Wedding Etiquette Forum

NWR Dinner Guests

I feel like a snot, but I'm rather irritated. My friend and her BF are coming over for dinner this Sunday and because she said he doesn't eat condiments or dressings and tries to stay away from preservatives and additives so he won't eat anything I have offered to make. And I don't even know what to do.  She suggested a taco bar, but I don't even know if I have the resources for that as we are having 6-7 people total (including FI and myself).  I guess I don't understand what is so bad with canned black beans or kidney beans, or cheese. And how tortillas are any better than all of that?

Any advice or recipe suggestions that would fit that criteria?

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Re: NWR Dinner Guests

  • lyndausvilyndausvi mod
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited August 2012
    Personally I would just make him plain chicken and call it a day.

    But really taco bars are easy.  We do them all the time for 4-15 people.  

    Make up some chicken, beef, beans.   Have small ramekins of sour cream, cheese, guacamole, salsa or tomatoes, shredded lettuce.   


    ETA - sorry he is being a PITA.    At the very least he could say "I'lll just have plain chicken" and then you can make that and whatever else you want.  There is not rule everyone has to eat the same food.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • DramaGeekDramaGeek member
    5 Love Its First Comment
    edited August 2012
    The nice thing with an anything bar is that everyone builds their own, so it makes it much easier than trying to cater to everyone's food issues.  By doing that, he can skip the things he tries to avoid and load up on the things he will eat.

    What do you mean by you don't have the "resources" to do the taco bar?
  • My MIL did taco bar for 30 for the day after open house she hosted for us after the wedding.  It's pretty simple.  Maybe two kinds of meat (chicken, ground beef), rice and/or beans, and set all the toppings out in bowls so people can build their own.

    The other thing that comes to mind is just to grill out - chicken - offer bbq or plain.  Add baked potato (toppings on the side so people can top how they want) and a veggie.  Start with a salad (dressing on the side - he can eat it plain.  


  • What are you proposing to make?

    I think if you honestly tried to accomodate him and he will not eat what you have proposed - it's fine to offer that he is welcome to bring some additional food that he is comfortable eating.

    One of my best friends cannot eat protien (it causes brain damage).  We all go out of our way to cook something that he can eat, but occaisionally if he hears a menu, he will offer to bring something to add.  IE we had a chicken taco bar (he could have had just the fixings) but he offered to bring an awesome taco seasoned cooked mixed veggie mix that he (as well as the rest of us) enjoyed.

    If this guy is trying to eat real food - most of what you've proposed has preservatives and additives (they add preservatives to grated cheese, canned beans have BPA etc. 

    What about a green salad with sliced veggies (dressing served on the side).
    Natural sausages (nitrate free) and grilled vegetables.
    Mushroom risotto.

    All of that can be made without additives and preservatives and for fairly cheap.

    Good luck - I get why you are frusterated.  If I were him and it was a lifestyle choice (not a dietary restriction) I would eat what I wanted from what was offered or offer to bring food that I could eat.

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  • rsannarsanna member
    5 Love Its First Comment First Anniversary
    edited August 2012

    I know they are pretty easy, but that is a lot of stuff we usually don't have on hand and it will take up a lot of dishes and I'm feeling lazy.  So that is my fault.  I mean we still have salsa from 4 months ago that we never used. Most of the things will end up going to waste.  I also mean counter space and table space, because our kitchen is tiny.

    But some of the stuff is as simple as plain chicken.  Like baked chicken parmesan, we could make one or two without the cheese and sauce (or all of them and people could add their own). There is another that is just steak and cheese and onion on bread.

    I am just kind of hurt and offended (irrationally) like what I make isn't good enough for him.  And because my friend will always be invited with him, we will only ever be able to have taco bar.  Or then they won't be able to come once the farmer's market is done.

    ETA: I wish we could grill out, we don't have a grill. :/

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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_nwr-dinner-guests-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2f6b6b51-e955-46d4-b7e3-0d07c797e259Post:58ebc95c-c9c1-4543-af88-92fa6bf81512">Re: NWR Dinner Guests</a>:
    [QUOTE] What do you mean by you don't have the "resources" to do the taco bar?
    Posted by DramaGeek[/QUOTE]

    I wondering this also.  Tacos sound easy.
  • Have you asked your friend for suggestions or recipes?  I mena, I guess you probably asked and she suggested a taco bar?  Can you ask if she has any other ideas?

    It sounds like a taco bar is a good choice, and I guess I don't really get why you're being stubborn about it.  Things won't go to waste if you don't buy too much.

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  • You're right.  It's annoying. 

