America/New Zealand Wedding

betz77

So... our wedding is in two years.  

I'm American, from NY, he's Kiwi, from the South Island of New Zealand.  I've been in NZ since 2002.  A little after the wedding, we will be moving to NY.  We're having one ceremony and two celebrations.  The ceremony and first party are in a small artsy, beachy town called Nelson.  We want to do the vows on the beach.  My parents are paying for the NY party, so I am not asking them for anything for the NZ one, especially seeing that they will have expensive flights to get out to the NZ one.  My fiancé's mum is going to help us a bit with the NZ one but it's still proving to be expensive combining the etiquette of the two countries.  

Here, the thought of asking your bridesmaids to pay for their dresses is appalling, while it's the norm in the states.   Cash bars are acceptable here, but being from the US, I think it's TACKY.  Dresses are hideously expensive here, and I want to get mine from America, but I'm not sure if that's wise.  I would love to use the best of each country's traditions, but I have no idea where the money would come from for that.  My fiancé is also Maori, and I'd like to incorporate some of that culture into the day, but not really sure how to go about it.  

To be honest, it's 2 years away and I'm already thinking of eloping!!  Of my 3 bridesmaids, only one is local.  I'm going to stress the poor girl out, I'm sure.  

laurenclaire1386

I'm sorry, but WTF is your point? You didn't ask a question or anything.

Stackeye210

I think it's nice to consider both cultures, but you need to plan a wedding you can afford.  Only you can figure out the best way to do that.

BecW2be

I love kiwi. It's my favorite fruit! (not really, I just wanted another post.)

danieliza1127

It sounds like you should have the NZ wedding reflect those norms and his culture, and have your NY party reflect the norms there (like no cash bar, etc). 

Did you have specific questions, or just thinking out loud?

sucrets4

One of the Australian girls here (thesuninherhead) got her BM dresses from White House Black Market here in the States.

bbyckes

What LC said. 

sucrets4

(PS - where on LI?)

betz77

Sorry, i didn't realise I needed to form a proper question to get advice. 

Here goes:

WHAT THE *F* DO I DO TO COMBINE THE TWO??

PsyDet 2155

Question?  I think it would be nice to integrate aspects of both cultures while still being on budget.  Remember that a wedding reception is a thank-you for the guests, so you should plan accordingly to that.

vallyhoo

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_americanew-zealand-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2fd3244c-4809-4cfd-9f9d-fe527ac92d30Post:20c256c9-64d3-493d-a440-6641aa7bb27d">Re: America/New Zealand Wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]Sorry, i didn't realise I needed to form a proper question to get advice.  Here goes: WHAT THE *F* DO I DO TO COMBINE THE TWO??
Posted by betz77[/QUOTE]

You're going to get great responses with that atittude.

bbyckes

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_americanew-zealand-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:2fd3244c-4809-4cfd-9f9d-fe527ac92d30Post:20c256c9-64d3-493d-a440-6641aa7bb27d">Re: America/New Zealand Wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]Sorry, i didn't realise I needed to form a proper question to get advice.  Here goes: <strong>WHAT THE *F* DO I DO TO COMBINE THE TWO??
</strong>Posted by betz77[/QUOTE]

Really?  That's not going to get you far on this board.  You can get advice a multitude of ways.  We need to know what the hell you're actually talking about in order to best direct you -- your post was rambling nonsense.

