So many etiquette issues, I dont even know where to start (long!)

Sierra524

Alright, my FIs dad and step mom are paying for the rehersal dinner. I am so appreciative. Yesterday she asked me for the count. I told her 29. She said she counted 27. I asked her who that included and she told me that it included 4 grandparents...HER parents & his dads parents. We are not even close to her parents. I have only met them like 3 times in the 3 years we have been together. She did not even bother to ask if I had any grandparents that I wanted to include. I dont, but still...she didnt even ask. Well, I told her that my MOHs husband will be joining, and she was okay with that. Then it came down to the kids...and this is where it gets sticky. FI has 6 nieces and nephews that we are extremely close to. We spend a lot of time with all 6 of them and see them on a regular basis. Anyway, 4 of the 6 children are in the wedding party. The 2 oldest girls (age 10 and 7) are the only ones not in the wedding. I already feel bad about that part. So, when I told her they need to be included in the rehersal dinner, she told me they dont because they are not in the wedding party. Now, I completely understand that they are not in the wedding party, but I want them at the rehersal dinner for many reasons. First, I feel like not inviting them to the rehersal dinner is like saying "Hey, I know that your 2 brothers, your mom, your 2 cousins, and your nana are all going to be there, but you cant." Thats so mean!! Their entire family will be there, except for them?! Not right. Also, we are very close to these two girls and not close to her parents at all...so its okay for them to come, but not the children? How can I tell FIs SM that they NEED to be included in the rehersal dinner without being snarky & bridezilla?

Another thing involving FIs SM. She is upset with me because she doesnt know any details of the bridal shower. I dont know any details either, except for the date, which I told her. She wants to know everything..where, when, how many people, blah blah blah. First, she made a comment about how the bridal shower is happening too early. Its April 27th and our wedding is August 31st. I know its 4 months before, but my MOH is in the Army and her entire summers are taken up by trainings and taking care of her two sons. She also lives 6 hours away, near central PA. The date was set to work around her Army schedule, which all the other BMs are completely okay with. I explained this to her and she didnt even respond to it. And then she made a comment that they "seem to be out of the circle of information." How am I suppose to communicate things I dont even know? FSIL is part of the bridal party and knows the details, and has weekly communication with SM. Shouldnt she be asking her for information?

Now, onto my mother. She is driving me INSANE! She seems to think this is her 2nd wedding and is really trying to make me do things I dont want to do. I find it extremely hard to say no to her because she is helping us pay for the wedding since I no longer have a job. I guess this money comes with strings attached. Ugh. She wants to do 50/50 tickets and sell them at the reception. I told her I dont want to do this because its very rude to ask guests to open their wallets for your wedding. She flipped out on me and told me that its common in our area (which is true, but doesnt make it right) and how everyone expects 50/50s to be available at the reception. She said that she asked everyone in her office and they all agreed. Thats nice, but I dont care. I dont find it okay. She also wants us to do the dollar dance, the chicken dance and the bridal party dance...all of which I have NO interest in doing. I told her I am no doing these things and thatts final. She responds with "Stop it right now Sierra." I really dont know how to NOT do these things without her being p*ssed.

One last and final thing, involving my mom. She keeps adding people to the guest list, people I dont know directly. I am okay with that because she wants people that are close to her there to celebrate. But, now she wants to add these people to the bridal shower guest list. I dont agree with that. I dont personally know these people and I feel like asking them to come to my shower seems a little gift grabby. I told her this and she said "Just invite them, they expect it as part of being invited to the wedding." Isnt this kind of rude?

One more thing, NER...did any of you have a lot of people that were invited to your wedding by your parents that you didnt personally know? I swear, between my parents and FIs dad, there are like 40 people on the list that I dont even know, or have only met once for a moment. Is this normal? Do parents do this a lot? I dont mind them inviting a few people, but I feel like this is going overboard. We already sent out STDs, so I am expected to send everyone an invite. I really dont mind, but I just want to know if other people's parents did the same?

Jen4948

Probably the best thing to do is to not talk to your mother or stepmother about the wedding.  Ignore your mother's dictates about the bridal shower guest list-you don't know what's going on with it and who's invited, really, so you can't tell the hostess whom to invite.

