Alcoholic at wedding

renatari

A very close family friend who has watched me grow up is an alcoholic. We have tried on numerous occasions to get her help & sometimes she gets better but it doesn't last long. When she drinks she gets aggressive (sometimes in an inappropriate kissing way), arrogant, & stumbles. Everyone on my side of the family/friends knows this is a problem but FI's family has not met her. I really worried about inviting her to our wedding. My parents told me that NOT inviting her is NOT an option. FI joked about giving the bartender a picture of her & telling him not to serve her, lol. Even if we did that, she would drink out of other people's glasses (It's bad...) What can I do?? Any advice/thoughts would be appreciated!

em01092

That's tricky. I see your concern. However, she is an adult and has to be able to make her own choices. Granted, if she truly is an alcoholic, I realize this is easier said than done. Maybe have a family member (mom, dad, whoever she is closest with) keep an eye on her? That isn't fair to them to have to babysit, but if it is like you say they might be used to it...

Do you not think that being at a wedding reception might change her behavior? Like, have you actually seen her do this at weddings? Maybe the expected decorum will get the best of her, whereas at a cookout or something, it doesn't quite click. Not that I am excusing her behavior, just hoping for your sake maybe she will realize that a wedding is definitely not the place to do that. 

Edit: Are your parents paying? If yes, then they do get a say in your guest list and you may have to compromise about inviting her. If you are paying, you can put your foot down if you really do not want this woman there, but be prepared for your parents to be upset. You said she watched you grow up, and didn't say anything too negative other than about her habit, so I'm not sure if YOU really want her there or not. 

I'm sorry you are facing this and good luck. 

kcscejal

I would point her out to the bartender and tell them to keep an eye out for her/serve her weaker drinks/stop serving her if she gets too drunk.  You can hire security to escort her out if she gets too out of hand.

eviltwin13

My best friend had several people like that at her wedding - complete with stealing other people's glasses after they were cut off by the bartender. Unfortunately, they were in the groom's immediate family, so leaving them off the invite list wasn't a viable option. Being at a wedding (actually, IN the bridal party) did nothing to change their behavior. If anything, the party atmosphere and unlimited open bar made it worse - and of course the in-your-face of "this is someone else's happy occasion" can remind people of the unhappiness in their own lives.

Ultimately, everyone's responsible for their own choices. No one should blame you for the behavior of one guest. If she embarrasses herself, it's on her - I would just give the bartender and maitre d' a heads up, and discreetly make sure she's got a ride home. Everything else is up to her.

renatari

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_alcoholic-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3033929c-a4d2-40be-8c9c-bd35a75c339fPost:94afab58-52a2-4e29-968f-069c3572de61">Re: Alcoholic at wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]My best friend had several people like that at her wedding - complete with stealing other people's glasses after they were cut off by the bartender. Unfortunately, they were in the groom's immediate family, so leaving them off the invite list wasn't a viable option. Being at a wedding (actually, IN the bridal party) did nothing to change their behavior. If anything, the party atmosphere and unlimited open bar made it worse -<strong> and of course the in-your-face of "this is someone else's happy occasion" can remind people of the unhappiness in their own lives.</strong> Ultimately, everyone's responsible for their own choices. No one should blame you for the behavior of one guest. If she embarrasses herself, it's on her - I would just give the bartender and maitre d' a heads up, and discreetly make sure she's got a ride home. Everything else is up to her.
Posted by eviltwin13[/QUOTE]

She is AWFUL at every happy occasion: Christmas, birthdays, christenings, EVERYTHING. I guess what's really bugging me is that I REALLY don't want her there but I don't have that option.

jmorford

FI's father is an alcoholic, and his mother is borderline. his mothers family is littered with alcoholism.
alcoholism is also prevalent in my family.
it's honestly easier for us to have a dry wedding. once we decided that we wouldn't serve it, i felt very calm about it. i was much less worried about everything- how much the bar bill would be, how everyone would be acting, how they would be getting home, etc.

yes, i'd love to have a glass of wine at my wedding.
but having alcohol there is really not an option for me.

mica178

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_alcoholic-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3033929c-a4d2-40be-8c9c-bd35a75c339fPost:a5eea3d0-e300-4336-ac07-bb86b3aacafa">Re: Alcoholic at wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]I would point her out to the bartender and tell them to keep an eye out for her/serve her weaker drinks/stop serving her if she gets too drunk.  You can hire security to escort her out if she gets too out of hand.
Posted by kcscejal[/QUOTE]

