Letter to Bridesmaids-please critique!!!

seesawgirl

Ok, so, I'm having an issue getting all of my bridesmaids together to find dresses. The wedding is less than 4 months away, and I'm slightly worried that if we don't get a move on, we won't have time to get them fitted. So I'm emailing all of them, but I want to make sure the email doesn't sound bitchy or whatever. Also, I'm worried that the reason why they are avoiding me, is because they can't afford to go shopping, and I'm trying to find a tactful way to tell them that A) They don't have to spend an insane amount of money on it, they can get it used if need be. and That if money is a serious issue, to let me know, and I'll help as much as I can. 

Here's the letter-

Hey there! I'm wanting to plan a day for all of the bridesmaids to get together and find dresses and shoes for the wedding, and just kind of hang out together, maybe do lunch or dinner. The next month or so will be the best time to find something cute, because all the stores will be coming out with their spring dresses. I'd like to go to Fort Smith to do this, because I know there are some awesome discount stores down there, but if we have to stay in Fayetteville, that would be fine too. Anyways, I have Saturdays, Sundays, and Tuesdays off work, so one of those days would be the best. Please let me know ASAP what day of the week works best for each of you guys, and I'll come up with a date about a month from now, so if you don't have regular days off, you can have time to ask that day off. I'd REALLY like all of you girls to meet! 

Valerie

crash2729

I would just say, 

Hey we need to get moving on bm dresses. I want to go to Fort Smith to do this o go to the outlet stores. What days do you have off so I can try to find a day that works with everyone's schedule? 

Thanks. 

But I usually don't like to be wordy.

froggatt.clare

I know it is tempting to want to do all wedding-related things with your bridesmaids.  They are your close friends and this is an exciting time for you that you want to share.

Before you set appointments, discuss with each woman individually her budget for a dress, then go with the lowest commom denominator.  No one should go into debt over a wedding, and it sounds like you understand this, but you need to talk about this in a phone or face to face conversation rather than in a mass email.

They don't all NEED to go with you to find the dress.  If you find one you like, in their price range, you may just give them the ordering information and when the order must be placed by.  Or you could find a few you like and get input via photos.

Emails can seem a little anonymous and impersonal.  By all means send an intro email if they don't all know each other or have each others' contact info, but then keep mass emails to a minimum.  Communicate with them the same way you would if you weren't getting married at all, but just asking them how they are doing.

redheadfsu

I would send...

"Hey! I'm wanting to plan a day for all of the bridesmaids to get together and find dresses and shoes for the wedding. I'd like to go to Fort Smith (for the discount stores) but we can stay in Fayetteville. I would like to go in the next month or so. Please let me know what day of the week works best for each of you guys. Also let me know the budget range you can afford, just in case you can't make it. Thanks"

kate2188

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_letter-bridesmaids-please-critique?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:292cd261-9bb8-426c-a67e-f3319c213c92Post:736177e9-c63d-48ad-bc6d-fee8e9d0550f">Re: Letter to Bridesmaids-please critique!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]I would send... "Hey! I'm wanting to plan a day for all of the bridesmaids to get together and find dresses and shoes for the wedding. I'd like to go to Fort Smith (for the discount stores) but we can stay in Fayetteville. I would like to go in the next month or so. Please let me know what day of the week works best for each of you guys. A<strong>lso let me know the budget range you can afford, just in case you can't make it.</strong> Thanks"
Posted by redheadfsu[/QUOTE]

<div>I like this a lot. I think this is a good way to make sure you aren't blowing anybody's budget out of the water if they can't attend.</div><div>
</div><div>I also don't think that what you had sounded bitchy or rude or anything.</div>

StephBeanWed61502

It can be really hard to get that many people together at once.  I would suggest that you give them a specific date/time instead of just leaving it up to them to tell you when they're free - "I'd like to go to Fort Smith next Saturday, who's in?"  Then they'll either get back to you and say "I am" or "sorry can't make it" and from there, you can figure out what day they can make it.  Also, it's okay to go on a day when the majority of them can make it and just let the person/people who can't make it know what dress the group picked.  I have three OOT bridesmaids (out of 5), and only one could make it here for shopping, so I just went with her and the two local bridesmaids, and then told the other girls what we picked, and that worked out fine.

jessicabessica

Are you planning to have your bridesmaids get specific shoes?  Generally, if you are requiring particular accessories, including shoes, you should pay for these extras.  If you think some of your bridesmaids are concerned about affording the dress, let them pick their own shoes and wear things that they already have (you could give a general guideline, like silver sandals).

