Wedding Etiquette Forum

No kids at the wedding

My fiance and I are getting married this November 3rd!  YAAAAY!!  We decided early on that we didn't want children at the wedding not only due to our personal preference for the mood of the wedding, but also because our venue is smaller than average and is set up like a loft with stairs and multiple "hazards"...the director of the venue told us how during other weddings he's held, kids were hanging off banisters!  NOT OK!  I personally do not want to have any distractions or accidents occuring at the weddnig.

My fiance's family is quite large, with many cousins, second cousins, uncles aunts, out of towners, etc.  In fact, the majority of the guest list consists of his family and parent's friends.  There are a TON of small children in the family, and I have been to plenty of their weddings and have seen the chaos that ensues from the children, who are hardly ever supervised or reprimanded for bad behavior. 

My fiance and I are paying for the wedding ourselves, and we really want the night to be focused on adults having fun, rather than children tearing the place up, which is a guarantee.  We both have nieces and nephews who will be attending, but aside from them, we do not want any other children.

My question is, how can I address this without coming off rude or tacky.  I understand that this is bad etiquette, but I also think it's bad etiquette to bring out of control children to a fancy event such as a wedding and allow them to do what they please.  We cannot afford to provide someone to watch the children, and honestly they wouldn't be controllable...this is a crazy bunch y'all!  Please help me figure out the best way to address this!!

P.S.  MIL has already agreed and is on board with the idea..in fact she has already passed the word around to some...I just wanted to make it more offical in order to take some of the pressure off of her...I don't want her to take the blame for our decision.
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Re: No kids at the wedding

  • It's not bad etiquette to not invite children.  You're perfectly ok to do so.  When you send out the invitations, be very clear on them about who is invited (however, don't put "adults only" anywhere on the invitation).

    If people call and want to bring their children, just say, no, I'm sorry, the invitation is only for so and so.

    Since a lot of the crowd is from OOT, you might have some declines, but that's the choice you're making.
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  • pkontkpkontk member
    500 Comments
    Ditto Dumdumfroggie.  I will add that just because other children at other receptions swung off bannisters doesn't mean ALL children will do that.  That's probably the horror story the venue tells.
  • Be specific when addressing your invitations, and be prepared to make some calls when people RSVP and include their kids.  Stick to your guns, and don't let anyone guilt trip you into inviting their precious angel.  There's nothing wrong with not inviting everyone's kids.  When you say you're inviting some of your nieces and nephews, how many kids is that? 
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  • I have kinda the same problem and I am looking for wording etc. We are allowing his cousins and my cousin's kids ONLY ... It only adds up to about 5 or 6 kids and there arent any newborns ... As for my friends... That's where I'm not sure how to word/phrase invites.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_no-kids-at-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:322d3c5f-02c7-4c52-9b16-fd623ac44f44Post:05b00453-c704-48c4-b16c-68df7414c446">Re: No kids at the wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]I have kinda the same problem and I am looking for wording etc. We are allowing his cousins and my cousin's kids ONLY ... It only adds up to about 5 or 6 kids and there arent any newborns ... As for my friends... <strong>That's where I'm not sure how to word/phrase invites.
    </strong>Posted by GunzNRoses213[/QUOTE]

    You address them to the people you are inviting.  None of that "and family" crap. 
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  • How many nieces and nephews are you inviting? Are you inviting all nieces and nephews or only some? The only difficulty I can foresee is if you are picking and choosing nieces and nephews and so and so wants to know why her kids weren't invited when this person's kids were, etc. I think if you invited all nieces and nephews, that's a clear cut-off and you shouldn't have issues from anybody.

    Agree with others that you just address the invitation to the adults. If you wanted, on the RSVP card you could put ____ seats have been reserved in your honor and just put two. That doesn't *guarantee* no one will sub in a child or try to add on a child but it might limit it somewhat.


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  • We are doing something similar.  Most of our friends don't have kids yet, but we are limiting the kids invited to our neices and nephews (around 9 of them), and our WP children (one will be 1 mo old, and another is like my neice).  I already had my gma ask for us to invite her sister's son and their kids, and I had to just be firm and tell her that we were just going to have our immediate neices & nephews and WP kids invited.  Just have a clear cut off and stick to it.