I do think parents who pay do have some rights to input in the wedding, including who makes the wedding and reception guest list, and that can include people you don't know.  But if you're inviting guests of your own with partners you don't know, you still have to invite their partners.

Just let it roll off your shoulders.

winelover123

For all of the dances your mom wants to add on, who communicates with the DJ? Hopefully it is just you and your FI. If so, just give some sort of vague answer, "hmmm....k mom" and tell your DJ you do NOT want the chicken dance or dollar dance done and not to give in if your mom requests it at the wedding. As for the BP dance, same thing - give some sort of vague answer. Those have nothing to do with money so even though she's paying for the reception (or part at least) she doesn't get control over the dances. I imagine that she wouldn't cause a scene at your wedding to get these dances when she sees that they aren't happening...

FI's SM - tell her you don't know any of the details but FSIL does. I'd just keep telling her the same thing. "Sorry FSMIL, but I don't actually know any of the details. BMs are excited about planning it, and I think FSIL has details." When your mom wants to add guests, tell her the guest list is already set up with what your BMs can afford/the venue is at it's maximum limit. I had to fight with my mom about not inviting every female that is on the guest list - I'm not close with a lot of FI's family and don't even really know their names and faces. She finally gave in.

Lastly, FI and I are paying for about half of the wedding, and my parents haven't put too many strings on their money. We're lucky in that respect. We only have to invite some of my dad's extended family, but we found a nice compromise. Except for some of FI's family, I know every person invited to our wedding. I know that's different with a lot of weddings though. GL with everything!

Edited: clarity

Sierra524

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_so-many-etiquette-issues-i-dont-even-know-where-to-start-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:31171239-8c88-45e0-9d01-c22da3549466Post:555058b8-7688-467f-9c4b-ae2a32f8ff1d">Re: So many etiquette issues, I dont even know where to start (long!)</a>:
[QUOTE]Probably the best thing to do is to not talk to your mother or stepmother about the wedding.  Ignore your mother's dictates about the bridal shower guest list-you don't know what's going on with it and who's invited, really, so you can't tell the hostess whom to invite. I do think parents who pay do have some rights to input in the wedding, including who makes the wedding and reception guest list, and that can include people you don't know.  But if you're inviting guests of your own with partners you don't know, you still have to invite their partners. Just let it roll off your shoulders.
Posted by Jen4948[/QUOTE]

Its really hard to not talk to my mom about the wedding when she is the one paying for many many things. And I am aware that I have to invite partners of my guests, even if I dont personally know them & I plan on doing this. I just think its crazy how many people my mom and his parents added that I dont even know. I do agree that since she is contributing money she has a say in who gets invited.

s-aries8990

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_so-many-etiquette-issues-i-dont-even-know-where-to-start-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:31171239-8c88-45e0-9d01-c22da3549466Post:3b2c4854-f492-4867-a041-3a02185d2cdd">So many etiquette issues, I dont even know where to start (long!)</a>:
[QUOTE]Alright, my FIs dad and step mom are paying for the rehersal dinner. I am so appreciative. Yesterday she asked me for the count. I told her 29. She said she counted 27. I asked her who that included and she told me that it included 4 grandparents...HER parents & his dads parents. We are not even close to her parents. I have only met them like 3 times in the 3 years we have been together. She did not even bother to ask if I had any grandparents that I wanted to include. I dont, but still...she didnt even ask. Well, I told her that my MOHs husband will be joining, and she was okay with that. Then it came down to the kids...and this is where it gets sticky. FI has 6 nieces and nephews that we are extremely close to. We spend a lot of time with all 6 of them and see them on a regular basis. Anyway, 4 of the 6 children are in the wedding party. The 2 oldest girls (age 10 and 7) are the only ones not in the wedding. I already feel bad about that part. So, when I told her they need to be included in the rehersal dinner, she told me they dont because they are not in the wedding party. Now, I completely understand that they are not in the wedding party, but I want them at the rehersal dinner for many reasons. <strong>First, I feel like not inviting them to the rehersal dinner is like saying "Hey, I know that your 2 brothers, your mom, your 2 cousins, and your nana are all going to be there, but you cant." </strong>Thats so mean!! Their entire family will be there, except for them?! Not right. Also, we are very close to these two girls and not close to her parents at all...so its okay for them to come, but not the children? How can I tell FIs SM that they NEED to be included in the rehersal dinner without being snarky & bridezilla?
Posted by Sierra524[/QUOTE]

