Wedding Etiquette Forum

Engagement Party/2nd reception in different state

I am from the Midwest, my FI is from California.  We are getting married in California, but do not want to exclude my family.   So I was planning on throwing a party either about 1 to 3 months prior to the wedding or 1 month after the wedding. 

 

My general idea for the party is having an open house where people can come and go as they wish, buffet style food, possibly a small cake and the radio playing in the background.  I am not planning on wearing my wedding dress or doing any traditional reception dances, as the reception will be held in CA.  I am also avoiding the term shower as I think that makes it sound like I want another gift as well as my wedding gift.

 

Which is more appropriate to have an Engagement Party before the wedding or a 2nd reception afterwards?  Is it appropriate to include this invitation with the wedding invitation?  Can I invite people to this party that I am not planning on inviting to the wedding?

Re: Engagement Party/2nd reception in different state

  • It would be best to have this party after the actual wedding and reception.  if you have it before, then you're obligated to invite all of those people to the wedding and reception.

    Are you sure your family won't travel for your wedding?  You might be surprised.
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  • Is there a reason you don't want to invite them to the actual wedding?  A lot of people travel for weddings, it's very common.  If you are inviting them but know they are not going to attend then either way is fine, but after is probably preferable.  If you are not inviting them, definitely after.
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  • That's funny; we're in the same situation, but we're having the wedding and main reception in the midwest. The next weekend, we'll have a second reception (a champagne brunch) in California for his friends and family. We're sending out separate invitations and treating it as a separate event. His mother is hosting this party, as opposed to the wedding, which will be hosted by my parents. I think this is more appropriate than an engagement party because this way, everyone can celebrate your marriage after the fact. Also, it's considered in poor taste to host one's own engagement party.
  • MommyMarta08MommyMarta08 member
    100 Comments
    edited July 2010
    I would just invite people to your Cali wedding... if they can't make it, they can't make it. If people will be upset that they will be missing your wedding throwing a party that resembles any other party won't change anything. They will probably be sad they are missing the ceremony, seeing your in your dress etc. 
  • I never understand why people think the US is so huge that people aren't willing to travel? 
    I'm not saying this is your case necessarily but I feel like I see this a lot.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_engagement-party2nd-reception-different-state?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:2fab1fcb-d64c-4c81-bb07-632352abeb5fPost:12e28c55-99ac-4287-9758-ce5fd22d0b60">Re: Engagement Party/2nd reception in different state</a>:
    [QUOTE]I never understand why people think the US is so huge that people aren't willing to travel?  I'm not saying this is your case necessarily but I feel like I see this a lot.
    Posted by nda_roxybabe[/QUOTE]

    I agree.  We're having almost 200 people travel to Cincinnati for our wedding next weekend. 

    I've been to 12 weddings and have had to travel for 10 of them.  If you have family in different states, your FI is from a different state, or eith of you went to school in a different city, then more likely than not you're going to have to travel for a wedding.
  • Thank you for all of the input.
  • I'm sorry, its just weird to me. Even if we still lived in Alaska I'm pretty sure the family would all come up. As it is, whenever we do get married we have people coming from literally all over the US and even out of country.

    I have no problem hopping from Cali to the midwest. It doesn't seem that far to me...
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_engagement-party2nd-reception-different-state?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2fab1fcb-d64c-4c81-bb07-632352abeb5fPost:b621146c-1a88-4339-8c9e-85aaf0c4c38f">Re: Engagement Party/2nd reception in different state</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'm sorry, its just weird to me. Even if we still lived in Alaska I'm pretty sure the family would all come up. As it is, whenever we do get married we have people coming from literally all over the US and even out of country. I have no problem hopping from Cali to the midwest. It doesn't seem that far to me...
    Posted by nda_roxybabe[/QUOTE]

    Yeah. I've lived in two states and FI has lived in 4 (and went to school in 2 of those states). We have FAMILY coming from Massachusetts, NY, Iowa, Utah, New Mexico, Michigan, Illinois and Missouri. Clearly, we couldn't just travel around celebrating with everyone.

    My mom originally wanted to host a lunch or something with her friends whom I've never met at her house in NY. I changed the subject.
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  • Honestly I had 2 "receptions" and know many people who did too. They were requested by family and friends who couldn't travel. It is alot easier for 2 people to travel than 40 elderly people or people with small kids.
  • My advice is to throw a party before the wedding (engagement party) and also invite them to the actual wedding (as this is a requirement.. all pre-wedding invites get followed by a formal invite)

    People are less judgmental about an additional pre-wedding party than a post-wedding party.  Also, I think your midwest guests would much prefer this option.  1. There is more hype before a wedding than after.. utilize this excitement.  2. Your guests will want to be invited to your wedding!!  Even if they can't go.. they will love an invite.  3.  Some people need an excuse to travel .. some people will love the idea of traveling to California!  You will be surprised how many people will make the trip!!

    HTHs!
  • Yeah I don't get why people assume because the wedding is in another state they wont travel.  Invite everyone you want to invite, & let them decide if they want to travel or not. 

