Invitations and Step Parents

[Deleted User]

All these invitation questions have got me thinking. My parents are paying the majority of our wedding, us filling in the rest, FI's parents not contributing. My FI's parents are both divorced and remarried, but neither step parent really raised him (he lived with his dad, not his mom and stepdad, growing up and FFIL didn't marry FSMIL until FI was 16). We were planning on going with:

Mr. and Ms. Bride's parents request the honor of your presence at the marriage of their daughter
Bride to Groom
Son of Mrs. Groom's mom and Mr. Groom's dad

We liked this because it had his mom's name instead of having her as just "Mrs. Stepfather" and because he's not as close necessarily with the steps. Is that ok? My mom thought it was, as traditionally only the brides parents were on there anyway and as this still honors his actual parents, but now I'm having a panic moment.

achiduck

Before you have the inviations printed I would have him talk to his mom and dad to see how their respective spouses feel about being left off the invitation. It's a small thing but some people get really butt-hurt over it.

We went with "together with their families..." to avoid the entire situation.

Jen4948

Well, "together with their families" is an option, but I have to agree that being mentioned on an invitation isn't an "honor." 

One doesn't get there by simply conceiving the bride or groom, marrying one of their parents, or paying for the wedding, because the invitation isn't a playbill that lists all the "players."  That can be accomplished with a program at the ceremony.

One gets there by performing "hosting" functions-meaning one is a "point person" of the wedding, by issuing the invitation, communicating with the guest, and greeting the guest at the wedding.  So it's not something that people should get their feelings hurt over by not being mentioned.  It's really too bad that people do.

JaxInBlue

Agree with PPs.  I have two step-parents (one very much involved in my upbringing, the other I gained in my early 20s); selectively listing parents and spouses would not have flown in my family and DH's parents were not particular about our invite wording, so we used "together with their families" on our invitations.

Your FI should talk to his parents.  Give them the opportunity to suggest how their spouses should be listed.  I agree with achiduck: this is not something to cause hurt feelings over, unintentionally or otherwise.

[Deleted User]

Thanks all. I'm sorry about my confusion over the "honor" thing. I get what you're saying, but FI was very adamant that his parents be on the invite as well as in the programs (steps will definitely be in the programs). He just wasn't as sure/into putting the steps on the invite, so I thought I'd see what others say. My parents don't want "together with their families" so that's not an option for us. I'll get on FI to talk to his mom and dad and figure out if anyone would be hurt otherwise.

Thanks again for the advice!

itzMS

We had a very similar situation (neither DH or I consider our stepparents "parents"). DH & I paid for most of the wedding, and all parents contributed some. We asked, and all of the parents desired to be named on the invitation with their spouses, of course. Yikes. It went something like this:

Jane Ann Smith (Me)

and

Mark Thomas Johnson (DH)

Together with their families
Sue and James White (my mom and stepdad)
Mary Thompson (DH's mom...not remarried)
Katherine and Robert Johnson (DH's stepmom and father)

Request the honor of your presense....blah blah blah

ETA: My birth father is deceased...to clear up any confusion as to why he's not listed.

Jen4948

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_invitations-and-step-parents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2a6eec84-9305-4132-9ce3-e2f61ae41495Post:217f7fac-f7d2-4705-b956-844b99c5ef8d">Re: Invitations and Step Parents</a>:
[QUOTE]I can understand why parents who are the only parents paying any substantial amounts feel slighted to have invite say, togethor with their family.  
Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]

I can understand that too, but I think these people are forgetting what an invitation is for-and it isn't to be "honored."  No matter how much who is paying, you can't buy your way onto a wedding invitation.

arendiva

My opinion on this subject doesn't have any roots in ettiquette, but I'd just like to say that any parents putting up a stink about "together with our families" need to grow up. There's no reason to have 5 sets of names (including the Bride and Groom) on one invite. Talk about missing the point of a wedding invitation. You're supposed to use the space inviting guests and providing useful information like time, date, location etc. If I got an invite with 4 sets of parents listed I would roll my eyes and think it was ridiculous.

itzMS

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_invitations-and-step-parents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:2a6eec84-9305-4132-9ce3-e2f61ae41495Post:68506c52-002a-4dc2-bd4b-e81a97d10c59">Re: Invitations and Step Parents</a>:
[QUOTE]My opinion on this subject doesn't have any roots in ettiquette, but I'd just like to say that any parents putting up a stink about "together with our families" need to grow up. There's no reason to have 5 sets of names (including the Bride and Groom) on one invite. Talk about missing the point of a wedding invitation. You're supposed to use the space inviting guests and providing useful information like time, date, location etc. If I got an invite with 4 sets of parents listed I would roll my eyes and think it was ridiculous.
Posted by arendiva[/QUOTE]

<div align="left">I'm of the opposite opinion. I think "together with our families/parents" alone is silly.

