Wedding Etiquette Forum

Was I right?

I had two showers this weekend. Last night was a tailgate shower thrown by my aunt and uncle for my side of our family. They invited my future in-laws and grand in-laws so they could visit with my side of the family. Today is my church shower thrown by two women of my church. They invited all women that were invited to the wedding from the church (my future inlaws also go there) and my Mom.

Friday night my future MIL called me and said she felt bad because she realized that her sister (my FI aunt that I see about twice a year that lives in our city) was not invited to the showers. I told her that Saturday night was for my family and today was for women of the church. May I add that my future in-laws have not offered to throw me a shower but still complain about who is not invited to them....

I basically told my MIL that I was sorry if she felt like feelings were going to be hurt, but that I didnt think to put her on the invite list for either shower becasue A. shes not on my Mother's side of the family and B. she doesnt go to our church. I REALLY wanted to say "Well if you would like to THROW me a shower, you could invite her!" But I didnt. Did I do right by kind of brushing this off and not seeming too sympathetic?
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Re: Was I right?

  • I think you were fine.
  • Usually all the women invited to the wedding are invited to the shower. I'm not really sure what the correct etiquette is here, but I think she should have been invited to a shower, no matter who is throwing it.
  • crfischecrfische member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited January 2012
    Oh sweet baby Jesus, no. Not ALL women invited to a wedding are invited to a shower.

    All the women invited to the shower should be invited to the wedding, but NOT vice versa.

    I think you were fine. It would have been a nice gesture to invite her, but not necessary.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_right-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2edf7d8a-e5b0-4e8e-b71b-b9a093eaef6aPost:29baee9b-a1a3-4769-916e-86335411ff11">Re: Was I right?</a>:
    [QUOTE]<strong>Usually all the women invited to the wedding are invited to the shower.</strong> I'm not really sure what the correct etiquette is here, but I think she should have been invited to a shower, no matter who is throwing it.
    Posted by ErinG93[/QUOTE]

    Since when? Do you really get invited to the shower for every wedding you attend? I don't, thank God.

    OP, I think it's fine. Both of those showers were intended for specific groups of people and your FI's aunt was not in either of those groups. It wouldn't have hurt to include her, but what's done is done and there isn't much to do about it now. However, I think you need to get over the fact that your in laws aren't throwing you a shower. Just let it go.
  • I don't think ErinG93's very broad statement is accurate. There is no universal "usually" that applies to all weddings and showers everywhere. Everyone does it differently. In MANY cases a shower is thrown and not every single female wedding guest is invited. In fact, in my personal experience, showers have had far smaller guest lists than the wedding itself.

    I've been invited to many weddings for family/friends with whom I'm not especially close and/or live out of town, etc. and I haven't been invited to the shower and that's just fine. I think it starts to get a little gift-grabby if every possible woman in your life is also invited to the shower. Often, they are events for more intimate collections of friends & family.

    In any case, I think it was super lame of your FMIL to call you and complain about this the night before your shower! First of all, you're not even the hostess! If she had a big problem, she should have addressed it WAY earlier - like the day she received her invitation!

    I totally get why you're annoyed that she's making these guest list demands and not offering to pitch in in any way. That is also lame. Though I don't think it's unusual to have a shower with women from both sides in attendance. The sides don't need to be split up.

    I don't think there's anything else you could have done. Except maybe point out to her that there was not much point in her calling you the night before to complain when it was clearly too late to solve the problem. All this ended up doing was making you feel bad – LAME on her part! All you can do is try to forget about this as best you can!
  • You did fine, but you sound pretty bitter about the fact that your inlaws aren't throwing you a shower. No one is obligated to throw you a shower.
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  • I agree with PP, you sound resentful that your MIL isn't throwing you a shower. I kind of disagree otherwise and feel that your FI's aunt should have been invited to at least one. It's a lot different IMO than not inviting one of your FMIL's friends or something.
    5/27/12
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  • I do think it sounds like you were expecting two showers, one for your side and one from his side. 3 if you include the church shower. Since no one on his side offered a shower, you really should have included some more of his side to the guest list. Afterall, the gifts are supposed to be for him, too.
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  • My inlaws did the same thing.  My mother & sister threw a shower, with my immediate family attending, assuming H's family would do the same if they chose to.  H's family didn't "think of it" until just a couple of weeks before the wedding but got all bent out of shape when they found out about my family's shower.