    That said, my impression is that he is trying to eat "real food" like (http://www.100daysofrealfood.com/)

    That goes over all the "rules."

    If you are using prepared sauce/cheese - those have preservatives/fake stuff in them.

    If you are using prepared bread - those have preservatives/fake stuff. 

    Again - I think he should suck it up and eat your food or at least offer to bring his own food, but just trying to explain why your friend might be saying "no" to those ideas.

    In addition to what I proposed above, another "real food" menu is:

    Fruit salad (sliced fruit, mixed)
    Baked chicken breasts seasoned with a herb/butter rub
    Baked Potatoes (with optional cheese, sour cream, black olives, and chives/green onions).
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  • rsannarsanna member
    5 Love Its First Comment First Anniversary
    edited August 2012

    Also, I know I am sounding super whiny. (I feel super whiny, and I don't want to whine to my friend, hence I am whining on here.) But I just don't understand how he eats?  It is not like you can eat fresh cheese, or get fresh milk straight from a cow anymore. 

    And the other thing he is said some of the stuff he'd probably like, he just doesn't want to eat them. 

    I should also add (again my fault, hence my irrationality) we are having a group of people over the night before.  We won't have time to do a lot of the dishes between the two things, since we will be gone all morning/early afternoon the next day visiting family.

    So yeah, I know I just need to suck it up and do a taco bar, but I'm going to feel like a giant jerk to this guy and my friend, since now I obviously can't have them over after the farmer's market ends, because he won't eat anything.

    ETA: One of the things was homemade chicken nuggets also, which can be turned into just baked chicken breasts. And I am being stubborn, because I feel hurt and I need to GTFO it.

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  • I also don't eat condiments or dressings, but I deal with it when I am at someone else's house (unless there is mustard, because that makes me positively ill; believe it or not I had a bad childhood experience with it and simply can't eat it; even then I simply don't eat the thing, not make the host/ess accommodate me). I think it's understandable that you're hurt by this.

    Did she have any other suggestions other than a taco bar? You are completely within your right to say, "I can't accommodate a taco bar. Will he eat anything else?" You don't have to make a taco bar if you don't want just so he is happy with the food selection.
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  • Well you can have them over whenever you want, you don't have to always have them over for dinner.  And you can get plenty of things that someone that isn't eating processed food will eat at the grocery store.  Trust me, because we eat very little processed food but I still shop at a grocery store.

    I think that while it's annoying, you're being a bit ridiculous.  So I think you need to suck it up, and make a taco bar.  Do the best you can, and he'll eat what he can or bring what he needs.  The end.

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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_nwr-dinner-guests-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2f6b6b51-e955-46d4-b7e3-0d07c797e259Post:0eec095a-55b2-4cf8-91f6-d39e7d72b6d6">Re: NWR Dinner Guests</a>:
    [QUOTE]I also don't eat condiments or dressings, but I deal with it when I am at someone else's house (unless there is mustard, because that makes me positively ill; believe it or not I had a bad childhood experience with it and simply can't eat it; even then I simply don't eat the thing, not make the host/ess accommodate me). I think it's understandable that you're hurt by this. Did she have any other suggestions other than a taco bar? Y<strong>ou are completely within your right to say, "I can't accommodate a taco bar. Will he eat anything else?" You don't have to make a taco bar if you don't want just so he is happy with the food selection.</strong>
    Posted by ThankfulSnail[/QUOTE]

    This is also true. 

    Did you know before you invited them over that this was how he eats?  Because if you knew ahead of time and still invited them over, then I think you're being ridiculous.  If you had no idea, invited them over, and then she said "oh, by the way..." that changes it a little.

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  • I invited them over, and she said she didn't know if he would come because he is a picky eater (didn't tell me how or anything).  I assumed it would be something as simple as leaving a meat out of something, or he doesn't like spicy food, or hates beef or somethig. I didn't imagine it would literally get rid of all of my options, because apparently something as simple as bakery fresh bread, fresh steak, slices of cheese and fresh onions are too processed or just baked and breaded chicken.  Because apparently that is too much.
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  • If it were me, I would probably try to do the taco bar and call it a day.

    I do think that it seems nowadays, many people feel the need to voice their diets and eating restrictions and expect others to just accommodate them. Don't get me wrong, actual food allergies are one thing, as is eating a restricted diet for medical reasons. And everyone is entitled to the diet they want. But growing up, I know people were still vegetarian, people still had certain food restrictions, but unless it was a serious issue, you just sucked it up when invited over to someone's house for dinner. That's just what people did.