It really is a matter of just that...opinion, I guess. Life is short. It meant a lot to our parents to name them, so we did. I guess we assumed we were all "hosting" our guests/friends/family.

We had more than enough room to have the date, time, and location.</div>

rsanna

*headdesk* Of course, this post would serve as a batsignal.

arendiva

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_invitations-and-step-parents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2a6eec84-9305-4132-9ce3-e2f61ae41495Post:0d0e75df-0205-4da7-bfa1-d867c47442ff">Re: Invitations and Step Parents</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Invitations and Step Parents : I'm of the opposite opinion. I think "together with our families/parents" alone is silly. It really is a matter of just that...opinion, I guess. Life is short. It meant a lot to our parents to name them, so we did. I guess we assumed we were all "hosting" our guests/friends/family. We had more than enough room to have the date, time, and location.
Posted by itzMS[/QUOTE]

It's fine if you want to do that. Like you said everyone has different preferences. My point was that parents shouldn't be offended because you DON'T want your invite cluttered with 5 sets of names. I think parents should be adults and not sweat the small stuff. I would catagorize invite wording as small stuff.

MrsGandthebeag

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_invitations-and-step-parents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2a6eec84-9305-4132-9ce3-e2f61ae41495Post:debf6c2c-243d-4a9e-8526-71a8dbb73000">Re: Invitations and Step Parents</a>:
[QUOTE]*headdesk* Of course, this post would serve as a batsignal.
Posted by rsanna[/QUOTE]

<div>lmao</div>

OliveOilsMom

OP, the only thing I would add is that putting "and" between two people indicates marriage.  So if you decide to list FI's parents, I would list them one after another.  For example,

FI's name
son of
FI's mother
FI's father

It would be longer, but more proper.

marisa176

How does this work if only Bride's dad is remarried? My parents and my fiance's parents are both divorced. Both of his parents are remarried. Only my father is remarried. I don't foresee my mother contributing a lot to the wedding, but I know she would be upset if she wasn't listed. Oh and my mother didn't change her name after the divorce, so it would read something like "Mr. and Mrs. Smith  and Ms. Smith request your presence..." or whatever? That seems odd to me. Should I list my mother's maiden name as well? I'll tackle the issue of possibly naming his parents if they choose to contribute. 

Sorry for tacking on to this post, but I didn't see the point in creating an all new thread. 

Jen4948

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_invitations-and-step-parents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2a6eec84-9305-4132-9ce3-e2f61ae41495Post:719ef56a-24bb-412f-869b-b0e4abdcf938">Re: Invitations and Step Parents</a>:
[QUOTE]Yes, Jewish invitations always have both sets of parents on them.  That is a different rule of etiquette, though.
Posted by CMGr[/QUOTE]

No, not "always."  I'm Jewish, and a cousin of mine and his fiancee (now wife) used an invitation that didn't mention parents at all.  I've seen other invitations to Jewish weddings that did not mention the groom's parents.

Kristin789

Original Poster Vonclancy:
I don't think you should put JUST his mom's name and dad's name.  Both are remarried.  Even though the stepparents did not RAISE him, when those people married his mom/dad, they understood that they are now in a family that has a son.  So I would suggest:

Mr. and Ms. Bride's parents request the honor of your presence at the marriage of their daughter
Bride to Groom
Son of Mr. and Mrs. MOG'sNewHusband'sName and Mr. and Mrs. FOG.

Kristin789

Marisa176:
You wrote:  How does this work if only Bride's dad is remarried? My parents and my fiance's parents are both divorced. Both of his parents are remarried. Only my father is remarried.

Answer:  Your mom, being a divorced woman, uses her given first name.  So your invitation would start like this:

Mrs. Jane Doe
Mr. and Mrs. John Doe
request the honour of your presence
at the wedding of their daughter
Marisa Ann
to
Mr. Brandon Jones
son of Mr. and Mrs. MOG'sNewHusband'sName and Mr. and Mrs. Carl Jones