Curious if I'm odd...

AdeleDazeem

It's slow... so I'm going to ask this!  It's not an etiquette question...

Everyone says that if you live together, getting engaged isn't really all that different.  I'm finding that not to be the case. 

My fiance and I have been engaged for nearly 9 months, but dated and lived together for the past six years (living together a two years).  We know each other, we love each other, and I have no hesitations about marrying him.

The difference isn't between he and I!  I feel it from the outside world.  Like, I'm half of something instead of being whole on my own.  I feel like I'm JoyandJay (one word) instead of Joy and Jay (two separate people).

Did anyone else feel this way?  Am I totally crazy?  Am I even explaining this well...?  Most people look at me like I have two heads when I try to explain this, so I'm feeling like I'm a freak... 

ThePinkSuperhero

I'm not entirely sure I follow.  You're confused that people treat you and your live-in FI like you're already married?

bbyckes

Yeah, I get it.  Like you have to run things by each other instead of say, accepting an invitation on your own.  Or people might ask, "well, what does jay think about that?"  I think that's normal to feel that way and takes some getting used to.

thesuninherhead

I daresay that your feelings are stemming from an internal discomfort with being regarded as a 'unit' with your FI, rather than external cues, given that no one else seems to have experienced the same thing. For me, nothing at all changed- aside from the fact that I was wearing a ring on my finger. 

AdeleDazeem

No... it's such a subtle difference.

Pre engagement, we each had more individuality.  He did his thing, I did mine.  Now, we're given odd looks if we don't do things together. 

Horrid example - please excuse me - but Christmas presents.  Now, we get presents for the two of us instead of individual presents.  I know it's a horrible example... but pre engagement, I felt like we were treated more as two individuals.  Now we are JoyandJay = the couple.  And are treated as one entity.

thesuninherhead

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_curious-im-odd?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:2ad0d831-ef98-438e-a0c0-da3742f2740dPost:901bdbc2-ec4a-46ad-b906-9a66e4f1635d">Re: Curious if I'm odd...</a>:
[QUOTE]Yeah, I get it.  Like you have to run things by each other instead of say, accepting an invitation on your own.  Or people might ask, "well, what does jay think about that."  I think that's normal, right?
<p>Posted by bbyckes[/QUOTE]</p><p> </p><p>I don't get why people would only start asking such questions (of each other, or to another couple- as per your examples) when the couple got engaged, rather than the whole way through their live-in relationship. If you're living with someone, you tend to get those same questions (and are regarded as 'a couple' rather than two singles) from the point of living together, in my experience.</p>

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

I felt like that step happened when we moved in together, actually. We had more individuality in a way before then - but that might have also been because we lived in different states before we moved in together.

It sounds weird, but to me, marriage is the watermark where this will be more "permanant" to outsiders. There have been a few broken engagements in my office, so sometimes saying, "I'm engaged/getting married" almost feels like I'm just playing at something.

AdeleDazeem

I think that's how it was with everyone when we moved in together, msmery.  We just lived together.

Now we're engaged - new ballgame - new social unit - new rules.  It's such an adjustment after being really independant.

ring_pop

I get it, but I have to agree with sun. I don't get how it magically happened once you got the ring on your finger.

I think this sort of thing started happening to H and me once WE started acting like a social unit - tagging along with each other's friends, RSVPing for "us" rather than "me', etc. Once we started acting like a unit, people started treating us accordingly. This was long before we got engaged though, so no, we didn't really see much change when we got engaged.

I wonder if perhaps you've just started becoming more aware of it because of your newly engaged status, or if you started acting like a "unit" long ago and didn't realize it.

glam70s

For us this started happening long before we even lived together.. I think it's because we started dating when I was 15, he was 16 (10th grade). At that age, it's unusual for people to stay together for a full year, let alone any longer. By 12th grade we were considered a 'unit' and were treated as such in every way. So when we got engaged over 7 years after that, nothing changed. We'd already been living together for 5 years and together for 9, so it would be odd if people suddenly started treating our relationship any differently. After that length of time, most people know it's safe to assume the relationship is serious - an engagement isn't surprising to anyone.

I agree that perhaps you've been acting like a couple a lot longer than you realized, but the ring has drawn your attention to it more.. Perhaps if it makes you uncomfortable you need to make an effort to do more independant activities.. It won't change how other people treat you both, but it may help you keep your sanity in tact..

RitaLee

I've been with my fiance for a little under four years and I know that isn't much for a lot of people but I feel like we have been treated as a "unit" for quite a while now.  Whether everyone has acted like that towards us, I'm not sure but we have known for a long time that this is it for the two of us so I think we acted very much the same before the engagement as now.  With the exception of all of the wedding related questions I get pummeled with from my family I think they aren't treating us that much different.  Oh and we don't live together so that might change things too.

AdeleDazeem

Maybe you guys are right - maybe I'm just more aware and more sensitive to it now that we are engaged.

For me - the whole transition has been exciting and a little scary.  I don't want to lose myself just because I'm married and I've felt the push towards being one unit moreso now that we are engaged than I ever felt it when we were just dating.  Perhaps I'm suddenly more aware of it and am fighting back a little bit.

Regardless, it's up to my fiance and I to balance our lives in a way that makes us happy.  I feel we do a pretty good job of this so I just need to relax.

Thanks for your thoughts.

Pirata13

It is a little scary and like you said, you both have to keep working to find a balance.  FI & I have been going through a lot of that too, just adjusting to the fact that our decisions affect more than just us.  We were both on our own a long time and very independent, so it has been an adjustment.  We've had some things come up recently, and after the holidays we're going to sit down and try to iron some of it out.  Like you said, we do a good job balancing now, and neither of us feels we can't do our own thing when we want, so I have faith it will work out.  You'll be fine. 

ring_pop

This might sound like overkill, but pre-marital counseling might be a good idea. I'm not saying that your feelings are the end of the world, but this discomfort over being a unit vs. being individuals might be a symptom of bigger issues around how you, or both of you feel about marriage and commitment. At the very least, consider going to a couple of sessions just to confirm that you guys are on the same page. Pre-marital counseling is a good idea anyway, even if you don't have any serious issues.