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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_no-kids-at-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:322d3c5f-02c7-4c52-9b16-fd623ac44f44Post:c7ef286c-1ed6-4572-9175-42b1b5dca3cf">Re: No kids at the wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]How many nieces and nephews are you inviting? Are you inviting all nieces and nephews or only some? Posted by Summer2011Bride[/QUOTE]

    We have 6 total between us both...3 on my side and 3 on his side...my 3 are still iffy...they live out of the country so we probably won't know about them until later on. 
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_no-kids-at-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:322d3c5f-02c7-4c52-9b16-fd623ac44f44Post:ad326dc4-edca-4bd6-b66f-a351b9cdc87a">Re: No kids at the wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: No kids at the wedding : Aside from not being proper etiquette, in this case it's just a flat out lie.  I wouldn't care if my kid wasn't invited to a cousin's/friend's wedding but they had nieces and nephews there.  But if I got an invite that said Adults Only and then went to find there WERE children there, just not mine, I'd be pissed at being lied to. 
    Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

    I agree. Although I wouldn't personally be horrified to see "adults only" on an invitation, I would be very aggravated to see that, show up, and find children to be there after all, especially if I had kids myself. Putting "adults only" and including children would be lying to guests.


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  • It's not bad etiquette to have an adult-only wedding.  It may be inconvenient for some people, but that's okay.  Not everything in life is convenient.  Just make sure you state clearly on the invitation that this is to be an adult-only event and get the invitations out early enough to give families PLENTY of time to make arrangements.  And I would expect that some people may simply decide to not come and that's okay too. :)
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_no-kids-at-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:322d3c5f-02c7-4c52-9b16-fd623ac44f44Post:7ac87cfa-c5ef-49d4-8e71-680755fd3fbc">Re: No kids at the wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: No kids at the wedding : Okay, a) please don't ever tell anyone what is or is not proper etiquette anymore, since you obviously don't know.  An adults only reception is fine, putting it on the invite is NOT. and b) this ISN'T an adults only reception anyway, so as I posted before, putting "Adults Only" on the invite in this case is likely to upset people who would otherwise normally not not have an issue with their kid not being invited.
    Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

    Ok so since you don't think that "Adults only" is an appropriate comment on the invitation, what do you suggest?  I feel that my nieces and nephew from my sister's marriage and his niece and nephews from his brother's marriage are much more privy to our wedding than a 2nd cousins children...no matter what anyone feels or thinks...I don't think it's appropriate to group our immediate family's children with 2nd and 3rd cousin's children into the same category...

    At the end of the day...I am not going to not include our brother and sister's children in the wedding because we don't want 40 other children there as well...I'm just searching for the proper and least confrontational manner of doing so without causing serious drama...
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_no-kids-at-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:322d3c5f-02c7-4c52-9b16-fd623ac44f44Post:34a8fae3-5dcb-42dc-9e6d-36320f7e6d78">Re: No kids at the wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]Ditto Dumdumfroggie.  I will add that just because other children at other receptions swung off bannisters doesn't mean ALL children will do that.  That's probably the horror story the venue tells.
    Posted by pkontk[/QUOTE]

    haha I totally agree with you...it's still a pretty scary concept to think about when it's involving your own wedding...we have spent so much time, energy and money into this day, and we don't want to be faced with a horror situation due to other's lack of respect for the occasion.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_no-kids-at-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:322d3c5f-02c7-4c52-9b16-fd623ac44f44Post:ad326dc4-edca-4bd6-b66f-a351b9cdc87a">Re: No kids at the wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: No kids at the wedding : Aside from not being proper etiquette, in this case it's just a flat out lie.  I wouldn't care if my kid wasn't invited to a cousin's/friend's wedding but they had nieces and nephews there.  But if I got an invite that said Adults Only and then went to find there WERE children there, just not mine, I'd be pissed at being lied to. 
    Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

    I'd just assume that the people who brought kids were oblivious assholes rather than I'd been lied to.

