ugh, so irritated - am I wrong?

mjertl

So, a family member of mine got married in a small courthouse ceremony last summer.  Only immediate family members were invited, and they were planning a bigger wedding celebration with a larger guest list for this upcoming summer.  

Well, a month after the legal wedding, her husband died suddenly.  Very sad.

It's now 8 months later, and she posts a long vent on FB, complaining that all her family and friends didn't give her presents for her wedding.

I do feel very sorry for her that her husband died, it's sad, but putting those feelings aside... - is it considered necessary/appropriate to get a family member a wedding gift if you're not invited to the wedding?  I had been planning to get her something for the larger ceremony which I would (likely) be invited to, so did not send her something for the wedding which I was not invited to.  

I feel like if it were customary for everyone to give presents for an "official" wedding that they're not invited to, and later for a larger party that they are invited to, then everyone would have a small wedding first, because you'd get twice the gifts...

Don't get me wrong, I am sad for her that the larger party will never take place because her husband passed away, but I just find it kind of selfish that she is irritated all the people she didn't invite to her wedding didn't give her presents.  I am engaged right now, and I hardly even expect everyone coming to our wedding to give us presents, much less people we don't invite...

Furthermore, she just bought a house, and was complaining no one gave her housewarming presents.  When I bought my first house, no one bought me housewarming presents either.  I didn't cry about it...

C&MMartel

You are correct about everything you've said, but maybe her vents is the surface pain shes feeling and its just covering up her bigger pain? Pain comes out in many ways, and in her case it might be comming off in this mannor. Maybe just talk to her and ask her how shes doing and feeling. Maybe she just needs to know shes accepted and still love by both families? Just a shot in the dark though.

[Deleted User]

No. You are not wrong. Gifts are never mandatory in ANY case, and I wouldn't be giving gifts to everyone I know getting married if I wasn't invited unless I was VERY close to them. 

It's terrible what happened, but she can't go back and collect now. I'm amazed that THIS is what she's thinking about...the loss of gifts. Not the loss of her husband.

And I didn't get housewarming gifts either. It's not a thing here. I had a few people over for dinner, but no one brought me a gift. One of my friends said once, "Maybe you can get me a great vacuum for my housewarming gift!" and I just sort of looked at her. It's just not a thing we do here.

ETA: I read some of the other PPs points about the showing grief in funny ways. Sure. I get that. My dad just died, and everytime someone picks at me, I'm all "Jeez, can't you just leave me alone, my dad just died," but I do it internally. I'm not posting all over Facebook mad because now my dad can't give me a wedding present. It's like...the two things (gifts and her husband) seem pretty far apart to be making this connection in grief, but if this is REALLY out of character for her, then maybe that's what's going on. I certainly wouldn't call her out on anything. I would just ignore it.

LeiselEB

Honestly, I don't think this is something you need to be all that irritated over. It was rude of her to mention that she didn't get enough presents, but I'd give her the benefit of the doubt and assume she's just sad and not quite herself after losing her husband so soon after getting married. Grief comes in many forms.

Are you just wondering if you should have gotten her a gift? I suppose I would have sent one after the wedding, rather than waiting until the party, but that is just my personal preference. I don't think you were wrong. 

ZombieNates

I can't believe that eight months after her husband died, she's worried about the gifts she'll never see.

pixiedust84

If I were you I'd be inclined to forgive her a lot of things including this. Her husband died. That is completely devastating. She would have to do a lot more than an obnoxious Facebook post to make me irritated with her. You were not wrong to ot get her a present for the small ceremony. But I think you shouldn't focus on the FB status and focus on the fact that she is probably broken right now and she gets a little leeway.

monkeysip

I agree with PPs... I'm HOPING that her rant about gifts is just grief over her husband expressed in a different form.  Otherwise, it's quite horrifying.

Just ignore it and try to be there for her otherwise.