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_engagement-party2nd-reception-different-state?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2fab1fcb-d64c-4c81-bb07-632352abeb5fPost:b5ed4d09-faa7-4666-93fa-fc5395f53c96">Re: Engagement Party/2nd reception in different state</a>:
    [QUOTE]My advice is to throw a party before the wedding (engagement party) and also invite them to the actual wedding (as this is a requirement.. all pre-wedding invites get followed by a formal invite) People are less judgmental about an additional pre-wedding party than a post-wedding party.  Also, I think your midwest guests would much prefer this option.  1. There is more hype before a wedding than after.. utilize this excitement.  2. Your guests will want to be invited to your wedding!!  Even if they can't go.. they will love an invite.  3.  Some people need an excuse to travel .. some people will love the idea of traveling to California!  You will be surprised how many people will make the trip!! HTHs!
    Posted by PharmacyBride[/QUOTE]

    See, I would actually suggest waiting to see how many people DO RSVP yes and then planning another party only if necessary - like if 70% of her side can't make it.
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  • For many people, travel is either difficult because of young ones in tow, or it gets expensive.  I think I'd invite immediate family to the Cali party, and throw another one in the midwest after the fact.  This recently happened with my fiance's cousin between Texas and Michigan.  We never would have gone to the Texas one, but it was great to celebrate with them and the rest of the familly in Michigan.
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  • I just don't get the whole second reception thing, at all.

    You have a wedding, in a single location, because this is not Star Trek and we can't teleport back and forth. You invite everyone you would like to have there, and they decide, on their own, whether or not they can make it. You have your day and celebrate with those who could make it and miss those who couldn't.

    At least, that's how I THOUGHT it went. Now you have your wedding and your party with those who could make it, and travel around to give those people who couldn't make it the chance of a lifetime - the chance to celebrate your wedding with you in person!

    People either make it or they can't. Unless you're having a small TRUE destination wedding - and I'm not talking about having the wedding in New York when you're originally from PA - I don't see why people feel like they need to have multiple parties. When you think about it, it's really just another weird layer of a kind of self-absorbtion - oh, you must be devastated that you couldn't make it to our wedding, let me throw another party in my honor so you can, you know, honor me.

    When did this second party thing start happening? If people want to come to your wedding, they will. You don't need to throw your own Magical Mystery Wedding Tour.

    Coming to a town near you this fall! My wedding celebration! Limited engagement! 6 towns only! Get your tickets today for this ONCE IN MY LIFETIME EVENT!

    Ahem. Sorry. I just think it's silly.
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  • edited July 2010
    [QUOTE]For many people, travel is either difficult because of <strong>young ones in tow</strong>, or it gets expensive.  I think I'd invite immediate family to the Cali party, and throw another one in the midwest after the fact.  This recently happened with my fiance's cousin between Texas and Michigan.  We never would have gone to the Texas one, but it was great to celebrate with them and the rest of the familly in Michigan.
    Posted by karenwjackm[/QUOTE]

    This is where the beauty of the adult-only reception comes in. But one has to make sure it's clearly stated on the invite :^P

    ETA: Not a crack at you, OP
  • if i was invited to an AHR, and not the wedding, i'd be kind of offended - unless the wedding was a very small, family only thing.

    i agree with Mery - invite everyone to the wedding, and if a large majority can't make it, then think about an AHR for those in the midwest.
  • Agree with most of the previous posters - a second reception will not replace the wedding ceremony for those who couldn't attend, and I don't think you have a responsibility or duty to try and satisfy the people who didn't/couldn't travel to attend your wedding.

    IWe're getting married in Seattle. I'm from Seattle, but my fiance is from Michigan originally, his mom and sister/bil live in Florida, his dad/stepmom are in Indiana, and his cousins are in Kentucky. I went to college in California, so I have many friends coming from there, and some even from overseas. I'd estimate that more than half of the people attending our wedding are coming from out of town, many from several hours (by air) away. And yet that's totally normal in my circle.
  • I think it really depends on the situation. My FI and I are having a vow renewal ceremony/ backyard informal "reception" the week after our wedding. His mom is very sick and cannot travel (His family lives in Illinois), just going to the store is too much, so we will be inviting the family to the wedding in California (where we live and where he is stationed) but we know more than likely his immediate family will not be able to make it so she can go to doctors appointments and be looked after. But it is very important to us that she gets to see us have some sort of ceremony, she has never seen one of her children get married, and the FI is one of 8 kids...sometimes there are reasons to have a second celebration..not always, but sometimes.
  • A Venn diagram of "people who think it depends on the situation" and "people in a situation that justifies a second wedding/celebration/can't-have-everything-we-want-so-we'll-just-do-it-twice day" is a circle.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_engagement-party2nd-reception-different-state?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:2fab1fcb-d64c-4c81-bb07-632352abeb5fPost:9cc6839a-1d54-4333-80f3-829d97d77b7a">Re: Engagement Party/2nd reception in different state</a>:
    [QUOTE]I think it really depends on the situation. My FI and I are having a vow renewal ceremony/ backyard informal "reception" the week after our wedding. His mom is very sick and cannot travel (His family lives in Illinois), just going to the store is too much, so we will be inviting the family to the wedding in California (where we live and where he is stationed) but we know more than likely his immediate family will not be able to make it so she can go to doctors appointments and be looked after. But it is very important to us that she gets to see us have some sort of ceremony, she has never seen one of her children get married, and the FI is one of 8 kids...sometimes there are reasons to have a second celebration..not always, but sometimes.
    Posted by lkosin07[/QUOTE]

    In this circumstance, if it was me, I think I might have had the wedding in Illinois so the mom could be there. It's pretty important to most parents to see their children get married.
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