Conflicted

lauriea2315

Hello,

I was asked to be the Maid of Honor in a friends wedding. I am going to get a little background before I get to my questions.

I was asked to be the maid of honor at a large social function (loud resturant) and it was prefaced with "I asked my sister and she said there was no way she wanted to be the MOH so I thought to asked you." Her sister said she didn't want the responsiblity. I am not as close as I used to be to the bride to be because she has been busy with school, work and realtionship. 

Her wedding is at the beginning of June and she just found a wedding dress and has yet to pick out bridesmaid dresses. 

In the beginning I tried invite her to look at flowers and she always decling because she wanted to go with her mom and sister (who live out of town). Her mom and sister came into town to pick out a wedding dress and there was no invitation sent to me. When she was going to take her engagement pictures, she said she might need my help so I told her to call me and she ended up calling a close guy friend, whom she calls a flake.

I'm torn about this situation. I feel like the only reason she asked me to be MOH was because I can plan things well and get things done. However, when it has come to including me on things, I feel, as the MOH, should be included on, I have been excluded. To be honest, I couldn't care less about being MOH. All that matters to be is that she has a great wedding. However, I feel like our friendship is being taken advantage of because she isn't really treating me like a MOH but more like an event planner. I know that weddings are a stressful time but she has not given any direction as far as what she expects of me (other than planning the bachelorette party).

How should I handle this situation? What should I do about my feelings? I don't want to put all this effort into her wedding when she is the one getting married and I was a backup MOH.

Loopyseven

let me get this straight.. you think she only asked you to be MOH cause you can plan stuff and are responsible, but you're complaining because she hasn't given you anything to do or invited you to do any of the planning stuff with her?  

We tell brides all the time that the only responsibility of the wedding party is to buy the outfit and smile for the camera.  Anything beyond that is nice, but not required.  As FRIENDS (not MOH, or anything else) wanting and offering to help/throw showers/bachelorettes whatever is on you.  You can offer to help, she doesn't have to take you up on it.  

andrea2473

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_conflicted?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:24f0977f-a37c-4ad2-8c6a-fcc47ef83bc8Post:d8e775e3-e807-4a3e-b741-2d719a68018b">Conflicted</a>:
[QUOTE]Hello, I was asked to be the Maid of Honor in a friends wedding. I am going to get a little background before I get to my questions. I was asked to be the maid of honor at a large social function (loud resturant) and it was prefaced with "I asked my sister and she said there was no way she wanted to be the MOH so I thought to asked you." Her sister said she didn't want the responsiblity. I am not as close as I used to be to the bride to be because she has been busy with school, work and realtionship.  Her wedding is at the beginning of June and she just found a wedding dress and has yet to pick out bridesmaid dresses.  In the beginning I tried invite her to look at flowers and she always decling because she wanted to go with her mom and sister (who live out of town). Her mom and sister came into town to pick out a wedding dress and there was no invitation sent to me. When she was going to take her engagement pictures, she said she might need my help so I told her to call me and she ended up calling a close (<strong>gay)</strong>guy friend, whom she calls a flake. I'm torn about this situation. I feel like the only reason she asked me to be MOH was because I can plan things well and get things done. However, when it has come to including me on things, I feel, as the MOH, should be included on, I have been excluded. To be honest, I couldn't care less about being MOH. All that matters to be is that she has a great wedding. However, I feel like our friendship is being taken advantage of because she isn't really treating me like a MOH but more like an event planner. I know that weddings are a stressful time but she has not given any direction as far as what she expects of me (other than planning the bachelorette party). How should I handle this situation? What should I do about my feelings? I don't want to put all this effort into her wedding when she is the one getting married and I was a backup MOH.
Posted by lauriea2315[/QUOTE]

The bolded part is completely irrelevant, BTW.   I'm not sure what you are saying here.  You are trying to be included, but she's not asking you or giving you any direction.  Yet, you feel like she just wants to use you as a wedding planner?  Wouldn't she be using you more if that were the case?  The way she asked you (letting you know you were second choice) was definitely rude, but it sounds like you accepted anyway.   Personally, I wouldn't care so much.  BM, MOH...it's all the same to me.  You're not expected to do more as the MOH.  Just talk to her about her expectations and tell her what you are willing to do. 