[Deleted User]

She's totally wrong to expect gifts, and she would've been in the wrong if she was planning a pointless PPD after her wedding. That being said, I'd probably cut her some slack due to the circumstances.

pokepoke27

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ugh-so-irritated-am-i-wrong?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2f18cd2f-5382-4eec-9cc8-b55686d3fc81Post:0f3a9d00-fcc4-4804-b9c0-0a363c325835">Re: ugh, so irritated - am I wrong?</a>:
[QUOTE]I can't believe that eight months after her husband died, she's worried about the gifts she'll never see.
Posted by ZombieNates[/QUOTE]

<div>I think that it's just something to distract herself from the grief of losing her new husband. </div>

DelBride2012

I can see how this is something she would cling to in her grief. I can see how her inability to have that second party, something she was looking forward to I'm sure, is a symbol of all the things she won't get to have with him. Sometimes it's easier to focus on the symbols than really think about and internalize the reality of your situation. 

Or maybe she's just greedy. Either way I'd give her the benefit of the doubt. 

ZombieNates

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ugh-so-irritated-am-i-wrong?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2f18cd2f-5382-4eec-9cc8-b55686d3fc81Post:6cec19db-3c7b-480f-8e90-96d01d31801c">Re: ugh, so irritated - am I wrong?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: ugh, so irritated - am I wrong? : I think that it's just something to distract herself from the grief of losing her new husband. 
Posted by pokepoke27[/QUOTE]
Yeah, that makes sense. I was just surprised. But everyone handles grief in different ways. 

NeedWeddingFavors

I think that during this wedding season, she is probably griefing over the wedding party she should be planning but won't be having now. It is probably bringing out emotional pain seeing everyone getting married when she is not going to have her party. The FB vent was part of dealing with that pain. Little does she know that the wedding gifts won't make her happy, but she had a moment (and maybe not more) of thinking that the gifts would make her feel better, and now she misplacing her grief.

What she needs now more than ever is compassion and comfort. If you are close enough to her to give her that, then this is the time to do so, but at least give her sympathy that she is not dealing with a sound mind at the moment.

mjertl

so, obviously I am not confronting her on this, and am giving her the benefit of the doubt.  But, say her husband hadn't died and she was still having a large celebration this summer - from an etiquette standpoint, would one be expected to give a gift for the wedding they weren't invited to?  Does the fact her husband passed away, retrospectively, change that expectation?  Basically, I feel bad now that I didn't get her something, because I don't want to contribute to her pain.  But I couldn't have anticipated her husband was going to die before their big party.  I guess I'm just wondering about the expectation - take the husband passing away out of the equation...

LeiselEB

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ugh-so-irritated-am-i-wrong?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2f18cd2f-5382-4eec-9cc8-b55686d3fc81Post:511118e3-77ff-42cd-9717-888fd603ebd8">Re: ugh, so irritated - am I wrong?</a>:
[QUOTE]so, obviously I am not confronting her on this, and am giving her the benefit of the doubt.  But, say her husband hadn't died and she was still having a large celebration this summer - from an etiquette standpoint, would one be expected to give a gift for the wedding they weren't invited to?  Does the fact her husband passed away, retrospectively, change that expectation?  Basically, I feel bad now that I didn't get her something, because I don't want to contribute to her pain.  But I couldn't have anticipated her husband was going to die before their big party.  I guess I'm just wondering about the expectation - take the husband passing away out of the equation...
Posted by mjertl[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>You were not out of line in not sending a gift to the ceremony. It would have been fine to bring a gift to the party you were invited to. Don't send one now - I think that would come across as cruel. Just let it go.

</div>

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ugh-so-irritated-am-i-wrong?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2f18cd2f-5382-4eec-9cc8-b55686d3fc81Post:511118e3-77ff-42cd-9717-888fd603ebd8">Re: ugh, so irritated - am I wrong?</a>:
[QUOTE]take the husband passing away out of the equation...
Posted by mjertl[/QUOTE]
That's what I did, with my response. I still think the circumstances require an element of understanding.