Can you tell FSMIL that there won't be anyone to watch the girls? They are still too young to stay home and since both parents will be at the RD, as will Nana, there won't be anyone to watch them?

[Deleted User]

Yes, I think an entire family should receive an invite to the RD if one of them is in the rehearsal itself. So the siblings of those in the rehearsal should be there as well as both mom and dad. Think of it as a family unit. You can't expect the mom and sisters to do the rehearsal and RD, and the dad and brothers to sit in a hotel room twiddling their thumbs--that's rude.

Regarding the shower--that is not your call on either the invitees or the details. Send your FI's SM to the hostess of the shower for information you don't know. You can provide a list of invitees for the hostess, and ask them not to invite folks not invited to the wedding (which they shouldn't do anyway), but the hostess manages the list of invitees, not you.

My advice on your mother is to pick your battles and then stand your ground. If her money is involved, she does get some say. How much depends on what you want to fight for. I gave each set of parents a number of guests they could invite, and allowed my mother to go over it because she is paying for much of the reception. My hard and fast rule was that I HAD to know the people she was inviting, no exceptions. It's my wedding, not her party. Mostly the extras she wanted to invite were distant cousins who all declined anyway, so it was of no consequence. My mother didn't try to dictate the traditions and customs we will follow at the wedding and reception (thankfully), though my FMIL was a little disappointed we were not doing the tosses. I just said, "That's not my thing, sorry", and changed the subject. She stopped asking after the third time. You're going to have to grow a pair unless you want your mothers to continue to treat you this way for the rest of your life... sorry!

Sierra524

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_so-many-etiquette-issues-i-dont-even-know-where-to-start-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:31171239-8c88-45e0-9d01-c22da3549466Post:bbb10e18-e407-4b48-a84c-b22df39b8676">Re: So many etiquette issues, I dont even know where to start (long!)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to So many etiquette issues, I dont even know where to start (long!) : Can you tell FSMIL that there won't be anyone to watch the girls? They are still too young to stay home and since both parents will be at the RD, as will Nana, there won't be anyone to watch them?
Posted by sydaries[/QUOTE]

The thing is, this is exactly the truth and I told her that, and she just said "well, their parents can figure it out. Its 5 months away."

Sierra524

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_so-many-etiquette-issues-i-dont-even-know-where-to-start-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:31171239-8c88-45e0-9d01-c22da3549466Post:90c891d9-fdbd-4ae8-a176-429ed388963b">Re: So many etiquette issues, I dont even know where to start (long!)</a>:
[QUOTE]Okay - I'll try to touch on everything. First - your stopmom and the rehearsal dinner. The difference between 29 and 27 seems not worth fighting over to me.<strong> I would tell her it's really important to you that the other two kids are invited and offer to cover their cost. As for inviting her parents, while you don't know them well I presume your fiance does. They were his step grandparents right? Seems reasonable to me.</strong>
Posted by scribe95[/QUOTE]

I think that is what I am going to do, offer to cover the cost for the two. Yes, they are his step grandparents, but even he is not close to them. He hasnt even seen them in over a year.

