing about her plans, etc.  we were pretty much "old news" even though several of our relatives had not seen us since we got engaged.  <strong>then, she sent her STDs such that everyone got them the day of our wedding.  i did think that was in poor taste.</strong>
Posted by Calypso1977[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I highly doubt she purposely sent them so that they would arrive on your wedding day and honestly don't understand what the big deal is. Expecting someone to wait and send their STDs (or wedding invites/shower invites, etc) out until after your wedding is a bit snotty. 

</div>

Kimberly0402

There is nothing wrong with getting engaged now. My mom got engaged in February and we are getting engaged in May. My wedding is July 28, 2012 and her's is 70 days later. One has nothing to do with the other.  Go For It!   (and congratulations!!!)

LP11509

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_engagement-etiquettehow-soon-soon?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:24edb3d0-5eea-4b7d-93ee-76e7fa4b7ef3Post:32b20974-8d82-4dd8-849d-e4c0127c309c">Re: Engagement etiquette...how soon is too soon?</a>:
[QUOTE]There is nothing wrong with getting engaged now. My mom got engaged in February and <strong>we are getting engaged in May. My wedding is July 28, 2012</strong> and her's is 70 days later. One has nothing to do with the other.  Go For It!   (and congratulations!!!)
Posted by Kimberly0402[/QUOTE]

<div>I'm not trying to be snarky here, I genuinely don't understand.  To me, if you and your SO have agreed you want to get married and have set a date/started planning, you're engaged already.  </div>

Allycat11

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_engagement-etiquettehow-soon-soon?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:24edb3d0-5eea-4b7d-93ee-76e7fa4b7ef3Post:e537784d-d3f2-4125-a664-4f6fff1e11ca">Re: Engagement etiquette...how soon is too soon?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Engagement etiquette...how soon is too soon? : I'm not trying to be snarky here, I genuinely don't understand.  To me, if you and your SO have agreed you want to get married and have set a date/started planning, you're engaged already.  
Posted by LP11509[/QUOTE]

Ditto

And OP, it is totally appropriate for you to get engaged now, just don't do it on the same day as a wedding related event of theirs...shower, wedding, etc....

Calypso1977

well, LP, i think it was more that at least for her family members, they might have felt bombarded to just get through one wedding, come home at the end of the day tired only to find out hey, time to start thinking abotu another wedding!  i mean, waiting even a week to mail the STD's wouldnt have messed up her plans that much, especially since STDs are not even required.

baystateapple

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_engagement-etiquettehow-soon-soon?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:24edb3d0-5eea-4b7d-93ee-76e7fa4b7ef3Post:a14d5dfd-c5b6-4491-ab0a-afc472e7db29">Re: Engagement etiquette...how soon is too soon?</a>:
[QUOTE]well, LP, i think it was more that at least for her family members, they might have felt bombarded to just get through one wedding, come home at the end of the day tired only to find out hey, time to start thinking abotu another wedding!  i mean, waiting even a week to mail the STD's wouldnt have messed up her plans that much, especially since STDs are not even required.
Posted by Calypso1977[/QUOTE]

Maybe she was just excited?  I'm with PP, I really doubt she did it on purpose.  She probably thought people would receive them after the wedding (your "one day") and didn't think that she'd upset you.  I don't see why it did.

BIL and SIL's wedding was two days before we were due to send out our own wedding invitations.  We mailed our invites the day after we came home from their wedding.  I would hope that they didn't think it was a deliberate snub on our parts.

Tanq&Tonic

Agree with PPs.  You're ready when you're ready, and anyone who thinks you had a different reason for timing needs to mind their own business.  Honestly, if people thought DH proposed to me the weekend after a friend's wedding out of external pressures, those people either don't know us well, or aren't actually good friends, which makes their opinions irrelevant.