bbyckes

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_americanew-zealand-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:2fd3244c-4809-4cfd-9f9d-fe527ac92d30Post:fef27ef5-09fc-414e-9dfc-3ca189abdfb5">America/New Zealand Wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]So... our wedding is in two years.   I'm American, from NY, he's Kiwi, from the South Island of New Zealand.  I've been in NZ since 2002.  A little after the wedding, we will be moving to NY.  We're having one ceremony and two celebrations.  The ceremony and first party are in a small artsy, beachy town called Nelson.  We want to do the vows on the beach.  My parents are paying for the NY party, so I am not asking them for anything for the NZ one, especially seeing that they will have expensive flights to get out to the NZ one.  My fiancé's mum is going to help us a bit with the NZ one but it's still proving to be expensive combining the etiquette of the two countries.   Here, the thought of asking your bridesmaids to pay for their dresses is appalling, while it's the norm in the states.   Cash bars are acceptable here, but being from the US, I think it's TACKY.  Dresses are hideously expensive here, and I want to get mine from America, but I'm not sure if that's wise.  I would love to use the best of each country's traditions, but I have no idea where the money would come from for that.  My fiancé is also Maori, and I'd like to incorporate some of that culture into the day, but not really sure how to go about it.   To be honest, it's 2 years away and I'm already thinking of eloping!!  Of my 3 bridesmaids, only one is local.  I'm going to stress the poor girl out, I'm sure.  
Posted by betz77[/QUOTE]

betz77

Excuse me, but WTF are you doing on an etiquette board without any tact?  

I was venting/being really obvious about my point about combining two views on etiquette.  Just because there were no question marks, doesn't mean there were no questions.  Could you really not see my dilemma?

betz77

Sorry, It was a response to the first (and only at the time) reply of WTF is my question.  I thought it was obv and was quite shocked that she would bother replying.

laurenclaire1386

I assume you meant your last question as a rhetorical one, but I'm going to answer anyway. NO I REALLY COULDN'T SEE YOUR DILEMMA. That doesn't make me stupid. It makes you an inconcise post writer.

danieliza1127

Sorry vally and bbyckes, I think her reaction was perfect and it made me laugh out loud.  Any regular saying that and you guys would have laughed too.

betz - I see your dilemma.  Like I suggested, I think it will be important to honor the NZ customs at the ceremony and reception there how you can, since I would imagine the majority of the guests will be from there.  Maybe your one BM that is from there can help you figure out local traditions and your FI can tell you what he's seen done at weddings before. 

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

What city do you live in? My FI and his sister both lived in Christchurch. (FI was teaching and his sister was getting a PhD.)

If cash bar is expected in NZ, you might be able to get away with it. But pay for the BM dresses. I think you'll still come out ahead. If your mom is paying for the party in NY, she can pay for an open bar because it would certainly be appalling to have a cash bar in NY.

betz77

Originally from Freeport.    Probably will be more casual than a usual wedding though.  My brother's was amazing a few years back but my sis in law's family must have been saving since she was born for that!  ha ha...

betz77

Thanks for the replies from the people who didn't get angry at a lack of curly punctuation.

To the rest, I've learned my lesson.  People need to see question marks to realise there is a question.  I normally write in a blog so people just come out with advice without my asking.  I guess I'm used to that.

***My dilemma: I haven't got the money to pay for all of the best from both countries.  How do I pick what to have?  How do I save money when either culture is pulling me to spend more on different aspects of the wedding?  How do I incorporate an indigenous culture into a wedding without it looking like it's really obvious that I'm trying to do that?***

I feel like my fiancé and I are doing this all alone, and was seeking advice from strangers.  Perhaps this is just a bad idea and I should go with my gut on everything.  Or "run away" together and skip the wedding!  I'm only really interested in being married to my wonderful man.  Everything else seems to be for the benefit of other people.  

betz77

msmerymac.... I live In Wellington.

vallyhoo

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_americanew-zealand-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2fd3244c-4809-4cfd-9f9d-fe527ac92d30Post:822a7a4b-b64c-41a4-a1ea-24cb08fcb4e5">Re: America/New Zealand Wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]Sorry vally and bbyckes, I think her reaction was perfect and it made me laugh out loud.  Any regular saying that and you guys would have laughed too.
Posted by danieliza1127[/QUOTE]

Oh I don't care who says what, that type of bee-bee response usually is met with a lack of replies that's all I was saying.

Stackeye210

Betz - you really just need to sit down and decide on an amount you can afford and then shop around to see what sorts of things you can fit in your wedding for that price.  You said you have two years right?  Well that's in your favor because you have more time to plan, and you have a lot of time to shop around to get the best deals on everything.  You also have LOTS of time for DIY projects, such as invites, favors, programs.....all that stuff.  You could find alternatives to do DIY projects for non floral centerpieces that you can premake. 

