Inviting to Shower and Not Wedding

jkfranklin

Is it tacky to invite people to your shower and not to your wedding?

Loopyseven

Yes.

shortee426

It's not tacky.  It's rude and inappropriate and gift-grabby.

jkfranklin

The wedding is a destination wedding and the plan is for a smaller wedding but there are more people that I want to involve.  Is there another option to a shower?

mica178

I think it'd be tacky and rude, but that's just my opinion.

garcias1

I agree with PP.

shortee426

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_inviting-shower-not-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2fae055f-57fa-438c-9962-de098a7c8eb5Post:689d3283-cac0-4a9a-9f6f-6020e25653d2">Re: Inviting to Shower and Not Wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]The wedding is a destination wedding and the plan is for a smaller wedding but there are more people that I want to involve.  Is there another option to a shower?
Posted by jkfranklin[/QUOTE]

<div>If you choose to have a smaller wedding, you choose to give up the things that go along with a bigger wedding (ie a big shower).  You can still have a shower.  Just make sure that whoever is throwing it only invites those that are invited to the wedding.</div>

sister2groom

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_inviting-shower-not-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2fae055f-57fa-438c-9962-de098a7c8eb5Post:689d3283-cac0-4a9a-9f6f-6020e25653d2">Re: Inviting to Shower and Not Wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]The wedding is a destination wedding and the plan is for a smaller wedding but there are more people that I want to involve.  Is there another option to a shower?
Posted by jkfranklin[/QUOTE]

A shower is rude because it's pretty much expected everyone will bring a gift and expecting a gift without inviting them to the wedding is rude.

If you want to incldue them, many people have at-home-receptions after the destination wedding. They're lower key and you don't do things like cake cutting or garter toss, but you host guests so they can celebrate with you.

rjtutter

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_inviting-shower-not-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:2fae055f-57fa-438c-9962-de098a7c8eb5Post:689d3283-cac0-4a9a-9f6f-6020e25653d2">Re: Inviting to Shower and Not Wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]The wedding is a destination wedding and the plan is for a smaller wedding but there are more people that I want to involve.  Is there another option to a shower?
Posted by jkfranklin[/QUOTE]
Choosing to have a small destination wedding is choosing to not involve people.  That's kind of the way it works.  Everyone who is invited to the shower (or any pre-wedding party including a bachellorette) must be invited to the wedding.

Some people do have a house-warming party when they return from their honeymoon to celebrate everything with those who couldn't attend.  Some people even have second receptions, but I think that's pushing it, and it will get mixed reviews.

PsyDet 2155

Yes, I think that would be tacky and rude.

cmcd16

Yes.  You can't expect people to come to your shower and give you gifts if you're not going to invite them to your wedding. It comes off that they are good enough to give you a shower gift but not good enough to be invited to your wedding-- destination or not.

squirrly

Small weddings are small.  That means fewer guests and smaller pre-wedding parties, if you have them at all.  That's just part of the deal. 

Your alternative is to invite more people to the wedding.  If they're invited to the wedding, they can be invited to pre-wedding parties.  But you have to be able to host them at the wedding if they choose to attend. 

Beachy730

Ditto squirrly.

Pesapenny

are you serious? tacky to the max.

wrdgirl

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_inviting-shower-not-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2fae055f-57fa-438c-9962-de098a7c8eb5Post:689d3283-cac0-4a9a-9f6f-6020e25653d2">Re: Inviting to Shower and Not Wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]The wedding is a destination wedding and the plan is for a smaller wedding but there are more people that I want to involve.  Is there another option to a shower?
Posted by jkfranklin[/QUOTE]

Nevermind what other people say about small weddings, I am sure you have your own reasons for wanting a small wedding.  When you say you want to involve more people do you mean you want more people to be able to celebrate the marriage with you or to be at the ceremony?

Since you say your wedding is a destination wedding i am assuming that a lot of people that you wish can be at your wedding cannot make it to the destination wedding and thus you wish you can involve them in something else at your home town.  If this is the case then I don't see why you can't throw a party at home after your wedding.  I think you may need to elaborate on your question a bit more as it seems what you are trying to say can mean different things (as we already see here). 

Again if you wish to involve more people due to the distance I can see why you brought up whether or not it is ok to invite people to the shower and not to the wedding because the shower will be at your hometown.  If you are just considering them to the shower and not the wedding because you want to do it that way then I don't think that's a good idea.  As someone says it'll appear gift-grabby.
 
If doing certain things are ok in your social circle I don't see why not.  There are no "set" rules as to how you should have your wedding.  Good luck!

Creese3213

This is a question I kept asking myself. I'm getting married in a different state and so I am  inviting people to the Shower that aren't invited to the Wedding. I asked a ton of people and they said people are more understanding these days on understanding not everyone can come to the Wedding.