Sierra524

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_so-many-etiquette-issues-i-dont-even-know-where-to-start-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:31171239-8c88-45e0-9d01-c22da3549466Post:d6ddf8b7-3dec-4c81-805a-8b42e3b18dec">Re: So many etiquette issues, I dont even know where to start (long!)</a>:
[QUOTE]For all of the dances your mom wants to add on, who communicates with the DJ? <strong>Hopefully it is just you and your FI. If so, just give some sort of vague answer, "hmmm....k mom" and tell your DJ you do NOT want the chicken dance or dollar dance done and not to give in if your mom requests it at the wedding.</strong> As for the BP dance, same thing - give some sort of vague answer. Those have nothing to do with money so even though she's paying for the reception (or part at least) she doesn't get control over the dances. I imagine that she wouldn't cause a scene at your wedding to get these dances when she sees that they aren't happening... FI's SM - tell her you don't know any of the details but FSIL does. I'd just keep telling her the same thing. <strong>"Sorry FSMIL, but I don't actually know any of the details. BMs are excited about planning it, and I think FSIL has details."</strong> When your mom wants to add guests, tell her the guest list is already set up with what your BMs can afford/the venue is at it's maximum limit. I had to fight with my mom about not inviting every female that is on the guest list - I'm not close with a lot of FI's family and don't even really know their names and faces. She finally gave in. Lastly, FI and I are paying for about half of the wedding, and my parents haven't put too many strings on their money. We're lucky in that respect. We only have to invite some of my dad's extended family, but we found a nice compromise. Except for some of FI's family, I know every person invited to our wedding. I know that's different with a lot of weddings though. GL with everything! Edited: clarity
Posted by winelover123[/QUOTE]

This is what I was planning on doing with the DJ. We are the only ones who have communication with him, thank goodness.

& as to your advice on what to say to FSMIL...that is really great to say, and still being polite. Thank you!

aurianna

RD:
I think it's ok that she wants her parents there (assuming they're also invited to the wedding). If she's paying then I don't think your FI's step-grandparents are way out in left field. In the 10 years my dad and step-mom have been married, I've only seen my step-grandparents maybe 10 times. Maybe. But they seem like nice people and are close to my dad and stepmom, so we were happy to invite them. /shrug

For the kids, I'd tell her straight up something like "I feel very uncomfortable splitting up the family. Kids are sensitive at that age and I just don't think it's right for their whole family to be out with out them (which might also make it hard for them to find care for them). I doubt they'll eat much, but I will be happy to cover their meals if it's a problem."

Mom:
For what it's worth, we had 108 people at our wedding when it was said and done. Six of the guests were people that only my mom was close to, and four more were her friends I'd never even met.
We also invited five pairs of my FI's parents' friends (though only one pair was able to make the trip).

The mom stuff is trickier since she's paying for a lot.
Does your mom want the chicken dance to be a featured dance? That the BP is supposed to participate in? If that's the case can you just compromise and tell the DJ to play it in the middle of the wedding but to NOT call out anyone specific to dance?
Or is it that you just abhor it and don't want the sound of it to grace your ears (lol. I love the chicken dance but I know it's not everyone's bag).

Are the dollar dance, BP dance and chicken dance all hills you're willing to die on?
Or could you concede on the less offensive. "Ok Mom, I think we'll do the BP dance afterall. But I just don't feel comfortable with the dollar dance."

Or, if 50/50s & Dollar Dances are very common in your circle and expected and no amount of honest, "Mom, I just don't feel comfortable with this" will work...
This might be an awful idea, but if there is paper handed out to the table the DJ could specifically explain "fill out the paper at your table with advice or well wishes to the couple and trade it in for a dance with the bride or groom!" It's still awkward. So probably not great etiquette advice. And a lot of people will still give you money anyway. But if the paper and pens are supplied and the DJ gives specific instructions, at least you aren't directly soliciting money from your guests...
I don't know. I'm iffy on that one.

ETA: Scribe seemed to spell almost all of this out shorter, quicker and better. *face palm*

ETA: Oh. Shower. Yeah, I didn't invite any strangers to the shower my friend planned... Just tell your mom you'd like to keep the shower intimate and you really don't want her friends feeling like they're just being invited to an event for a gift. And then don't put them on the guestlist you give to the host.

winelover123

Ok, I have to ask - what is a 50/50?

