friend is upset she wasn't invited, what to do?

parker624

I'd love some advice on this situation.  Here's some background:

I was friends with this girl when I first started school, about 6 years ago.  She was with me the day that FI and I first met.  Through the years we had an on again off again friendship (in my opinion).  We graduated 3 years ago, she moved to the west coast, and we lost touch.  It was my feeling that our friendship had started to wane in our last year of school, so I did not make much of an effort to keep in touch, and I didn't think she made an effort either.  I have not spoken to her in about a year and a half.

Today, I received an email from her saying that she was really hurt that she was not invited to our wedding, and that she thought of me as one of her close friends.

I am floored and kind of offended as well.  Obviously she had a very different opinion of our friendship than I did.   I obviously hurt her feelings and our "friendship." 

So, I'm not sure how to handle this other than explaining to her why she wasn't invited, which will officially end our friendship.  Which makes me feel guilty, but may not be a bad thing.

kfcrawford

I think all the previous posts capture my opinions well. Try not to feel guilty and just explain as nicely as you can. If she values your friendship as she says she does then she will understand that you are on a budget and had to make very tough choices about who to invite.
Good luck!

parker624

update:  Ok, well I emailed back and told her we could only invite so many people and we hadn't spoken in 3 years.  Also, I did tell her I thought it was rude that she was asking for an invite, when in fact invitations have not yet gone out, so how did she know she was not on the guest list anyway?

she wrote back saying she was hurt and felt like I cut her out of my life.  Made some snarky comments.  Then she wrote another email apologizing for bringing up the fact that our friendship has grown apart in reference to our wedding guest list.

I'm not writing back anymore.

I totally understand if she feels like our friendship had drifted apart.  I obviously wasn't making an effort to keep in touch, but if she felt the friendship was worth it, she could have made an effort more than writing that email to me. I just looked back in my archives, and we had not corresponded at all since last year.  Sigh.. . .

jen-n-jess

I am in the same situation excpet I haven't married yet. When I tell people about our wedding, I get, "well I better get an invite!" Or what? We have to pay for it out of our own pockets so it is limited to family and true friends that stays connected with me consistently and within the last year. I don't really know how to say this without hurting people's feelings, but I can't invite all 300 plus friends that are on my facebook!

julile

People get really crazy with weddings for some reason. I have had several people ask to be invited and then when I tried to explain to them very politely that we are having a small wedding with just our family and and a few friends they still get angry at me. A few people asked me if I was joking when I told them they weren't invited. I had people ask if they can "bring a few friends" with them if they pay for them to be there. I told them we didn't have enough room at the venue we are having the reception at and then heard them say something about sneaking them in after the dinner. Bringing a date is one thing, but bringing a few of your friends to hang out and drink is another. Has anyone else had any ridiculous instances like this??

alisa44

I'd respond in a gracious way, and see no need to address the fact that you see your friendship differently after such a long time without contact. I'd thank her enough for reaching out & tell her that you had to work with your fiance to keep the list smaller than you might have hoped & leave it at that.

denmar68

I think you did the right thing. She was rude and presumptuous for assuming she wasn't invited and asking why. Glad you called her on it. My wedding is next April and I've already sent out SAVE THE DATE cards since 80% of my list is from out of state. I'm sure there will be someone who's angry that they aren't invited, but, like yourself, I have no intention of inviting people that haven't bothered to keep in touch with me over the last few years. And if they react badly to why they weren't invited, GOOD RIDDANCE to them and their friendship!

BEST OF LUCK TO YOU:)

Sueduction

I've had some go as far as write on my social networking page, saying their invite wasn't received YET!!

I just thought to myself "Don't hold your breath, honey, it isn't coming!!"

There is a difference in inviting friends or inviting aquaintances... and I've got far too many real friends I would rather have there on our special day!!

I think if you've gotten by a year and a half without her, cutting all ties shouldn't really affect your life! Good Luck, girl!
 