    My mom would have been moritified if I was invited to someone's house and told them what they should cook to accommodate me. I don't know. Maybe that's an unpop op, but I feel like if it's just a food preference and not a dire allergy or medical restriction, I feel it's kind of rude to tell someone what they should cook for you as a guest. If your diet preferences are really that restrictive, I would probably just turn down a dinner party invitation, OR I would make it work for that night. Perhaps that's just me.


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  • Thanks everyone. I'm going to talk with my friend more, since she is also coming over tomorrow for a DW premiere party. And thanks Caleo for the website! I may see if I can tweak my own recipes to conform to the ones listed up there and see if that will work for him then too.
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  • I'm pretty sure I'm in the minority, but I feel like part of being a good host is accommodating  people's preferences.  I would never DREAM of asking people over to dinner without asking for dietary needs and preferences.  I mean, it's one thing if people are being completely ridiculous, but it doesn't sound like this guy is.

    And also, if he's been eating clean for awhile, not eating processed food is no longer just a preference.  If he eats processed foods after avoiding them for long enough, it will likely make him sick (think cramps, bloating, gas, diarrhea or constipation, nausea).  So...there's that.

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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_nwr-dinner-guests-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2f6b6b51-e955-46d4-b7e3-0d07c797e259Post:e89d4a05-fb4c-47f7-9181-52ce52653b1d">Re: NWR Dinner Guests</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'm pretty sure I'm in the minority, but I feel like part of being a good host is accommodating  people's preferences.  I would never DREAM of asking people over to dinner without asking for dietary needs and preferences.  I mean, it's one thing if people are being completely ridiculous, but it doesn't sound like this guy is. And also, if he's been eating clean for awhile, not eating processed food is no longer just a preference.  If he eats processed foods after avoiding them for long enough, it will likely make him sick (think cramps, bloating, gas, diarrhea or constipation, nausea).  So...there's that.
    Posted by J&K10910[/QUOTE]

    <div>We ALWAYS accommodate peoples needs when we have people over.   But is seems like Taco bar is the 'go to meal' for dinner parties with this guy.  Frankly, I find that a little boring EVERY.SINGLE.TIME.</div><div>
    </div><div>We have a friend who does not eat red meat, pork or most fish, except crab.  No big deal, we always cook her a plain chicken breast.   Sometimes she gets lucky and we cook crab for her.   We however, do not plan an entire meal around her.  We just make sure she has something to eat.   </div><div>
    </div><div>One time DH made lobster mac-n-cheese, pasta with meat sauce, a variety sausages and a bunch of other stuff  PLUS one plain chicken for Michelle.  That's how we roll.  </div><div>
    </div><div>I think there should be something other than 'do a taco bar' given as an option.  </div><div>
    </div>






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • edited September 2012
    I know a lot of people who eat clean 80-90% of the time, but even they admit that it is VERY difficult to do. And beyond that takes quite a bit of prep time often to make things that normally have preservatives/additives from scratch. I admire people who can do it and it is worth it, but I do think saying NOTHING can have additives or preservatives is a very difficult thing to accommodate for someone who doesn't eat totally clean.

    I know which of my friends are vegetarian, which ones will just eat chicken, etc., and definitely always have something available for them to eat. I also know as a guest that I try to just eat what is served. I think it goes both ways. The last BBQ we attended, the host mentioned they were having steak. Just steak. I don't eat red meat, so I brought a chicken breast for myself for them to throw on the grill. I just think both sides can compromise. If I had a very restrictive diet or a preference that was difficult to accommodate, I would probably bring a dish or two that I knew I could eat.

    When I was losing weight and watching very carefully what I ate, I often ate something beforehand, chose wisely while there, and would also usually bring a healthy dish to pass. I did not request my hosts make me a low-calorie meal where all the micros were balanced. And yes, after eating healthy for months on end, it did make me sick when I ate fried or greasy food. I just avoided those things at dinner parties.

    ETA: And Lynda said it more succinctly than me. I think there is a big difference between accommodating someone's eating preferences with a dish or two they can enjoy and planning the ENTIRE meal around this ONE person.


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  • We have a friend who is a vegetarian (pescatarian I guess).  Whenever we had people over for cookout, we'd do burgers, brats, hot dogs and a piece of salmon for Kelly.  And usually fruit salad, pasta salad, chips, and stuff.  And she often would bring a veggie side, or something to share as well.