You can make a fabulous wedding without a huge price tag.  Time is on your side, just get a reasonable price point and work from there. 

lizstill13

Just remember that you don't need to please everyone. If you and FI are paying for everything yourselves, plan what you want, in your budget. Certainly I would ask people who are familiar with the Kiwi culture what types of things to include, but you don't have to do them all.

emilyinchile

I'm from the US, living in Chile. We're doing the ceremony and elegant wedding here, and a more casual reception back home (by casual I mean catered buffet in a backyard, not pizza). My advice:

- Stick to the etiquette of the country you're in. We're inviting some people just to the party, not to the ceremony or dinner. I think this is AWFUL, but it's totally normal here. We set a limit on the dinner guest list for cost reasons and wouldn't have invited these extras - it's not fair for me to say FI can't have friends come to the dancing part just because in my country it's rude. Do a cash bar if that's correct where you are. You'll save money, and everyone will be perfectly happy. Spend that money on BM dresses.

- A fellow gringa living in Chile bought her dress in the US when she was home on vacation. She had alterations done in the US on that same trip, so it's an option.

- You have time to figure out exactly what ceremony elements to use. Figure out which things are important to you and which to FI and go from there. We're doing a mishmash of US traditions and Chilean civil ceremony, and if there are any mistakes, at least no one will know it's not supposed to be like that.

- Best doesn't mean most expensive. We liked the vibe of a more elegant wedding and something more relaxed, so we're doing the elegant stuff in the less expensive country to save money. Again, two years is plenty of time to work out what you actually care about vs. what other people are suggesting and budget for those things.

aMrsin09

I had my wedding in Perth Australia.  It took me a long time to accept it, but you will just have to pay more.  When I look at what I spent for the amount of guests we had I cringe.  It was, in the States, in the Platinum wedding range and it was no where near a platinum wedding.

Becareful with ordering stuff from the states.  The shipping can be a killer.

thesuninherhead

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_americanew-zealand-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:2fd3244c-4809-4cfd-9f9d-fe527ac92d30Post:fef27ef5-09fc-414e-9dfc-3ca189abdfb5">America/New Zealand Wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]  Here, the thought of asking your bridesmaids to pay for their dresses is appalling, while it's the norm in the states.   Cash bars are acceptable here, but being from the US, I think it's TACKY.  Dresses are hideously expensive here, and I want to get mine from America, but I'm not sure if that's wise.  
Posted by betz77[/QUOTE]
<p> </p><p>I'm Australian, and given that in many ways our countries are similar, I'm surprised that you state that the expectation is on the bride to pay for BM dresses when that's not the case here- it's always the BMs. That said, perhaps it is more of a Maori tradition that you're referring to?</p><p> </p><p>Honestly, I would wait awhile before planning (you're right, it's very far away), and do some research into Maori cultural elements of weddings so that you can incorporate some of those. Perhaps chat to his family about their own weddings to get an idea of what they might have done to incorporate those elements into their wedding? As for the expense- you've got two years. Keep the celebrations as small as possible, save up for what you can afford and you should be ok.  I understand that things are more expensive here (and in NZ, even MORE expensive) than the states, but there's not a lot  you can really do about that. I actually ordered my BM gowns online from the states and had them shipped here (which wasn't so much, but then, it was from WHBM so not 'traditional' style dresses), which probably worked out less expensive than purchasing them in person. There's other online sites like Nordstrom that you could use to purchase BM dresses that would keep the prices down. </p>

anne.azano

I'm American but live in Australia and am marrying an Australian in America...confusing?  Anyway, I agree with thesuninherhead... I'm surprised that the expectation is for you to pay for the dresses.  Obviously australia is not NZ, but you certainly wouldn't be expected to pay for the dresses here.  And all the weddings I've been to since I moved here (3) have not been cash bars.  