EMPORTA1980

i completely understand,and went down the same path recently. =-( it is not easy to tell people, that at one time or another you were close to, "sorry you can not share in the joy of my special day"  in my case a couple of the estranged friends were understanding to the fact our lives had taken different paths and had a limited guest list. but a few acted immaturely, and placed mean things about me on their social networking sites. at the end of the day this is YOUR wedding, the one time you can be concerned about your happiness. the way i look at it, on my day i want those that are nearest and dearest, those who have been there through thick and thin. well enough with the cheesey cliches. good luck!

mikenjenn

I was in the same boat. Except she was my maid of honor. The ONLY reason she had the title is because she is the one i knew the longest (since high school) out of all our friends (which were her friends she introduced me to). Our friendship wasnt the same after high school.. She always considered me her best friend and yeah we would hang out but i always felt drained by her negativeness and the day i told her where we were getting married she went psycho saying i was stupid and that i just wasted alot of money (mind you i hadnt booked the venue yet) so in the end I told her we arent the same people we were and things have changed and sometimes thats a good thing but unfortunately my heart was not in our friendship anymore. i wished her well and that was it. I think for me it was a major relief I cant imagine having someone there with me the day of my wedding being negative and unsupportive.

I think you should just let your friend know the truth and how you feel. The truth hurts but if your heart isnt in that friendship than just let it go. Ive learned that in planning a wedding you cant please everyone and everyone has an opinion but honestly at the end of the day its just you and your fiance and the people you want at your wedding.

Best Wishes,
Jenn

Jocelyn1211

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_friend-upset-she-wasnt-invited?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:254aba8b-5801-43c8-b83c-b3b999ff16b3Post:11cff9ff-1379-4a51-8a40-a3918db0eed9">Re: friend is upset she wasn't invited, what to do?</a>:
[QUOTE]People get really crazy with weddings for some reason. I have had several people ask to be invited and then when I tried to explain to them very politely that we are having a small wedding with just our family and and a few friends they still get angry at me. A few people asked me if I was joking when I told them they weren't invited. I had people ask if they can "bring a few friends" with them if they pay for them to be there.
Posted by KOKILUJ[/QUOTE]

Bring a few friends?  What is wrong with people??  You are so right about people being insane about weddings.  I feel like all sorts of people from my past are coming out of the woodwork now!  It is so nice to receive congratulations from people but with some of them, you have to wonder why they're trying to reconnect and if they have the potential to become the type of person who is outright asking if they will be invited!  Two of my college roommates asked me and my fiance outright at dinner one night (a dinner we had after not seeing them for like a year and a half) if they were invited and we just said that we haven't finalized the guest list but we both have really big families, which is totally true.  I feel like I can honestly say that I would NEVER ask someone that...and I'm not even sure I would get offended if I wasn't invited to someone's wedding...especially if they aren't really in my life at this point.

bisa.lisa

My FI had this type of thing happen to him.  A friend of a friend asked FI and I quote "Can I crash your wedding"... how do you respond to that, well if we wanted you there we would have sent you and invitation.  This guy can't take a hint and is really weird, neither FI or myself want him or his wife at our day. How do I bluntly say don't show up?

lyricalcandy

If she really does consider you a close friend and wants to continue a friendship, she will want to do that wether she's invited or not. I would be open and honest... and see where it goes from there.

wallyandkristin

making the guest list is the hardest thing ever.  Its so bizarre to have to review every signifigant person from your whole life and their relationship situations and then make cuts!  People just don't realize how hard it is or how EXPENSIVE it is until they go through it themselves.

RochelleAnn2302

I have the same problem. My fi and I grew up in the same small town so everyone from the town pretty much expects to be invited. People keep commenting to us how fun our wedding is going to be and that they can't wait. These people aren't on the guest list! We can't use the line "small wedding, family and close friends only" because we already have a 300+ guest list! I just have to stop the bleeding somehow because the list just keeps getting bigger and Bigger and BIGGER! Every time someone makes a comment like this to my mom she adds them to the guest list! And the worst part is some people I would rank closer to us than the ones that are weisseling their way in. I know I need to tell mom too bad so sad but small town politics are a problem. FI runs the bank in town so doesn't want to offend any of his customers and my parents are business owners in town so same thing.... agh! craziness! One saving grace is there happens to be another girl from our small town getting married that night so some people will probably go to her wedding instead? but who knows.... I know alot of people are counting on this to be a big social event for our sleepy little town where there's not a lot going on usually.

mva1013

I agree with most everyone! Look, for some reason it seems you say wedding and everyone starts taking crazy pills!!!!

If you didn't feel that person and you no longer had a friendship and now they are mad...what are they going to do...stop being your friend?

No loss but I do understand that feeling of guilt or just negativity from others. Remember what your special day is about, you and your honey and the love and life you will sharing..till death do you part!