seesawgirl

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_letter-bridesmaids-please-critique?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:292cd261-9bb8-426c-a67e-f3319c213c92Post:9831f734-094b-471e-8636-db11b219a170">Re: Letter to Bridesmaids-please critique!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]Are you planning to have your bridesmaids get specific shoes?  Generally, if you are requiring particular accessories, including shoes, you should pay for these extras.  If you think some of your bridesmaids are concerned about affording the dress, let them pick their own shoes and wear things that they already have (you could give a general guideline, like silver sandals).
Posted by jessicabessica[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>No, I'm not requiring anything other than they wear green, knee length vintage style or sun dress. It can be pretty much any shade they want, same with shoes, just as long as they are brown heels with a vintage feel. </div><div>
</div><div>Thanks for the advice!</div>

skantrowitz

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_letter-bridesmaids-please-critique?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:292cd261-9bb8-426c-a67e-f3319c213c92Post:0581d62e-062f-4c5b-a9f7-7c2da6b1b79e">Re: Letter to Bridesmaids-please critique!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]Since you aren't requiring one certain dress, they could each go shopping whenever they had time and just get their own dress, yes? If so I'd pick a date and time to go and if they can't make it they can find a dress on their own or maybe you could go shopping one-on-one with whoever can't make it.
Posted by bree4305[/QUOTE]



I agree with this, especially if they don't all know each other. Even if they do, it might be hard to coordinate schedules. If you're not requiring a specific color (all green is okay vs. a specific shade from one designer), then they can all go to stores they like and pick something out.

seesawgirl

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_letter-bridesmaids-please-critique?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:292cd261-9bb8-426c-a67e-f3319c213c92Post:c7177131-64ca-4765-9894-fdba1170aaee">Re: Letter to Bridesmaids-please critique!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Letter to Bridesmaids-please critique!!! : I agree with this, especially if they don't all know each other. Even if they do, it might be hard to coordinate schedules. If you're not requiring a specific color (all green is okay vs. a specific shade from one designer), then they can all go to stores they like and pick something out.
Posted by skantrowitz[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>See, this is what I'd been planning on doing all along, but have ran into 2 issues. One being that all 4 of them are dragging their feet to get this done. None of them have a dress yet, and sometimes with vintage dresses, you'll find one that is awesome, but not in your size, and it needs to be altered, because theres not going to be a rack of other sizes behind it. Time is quickly running out to get this done. </div><div>
</div><div>Second problem is that while green is my favorite color, and is the color that the girls will be wearing, there are some shades that I absolutely find disgusting, and they seem to run rampant in vintage styles. I don't want the girls up there looking like we dyed their dresses with the contents of a baby diaper, KWIM?</div><div>
</div><div>Thanks for everyone's advice!</div>

seesawgirl

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_letter-bridesmaids-please-critique?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:292cd261-9bb8-426c-a67e-f3319c213c92Post:407d8967-e090-432a-aacc-b7ba3525f631">Re: Letter to Bridesmaids-please critique!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]Do you need the dresses to actually be vintage, then? I've seen plenty of bridesmaids dresses or just regular dresses that have a vintage-y, old fashioned feel but aren't actually vintage. Maybe you could email them pictures of dresses you like, show them the color you want, and then let them figure it out.
Posted by cebrady89[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>No, they don't have to be. I'd prefer it, since we are going for a eco friendly-vintage wedding, but its not a requirement. </div>

sark425

I would just find out the budget of the bridesmaids and just pick out the dresses for them.  If someone told me to find any vintagey green knee length dress I would drag my feet too-mainly because I wouldn't really know where to look since I have a closet full of black and grey dresses.  As a 8 time bridesmaid I find it easiest when the bride just tell me exactly what dress to order and be done with it.  

If you are able to shop with a few of your BMs than great, but I think a vintage green dress is a pretty tough find.

Good luck!

mkrupar

OP there's a regular poster on here who was a BM in her friend's wedding where the requirements for the dress were grey, vintage, knee length, etc. It was next to impossible for her to find a dress that she liked, the bride approved of, and fit the requirements. I remember her finding things she loved, but then the bride shot down.

I suggest you find some silhouettes from a bridal store (or any regular store for that matter) that you like in a couple shades of green that you like, and send them pictures, let them know what stores they could find the dresses at, then trust them to get the dresses on time.