    I think accommodating with a dish or two is more than enough, as Lynda said.
  • Baked chicken, asparagus, and baked potatoes

    Grilled steak. Broccoli, sauteed mushrooms

    Fresh garden salad with griled chicken strips

    Pork chops with baked apples
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  • It bugs me when people don't eat what's being served.  Recently I was out at a restaurant with my mom and other family members who were paying for the meal.  My mom ordered something that she didn't end up liking and didn't eat it (at all).  So these people paid for a meal for her that she refused to eat.  I thought that was extremely rude, and immature.  
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_nwr-dinner-guests-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:2f6b6b51-e955-46d4-b7e3-0d07c797e259Post:5c04b210-9399-4911-9551-50581f730122">Re: NWR Dinner Guests</a>:
    [QUOTE]If it were me, I would probably try to do the taco bar and call it a day. I do think that it seems nowadays, many people feel the need to voice their diets and eating restrictions and expect others to just accommodate them. Don't get me wrong, actual food allergies are one thing, as is eating a restricted diet for medical reasons. And everyone is entitled to the diet they want. But growing up, I know people were still vegetarian, people still had certain food restrictions, but unless it was a serious issue, you just sucked it up when invited over to someone's house for dinner. That's just what people did. My mom would have been moritified if I was invited to someone's house and told them what they should cook to accommodate me. I don't know. Maybe that's an unpop op, but I feel like if it's just a food preference and not a dire allergy or medical restriction, I feel it's kind of rude to tell someone what they should cook for you as a guest. If your diet preferences are really that restrictive, I would probably just turn down a dinner party invitation, OR I would make it work for that night. Perhaps that's just me.
    Posted by Summer2011Bride[/QUOTE]

    All of this.  If it were me, I'd be mortified to know the hosts planned the whole dinner around my dietary restrictions. If I was being picky because of my general diet, I'd suck it up and eat it. And if it was for medical or allergies, I'd bring something with me that I could eat.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_nwr-dinner-guests-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2f6b6b51-e955-46d4-b7e3-0d07c797e259Post:7de181a9-b60c-4ffc-bc72-ba7c043930a1">Re: NWR Dinner Guests</a>:
    [QUOTE]It bugs me when people don't eat what's being served.  Recently I was out at a restaurant with my mom and other family members who were paying for the meal.  My mom ordered something that she didn't end up liking and didn't eat it (at all).  So these people paid for a meal for her that she refused to eat.  I thought that was extremely rude, and immature.  
    Posted by MrsGandthebeag[/QUOTE]

    <div>Why didn't she send it back?</div>






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • While I think it's important to accommodate dietary needs/restrictions/requests, it seems like this friend of the OP is being extremely difficult.  My sister went through a vegetarian phase quite a few years ago and dated a guy who was a vegan.  One night she was over at his parents house with him and they asked her to stay for dinner.  They had no idea she was a vegetarian so they cooked 3 steaks and her BF has a vegan meal.  My sister was not about to put the filet they had just cooked to waste so she ate the entire thing without saying a word.  Luckily at this point she was newly vegetarian so it didn't make her sick or anything and she did make sure they knew she didn't eat meat the next time she was over for dinner.  I think it's fine this guy is eating clean, I avoid processed foods and unnecessary additives as much as possible, but it's very difficult to eat 100% clean and I probably will never make that leap, but I think he has to give a little bit too.  If you are offering plain baked chicken and he doesn't want that "just because" I think he needs to suck it up or he can bring his own food to the dinner party.  If the party was a week or 2 away I'd tell OP to suck it up and figure out a way to do the taco bar, but all this seems to have come up only a couple days before the dinner party and the OP should not have to rearrange her whole menu.
  • I have been starting to eat simliar to your dinner guest.  I do find Mexican to be an easy "go to food" however, Chinese, especially stir-fry is also easy make.  If you were grilling you could do grilled veggies and plain meat for him.
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  • Stage, I completely understand.  After I got over myself and talked with my friend a little more, I realized my biggest annoyance was that she didn't just tell me that he tries to stay away from those things when she mentioned he was a picky eater at first, which was a week earlier. It would have made everything a lot easier. While, I never said I would specifically accomdate him, but I would never just not accomdate a guest. 
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  • We eat whole foods, mostly vegetarian, mostly organic and really go out of our way not to do any additives.  (We really try not to be obnoxious about it outside of the house- my FMIL feels that salads should include mini-marshmallows and/or mayo so I either offer to bring something or just say 'oh wow.  the fruit loops really do add a crunch to that.')

    That being said, it's annoying to find things out last minute in general.

    I think I have extra sympathy after going absolutely out of my mind making a delicious vegetarian, gluten free, no citrus, not spicy, no garlic, completely organic meal that was delicious on top of it and then having said guest the meal was planned COMPLETELY around coming over and saying, "Oh, no thanks.  I'm fasting this week."

    Information I could have used 24 hours ahead of time.


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