I would love to get feedback from other brides.

kcscejal

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_inviting-shower-not-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2fae055f-57fa-438c-9962-de098a7c8eb5Post:d7f20694-cbcd-4198-b50b-483ddce41081">Re: Inviting to Shower and Not Wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]This is a question I kept asking myself. I'm getting married in a different state and so I am  inviting people to the Shower that aren't invited to the Wedding. I asked a ton of people and they said people are more understanding these days on understanding not everyone can come to the Wedding. I would love to get feedback from other brides.
Posted by Creese3213[/QUOTE]
Please, please, please do not do this. Smaller wedding=smaller shower or even no shower.  It's just the way it is.  Showers are for your nearest and dearest.  If they aren't close enough to make the wedding guest list they better not be on the shower guest list. The actual getting legally married guest list.

golden1215

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_inviting-shower-not-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:2fae055f-57fa-438c-9962-de098a7c8eb5Post:d7f20694-cbcd-4198-b50b-483ddce41081">Re: Inviting to Shower and Not Wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]This is a question I kept asking myself. I'm getting married in a different state and so I am  inviting people to the Shower that aren't invited to the Wedding. I asked a ton of people and they said people are more understanding these days on understanding not everyone can come to the Wedding. I would love to get feedback from other brides.
Posted by Creese3213[/QUOTE]

No!  Not okay to do.  Please don't.  I had a 30 person wedding so I had a tiny shower.  Only women invited to the wedding were invited to the shower; the only exception was I had one great-aunt come to the shower with my grandma (her sister) because she just wanted to be able to see people.  Other than that, people wont tell you they're offended, and they may even come to the shower, but they'll be juding you behind your back.

shortee426

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_inviting-shower-not-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2fae055f-57fa-438c-9962-de098a7c8eb5Post:d7f20694-cbcd-4198-b50b-483ddce41081">Re: Inviting to Shower and Not Wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]This is a question I kept asking myself. I'm getting married in a different state and so I am  inviting people to the Shower that aren't invited to the Wedding. I asked a ton of people and they said people are more understanding these days on understanding <strong>not everyone can come to the Wedding.</strong> I would love to get feedback from other brides.
Posted by Creese3213[/QUOTE]

<div>Not being able to make it due to finances, distance, etc is very different than not being invited.</div>

smokeybailey

Arrrrrgh!  The destination wedding circle.

I want a small wedding.
I will have a DW.
I will invite only a few people.
My wedding will be small.

But I want more presents.
So I will have an AHR
And a shower with non-guests!

Oye.  If those people are dear to you then invite them to your wedding.  If they can't come, they can still come to a shower or send their thoughts to you some other way.  Also, a DW is NOT an excuse for a small wedding because guess what...

I want a small wedding.
I will have a have a local wedding.
I will invite only a few people.
My wedding will be small.

courtney1188

If you want lots of people to be involved and able to celebrate your wedding with you, don't have a destination wedding. There's not really any non-rude way to go about it...you either get your destination wedding or you get to have lots of people there to celebrate with you. It's up to you which is more important, but having a destination wedding with an at-home party or shower seems very rude and like you just want gifts.

[Deleted User]

Yes, please don't do it. Whoever is invited to pre-wedding parties gets a wedding invite. Period.

If you don't invite them to the wedding, it simply says "you are not good enough to be at my wedding" but I still got a gift out of you.

Mrs.B6302007

I think it's rude to invited people to AHRs if they weren't invited to the DW in the first place.  To me, AHRs are for the people who couldn't make it to the DW, not the ones who were left off the guest list to begin with.  But, mine might be an unpopular opinion.

annakb8

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_inviting-shower-not-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2fae055f-57fa-438c-9962-de098a7c8eb5Post:d7f20694-cbcd-4198-b50b-483ddce41081">Re: Inviting to Shower and Not Wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]This is a question I kept asking myself. I'm getting married in a different state and so I am  inviting people to the Shower that aren't invited to the Wedding. I asked a ton of people and they said people are more understanding these days on understanding not everyone can come to the Wedding. I would love to get feedback from other brides.
Posted by Creese3213[/QUOTE]

I am also getting married in a different state. I live in DC, by FI and I are both from Florida and most of our friends and family live there so we are getting married there. My FI's aunt (who also lives in DC) has offered to throw a shower for me here, and I seriously think I will have to decline. There are only about 3 girls that I am close with that live in DC and are invited to the wedding and I think it would be silly to have a shower with only 3 or 4 people. I would feel bad inviting people not invited to the wedding. I would also feel bad inviting my friends and family that live in FL, Atlanta, New Oreans, NYC, and Boston to the shower in case they feel obligated to come. I am already asking them to come to my wedding which will be expensive for some of them. The bottom line is not everyone gets a shower. And that is ok.

marissa_claire

The bottom line is that you can't have your cake and eat it too.  Small weddings are a trade off - you're gaining some things you might not have had with a larger wedding but you're also giving up some things that are appealing with a larger wedding.

If you want to make them feel included, and you still have the option of inviting them to the wedding.  No one will "feel included" by being invited to the shower but not the wedding, if that's the impression you're under.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_inviting-shower-not-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2fae055f-57fa-438c-9962-de098a7c8eb5Post:5c589569-b428-4134-8669-9613556554c6">Re: Inviting to Shower and Not Wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Inviting to Shower and Not Wedding : A shower is rude because it's pretty much expected everyone will bring a gift and expecting a gift without inviting them to the wedding is rude. <strong>If you want to incldue them, many people have at-home-receptions after the destination wedding. They're lower key and you don't do things like cake cutting or garter toss, but you host guests so they can celebrate with you.</strong>
Posted by sister2groom[/QUOTE]

But only if they're invited to the actual wedding.

If you want to "include" people, invite them to the wedding. Really, that's all you can do.

jenc1017

I've been invited to showers and not the wedding.  I think it very distasteful and rude!