ETA: Loopy kind of beat me to my point.

Choco9

I didn't do any of the things you listed with my MOH or bridesmaids, I did all of them by myself (including dress shopping... I reccommend that to everyone, btw).  Do people actually invite friends to all these things?  Flower meetings and E-pics?  Weird.
Why in the world do you need a friend to come with you for E pics?

Anyway, I would just relish in the fact that she hasn't given you assignments that take up your time, but that's just me.

chelseamb11

This is so weird.  Most brides complain that their MOH doesn't do enough.  Here you are, MOH, complaining that the bride isn't have you do enough.

If you don't want to be her MOH, then don't do it.  This is her wedding, not yours.  It is hers to plan/organize/DIY/whatever, not yours.  I don't get why you were inviting her to go look at flowers.  If she asks you to do more, great.  But it feels like you are trying to live vicariously through her or something when it comes to wedding planning.

aragx6

I would not ask my MOH to go with me to florist appointments or anything like it. I wanted my MOH there for wedding dress shopping, but it's hardly a requirement.
If you don't want to be MOH, then step down, and I do agree that the way she went about asking was pretty rude. You did say yes, however, and I'm personally not seeing anything that she's done as super egregious.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

I'd be thrilled to death to not be asked to help out with every little detail, honestly.

I can totally see why she'd only want her mom and sister to be there when she went dress shopping. I went dress shopping with only my mother, who happened to be in town. If I'd had to go back, I probably would have taken my BMs, but I found a dress that day. It's much easier to pick out a dress without the opinion of multiple people.

My BMs didn't help me with invitations, flowers, venues, etc. Those were things my now-husband and I picked out together. It was OUR wedding, after all. My BMs helped to pick THEIR dresses, I shared things like the venue we picked, colors, etc, with them. They planned a weekend getaway for my bachelorette. We went to the seamstress to get their dresses fitted. I took them to the spa to get their nails done. They showed up early the day-of to get ready for pictures and then rode with the rest of the WP in the limo. That's about all!

AdeleDazeem

Is this the Twilight Zone?



EDIT: I would say 99.9% of the time, the MOH comes on here complaining that the brides expects her to do all these things!  Your friend wants to do things with her mom - that's pretty normal.  I didn't ask my MOH to do anything more than stand there at the wedding, hold my bouquet and love me because I loved her. 

You are not an event planner - you're her friend!  Be friends.  Talk about weddings but also talk about other things and live your life.  She didn't pick you to be unpaid labor - she picked you to honor you.  Enjoy the honor on the wedding day and until then be happy for your friend.

Meegles4

I did not ask my MOH to visit the florist, help with my e-pics or anything like that. I can't imagine any circumstances in which I'd want her to do that with me. Frankly, its not her wedding, why would she be there? I don't mean that disrespectfully, but it's true. My mom came with me to some stuff, or FI. I did ask my MOH to go with me dress shopping, but we looked at both wedding & BM dresses. She didn't go every time I went though and had she not been able to go wedding dress shopping, I would have been fine with that. I did appreciate her help picking the BM dresses, but that's about it.

As PPs said, the MOHs only real job is to show up on the day in the right dress. The rest is gravy. Just because you're the MOH doesn't mean you're her wedding planner or that you two need to suddenly be attached at the hip. I barely see my MOH just because we're both so busy.

I do think the way she asked you was a little tacky, but I think at this point you just need to take a step back, offer input when she asks for it, and otherwise let it go.