Kate61487

Yikes, sorry you're having so many issues.  Sounds like you have some pretty overbearing women in your life so good luck with that.  My advice:

1)  The sisters should absolutely be included, you're correct.  If offering to pay for them doesn't work then I would just tell her "Well we appreciate your offer to host the RD, but it's very important to me that the nieces are included so FI and I will host it ourselves.  Thanks anyway"  This will likely wake her up to the fact that she's being ridiculous, but if it doesn't you can do a RD on the cheap with deli platters at your house or pizza in the church basement, etc.  Bonus: if you're hosting you don't have to include the step-grandparents.

2) Winelover's response on the shower is great

3) I would seriously judge a 50/50 raffle at a wedding.  Like hardcore.  That is something you do at a fundraiser.. like for underprivledged children or animals or someone that NEEDS the money.  Your wedding is not a fundraiser.  Will your venue even let you do that?  A lot of places require special permits for gambling (which that is) so perhaps you can convince her it's straight-up not allowed by the venue (even if it is; get your venue coordinator in on it so if anyone is seen with a roll of tickets they will be asked to leave).

4) Definitely have a talk with the DJ that those songs will not be played and that NO ONE gets the microphone outside of approved speeches. This may help prevent the 50/50 thing also. Your mom may be paying but these things have NOTHING to do with how much money is being spent.

5)  ditto winelover again about your mom's shower guest list.  I'd give the host a heads up that you have no interest in those people being invited so if mom approaches them they can be ready with "sorry the list is already full"

6) Outside of a few SOs we hadn't met yet we didn't have a single guest H and I didn't BOTH know, and we had a 380 person guest list and my parents paid for the whole thing.  I know parents do sometimes add guests, and our parents did have guests on the list, but they were people who have been around since we were kids and during the 4.5 yrs we were dating/engaged we'd seen them all at numerous social occasions.  "No guests we don't know" was one of our initial guidelines/requests so neither of our parents even suggested otherwise. 

Honestly if I were in your shoes I'd have a serious sit down talk with my mom.  I don't know what your relationship is like, so maybe it's not an option for you, but if I sat down with my mom and said "look, I am so grateful that you're helping us pay for the wedding, but this isn't what I want.  This is our wedding day and we only get one; I don't want to have any negative memories of being forced to do something that makes me uncomfortable (dollar dance, 50/50, etc)"  she would completely re-evaluate what she'd been asking for.  I hope for the sake of your sanity that's an option for you.

Kate61487

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_so-many-etiquette-issues-i-dont-even-know-where-to-start-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:31171239-8c88-45e0-9d01-c22da3549466Post:c2a242c5-cabc-427d-9080-930b31c4ccdd">Re: So many etiquette issues, I dont even know where to start (long!)</a>:
[QUOTE]Ok, I have to ask - what is a 50/50?
Posted by winelover123[/QUOTE]

A 50/50 is where people buy raffle tickets and then at the end of the night the winning ticket gets half the money raised and the "house" (usually a charity, in my experience, I presume here it would be the B&G) gets the other half.  Also called 'split the pot'

Sierra524

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_so-many-etiquette-issues-i-dont-even-know-where-to-start-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:31171239-8c88-45e0-9d01-c22da3549466Post:c2a242c5-cabc-427d-9080-930b31c4ccdd">Re: So many etiquette issues, I dont even know where to start (long!)</a>:
[QUOTE]Ok, I have to ask - what is a 50/50?
Posted by winelover123[/QUOTE]

A 50/50 is a ticket that is sold for $1. At the end of the reception, you pull a ticket out of a bowl or whatever & who ever bought the ticket that is pulled is the winner and gets half of the proceeds from the tickets and the B&G get the other half. I think its ridiculous.

manjermj

I'm from Pittsburgh - born and raised - and have been to countless weddings for friends and family in the area and a 50/50 at a wedding definitely is NOT common. Definitely stand your ground on that one. 

daria24

I have never even HEARD of a 50/50 at a wedding, let alone seen one. I would be horrified. 

I agree with your stance on everything, however at this point I would feel the need to give in to SOMETHING with your mom. For me, that would be the chicken dance. I hate the chicken dance. It reminds me of roller skating parties in elementary school. But I would let the DJ play the song and high tail it to the bathroom when it comes on. 

