"he who pays, says"

JanoBean75

Just curious -- those of you that received money for your wedding from parents, did they seriously demand you use it to their specifications?

My parents are pretty much paying for ours (aside from open bar -- FI's father is handling that). Originally, we were going to use the money they are giving us toward a Vegas wedding, but we decided to plan a smaller wedding at home and our total budget is less than what my parents are giving us. However, they never demanded a thing. I already included those family members that "must" be there, we chose our chapel, reception place, decor, etc. ourselves.

My parents don't seem to care how we spend the money; both seem happy with everything we decided. Mom recommended a few ways to save money to cut costs so we can use part of their gift for our honeymoon or even just to have it for bills (her words!).

I don't get it -- are my parents just really laid back or is this the norm and we only hear about the crazy demaning parents?

kikibaby

We probably just mainly hear about the crazy ones here.  My parents paid and made no demands (well, my mom wanted cake instead of cupcakes, but...), so I never had any reason to biitch. 

sucrets4

My parents paid for about half the wedding and didn't force us to do anything.  But they're awesome, so I never expected them to require stuff.

J&K10910

My mom paid for my dress.  There was one that she REALLY, REALLY liked that I just wasn't in love with, and I could tell that it made her a little sad I wasn't going to pick it, but she didn't try to force it on me.

jasmineh7777

My parents *aren't* paying, but my Mom has made a few requests. She wanted us to do a traditional cake rather than cupcakes. I wanted to alter my dress and get rid of the train, but she really liked it, so I left it alone. None of her requests were unreasonable, and she is helping me DIY everything.

Edit- that little "n't" is important this time.

JanoBean75

My parents basically said, "let us know when you need us to write a check/hand over some cash." They figure it's not their wedding, it's ours. I think my mom is happy we're being careful with the money because she wants us to be able to have a fun honeymoon.

tenofcups4me

My parents paid for about 1/2 the wedding and his maybe 1/4 the first time I got married. Neither had any demands and very few requests (my mom asked if we could extend invitations to a few more people on my father's side of the family when it turned out that some of his cousins couldn't come -- we said yes; that's the only request I remember).

BUT my parents and I have very similar tastes and values. I know I did some things differently than they would have and they never said a word, but in the end it was the kind of event they would have thrown themselves. If we had totally different taste or values or priorities, I don't know...maybe there would have been disagreements. I can't say.

samurai21

My parents are paying for everything. The only thing my mom and I argued a bit over was guest list. She wanted to invite a lot of her friends that I've never met, and I said that if she was ok paying for them then it was her call, but ideally I didn't want to be meeting people I'd never met at our reception, and I didn't think she realized how much extra money they were costing.

When I showed her how much these extra people were costing, she kind of had an 'aha' moment and cut back a little. My mom also loved me in all of the very very traditional gowns, and while mine isn't out there by any means, I know she was sad when I didn't pick one she liked better. But, she always says "I like this, but it's your decision" in true mom fashion, lol.

sucrets4

Yeah, my mom paid for my dress, too.  She could only see pics, though, since the dress that I got was here in AR.  I think she liked it a lo, though.

sarahmk5

Our parents are  paying for the wedding 50/50 and have pretty much let us do whatever we've wanted.  We've consulted them on everything, from the venue to the DJ, and they went with us to several venue appointments, but they've always let us decide what is best.  Granted, we've never taken advantage of them and asked for ridiculous over the top things, either.  The only things they've asked for is to invite who they want to invite, and, frankly, FI and I could care less, since the bloated guest list is of their own making and they're paying for everything anyway.

abbalish

My parents just gave us a lump sum of money.  They told us that we could use all of it, some of it, or none of it on the wedding.  After paying for the wedding, rehearsal dinner, and honeymoon, there was about $2,000 left.  I am so grateful for my parents for giving us this gift with absolutely no strings attached - although I do think they would have been disappointed if we'd taken the money and eloped.  Actually, that's not true - I think my dad would have kind of preferred that, as he thinks blowing a lot of money on one day is silly (which I partially agree with) but he was still happy to celebrate with us.

abbalish

But also, I want to say that I do pretty much agree with "he who pays, says."  While my parents did not make any demands and I am grateful for that, I think anyone kicking in a large sum of money has the right to dictate how it be spent, to some extent. 

quotequeen

My dad is giving me money and said we could use it however we wanted and he didn't want to be involved in the planning at all.  But, before he told me how much he was giving, he asked questions about what we were planning and how much it would all cost.  I think there were certain things he might have insisted on if we hadn't been planning them anyway, like an open bar.

