Who makes the Rehearsal Dinner decisions?

kendallplattner

The Groom's parents typically host the Rehearsal Dinner.   I (the bride) have done every single ounce of planning and decsion making up until this.  I have no problem with letting them take care of it.  But when my out-of-town family expects to be invited, because it's a tradition that my parent expect to have upheld, BUT fiancee doesn't want to over-burden his parents, who has the final word on the guest list?  Do I make that call?  Him? His parents?

danieliza1127

If his parents are paying for and hosting the RD, they have final say on the guest list.  You could offer to cover the costs on the out of town family though.

salt78

If it's something that involves talking to his parents, I think he should handle that.

BecW2be

When is the wedding? My ILs asked about a month out for my rehearsal dinner guest list and handled everything. I think FI should approach his parents to see if they are even planning to cover it. If not, then you have control of the party and the guest list.

SwedishChick2011

Have your fiance's parents said they are paying?  If not, don't assume that they are.  If they are paying, then talk to them about who you want to invite.  If they don't want to pay for all the out-of-town family, then you and your fiance (or even your parents since they want to invite the extra people) will need to pay for them.

J&K10910

You said you're planning--are you paying?  If you're paying, do what you and your FI want.  If they're paying, ask them who they were planning on inviting.  If they're not planning on inviting your out of town family, you're SOL probably, unless you want to offer to pay for them.  And if it's a couple people, you  might mention it to them, but if it's 20 people, that's a lot to ask. 

nthomas983

Those who pay, say. 

If they don't want to pay for your extended family/OOT guests, they don't have to. So be prepared to pony up the $$$ to cover those costs yourself, attempt to talk them into extending the guest list, or explaining to your OOT guests that you would love to invite them, but costs are prohibitive.

evabee

I would say that if it is a tradition your family has upheld but there is a chance FI's parents cannot afford it that you do one of three things.

1. Don't invite OOTers and calmly explain to your parents that because FPIL are hosting the party, they can choose what traditions are upheld.

2. Ask FI if he thinks his parents would be offended if you or your parents offered to pay for the additional guests.

3. Have a separate party, like a breakfast or brunch with your OOT guests.

If FPIL have not contributed to the reception costs but are adamant about many of their own traditions that have cost your parents money, then I think it is okay to politely ask them to uphold yours. NEVER if they can't afford it though.

Nutshell = If they are paying and the RD is a financial burden, they get the final say... but I'm sure your input would be welcomed.

sarabellam

Internet safety 101 lesson - don't use your name as your username. There are some real creeps out there.

Now, if your family wants OOT family invited to the RD, you need to be prepared to pay for them yourself. I understand your FI's concerns, but the 2 of you need to come to an agreement before he approaches his parents. How far are these guests traveling?

MyNameIsNot

I know you said the groom's family typically hosts, but that is a traditional rule and isn't always the case.  Have your FIL's offered to host it?  If not, you will be hosting it yourself.  If they have offered to host it, then they get to make the decisions.  You can ask if they want to include these people, and you can offer to cover the cost, but ultimately it is up to the host to make all the decisions.  They may just prefer a smaller event.

If you want the control, you have to pay for it.

ohwhynot

As others have said, you can always offer to pay for oot guests.  If you don't want to do that, can't afford to do that, or they won't let you, then I'd let it go.

Hosting oot guests for the rehearsal dinner a very expensive tradition, imo, and I would hope that your oot family wouldn't feel offended to realize that not every family can afford to host all of the oot guests.   My fi and I are hosting a very small rehearsal dinner for our officiant, & his wife & kids, fi's mother, our bm & his wife & son, and my children, but we're not even hosting all of our immediate family members - there are simply too many people and we can't afford to do so. 

Good luck!

Calypso1977

The Groom's parents typically host the Rehearsal Dinner. 

um, maybe in 1950.

LauraW313

My FMIL said they wanted to do the RD but then said she wanted it to be the bridal party only. Kept pushing that little tidbit about 5 times even when we explained that we needed to include the core family (parents, grandparents, siblings) and any spouses of the wedding party.

She pitched a fit and threw herself in it. Anyway, our compromise is that she will pay for wedding party, preacher and his wife, herself and spouse. She cut his dad off the list. We are paying for everyone else (my family, the spouses of the bridal party, a few oot people that are like family, and the ladies that are doing a lot to help us with the planning, hair and make-up).

We are having dinner at a restaurant and we picked 9 entrees and printed our own menu to keep the costs down. She is finally happy with that arrangement.

I hope this helps.

Catwoman708

The HOSTS are always the ones that call the shots on the guest list, for any event. 

For the RD it's customary to invite both sets of parents, the WP, and anyone who must be at the rehearal, and their spouses (or parents in the case of minor children, like the FG and RB).  Paid vendors can be excluded, but customary to invite the officiant.

Extended family such as grandparents, aunts, uncles, siblings and OOT guests that are not in the wedding are optional.  (I think if there are OOT wedding guests who will be houseguests of someone at the RD, then it's polite to invite them also.)

But it's not rude of the RD hosts to exclude the extra guests.  It would be rude to insist on it.

If your FILs have offered to host (you aren't just assuming they will be hosting are you?), then you will need to go over the guest list.  Start by giving them a list of all those in the WP or that will be at the rehearsal.  Then ASK what they had in mind, and if it would be possible to incude extra guests at YOUR expense at their propsed venue.  Then see how it goes from there. 

If it's not possible to include all the extra guests, and it's "tradition" in your family to include a lot of extra guests in the RD, then your family will have to come up with an alternate solution to hosting them. 

kendallplattner

Here's what we decided: The Parents of The Groom have given us money to go towards the wedding.  We will use that to pay for the Rehearsal Dinner as well, so the groom doesn't feel like we are asking too much of his parents.  It tightens up our budget, but it gives me the freedom to accommodate my family's tradition.  In reality, no one "called the shot" but we all expressed our concerns and came up with a plan.

thesuninherhead

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rehearsal-dinner-decisions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:2e2fd536-a229-4e55-ad9e-a5989b6b2449Post:ecc648cc-9539-48ed-95a8-0f8e03bf53bc">Re: Who makes the Rehearsal Dinner decisions?</a>:
[QUOTE]If it's something that involves talking to his parents, I think he should handle that.
<p>Posted by salt78[/QUOTE]</p><p> </p><p>OK so wth, I'm trying to reply to lvb's post about seeing whit and everytime I click 'quote', I end up with some random thread about RDs, and salt's response... </p>