As for the BP dance, why on earth would your mother care? Just tell her your BMs begged you not to do it because it's embarrassing as hell to do the middle school sway with some rando you met at the rehearsal dinner. 

As far as the guest list, each of our parents invited a handful of friends that we only marginally knew. It wasn't a big deal to me. We were among the last of the kids to get married in our parents' social circles, so they had been to a million weddings for all of their friends' kids. 

winelover123

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_so-many-etiquette-issues-i-dont-even-know-where-to-start-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:31171239-8c88-45e0-9d01-c22da3549466Post:df2588e3-1f2d-4f44-976f-c92a6a9d5cff">Re: So many etiquette issues, I dont even know where to start (long!)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: So many etiquette issues, I dont even know where to start (long!) : A 50/50 is a ticket that is sold for $1. At the end of the reception, you pull a ticket out of a bowl or whatever & who ever bought the ticket that is pulled is the winner and gets half of the proceeds from the tickets and the B&G get the other half. I think its ridiculous.
Posted by Sierra524[/QUOTE]

Ahhh....yeah that's pretty awful. I know the dollar dance is common there, but never heard of this.

Sierra524

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_so-many-etiquette-issues-i-dont-even-know-where-to-start-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:31171239-8c88-45e0-9d01-c22da3549466Post:19ceedbe-7eda-4458-b54b-15faaaf87783">Re: So many etiquette issues, I dont even know where to start (long!)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: So many etiquette issues, I dont even know where to start (long!) : Ahhh....yeah that's pretty awful. I know the dollar dance is common there, but never heard of this.
Posted by winelover123[/QUOTE]

You're telling me! Before coming to these boards, I wouldve thought this was okay. But, now I feel completely differently. I mean, I never would have thought about the etiquette of this but now, I def do. Just so Im clear, <strong>I do not plan on doing this, no matter what. </strong>

Sierra524

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_so-many-etiquette-issues-i-dont-even-know-where-to-start-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:31171239-8c88-45e0-9d01-c22da3549466Post:f5bdfed1-f322-473f-924f-6d208dd48fa0">Re: So many etiquette issues, I dont even know where to start (long!)</a>:
[QUOTE] For me, that would be the chicken dance. I hate the chicken dance. It reminds me of roller skating parties in elementary school. But I would let the DJ play the song and high tail it to the bathroom when it comes on.  As for the BP dance, why on earth would your mother care? Just tell her your BMs begged you not to do it because it's embarrassing as hell to do the middle school sway with some rando you met at the rehearsal dinner.  As far as the guest list, each of our parents invited a handful of friends that we only marginally knew. It wasn't a big deal to me. 
Posted by daria24[/QUOTE]

Going to the bathroom during the dance is a great idea!! I never thought of that. I was thinking I could use that time to go around to the tables that have people who wont be dancing and say our "hellos" and "thank yous". As for why my mom cares about the BP dance...I have NO idea why she cares. Half of my bridal party cant stand each other anyway, and the other half are married. They all agree that they do not want to this dance either. I guess Im just going to have to tell her that they dont feel comfortable doing this. & maybe I am making a little bit of a big deal about her inviting people we dont really know.

Just to add...she just called me and said that her boss has a classic car we could use as transportation for the wedding. When I asked her what the other members of the BP would do, she said "well they can figure that out." She is really unbelievable sometimes.

AddieCake

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_so-many-etiquette-issues-i-dont-even-know-where-to-start-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:31171239-8c88-45e0-9d01-c22da3549466Post:23ebed79-4f57-4703-83ba-b772b121ec6f">Re: So many etiquette issues, I dont even know where to start (long!)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: So many etiquette issues, I dont even know where to start (long!) : You're telling me! Before coming to these boards, I wouldve thought this was okay. But, now I feel completely differently. I mean, I never would have thought about the etiquette of this but now, I def do. Just so Im clear, I do not plan on doing this, no matter what.
Posted by Sierra524[/QUOTE]