Have a glass of champagne, relax and have lots of fun!

eawatson984

I HATE guest list making. I have had friends who  were  like , if there isn't enough room that is totally fine and I can't wait to see the pictures. I have a very small guest list and the people that  said they understood were the ones that I ended up inviting. They have continued to be supportive and excited making all the stress more  bearable. I don't need pushy people thinking it is about them when my man and I have been saving everything to pay for our wedding. I didn't even invite some family for the same reasons. If they haven't made an effort to say hi, congrats or made time to say hi for five minutes when you are in there town which is states away from where you live, there is no reason to make room for  them. When it is all said and done they might never make contact again even if the DO come to your wedding. Don't sweat it and if thinking of the person doesn't make you smile, don't invite them!

My fiance had a friend to RSVP'd with military buddies that we (me or my fiance)    hadn't ever met! Who does that!! This is not a guys party. I called them and blatently told them that only listed guests  were invited and that we appreciated their understanding. A wedding isn't just another big party. People are dumb.

TiaMatthew

Do not feel guilty at all!  I don't understand why people just assume they are invited to a wedding when they aren't even close to the couple.  If she thought you were so close why hasn't she contacted you for a year and a half. I would explain to her that you have limited space and obviously need to invite your family before everyone else as well.

parker624

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_friend-upset-she-wasnt-invited?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:254aba8b-5801-43c8-b83c-b3b999ff16b3Post:813f8661-800b-4a5e-b53d-616c34ce73ad">Re: friend is upset she wasn't invited, what to do?</a>:
[QUOTE]Iif thinking of the person doesn't make you smile, don't invite them! [/QUOTE]

THIS!!! What perfect advice! 

kirieli923

Your friend definitely took it to the extreme, and people DO get a little crazy about weddings. 

But, I have to say that though a lot of people ask whether or not they're invited, I don't think it's meant to be rude or that they ask because they feel entitled to an invitation.  I have actually committed the crime once myself, merely because I was so happy for a friend of mine.  The question just slipped out in my happiness and desire to celebrate her.  I felt bad about it as soon as I asked, but sometimes that just happens to people.  It's not just that weddings make people crazy - it's that people love weddings and the happiness that surrounds them.

maiav3

I have had a similar experience with my wedding. I was friends with a girl in high school who always considered herself to be one of my best friends even though we weren't very close. She moved to Indiana for college and I came to Dallas and we have talked maybe once every 6 months since then. I invited her to my wedding, but she was deeply offended that I didn't ask her to be in my bridal party, and called me out on it! I didn't want to be totally callous by just outright telling her we weren't that good friends, but instead I just kind of sidestepped the issue. What is wrong with people?? I would NEVER assume I would be in someone's bridal party, and certainly never mention it to them!

josanna87

To have lost touch for over a year- I wouldn't have bothered inviting her either. Feelings hurt or not, that's your day to be queen! So don't let that bother you!! Alot of people use weddings as excuses to drink, find flings, and get tacky gifts that bride and groom will never use.

But I do understand where she is coming from. I work with this girl who just recently got married. But before she got married she was asking me for help on proof reading save the dates and the actual invitations. She needed help finding music for the reception and we got a list together and we designed center pieces. Well a week before the wedding she ended up giving everyone else and invitation except me- for the simple fact that I knew her fiance's ex girlfriend- whom I have not spoken to in lets say 3 to 4 years. Sad.

cuppatea

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_friend-upset-she-wasnt-invited?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:254aba8b-5801-43c8-b83c-b3b999ff16b3Post:11cff9ff-1379-4a51-8a40-a3918db0eed9">Re: friend is upset she wasn't invited, what to do?</a>:
[QUOTE]People get really crazy with weddings for some reason. I have had several people ask to be invited and then when I tried to explain to them very politely that we are having a small wedding with just our family and and a few friends they still get angry at me. A few people asked me if I was joking when I told them they weren't invited. I had people ask if they can "bring a few friends" with them if they pay for them to be there. I told them we didn't have enough room at the venue we are having the reception at and then heard them say something about sneaking them in after the dinner. Bringing a date is one thing, but bringing a few of your friends to hang out and drink is another. Has anyone else had any ridiculous instances like this??
Posted by KOKILUJ[/QUOTE]