calixtine

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_conflicted?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:24f0977f-a37c-4ad2-8c6a-fcc47ef83bc8Post:d8e775e3-e807-4a3e-b741-2d719a68018b">Conflicted</a>:
[QUOTE]Hello, I was asked to be the Maid of Honor in a friends wedding. I am going to get a little background before I get to my questions. I was asked to be the maid of honor at a large social function (loud resturant) and it was prefaced with "I asked my sister and she said there was no way she wanted to be the MOH so I thought to asked you." Her sister said she didn't want the responsiblity. I am not as close as I used to be to the bride to be because she has been busy with school, work and realtionship.  Her wedding is at the beginning of June and she just found a wedding dress and has yet to pick out bridesmaid dresses.  In the beginning I tried invite her to look at flowers and she always decling because she wanted to go with her mom and sister (who live out of town). Her mom and sister came into town to pick out a wedding dress and there was no invitation sent to me. When she was going to take her engagement pictures, she said she might need my help so I told her to call me and she ended up calling a close (gay) guy friend, whom she calls a flake. I'm torn about this situation. I feel like the only reason she asked me to be MOH was because I can plan things well and get things done. However, when it has come to including me on things, I feel, as the MOH, should be included on, I have been excluded. To be honest, I couldn't care less about being MOH. All that matters to be is that she has a great wedding. However, I feel like our friendship is being taken advantage of because she isn't really treating me like a MOH but more like an event planner. I know that weddings are a stressful time but she has not given any direction as far as what she expects of me (other than planning the bachelorette party). How should I handle this situation? What should I do about my feelings? I don't want to put all this effort into her wedding when she is the one getting married and I was a backup MOH.
Posted by lauriea2315[/QUOTE]

I haven't asked any of the ladies in my wedding party to help me plan any part of my wedding or go to appointments.  It's not because I don't want them to be a part of my wedding, I wouldn't have asked them to be in it otherwise.  I just think that your wedding party is not free labor and should not be asked or expected to participate in your wedding planning.  If they offer to do something, I may or may not take them up on it.  They all have a lot of things going on in their lives and my wedding is one day 5 months away from now, it's not the center of their focus.  I hope my friends don't think that I am just using them because I am trying to be considerate of their time and attentions.

mica178

Most of my WP complained that I didn't ask them to do enough.  No one stepped down even though I never had anyone stuff an envelope or package favors or plan a bachelorette party.

You should be her MOH if you (and the bride) want to be standing by her side when she says her vows.  That's the reason to be MOH.  

lauriea2315

Thank you for all your input. All of the information I "thought" MOH were supposed to do came from both this website and others. 

http://wedding.theknot.com/bridesmaids-mother-of-the-bride/bridesmaids/articles/maid-of-honor-duties-in-detail.aspx

Callmefia

I have the same situation as Mica, my sister (MOH) keeps asking to do all this stuff and I keep tell her that its my job to plan, not hers! LOL.

I have to say though, that I have invited the WP to come to planning things only in case they WANT to be included. But otherwise its not required. All but one bridesmaid came to shop with me for my dress, it was a big group but they seemed to have more fun than I did!  I am not asking bridesmaids to come pick flowers, just my mom, grandma, and my sister (but again, not required!)

andrea2473

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_conflicted?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:24f0977f-a37c-4ad2-8c6a-fcc47ef83bc8Post:d746e184-f02d-4382-b74d-198c7c4208ef">Re: Conflicted</a>:
[QUOTE]Thank you for all your input. All of the information I "thought" MOH were supposed to do came from both this website and others.  <a href="http://wedding.theknot.com/bridesmaids-mother-of-the-bride/bridesmaids/articles/maid-of-honor-duties-in-detail.aspx">http://wedding.theknot.com/bridesmaids-mother-of-the-bride/bridesmaids/articles/maid-of-honor-duties-in-detail.aspx</a>
Posted by lauriea2315[/QUOTE]

It's a very common misconception.  One reason being, usually the MOH is who is closest to the bride so they tend to be the person who WANTS to throw the parties.   It doesn't mean that they have to.  It's not a job, just an honor. Good luck.

rebarobert2012

I didn't ask my MOH to go with me to pick out my dress.  Not all brides invite their wedding party to help plan everything.  Maybe she doesn't want to overwhelm you?

If you want to help with certain things, ask her if you can help.  If you really do not want to be the MOH, however, that's a different story.