Milsey32

You two should get engaged with YOU TWO are ready. Don't plan it around anyone else (What if your friend ends up getting engaged next week? Are you going to wait?) The only thing I think is really important is to not steal their wedding thunder (Don't get engaged at the RD or the actual wedding itself, or the morning after brunch - if they're having one)

Calypso1977

i didnt say i was upset.  i just said that i thought was in poor taste.  and if you want to argue the "i get one day" well then technically they arrived on my one day (family is all local, so i assume everyone else got theirs taht night too).  again, i dont see why even waiting until monday to mail them would have killed her. 

mica178

Talk it over with your BF.  He can decide if he wants to wait until his brother is married to get engaged.  I agree, though, that his brother and bride get one day, so as long as you don't get engaged at their wedding, it's probably fine.

H delayed our engagement until after his brother and SIL were married.  That was his decision based on his family dynamics.  I wasn't involved in that decision, as his proposal was a surprise to me.  

jcamm11

If anyone actually thinks your b/f would make a major life decision just to copy his brother, then their opinion isn't worth worrying about.  Get engaged when you are ready, and don't do it at their wedding.

Sarahkayfa

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_engagement-etiquettehow-soon-soon?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:24edb3d0-5eea-4b7d-93ee-76e7fa4b7ef3Post:32b20974-8d82-4dd8-849d-e4c0127c309c">Re: Engagement etiquette...how soon is too soon?</a>:
[QUOTE]There is nothing wrong with getting engaged now. My mom got engaged in February and we are getting engaged in May. My wedding is July 28, 2012 and her's is 70 days later. One has nothing to do with the other.  Go For It!   (and congratulations!!!)
Posted by Kimberly0402[/QUOTE]

<div>Do you mean you're announcing your engagement in May?</div>

bonnyandtim

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_engagement-etiquettehow-soon-soon?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:24edb3d0-5eea-4b7d-93ee-76e7fa4b7ef3Post:a1e92593-dae6-49e0-be3b-3e0fdb33f097">Re: Engagement etiquette...how soon is too soon?</a>:
[QUOTE]You don't have to (and shouldn't) plan your engagement around other people.  Get engaged when you and your BF are both ready.  The exception to this would be getting engaged AT their wedding - please don't do that.  Otherwise,  it's fine. 
Posted by LP11509[/QUOTE]

Ditto this!

FWIW, I know several sets of siblings who got married only a couple months between each other. Everyone has their own day in life, & life has to move forward, you know?

lisarose7

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_engagement-etiquettehow-soon-soon?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:24edb3d0-5eea-4b7d-93ee-76e7fa4b7ef3Post:32b20974-8d82-4dd8-849d-e4c0127c309c">Re: Engagement etiquette...how soon is too soon?</a>:
[QUOTE]There is nothing wrong with getting engaged now. My mom got engaged in February and we are getting engaged in May. My wedding is July 28, 2012 and her's is 70 days later. One has nothing to do with the other.  Go For It!   (and congratulations!!!)
Posted by Kimberly0402[/QUOTE]

If you have a wedding date set, you're engaged.  Congratulations on your engagement.  I think you meant to say you're ANNOUNCING your engagement in May.

OP, your BF can propose whenever he wants (except on their wedding day, as PPs have said).  Congratulations in advance.

dragonwagon

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_engagement-etiquettehow-soon-soon?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:24edb3d0-5eea-4b7d-93ee-76e7fa4b7ef3Post:32b20974-8d82-4dd8-849d-e4c0127c309c">Re: Engagement etiquette...how soon is too soon?</a>:
[QUOTE]There is nothing wrong with getting engaged now. My mom got engaged in February and <strong>we are getting engaged in May</strong>. My wedding is July 28, 2012 and her's is 70 days later. One has nothing to do with the other.  Go For It!   (and congratulations!!!)
Posted by Kimberly0402[/QUOTE]

eh?

Calypso1977

she prob wont have a ring until May.  alot think they cant get engaged unless they have a ring.

cm42878

We got engaged last year on the 4th of JUly and we are getting married on
May 21st. My cousin got engaged less than 5 months later on Christmas Eve and is gettin married less than 4 months after us in September. I could not have been happier for her, I am so happy we are sharing this experiance together!! It really has made the wedding planning a lot of fun to do some of it together!