Who gets to plan??

ladybug2604

I am slightly overwhelmed at the moment and thought I'd ask for some advice.  Future hubby and I are debating (read arguing ) about who is involved in the planning of our wedding.  Surprisingly enough, he has been involved in almost everything that we have planned on.  He works afternoons so it is easy for us to schedule appts in the morning and then head to work.  This has created tension between my mother and I, because she feels somewhat left out.  I have been trying to involve her as much as possible and she seems better about it all.  (My parents are paying for a major chunk of everything and I certainly didn't want her feeling left out!)

Now, I have also tried to include my mother-in-law, but both times I have asked her to go with she has declined.  My future hubby keeps saying she should be more involved, but I am not one to beg for help and she has not even offered her help.  Now, he also tells me that I should have included my future SIL in flower-girl dress shopping. 

I want everyone to feel involved, but I have had a hard enough time trying to include my own mother.  I work and go to school and can barely find time to plan on my own, let alone involve people who live over an hour away from me. 

Is it so unreasonable to feel like they should offer help if they want to?  Also, is it terrible to think that it is right that the Bride's family is more involved than the groom's?  I am trying very hard to make everyone happy and future hubby just keeps pushing it   Thanks ladies!

MeaghanandMichael

I love your name is lady bug, NFT. Come on oldies.

nurse.misty

If parents are paying then they get a say in anything their money is being used for. You've extended invitations to FIL's, they declined. So FI shouldn't be upset with you about that. If it's that important to him though, maybe ask FMIL if there is any aspect of the wedding that she would like to be involved with. That way you aren't inviting her to something she has no interest in. Other than that, if she isn't paying for anything you aren't obligated to include her. Just explain to FI that it was her choice not to be inlcuded, and it's perfectly ok for her to make that decision.

ladybug2604

The "who's paying" comment is kind of where the whole problem lies for me, I suppose.  FILs are paying for the rehearsal dinner and a chunk of the honeymoon.  Future hubby looks at it that instead of paying for the big day, he assumes they will give us a big gift.  I am trying to balance it all, but not everyone can help   I invited FMIL to go to a generic bridal expo to look at everything and to shop for the dress she will wear if she wanted my opinion.  I would hope she would be interested in those things, but unfortunately she was not.  Now, to make matters worse....she has decided to throw us a shower for her side of the family.  She did not offer this, she just told us it would happen and it will be more like a backyard barbecue with men and women then like a formal women's bridal shower.  Not only has she just decided this, she has also said that her guests should not be invited to the formal shower that my mother is throwing for me.  Shouldn't I have been asked what kind of shower I wanted?  Is it so bad to want one big shower for everyone?

ootmother2

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_gets-plan?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:289bb957-fa06-4429-8747-30545bbe88d8Post:4bd628c9-e969-4e69-9d19-e38709131ae7">Re: Who gets to plan??</a>:
[QUOTE]I love your name is lady bug, NFT. Come on oldies.
Posted by MeaghanandMichael[/QUOTE]

eff you, M&M.  I write, I call, do you ever email me back?

NO

nurse.misty

If FMIL is paying for the RD, then that's what she gets her say in. You should be allowed to have a say in who you want invited to a shower for you, but honestly, if she's paying she gets to decide the final guest list. You can certainly decline the shower (no bride=no shower), but it would probably hurt your relationship with her. Sometimes it's better to just go along with it. I do agree that if they are invited to her shower, it isn't necessary to invite them to the second shower for your family/friends. It's not bad to want one big shower, but I'd consider if it's really worth starting a family feud over a shower.

Avion22

Eh, I disagree with the whole, "whoever pays gets final say" thing.    If my FMIL buys me a sweater, does she have final say on how and where I wear it?  What dresser drawer I keep it in?  No, of course not.  A gift comes with no strings attached.  I would send her a nice thank-you card, and make sure she sees me wearing the sweater the next time we go to dinner.

How is a wedding any different?  If my parents OFFER to help pay (without being asked), then that is a gift, presumably given with no strings attached.    I would do my best to respect their wishes, but I do NOT think their gift to me constitutes "final say" in how my wedding is conducted.

For the OP:   I think you're already handling this as diplomatically as you can.  Invite your mom and FMIL to accompany you to appointments, and involve them in the planning where you think it's appropriate.  If they don't come with you, then they probably don't want to be (or don't have time to be) involved.  It might be nice to include your FSIL if it's convenient, but I don't think it's necessary.  If you fiance thinks that his mom feels left out, then maybe there is something else going on that he can help you figure out...maybe there is something specific she wants that she isn't verbalizing to you.