<div>I'm so proud of how much your thinking has changed since you first joined us. </div>

daria24

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_so-many-etiquette-issues-i-dont-even-know-where-to-start-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:31171239-8c88-45e0-9d01-c22da3549466Post:c417c542-52dd-49e4-bb00-7a9a0e984ee1">Re: So many etiquette issues, I dont even know where to start (long!)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: So many etiquette issues, I dont even know where to start (long!) : Going to the bathroom during the dance is a great idea!! I never thought of that. I was thinking I could use that time to go around to the tables that have people who wont be dancing and say our "hellos" and "thank yous". As for why my mom cares about the BP dance...I have NO idea why she cares. Half of my bridal party cant stand each other anyway, and the other half are married. They all agree that they do not want to this dance either. I guess Im just going to have to tell her that they dont feel comfortable doing this. & maybe I am making a little bit of a big deal about her inviting people we dont really know. <strong>Just to add...she just called me and said that her boss has a classic car we could use as transportation for the wedding. When I asked her what the other members of the BP would do, she said "well they can figure that out."</strong> She is really unbelievable sometimes.
Posted by Sierra524[/QUOTE]

<div>Actually, as a WP member, I usually find it easier to just arrange my own transpo than take the limo/party bus etc. Because I have to drive to the location to get ready, pictures, etc, then am I supposed to just leave my car there and somehow get back to it at the end of the night? And what about my H, how is he going to get anywhere? So I'd prefer to skip the group transportation personally. I don't think it's rude to NOT provide transportation to the WP, unless you are having a total destination wedding and there's no way for them to get around.</div>

daffydillie

With the bridal party dance... why dont you have them dance with their dates or spouses? Or have them line up and you and FI dance with them kind of like a hoe down with an upbeat song? I really do not think this is a hill to die on at all especially if your mom is paying for it.

The "money dance"- I do not know what to tell you to get out of it. It is just expected here and I know FI and I would not get out of it. The last wedding we went to the bride and groom did not want to do it they were more or less forced into it by the parents. If your mom is already clamoring for it, perhaps do the monopoly money thing on the table if you are appalled but I have found more people to be offended by that than the money dance itself. If people do not want to participate, they generally use it as an excuse to use the bathroom, have a smoke, etc. Also many use it as an indicator to leave a wedding and will stick around for it. Have it later in the night, perhaps do monopoly money, and leave it at that.

50/50? Never heard of it and I have been to a ton of Pittsburgh weddings. Is it a family thing? I have seen the money thrown at the new couple a few times when they are dancing by the families but never 50/50. I think you may have to concede on the bridal dance to get out of 50/50.

I do not see an issue with the classic car, that is actually very gracious of your mom's boss to do that and FI would be so jealous because we were trying to rent one for our wedding. Our bridal party is arranging their own transportation or chipping in on a bus so there is no drinking or driving.

I think the problem here is when someone gives you money it comes with strings. If you dont want your moms input, you should pay for your wedding yourself. We are paying for our wedding 110% but we allowed FI's dad to invite a few friends that FI vaguely knows. It isnt a big deal. You will be so busy and the day will blow by so fast you wont even have time to notice the folks that you dont know well.

As for the rehearsal dinner, I would offer to cover the plates. I think you may have to compromise on other things though that get any leverage on deal breakers.

Sierra524

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_so-many-etiquette-issues-i-dont-even-know-where-to-start-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:31171239-8c88-45e0-9d01-c22da3549466Post:c2cf63a5-1b5d-4ad3-956e-6f40ff82f8ad">Re: So many etiquette issues, I dont even know where to start (long!)</a>:
[QUOTE]. I think the problem here is when someone gives you money it comes with strings.<strong> If you dont want your moms input, you should pay for your wedding yourself</strong>. We are paying for our wedding 110% but we allowed FI's dad to invite a few friends that FI vaguely knows. It isnt a big deal.
Posted by daffydillie[/QUOTE]

Thank you for all your advice!! Im actually from Erie, not Pitt & my mom is insisting that the 50/50s are a regional thing. I dont really care, Im not doing them. && I would love to be able to pay for my wedding myself, however, I just lost my job & we are only 5 months out from the wedding. It was either accept my moms help (& money) or postpone the wedding. I didnt really want to do either, but the first option seemed alot better.