<div>This is good advice.  Also, make sure that you have the number of a taxi service on hand.</div>

em01092

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_alcoholic-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3033929c-a4d2-40be-8c9c-bd35a75c339fPost:2be71069-4803-4030-b5a9-c22792045ac9">Re: Alcoholic at wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Alcoholic at wedding : She is AWFUL at every happy occasion: Christmas, birthdays, christenings, EVERYTHING. I guess what's really bugging me is that I REALLY don't want her there <strong>but I don't have that option.</strong>
Posted by renatari[/QUOTE]

<div>Why? Like I said, it should depend on who is paying. I take it your folks are. Plead with them about it, and if they still won't budge, either find a way to pay for the wedding/reception yourselves so you have better control over the guest list, or have a dry wedding (although it seems silly to take this away from other guests if she is the <em>only</em> one with a problem). I agree with the PPs about giving bartenders a heads up, but it just irks me that you really don't seem to want her there at your own wedding. Is the alcohol thing the only problem you have with her or do you not like her in general?</div>

renatari

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_alcoholic-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3033929c-a4d2-40be-8c9c-bd35a75c339fPost:bb8544dd-6a2c-4357-8270-2bb51c6883c4">Re: Alcoholic at wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Alcoholic at wedding : Why? Like I said, it should depend on who is paying. I take it your folks are. Plead with them about it, and if they still won't budge, either find a way to pay for the wedding/reception yourselves so you have better control over the guest list, or have a dry wedding (although it seems silly to take this away from other guests if she is the only one with a problem). I agree with the PPs about giving bartenders a heads up, but it just irks me that you really don't seem to want her there at your own wedding. Is the alcohol thing the only problem you have with her or do you not like her in general?
Posted by em01092[/QUOTE]
No, my parents are not paying for the wedding, my FI & I are. But, not inviting her would put my parents in an awkward position & I would never do that to them. This woman has been friends with my parents for over 30 years. Her parents helped my parents get started when they moved to the country when they were really young. She's my sister's godmother and she lives across the street from my parents' house. Not inviting her would cause a LOT of tension, regardless of who is paying for the wedding.
The alcohol thing is the reason why she does things that I do not like. She is not pleasant when she is drunk, she says things that upsets people, & she makes people uncomfortable. Because not inviting her is not an option, I was wondering if anyone had suggestions for damage control. I will definitely point her out to the bartender & she doesn't even have a license so we're good there!

iluvmy0341

I know this is horrible, but I wouldn't invite her. My BFF got married in December, and they had a family friend that was an alcoholic as well. He was biligerant drunk before dinner ended. He was shoving his face in the bride's chest, he was all over the place. He even spilled a drink on my dress as well as the bride's train. It was a total disaster. Her parents said she had to invite him, but she regrets inviting him to this day because his actions created awful memories for her. Her husband is a Marine and the guy even took his cover off the Mr & Mrs table and was wearing it. I had to take it from him and lock it in the car....

feelslikeadream

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_alcoholic-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3033929c-a4d2-40be-8c9c-bd35a75c339fPost:fba43704-5573-4585-9a3f-64d259d76709">Re: Alcoholic at wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]I know this is horrible, but I wouldn't invite her. My BFF got married in December, and they had a family friend that was an alcoholic as well. He was biligerant drunk before dinner ended. He was shoving his face in the bride's chest, he was all over the place. He even spilled a drink on my dress as well as the bride's train. It was a total disaster. Her parents said she had to invite him, but she regrets inviting him to this day because his actions created awful memories for her. Her husband is a Marine and the guy even took his cover off the Mr & Mrs table and was wearing it. I had to take it from him and lock it in the car....
Posted by iluvmy0341[/QUOTE]

<div>Ummmm..Oh my gosh :(</div>

LuluP82

If you haven't hired a good day-of coordinator, I'd do that now. I didn't have this problem, but I was quite worried about how my parents would act, since they refuse to be in the same room and are total children around each other. DH was worried about his father, as he can also be weirdly inappropriate at times. We had a chat with our coordinator about our concerns and everything went smoothly.

A good coordinator will ask you what your concerns are, and come up with solutions for the problem.

jemmini6

I have the same problem, but with my own father...so obviously I kind of have to invite him.  I'll be letting him know before the wedding that drinking is absoulutely forbidden and will let the bartender know that he is not to be served ANYTHING with alcohol...not even one drink.  I'll also have a few family members and friends keeping an eye on him throughout the evening and if it gets back to me that he's had a drink, I'm kicking him out of my reception.

I think it's okay to let the bartender know to limit her drinks and then have your coordinator keep an eye on her throughout the reception if she's snagging other's drinks.