Edit: Before reading this I should clarify something - my father was abusive, a cheater, and absent most of my life. His mentality is very narcissistic (generally if he doesn't get something out of the deal he doesn't feel obligated to help, he's not exactly someone I would define as a samaritan) I grew up with my mother raising three kids on her own, on food stamps, welfare, and food from the church while this man went on tropical vacations and and bought new boats with wife #2 and their two kids.
So my father has been a rollercoaster of a parent for me my whole life. I'm his eldest and only daughter. He has two boys with wife #2, and my mom and him and two boys after they had me.
When I brought up the wedding with him a week after my engagement, he said he could give us $3500. Mind you, my mom and stepdad are generously givng us $10,000, and my fiance's parents are also giving us $10,000 (which was generous and unexpected) and my fiance and I are putting in $10,000 of our own money.
I was upset he couldn't give us as much as they did but went with it.
A few weeks later my father and wife #2 throw a $10,000 bar mitzvah for my 13 year old half brother in Long Island.
And I noticed they have 2 new cars.
And they just re-did their whole kitchen.
So needless to say, it was a little hurtful to see that he can drop money on more important things.....at least that's how I felt. I do know h'es an adult and can spend his money as he chooses.
I recently asked my father for the money he offered
for a deposit for the tent. To which he replied, "Sorry, I'd love to help but we just don't have the money. We can't help you."
I do not feel that my mother and future in-laws should have to pay for his second family and his relatives to come to the wedding when he is buying boats, cars, and vacations.
I don't know what to say to him or how to respond to this, but I am hurt beyond anything else that he won't give us anything, and that his "poor me" email was a pity party. I wish he could be the father I want him to be, but my whole life he's always disapointed me.
So here's my question: Do I simply not invite him, his family, and his brother and sister's families on principle that we cannot afford 20 more people on our list with our now-downsized budget? Or do I confront him about it, asking why he feels that buying cars, new kitchens, and bar mitzvahs are more important? I feel that, as a father, he has let me down on so many levels.
I am thrilled that we have a good budget to work with but the cost of things here is absurd (trust me, I've brought up eloping or a destination wedding, but my FILs would kill us....)
I am so hurt and lost right now that I thought he would come through like he said he would, only to change his mind, I would love input from anyone out there.
xoxo
For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul.