Wedding Etiquette Forum

VENT

So, my dad came to the US in the 70's with a bunch of his friends. They all graduated from dental school together and came over to the states because at the time, dentists were lacking and it was easy for foreigners to come in and become citizens.

Fast foward to 2010, my dad and the rest of his buddies (minus a couple) have done really well for themselves. My dad owns his house and all his cars in a well-established, popular neighborhood. And eventhough his business has been affected by the economy, he's still pretty well off. He's a hardworker and never spends beyond his means.

The other day one of his buddies gives him a call. Apparently, one of their friend's, who doesn't live in Philly but in VA, needs help. His daughter is getting married, he's broke, and he asked if the guys down here could chip in for the wedding. All of my dad's buddies and him are meeting up at a restaurant to "discuss" the situation tonight. I know my dad really well. He says he's just going to see his friends and talk and that he won't give any money, but my dad caves in easily. If all of his friends decide to chip in, he'll feel pressure and give money too. I don't want my dad to even go so he's doesn't potentially put himself in a spot where he feels like he should contribute. My dad on the other hand says no one is going to give money, they're just going to talk about the issue, and if anyone decides to give money, it will be later on, not tonight.

What do you all think? I just can't believe that someone would even consider asking potential guests to the wedding to chip in. Not only that, this broke friend has lived beyond his means for a long time (his friends are in politics and he has to keep up). He lost his dental license a while ago, and his wife is the only one actually working (in retail no less) to help pay bills. It just makes me so angry. Grr. sorry for the long post, I just needed to get it out.

Re: VENT

  • First - whenever I see your SN I think of shipping + handling.  I know that's off-topic. 

    Second - sorry to hear!  That's about the crappiest thing I've ever heard - asking your close friends to pay for your daughter's wedding.  Maybe someone should send this daughter a link so she can realize that maybe she should save up for it herself.  It sounds frustrating all around, and it sounds like an easy way out without anyone who actually cares about the wedding rolling up their sleeves.  Frown
  • Well, I understand your concern but your father is a grown man and it is really none of your business whether or not he donates money for his friend's daughter's wedding. It's his money to do with as he pleases.

    Honestly, I'm not even reading this situation, based on what you wrote, as the friend asking wedding guests to pay. It sounds more like the friend is asking the people he knows the best and trusts the most for help and it is up to them, individually, whether they want to give him money.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_vent-8?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:314c33dd-acb4-4055-8b14-45f8d9606752Post:446cfd32-6f3a-44ac-9bf9-7758da1ded93">VENT</a>:
    [QUOTE]So, my dad came to the US in the 70's with a bunch of his friends. They all graduated from dental school together and came over to the states because at the time, dentists were lacking and it was easy for foreigners to come in and become citizens. Fast foward to 2010, my dad and the rest of his buddies (minus a couple) have done really well for themselves. My dad owns his house and all his cars in a well-established, popular neighborhood. And eventhough his business has been affected by the economy, he's still pretty well off. He's a hardworker and never spends beyond his means. The other day one of his buddies gives him a call. Apparently, one of their friend's, who doesn't live in Philly but in VA, needs help. His daughter is getting married, he's broke, and he asked if the guys down here could chip in for the wedding. All of my dad's buddies and him are meeting up at a restaurant to "discuss" the situation. I know my dad really well. He says he's just going to see his friends and talk and that he won't give any money, but my dad caves in easily. If all of his friends decide to chip in, he'll feel pressure and give money too. I don't want my dad to even go so he's doesn't potentially put himself in a spot where he feels like he should contribute. My dad on the other hand says no one is going to give money, they're just going to talk about the issue, and if anyone decides to give money, it will be later on, not tonight. What do you all think? I just can't believe that someone would even consider asking potential guests to the wedding to chip in. Not only that, this broke friend has lived beyond his means for a long time (his friends are in politics and he has to keep up). He lost his dental license a while ago, and his wife is the only one actually working (in retail no less) to help pay bills. It just makes me so angry. Grr. sorry for the long post, I just needed to get it out.
    Posted by S+H[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>Wow. </div><div>
    </div><div>Yeah I would say that it's absolutely ridiculous for this man to ask his friends for money to pay for his daughter's wedding. Why can't the daughter pay for her own damn wedding? Why can't she just spend shell out a bit for a JOP wedding? Your father is a fool if he gives this man any money.

    </div>
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  • Hmmm mind your business? Your dad earned his money himself, he can do with it whatever he pleases, whether its a good idea or not.
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  • Okay that's just weird that they're even disucssing it.
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  • It sounds like your dad has a longstanding, supportive group of very kind friends.  They've been through a lot of life changes together; I think that's really cool.

    I'd advise you to butt out - he's a grown man, a successful businessman, and he can fend for himself. 

