how much to give??

summerstoys

my hubby and I got invited to the wedding & reception of a friend. I dont know how much to give them since were not invited to the dinner. They came to our wedding & dinner and gave us $100. They are not close friends of ours, so I just dont know what to do. Any suggestions would be great. ^_^ thanks

brookelynpaisley

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_much-give-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:2f29fcb9-f7db-44a4-bfb4-5a5a1fe7b5d8Post:1b1856ef-da9c-4a54-a985-ae570d4d66cb">how much to give??</a>:
[QUOTE]my hubby and I <strong>got invited to the</strong> wedding & <strong>reception</strong> of a friend. I dont know how much to give them since were <strong>not invited to the dinner</strong>. They came to our wedding & dinner and gave us $100. They are not close friends of ours, so I just dont know what to do. Any suggestions would be great. ^_^ thanks
Posted by summerstoys[/QUOTE]

You're confusing. Are you invited to the post-ceremony festivities or not?

summerstoys

were invited to come after dinner.

shortee426

So you are supposed to travel to the ceremony, hang out in the lobby while everyone eats, and then go dance?  I would say "no, thank you."

emarston1

Wow, that's incredibly rude.  Honestly, I would get them a card and be done with it.  You don't have a tiered reception, it's just rude.

summerstoys

yeah that's what i thought, but the guy that getting married is my hubby's friends little brother. and yes we are expected to just hang out, the ceremony is at noon and the after dinner starts at 8:00pm. really suckie

MissIntentional

wow. people really do this?

brookelynpaisley

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_much-give-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:2f29fcb9-f7db-44a4-bfb4-5a5a1fe7b5d8Post:1e5d53f1-7351-451a-9f7e-2f7d27585f77">Re: how much to give??</a>:
[QUOTE]yeah that's what i thought, but the guy that getting married is my hubby's friends little brother. and yes we are expected to just hang out, the ceremony is at noon and the after dinner starts at 8:00pm. really suckie
Posted by summerstoys[/QUOTE]

Hubby's friend's little brother or not, I'd be declining that invitation. They're just plain rude.

Calumet

I'd be declining. Or at the very least I would only go to the dancing part. Or the ceremony part. No way in hell I would go to both and sit around for 7 hours.

Don't go and don't give anything. 

summerstoys

I would love to not go,espically since I will have to pay a babysitter for my 2 kids for the whole day. Its not worth coming back home since it's 2hrs away.

amysmomma

If I'm not important enough to get an invite to dinner, they're not important enough to get a gift from me (or my attendance).  That's my opinion.

quotequeen

If your husband really wants to go let him go by himself and stay home with your two kids.  Give some dish towels.

dawnmarie0627

You live 2 hours away and they expect you to attend their ceremony, amuse yourself for most of the day, and then show up for the "party"? I would RSVP no, sent them card, and spend the day with your kids.

summerstoys

We didn't even get an RSVP card.

tamires90

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_much-give-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2f29fcb9-f7db-44a4-bfb4-5a5a1fe7b5d8Post:af71f16d-51fc-4baf-98e4-4989b168d779">Re: how much to give??</a>:
[QUOTE]We didn't even get an RSVP card.
Posted by summerstoys[/QUOTE]

<div>wow... WTF! I didn't even know people did this. </div><div>That is not polite at all. I would say, no thanks... </div><div>
</div><div>If not invite to dinner, then why invite at all?? It's the best part of the wedding...</div>

[Deleted User]

Very rude. I wouldn't be going at all.

JenO24

no rsvp card, 2 hrs away, and u can't even eat!
obviously your not important enough to them to have you included in every part of their wedding so they shouldn't be important enough to you guys to show up or send a gift let alone $100 like they did.
that is extremely rude, i cannot believe people do this...there is no way id show up at all

SparrowSong

I'd attend the ceremony, because I love weddings, leave or send a card with good wishes, and skip the after party. Give a small gift card or something if you feel like it, but I wouldn't break the bank with a super generous gift.

summerstoys

I feel like if I dont give them something people will think that is rude since they gave us money.  Am I wrong, because if it's not rude then I wont give them anything. I'm confused. help

SarahNicole80

Then I would just decline the invitation and send a gift. If you want make your gift a little more generous since that is fine since you won't be paying for gas, your own dinner, or a babysitter. That would probably equate to 100 bucks anyways!

noodle_oo

No, I wouldn't get them anything.  I wouldn't go.  That's horribly rude of htem to expect you to give up the whole day, hire a babysitter, and they don't even invite you to dinner.  I'd maybe send a card, or just nothing at all.  But I *definitely* would NOT get them a gift.  You shouldn't reward rudeness.

Maybe they just invited you like that because they knew you wouldn't come, but are hoping you send them $100 anyway.  Awful.

shortee426

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_much-give-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2f29fcb9-f7db-44a4-bfb4-5a5a1fe7b5d8Post:35398d77-91fe-4dc8-a60d-0eb685d92bf3">Re: how much to give??</a>:
[QUOTE]I feel like if I dont give them something people will think that is rude since they gave us money.  Am I wrong, because if it's not rude then I wont give them anything. I'm confused. help
Posted by summerstoys[/QUOTE]

<div>The only people that will know how much you gave them (and how much they gave you) are you and them.  Therefore, no one will be able to think it's rude since they won't know.  And if the couple thinks it's rude, well you can politely remind them that inviting you to everything but dinner is rude as well.</div>

amandalouise43

I am surprised that so many of you are so shocked by this scenario. My fiance and I are so excited to get married in 87 days. Weddings are never all about gifts and certainly not about how much the couple are going to give their guests for free. It's a celebration of the unity of the couple and the couple is entitled to celebrate however they want. My fiance and I are fronting the wedding mostly by ourselves and our engagement will only be 7.5 months all together. We have decided that our dinner will consist of family and those directly involved in the wedding ceremony. But most of our guests will be invited to the dinner and celebrations starting at 7 (the ceremony is at 2, the dinner at 5:30). We will have snacks and cake for the after 7 festivities but we have also been very honest with everyone about how we cannot afford to feed everyone an expensive meal. So far, everyone has understood.

If making the wedding and celebrations is too much for you to do due to distance and timing etc, then feel free not to attend or to just attend the ceremony. If I were you, my gift would probably be between $50 and $100 in gift card form.

Birdie1483

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_much-give-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2f29fcb9-f7db-44a4-bfb4-5a5a1fe7b5d8Post:bf72c6bc-691f-43b5-8c75-9f8a1cc15a47">Re: how much to give??</a>:
[QUOTE]I am surprised that so many of you are so shocked by this scenario. My fiance and I are so excited to get married in 87 days. Weddings are never all about gifts and certainly not about how much the couple are going to give their guests for free. It's a celebration of the unity of the couple and the couple is entitled to celebrate however they want. My fiance and I are fronting the wedding mostly by ourselves and our engagement will only be 7.5 months all together. We have decided that our dinner will consist of family and those directly involved in the wedding ceremony. But most of our guests will be invited to the dinner and celebrations starting at 7 (the ceremony is at 2, the dinner at 5:30). We will have snacks and cake for the after 7 festivities but we have also been very honest with everyone about how we cannot afford to feed everyone an expensive meal. <strong>So far, everyone has understood.</strong> If making the wedding and celebrations is too much for you to do due to distance and timing etc, then feel free not to attend or to just attend the ceremony. If I were you, my gift would probably be between $50 and $100 in gift card form.
Posted by amandalouise43[/QUOTE]

To your face....

mags0607

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_much-give-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2f29fcb9-f7db-44a4-bfb4-5a5a1fe7b5d8Post:bf72c6bc-691f-43b5-8c75-9f8a1cc15a47">Re: how much to give??</a>:
[QUOTE]I am surprised that so many of you are so shocked by this scenario. My fiance and I are so excited to get married in 87 days. Weddings are never all about gifts and certainly not about how much the couple are going to give their guests for free. It's a celebration of the unity of the couple and the couple is entitled to celebrate however they want. My fiance and I are fronting the wedding mostly by ourselves and our engagement will only be 7.5 months all together. We have decided that our dinner will consist of family and those directly involved in the wedding ceremony. But most of our guests will be invited to the dinner and celebrations starting at 7 (the ceremony is at 2, the dinner at 5:30). We will have snacks and cake for the after 7 festivities but we have also been very honest with everyone about how we cannot afford to feed everyone an expensive meal. So far, everyone has understood. If making the wedding and celebrations is too much for you to do due to distance and timing etc, then feel free not to attend or to just attend the ceremony. If I were you, my gift would probably be between $50 and $100 in gift card form.
Posted by amandalouise43[/QUOTE]

I just don't come from  social circle where this is acceptable. I have never heard of this in real life, and I think OP has a right to be offended by the type of invitation that she received.

OP, I would still give a gift, because I'm the type that has to reciprocate in gift-giving, but I probably wouldn't go because of the inconvenience and expense of a babysitter. I also wouldn't get as large of a gift as you normally would, just because the invitation is rude, whether the bride and groom think it is or not, you just don't do that to your guests. It just tells them that they aren't as important.

kellyjellybelly

I would never attend a ceremony and after dinner dancing after specifically being excluded for dinner.  I would ESPECIALLY not drive 2 hours to attend said ceremony.  I would not give or send a gift either.  If I was in a good mood, I might send a card with well wishes.  And, no PP, it's not "all about gifts and certainly not about how much the couple are going to give their guests for free,"  but it's about not completely offending those you are inviting.  Why even bother to invite those people?  IMO, they are banking on the fact that you're going to send a gift anyway.