With that many options I would personally feel overwhelmed with trying to find a dress.

crash2729

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_letter-bridesmaids-please-critique?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:292cd261-9bb8-426c-a67e-f3319c213c92Post:38cc7130-f740-4508-9fd2-51fa8f1bd613">Re: Letter to Bridesmaids-please critique!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Letter to Bridesmaids-please critique!!! : See, this is what I'd been planning on doing all along, but have ran into 2 issues. One being that all 4 of them are dragging their feet to get this done. None of them have a dress yet, and sometimes with vintage dresses, you'll find one that is awesome, but not in your size, and it needs to be altered, because theres not going to be a rack of other sizes behind it. Time is quickly running out to get this done.  Second problem is that while green is my favorite color, and is the color that the girls will be wearing, t<strong>here are some shades that I absolutely find disgusting, and they seem to run rampant in vintage styles.</strong> I don't want the girls up there looking like we dyed their dresses with the contents of a baby diaper, KWIM? Thanks for everyone's advice!
Posted by seesawgirl[/QUOTE]

<div>Then I would suggest you give them 2--3 shades of green to find. Also...even if the dresses have to be altered you still have plenty of time. I ordered my BM dresses yesterday. If you are planning on buying off the shelf I think you're good on time.</div>

32daisies

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_letter-bridesmaids-please-critique?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:292cd261-9bb8-426c-a67e-f3319c213c92Post:1c9aba99-3453-459d-a43f-7516e227c7a7">Re: Letter to Bridesmaids-please critique!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]I would just find out the budget of the bridesmaids and just pick out the dresses for them.  If someone told me to find any vintagey green knee length dress I would drag my feet too-mainly because I wouldn't really know where to look since I have a closet full of black and grey dresses.  As a 8 time bridesmaid I find it easiest when the bride just tell me exactly what dress to order and be done with it.   If you are able to shop with a few of your BMs than great, but I think a vintage green dress is a pretty tough find. Good luck!
Posted by sark425[/QUOTE]

This. I'm an oft-time bridesmaid myself (only five times, you've got me beat) and I would frankly hate to be told to find something like that on my own. I wouldn't have the first clue, and then I'd be very afraid I was getting it wrong. Not to mention, my time is limited -- I work two jobs, I don't have time to cruise all kinds of stores. I'd much, much rather do with the OP suggested, pick a day to get together, find a dress, and be done with it. Honestly, I wouldn't change a word of your email, I think it's great.

There seems to be a feeling around, sometimes, that you should always give your bridesmaids as much choice and input and decision-making as possible. I get that we're all just trying to be nice, but, saying this as a bridesmaid, not as a bride, I sometimes think some of us ladies go to far. When you agree to be a bridesmaid, you are signing up to *be* a bridesmaid. No bride has ever told me to pick out my own dress, or color, and I didn't expect her to. I'm honored to be asked and there to support my friend, the bride. End of story. If she wants me in a burlap bag, she gets me in a burlap bag. Just tell me where to buy it, and it's done. Because she asked, and I said yes. I could have said no. I have said no. When I couldn't afford it, or knew I couldn't be available, I've regretfully and kindly declined, and just felt honored to have been asked. But once I've agreed, I give it my bridesmaid all. Just my $0.02.

StephBeanWed61502

Requiring them to find actual vintage dresses is probably why they're dragging their feet... personally, I love vintage and consignment stuff, but I have some friends who are absolutely squicked out by the thought of wearing something previously owned (and worn) by someone else.  Plus, most vintage/consignment places I've encountered tend to be overstuffed, disorganized, and hard to navigate.  I like "the hunt," so I find them fun, but I could imagine some of my friends walking into that type of environment and walking right back out because they can't stand the chaos.  Instead of just saying "vintage," it might help to give them more specific guidelines, like fabric, length, straps v. strapless, etc.

Irishcurls

Like PPs have said, while you think you're giving them tons of leeway in finding one, meeting all those requirements, PLUS not one of the shades you loathe is actually more of a hassle than just buying whatever dress you choose. Finding four off the rack dresses like that, that you don't hate is such a PITA if you ask me, and that requires you to be there with each of them, regardless of whether they can all go at the same time. So you could conceivably be going shopping four times in the next month or so. 

I think either you (general you) give them a few guidelines and are fine giving up that control, or you're kidding yourself and it's easier to just pick a few options and tell them to wear them. 

jaycee7389

I would eliminate the part about going out to dinner if you think they are already on a budget.

What about picking out a few dresses with your MOH, sending them pictures, getting a vote, and then they can get fitted on their own time.

NOLAbridealmost

If you want all the girls to get together on the same day to shop and meet each other, I'd tell them that lunch would be on me. That's what I did for my girls. They were buying the dress and taking the time to go shop at the same time; the least I could do was pick up the tab at Panera.