ladybug2604

I completely agree about not starting a feud about the shower.  I am extremely grateful to her for doing that for us.  Thanks ladies

lyndausvi

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_gets-plan?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:289bb957-fa06-4429-8747-30545bbe88d8Post:bac38576-0769-4c78-9d5e-f9071d486b80">Re: Who gets to plan??</a>:
[QUOTE]Eh, I disagree with the whole, "whoever pays gets final say" thing.    If my FMIL buys me a sweater, does she have final say on how and where I wear it?  What dresser drawer I keep it in?  No, of course not.  A gift comes with no strings attached.  I would send her a nice thank-you card, and make sure she sees me wearing the sweater the next time we go to dinner. How is a wedding any different?  If my parents OFFER to help pay (without being asked), then that is a gift, presumably given with no strings attached.    I would do my best to respect their wishes, but I do NOT think their gift to me constitutes "final say" in how my wedding is conducted. For the OP:   I think you're already handling this as diplomatically as you can.  Invite your mom and FMIL to accompany you to appointments, and involve them in the planning where you think it's appropriate.  If they don't come with you, then they probably don't want to be (or don't have time to be) involved.  It might be nice to include your FSIL if it's convenient, but I don't think it's necessary.  If you fiance thinks that his mom feels left out, then maybe there is something else going on that he can help you figure out...maybe there is something specific she wants that she isn't verbalizing to you.
Posted by Avion22[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Umm.. if really depends on how your parents view the 'gift'.  Some parents gift money to be used for the wedding.</div><div>
</div><div>Others like, my parents say the gift is the reception  NOT the money used to pay for the reception.   Does that make sense?   We planned the wedding together because it was their money and I didn't know the budget (never knew the final bill).  Our tastes were 100% taken into consideration.</div><div>
</div><div>If some throws you a party they are the ones who set the budget and do all the planning, hopefully with your wishes in mind.  If parents gift the party, not the money, then they should have a say in the planning.  </div><div>
</div><div>
</div><div>OP - It's not unusual to have a shower for each side of the family.  Actually I think it's better that way, large showers can be overwhelming.  I would not invite that side to the other shower.  The hosts of the formal shower will thank you in the end because their guest list was just cut in half.   

</div><div>If your flower girl is the FSIL daughter then yes she should be involved in picking out the dress.  Other than that I can't see a reason why she needs to be there.</div><div>
</div><div>
</div>

Avion22

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_gets-plan?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:289bb957-fa06-4429-8747-30545bbe88d8Post:9f106ca7-5ed5-4ee7-93a9-b1978b95fbc7">Re: Who gets to plan??</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Who gets to plan?? : Umm.. if really depends on how your parents view the 'gift'.  Some parents gift money to be used for the wedding. Others like, my parents say the gift is the reception  NOT the money used to pay for the reception.   Does that make sense?   We planned the wedding together because it was their money and I didn't know the budget (never knew the final bill).  Our tastes were 100% taken into consideration. If some throws you a party they are the ones who set the budget and do all the planning, hopefully with your wishes in mind.  If parents gift the party, not the money, then they should have a say in the planning.   OP - It's not unusual to have a shower for each side of the family.  Actually I think it's better that way, large showers can be overwhelming.  I would not invite that side to the other shower.  The hosts of the formal shower will thank you in the end because their guest list was just cut in half.    If your flower girl is the FSIL daughter then yes she should be involved in picking out the dress.  Other than that I can't see a reason why she needs to be there.
Posted by lyndausvi[/QUOTE]

I guess that makes sense. 

tayylor65

Especially since your parents are paying a major chunk, I can understand your FMIL is staying out of the plans (mine has as well) as it's your day/wedding to plan like you'd like.

Rather than leaving every part of planning up to chance of who will be apart of it, outline what you do with your mother and what you and your FI do.  Ex-dress shopping-go with your mom and invite your FMIL.  Photographer-schedule initial appointments with your mom and then your and your FI narrow it down (or go with both or vice versa).  Even without having your mom at the appointments you can make her feel included by calling her after and filling her in on pros/cons.  If she's paying though, she should be at the appointments, IMO.

nurse.misty

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_gets-plan?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:289bb957-fa06-4429-8747-30545bbe88d8Post:bac38576-0769-4c78-9d5e-f9071d486b80">Re: Who gets to plan??</a>:
[QUOTE]Eh, I disagree with the whole, "whoever pays gets final say" thing. Posted by Avion22[/QUOTE]

The only thing I said anyone got final say in was FMIL on the guest list for a party she's throwing for OP. I didn't say anything about the person paying getting final say on anything else wedding related. However. if somebody offers their money for something they get a say in how it is to be used, not necessarily the final say, but a say none the less.

bmoruzzi

I think you should do what you want.  A wedding is stressful enough.  You don't need to worry about everyone else as well.  You offer for people to accompany you.  If they don't want to/can't make it, it's not your problem.  

Kmcgrail1190

I have the same issue when it comes to planning my wedding and the decision that I've come to, is I just asked the immediate people that should want to help plan if they want to or not and what they want to help with, if they cant give me an answer they can take a hike. Period.

jessicabessica

If your FI is worried that his mother isn't involved enough, I think he should talk to her.  I agree with you that you don't need to beg her to go shopping, but if he thinks she's declining out of politeness and is secretly hurt, he needs to address that with her.  

DNAtime

I have  been kind of struggling with the same thing.  My parents are paying for some things for our wedding and i feel like I am not including my mom enough. However, whats done is done.  Plus whenever I ask her about meeting with a vendor with me, she can't ever make any appointments that the vendor can. 

I agree that if your FI is worried about his family being invovled thats kind of his issue, not yours. You invited her to a few things, if she doesn't want to come, she doesn't want to come. 

Ultimately it is up to you and your FI to plan your wedding together. If people are contributing money they may want to be invovled in planning but if the parents aren't complaining I would leave it be.

wadingmoose

I agree M&M.  I had to open this just for the name. 

Poor girl.