When people say "he who pays says" it doesn't mean the person paying will always want that say.  But if the person does happen to want something, then he always has the option to refuse to pay if he doesn't get it.  Nobody is entitled to money from their parents for the wedding while ignoring all of their parents' wishes.

ETA:  I do think it's pretty crappy when parents suddenly start demanding a whole bunch of stuff after a lot of plans have been made that assume they will be paying for whatever they've said.

spinner84

My parents asked their friends how much they spent on their daughter's wedding, and gave us that amount. This was to cover the destination wedding and a reception in my home country, where my parents live. I got married in Vegas, so if I'd chosen a tacky chapel, they'd have been pissed... My mom also wanted me to buy a wedding dress that I liked instead of a regular dress, so I did that too. I think it might have been different if I'd been in the same town (or country) as them, planning for a year for a wedding with 100 guests though.

ootmother2

late

I think it can be carried too far.

My ExH and I paid for M's wedding, other than the RD that the groom's parents paid for and the HM that the B&G paid for themselves.

The only thing I asked was that the invitations be traditional and that they had a live band as the wedding was formal.  M at first wanted a DJ but when she heard the band that we wanted, she was very happy.  The  invitations M first chose were Kate Spade ish.  We issued the invitations in our name so she got the difference.

Everything else was their choice and they did the searches

mrscheetah

My parents said, here is X amount of money, whatever you have left over you can keep. They have made requests, which we have honored, not because they demanded it but because a) we are really grateful they are paying for the wedding, and b) the stuff they wanted (ie, a venue in my hometown) was pretty much what we wanted anyway.

saxy414

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_pays-says?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2b962cc7-6300-45f6-86ab-6822731ea0c1Post:977dfd26-c27e-47e5-90aa-9ba871a49f6f">Re: "he who pays, says"</a>:
[QUOTE]My parents just gave us a lump sum of money.  They told us that we could use all of it, some of it, or none of it on the wedding.  After paying for the wedding, rehearsal dinner, and honeymoon, there was about $2,000 left.  I am so grateful for my parents for giving us this gift with absolutely no strings attached - although I do think they would have been disappointed if we'd taken the money and eloped.  Actually, that's not true - I think my dad would have kind of preferred that, as he thinks blowing a lot of money on one day is silly (which I partially agree with) but he was still happy to celebrate with us.
Posted by abbalish[/QUOTE]

This.  We researched an average cost of weddings in our area, and my parents gave us about that amount.  We still have a lot to do, but so far, the only thing my mom has requested is to invite several of her friends (no big deal, I know them--they just wouldn't be on my list), and my dad has stayed out of it.  If they did request anything else, we'd do our best to honor that because we're incredibly grateful for what they're giving us. 

Calypso1977

my in laws didnt contribute and tried to place demands on who we invited (they wanted friends of theirs there that we'd never even met).  it was nice to be able to say no and not have it be a battle over money.  they had offered us a small sum which we politely declined and i'm so glad we did in light of many other things that played out.

other than that, our parents really werent that involved with the wedding plans for a variety of reasons (nothing bad, just worked out that way).

notquiteblushing

My parents are paying for our reception and we're paying for everything else, save the welcome party which FI's parents are paying for.  Anyway, we told them the town we wanted to have the reception in and gave them some choices and they ended up picking the place we liked the best (yay).  Since then they've been pretty laid back.  They gave us their side of the guest list and altered my beer choices but that's it.

DFaught

 My parents are the same way. Every time I tell my mom she doesn't have to do as much as she is, she keeps telling me "Well the bride's side is supposed to technically, so I'm not worried about it..." thought I know that train of thought is quickly falling by the wayside. Like a PP said, we have similar tastes and my mom is the craftiest person I know, so she comes up with DIY projects I wouldn't think of to help save money and make ours unique.  :P

srkropf

Yeah, my parents are each giving my 3K for the wedding and it's up to us to figure out how/what we spend it on. My dad wanted a destination wedding, because he though it would be more fun and cheaper, but that was it. I know some family that wants to come, but our numbers are small, so it's all good.

thesuninherhead

My parents gave us a large sum of money towards the wedding, and they too didn't demand a thing- aside from very close to the date when my mother had a slight breakdown over cake boxes, everything was otherwise fine. She didn't always agree with our choices, but she wanted them to be ours and not hers.