As far as combining cultures... we're trying to serve wine and beer that reflect where we both come from.  Sam Adams (I'm from the Boston area), and wines from Australia.  NZ has some great wines!  We're dancing to you say tomato, I saw tomato, since we actually do pronounce those words differently.  Maybe you could dance to something from Flight of the conchords--maybe it's business time?  (just kidding!).  We're serving traditional new england food, and are probably gonna use little aussie and american flags as our cake toppers.  Since we met travelling, our tables are gonna be named after 10 places that are important to us, including Brisbane, and my hometown.  And we'll put 1 photo of the two of us in those places on each table.   You could do something like that.

Anyway, I'm telling you these things, because there are so many little ways that you can personlize your wedding and incorporate both your cultures, if you talk to friends and family, read magazines for ideas, etc.  I'm sure his family will have lots of ideas for incorporating maori traditions too.  Just start asking, and keep a notebook with ideas.  I think that most of my ideas have come from bouncing ideas off friends and family.  Good luck!  

anne.azano

OH, and I know what you mean about the dresses being hideously expensive!  I'm shocked every time I go into a bridal boutique here in Australia!  But, in the states, we're pretty spoiled with cheap clothes.  How I miss old navy!

betz77

 "...if there are any mistakes, at least no one will know it's not supposed to be like that."

That's great!  We had a Thanksgiving here one year and the potatoes were really lumpy, so we told our Kiwi guests that it was tradition.  heehee.

I will talk to my fiance's mum and ask her what her opinion is.  She's scouting out our venues for us (she's closer to them, on the South Island), and she's pretty on to it and clued up about what we're looking for.  She'll be delighted that I want to include cultural Maori stuff.  I do have the best FMIL that anyone could ask for!

As for the dresses... all of the forums I've looked at, and all of the brides and wives I've spoken to here, they all forked out for the dresses and looked at me strangely when I suggested the BMs pay.  Like I'm being cheap.  I'll ask my BMs.  They're my besties, and all have good jobs and can afford it I'm sure.  I mean, I am letting them pick the dresses (except the length and colour), so I shouldn't feel too bad, right?

Wedding dresses are one of MANY things that are ridiculously expensive here.  People in NZ go to OZ for cheaper clothes - imagine that!  When we're in NY, we go overboard buying stuff on sale at Macy's!  I mean it costs 50 bucks just to TRY ON a dress here!!  It would be cheaper to fly to America and buy one than to buy one here.  

Thank you for the advice.  I knew I'd come across some Americans living abroad that could help me out!!  

I'm so going to check out WHBM!

thesuninherhead

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_americanew-zealand-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:2fd3244c-4809-4cfd-9f9d-fe527ac92d30Post:6625409a-a09c-4e59-aeb1-096c5c2825c7">Re: America/New Zealand Wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm American but live in Australia and am marrying an Australian in America...confusing?  Anyway, I agree with thesuninherhead... I'm surprised that the expectation is for you to pay for the dresses.  Obviously australia is not NZ, but you certainly wouldn't be expected to pay for the dresses here.  And all the weddings I've been to since I moved here (3) have not been cash bars.   As far as combining cultures... we're trying to serve wine and beer that reflect where we both come from.  Sam Adams (I'm from the Boston area), and wines from Australia.  NZ has some great wines!  We're dancing to you say tomato, I saw tomato, since we actually do pronounce those words differently.  Maybe you could dance to something from Flight of the conchords--maybe it's business time?  (just kidding!).  We're serving traditional new england food, and are probably gonna use little aussie and american flags as our cake toppers.  Since we met travelling, our tables are gonna be named after 10 places that are important to us, including Brisbane, and my hometown.  And we'll put 1 photo of the two of us in those places on each table.   You could do something like that. Anyway, I'm telling you these things, because there are so many little ways that you can personlize your wedding and incorporate both your cultures, if you talk to friends and family, read magazines for ideas, etc.  I'm sure his family will have lots of ideas for incorporating maori traditions too.  Just start asking, and keep a notebook with ideas.  I think that most of my ideas have come from bouncing ideas off friends and family.  Good luck!  
<p>Posted by anne.azano[/QUOTE]</p><p> </p><p>I don't know that you'll see this, but anne, where in Australia are you based? Brisbane? I live in Brisbane!</p>