LittleMissCutiePie

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_conflicted?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:24f0977f-a37c-4ad2-8c6a-fcc47ef83bc8Post:d8e775e3-e807-4a3e-b741-2d719a68018b">Conflicted</a>:
[QUOTE]Hello, I was asked to be the Maid of Honor in a friends wedding. I am going to get a little background before I get to my questions. I was asked to be the maid of honor at a large social function (loud resturant) and it was prefaced with "I asked my sister and she said there was no way she wanted to be the MOH so I thought to asked you." Her sister said she didn't want the responsiblity. I am not as close as I used to be to the bride to be because she has been busy with school, work and realtionship.  Her wedding is at the beginning of June and she just found a wedding dress and has yet to pick out bridesmaid dresses.  In the beginning I tried invite her to look at flowers and she always decling because she wanted to go with her mom and sister (who live out of town). Her mom and sister came into town to pick out a wedding dress and there was<span style="font-weight:bold;"> no invitation sent to me</span>. When she was going to take her engagement pictures, she said she might need my help so I told her to call me and she ended up calling a close guy friend, whom she calls a flake. I'm torn about this situation. I feel like the only reason she asked me to be MOH was because <span style="font-weight:bold;">I can plan things well and get things done</span>. However, when it has come to including me on things, I feel, <span style="font-weight:bold;">as the MOH, should be included on</span>, I have been excluded. To be honest, I couldn't care less about being MOH. All that matters to be is that she has a great wedding. However, I feel like our friendship is being taken advantage of because she isn't really treating me like a MOH but more like <span style="font-weight:bold;">an event planner</span>. I know that weddings are a stressful time but she has not given any direction as far as what she expects of me (other than planning the bachelorette party). How should I handle this situation? What should I do about my feelings? I don't want to put all this effort into her wedding when she is the one getting married and I was a<span style="font-weight:bold;"> backup MOH</span>.
Posted by lauriea2315[/QUOTE]
I'm going to break this down by bolded quotes:
1. Her mom and sister came into town to pick out a wedding dress and there was<span style="font-weight:bold;"> no invitation sent to me</span>: Don't take this too personally. Many brides like to keep wedding dress shopping within the family. My BMs wanted to come with me to my dress shopping, but it would have broken my mother's heart, so I said no. They weren't hurt or offended. It could also just be that she's an inconsiderate airhead, which is what it sounds like given your other evidence.
2. I feel like the only reason she asked me to be MOH was because <span style="font-weight:bold;">I can plan things well and get things done</span>: This sounds like it's probably true. Not to sound like a negative nancy, but your friend actually admitted that you were her second choice. She obviously sees MOH as a job, not an honor. As the MOH, you're not even technically bound to any duties but to buy the dress and show up to the church on time. Any parties or luncheons or other crap should be treated as a gift. If you <span style="font-style:italic;">want </span>to throw her a bachelorette, do so. There's no rule saying you <span style="font-style:italic;">need </span>to. I say that, of course, assuming you're going to stick this thing out, which I really would advise against.
3. However, when it has come to including me on things, I feel, <span style="font-weight:bold;">as the MOH, should be included on</span>, I have been excluded: As I state in my above two points, the MOH is not required to do anything but be there on the day and maybe sign the registry. She also may feel like she'd be burdening you with a whole whack of duties (maybe because her sis declined after quoting "too much responsibility" she knew to scale back her expectations). However, given your evidence with the engagement photos (even though that's not something MOHs normally get invited to, but she <span style="font-style:italic;">did</span> ask you in the first place), it sounds to me like she's just inconsiderate. I'm trying to show you both sides of the argument here, but I do lean more towards the fact that she's a crappy friend.
4. I feel like our friendship is being taken advantage of because she isn't really treating me like a MOH but more like <span style="font-weight:bold;">an event planner</span>: This is pretty much guaranteed.Too many brides have watched too many crappy Hollywood wedding movies where the MOH is the substitute wedding planner. She sounds like she wants you to plan her wedding, for nothing more than a spot at the head table and a crummy monogrammed tote bag (she seems like a monogrammed tote bag giving bride to me, for some reason...), if you get a gift at all.
5. I don't want to put all this effort into her wedding when she is the one getting married and I was a<span style="font-weight:bold;"> backup MOH</span>: I could not have said it better myself. If she wants to plan a fantastic wedding, she needs to enlist the help of her FI, not you. She's getting married to him, and he needs to take responsibility. If she can't have FI help her for whatever reason, she needs to hire a professional event coordinator, and cough up the bucks. And it was ABSOLUTELY beyond rude of her to even mention to you that you weren't the first choice. I would have dropped her like a hot potato right then and there. I would step down if I were you, and tell her that if she wanted a wedding coordinator, she should have hired one.