LOL,  this is hilarious to me because I have heard some crazy things since announcing my wedding.  My fiance was out with friends one night and knowing he would see many of his friends he would invite to the wedding, he took the invitations with him.  Big mistake! As he's passing them out, other people he knows (who are not invited) steals a few he left sitting on a table.  They even had other people's names on them! Of cousre my FI was upset and when he told his friends, one in particular jumped to the defense of the people who stole the invitations.  When my FI said he didn't want the ladies at our wedding, his friend said he would pay their way since money is such a big deal to us! He totally doesn't understand that the wedding is for us, paid for by us and we only want people we are close to there.  Some people are absolutely unbelievable.

jokingwitya

I think you are forgetting that your wedding is about everyone else and not you and your FI.  Seriously though, this is exactly what i'm experiencing.  Everyone wants a say, everyone wants to be included and the cold hard fact is that you want to be surrounded by your closest friends & family on your wedding day and there's a budget.  I think that woman is tacky and selfish and you'll probably cross a few more of those on your way to the aisle.  Remember...it IS about you and your FI regardless of what anyone else thinks or feels.  Keep your head up and don't give it another thought.  Your going to marry the man of your dreams!

lisa12982

Isn't it funny how the minute you annouce you're getting married, everyone know whether you barely know them or not expects they should be invited to the wedding?!
I was in the same boat.  I was very close friends with one girl in college, but our friendship kind of drifted junior year as we got to know others and move on with majors, boyfriends, other friends, internships, etc.
She got married straight out of college and invited me to her wedding, but that was 4 years ago and I haven't really spoken with her since.  I'm not inviting her to our wedding even though she invited me to hers.  I mean 4 years is a long time to not speak to someone, but ultimately it's YOUR wedding.  If you were drifting to begin with, then don't take offense.  OBviously she though differently about the friendship than you did.  Are you going to be hurt if you're not invited to her wedding?   If not, then don't worry about.  I'm sure you were kind of shocked when you got the email, but you can always use the budget, location excuse.  I would also be honest and even say that we've drifted and aren't really even involved in each other's lives!

kathyhm

According to Miss Manners, you explain that your wedding will be very small with only family and very close friends.   Miss Manners' definition of a small wedding is any wedding to which the person you are talking to is not invited.

KathyHM

katy758498

I have a similar problem, I worked at a chain restaurant for 4 1/2 years, there were about 150 employees at any given time, which rotated A LOT, so I have many many aquaintences from college/working.  But my family & my fiance's family is HUGE. With just current co-workers, family & very close friends, our guest list is pushing 300.  I had one person call my mother saying she was hurt that she wasnt invited, but she was my AUNT! I had so many invites that I inadvertently overlooked her. In that case, I see no problem, but I talk to her and write her all the time.  If it were some friend from my freshman year, I'd tell them my reception hall is packed, I literally have no more room.  Secretly, I really want people to rsvp no, because then I'll have room for a dance floor!

ErinandGlenn

I'm in a similar situation, in that I had talked to a friend about my wedding but since then her and her husband have un-friended me on facebook for deleting their rude and hurtful posts from my wall. I just let it die, and their invitation didn't get sent. Opps. I know that after the wedding they will be angry again, but really!?

Don't get too upset. People drift apart, some with more grace than others.

Sagenhaft

I had a similiar situation, but I gave in and actually invited the girl (we HAD been best friends for years, afterall and only drifted apart in the last 3ish years). She RSVP'd by writing on my facebook wall "I lost my response card but it doesnt matter because I wouldn't have been able to make it anyway. Good luck though!"

For such a fuss, it was wonderfully tackless. Lesson learned, don't give in to pressure.

ZKStevens2010

I have worked with high school girls for about 3 years now, and a lot of those girls who have graduated or have grown close to me have asked if they are invited.  I talked to my caterer, and as long as I don't go overboard he told me that I can have tons of them "help" pour drinks/serve/bus etc.  Thats how I've dealt with this problem, I just ask those girls if I can ask them to help.  It's worked so far.

julie&wade

It is reassuring to know, I am not the only bride going through this.  I have had so many people that want to know every detail, just assuming they are invited. I even have a couple of girls that have called me to find out why they aren't bridesmaids, and in my head I'm thinking "you're not even invited to the wedding". 

Some people go seriously nuts over weddings, as if it's a status symbol.  I come from a very large, very close family, so anyone who hasn't made an effort to be in my life is not on the guest list.

It sounds like you have handled the situation the best you can, and the best thing about communicating with email is that delete button.  I wouldn't let anyone ruin your big day