    I wouldn't worry about it at this point!!!
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  • You did NOTHING wrong. I've been to dozens of weddings and only two showers. I only invited my very closest friends and relatives to the shower my BMs threw.
  • em01092em01092 member
    1000 Comments
    edited January 2012
    I don't think OP sounds entitled to a shower thrown by her FMIL, but rather said what she did about a hypothetical one because FMIL was complaining about someone not being invited and was making a big deal about it. Maybe OP would have never thought/wrote that here if the FMIL had not said something to her, you know? 

    The hosts of OP's showers didn't do anything wrong, IMO. They can invite who they want to invite. Maybe they were a little insensitive by not including her, but not wrong or deliberately mean. If they didn't ask you for a guest list or know that the aunt lives in town, then what can you do? Plus what can you do anyway? The showers are over and have passed. Unless your FMIL is planning on throwing you a shower, or someone else is, I don't see what you or anyone can do about the aunt's hurt feelings. I guess maybe FMIL wants you to apologize to her sister or something? She may not even care anyway, it could be your FMIL speculating. 
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  • I think people are forgetting that the OP doesn't have complete say in the guest list.

    I had two showers and the hostesses gave me a limit of who could be invited.  If either side felt that more people should have been invited then they should have done something.

    Many people have a certain 'must invite' list when it comes to showers and i think it's a rather large stretch to assume that the shower hostesses in these situations could have just added more people.   That's the same logic as a bride saying, "You can just spend $40 more on a BM dress or $50 on shoes.  If the budget isn't there and the guest list is maxed then you can't fit more guests.  Too bad for the FI's side of the family but sometimes that's how things happen.
  • Haha, I was totally wrong! See this is why I never answer the etiquette questions.
  • We didn't have one but it's somewhat popular where I'm from to have a "handyman shower." It's obviously geared towards the guy for tools, grilling things, outdoor entertainment, etc. It's usually a couple's shower, more casual, held during the evening- you get the picture. Anyway, seems like it could solve some problems regarding the groom's family, friends and their inclusion/involvement. You obviously can't suggest it unless someone specifically mentions hosting something but just throwing it out there.
  • Yeah, there's no reason why you should expect your IL's to throw you a shower. I know tons of women who only get one shower, and they're ecstatic even for that. It would have been nice to invite your future aunt, but it's really not necessary. She'll get over it. Or she won't, and then oh well. Also, I have been invited to three showers in my life, and been to at least six weddings. I never pouted about not being invited. A wedding invitation does not mean an automatic invitation to any pre-wedding parties.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_right-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2edf7d8a-e5b0-4e8e-b71b-b9a093eaef6aPost:29baee9b-a1a3-4769-916e-86335411ff11">Re: Was I right?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Usually all the women invited to the wedding are invited to the shower. I'm not really sure what the correct etiquette is here, but I think she should have been invited to a shower, no matter who is throwing it.
    Posted by ErinG93[/QUOTE]
    All the women?  I don't think so.  Only the women who are closest to the bride should be invited.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_right-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2edf7d8a-e5b0-4e8e-b71b-b9a093eaef6aPost:a3cc6268-fc5c-4a74-a4c4-cf815f8a9599">Re: Was I right?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Was I right? : All the women?  I don't think so.  Only the women who are closest to the bride should be invited.
    Posted by pgcp[/QUOTE]

    <div>Eh that's not really right, either. It's really up to the hostess(es) and what works for them. </div><div>
    </div><div>The only main "rule", as PPs have said, is that whoever is being invited to these showers should also be invited to the wedding. It's rude to ask people to come give gifts for a couple if they are not going to be invited to see them wed (although in some cultures, this doesn't seem to hold true). </div>
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  • Hey yall- thanks for some of your reassurance! I do not, at all, expect a shower from my in-laws, but I just find it unneccesary that women who are not in charge are complaining about a shower invite list so late into the game. The showers went well and she was verbally invited to both, but did not show.
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