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_vent-8?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:314c33dd-acb4-4055-8b14-45f8d9606752Post:2918c0a1-5621-4b08-89ce-7ec3eeb7d8a2">Re: VENT</a>:
    [QUOTE]Hmmm mind your business? Your dad earned his money himself, he can do with it whatever he pleases, whether its a good idea or not.
    Posted by jeanna85[/QUOTE]

    <div>She said she needed a place to vent. You don't have to be so rude to her. </div>
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  • It's weird and rude that your dad's friend asked his friends for money to fund his daughters wedding, basically a party.  We're all planning them (or had them) but they're really just parties whatever size they are.
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  • Thanks for the responses. I know my dad is an adult and can do whatever he wants with his money. It's just frustrating that he would even consider giving money for this wedding. This friend of his has had money issues his whole life. He was irresponsible, lost his dental license, and instead of changing himself and acting like an adult, going out and getting another job, he just sits on his laurels. His wife is working a freaking minimum wage retail job. And on top of that, he's been spending beyond his means for years just to show face for his rich, political friends. I mean, I know my dad and his friends went through a lot together and it's hard when they see a friend struggling, but this friend created his own problems by being irresponsible. Why should they enable him by giving him money, for a wedding no less? It just seems like this friend is taking advantage of the friendship, and I HATE seeing people take advantage of my dad because he's a giving person.
  • S+HS+H
    First Comment
    edited October 2010
    I feel alot better now by  the way lol. I'm not going to make an issue out of it, but it just got me mad for a little bit and I needed to vent.
  • Heh, totally understand needing to vent. But just try to remember that if your dad has known his friend for 40 years then he knows how irresponsible he is with money and will, hopefully, make his decision accordingly.
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  • Did you earn your dad's money? 
    NO.
    You do NOT get to tell him how to spend it.
    period.

    If your dad were mentally incompetent a judge would assign you or someone else to watch over/control his money. Nothing you've stated sounds like your dad is remotely mentally unstable and therefore he controls his money.

    Do you want people telling you how to spend your money?
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_vent-8?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:314c33dd-acb4-4055-8b14-45f8d9606752Post:1b0dce0b-f207-4500-88af-23eb8409a5f0">Re: VENT</a>:
    [QUOTE]Did you earn your dad's money?  NO. You do NOT get to tell him how to spend it. period. If your dad were mentally incompetent a judge would assign you or someone else to watch over/control his money. Nothing you've stated sounds like your dad is remotely mentally unstable and therefore he controls his money. Do you want people telling you how to spend your money?
    Posted by skippylouwho[/QUOTE]

    <div>Simmer down. She already said she wasn't going to do anything about it.</div>
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  • Jeebus Skippy, calm down.
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  • It seems like you really love your dad and you are just frustrated that someone who is supposed to be his friend would try and take advantage of his generousity.  I'm sure you get that he's going to make his own decision in the end and do what he feels is right.  It's sweet that you are protective of your family.  If you're dad does give money - just try to think of it in a positive light - it's not just about him giving money to this financially irresponsible friend, it's about helping another dad to save face in front of his daughter and give her a nice wedding day.  Maybe thinking of it as doing the daughter a kindness instead of just the dad will help you stomach it better?
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  • Also, S +H, and I don't mean to jump on you because I think you've taken teh advice here with good graces, but . . . you really don't know what's going on with your dad's friend. 


    What looks like laziness and "sitting on his laurels" may be depression.  He lost his license, lost his status in the professional community, his wife works a crappy job and he can't pay for his daughter's wedding . . . you have no idea what this might do, psychologically, to this man.  You write that he's spending beyond his means to keep up appearances - that could be a really desperate attempt at trying to keep hold of the life he sees slipping away from him.    There could be all sorts of other factors at play, too. 


    YOu might say it was all his fault, but again . . . you don't know the whole story.  You don't even live in the same state with this man.  Your judgments seem very harsh, esp. since you can't possibly know all that's going on with him and his family. 
  • That's ridiculous. If a friend asked me that I'd say, "So your daughter and her fiance don't have jobs of their own? How are they going to support themselves?" It's one thing for the father to feel bad he can't give her money for her wedding, and it's one thing for HER to feel entitled to it, but it's another for them both to feel she's so entitled to this wedding that he's asking other people.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_vent-8?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:314c33dd-acb4-4055-8b14-45f8d9606752Post:2918c0a1-5621-4b08-89ce-7ec3eeb7d8a2">Re: VENT</a>:
    [QUOTE]Hmmm mind your business? Your dad earned his money himself, he can do with it whatever he pleases, whether its a good idea or not.
    Posted by jeanna85[/QUOTE]

    Personally, I'd be pissed if I knew my dad did that because he didn't pay a single cent towards my wedding except getting himself here. I doubt that's the OP's situation, though. And honestly, my dad wouldn't even meet to discuss it.
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