    But I tend to think the worst of parents most of the time <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-embarassed.gif" border="0" alt="Embarassed" title="Embarassed" />

    "You can take your etiquette and shove it!" ~misscarolb
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_no-kids-at-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:322d3c5f-02c7-4c52-9b16-fd623ac44f44Post:152b8760-20fa-4fe0-a3bc-f2fb94aa80b4">Re: No kids at the wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: No kids at the wedding : I'd just assume that the people who brought kids were oblivious assholes rather than I'd been lied to. But I tend to think the worst of parents most of the time
    Posted by wadingmoose[/QUOTE]

    I don't understand why our siblings would be considered assholes...I firmly believe that the immediate family of the couple has more privilages and rights than distant cousins etc...or else why would those people be the ones included in bridal parties, rehearsal dinners, etc? 

    And besides, at the end of the day, WE decide who we want at our wedding, not people who have contributed nothing but opinions and impositions...and if we choose to have our nieces and nephews there as part of the ceremony and the reception and some people think we're assholes for it, then they shouldn't be at our wedding because they obviously don't know how close those children are to us...
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  • aragx6aragx6 member
    2500 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    ^Just write out the invitation to the people you are actually inviting. No need to put "Adults Only" on the invitation at all.
    Lizzie
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_no-kids-at-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:322d3c5f-02c7-4c52-9b16-fd623ac44f44Post:8d53806c-32e2-4bfd-a20c-5413afc0fd54">Re: No kids at the wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: No kids at the wedding : I don't understand why our siblings would be considered assholes...I firmly believe that the immediate family of the couple has more privilages and rights than distant cousins etc...or else why would those people be the ones included in bridal parties, rehearsal dinners, etc?  And besides, at the end of the day, WE decide who we want at our wedding, not people who have contributed nothing but opinions and impositions...and if we choose to have our nieces and nephews there as part of the ceremony and the reception and some people think we're assholes for it, then they shouldn't be at our wedding because they obviously don't know how close those children are to us...
    Posted by rsaleh84[/QUOTE]

    I'm not saying your family are assholes.  I'm commenting on the feeling lied to if an invitation said "Adults Only" and then arriving to find kids in attendance.

    Given the parents I see taking kids places that are clearly not acceptable for kids to be at, I wouldn't assume that the wedding couple lied by saying the event was adults only.  I'd assume that the parents of the kids in attendance were overly entitled and thought their kids belonged EVERYWHERE.

    So, perhaps that alone is a reason to keep "Adults Only" off the invitation.  You'll make the parents of the kids who ARE invited look like entitle parents.

    "You can take your etiquette and shove it!" ~misscarolb
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_no-kids-at-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:322d3c5f-02c7-4c52-9b16-fd623ac44f44Post:8d53806c-32e2-4bfd-a20c-5413afc0fd54">Re: No kids at the wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: No kids at the wedding : I don't understand why our siblings would be considered assholes...I firmly believe that the immediate family of the couple has more privilages and rights than distant cousins etc...or else why would those people be the ones included in bridal parties, rehearsal dinners, etc?  <strong>And besides, at the end of the day, WE decide who we want at our wedding, not people who have contributed nothing but opinions and impositions...and if we choose to have our nieces and nephews there as part of the ceremony and the reception and some people think we're assholes for it, then they shouldn't be at our wedding because they obviously don't know how close those children are to us...</strong>
    Posted by rsaleh84[/QUOTE]

    No one is disagreeing with any of this. Go ahead and invite just your nieces and nephews. But if you do that, you are no longer having an adults-only wedding because your nieces and nephews are not adults. Hence, why everyone is telling you to not put "adults only" on the invitation (plus it's poor etiquette).


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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_no-kids-at-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:322d3c5f-02c7-4c52-9b16-fd623ac44f44Post:a5a89c39-dd19-44d8-9064-4eb55c659735">Re: No kids at the wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: No kids at the wedding : No one is disagreeing with any of this. Go ahead and invite just your nieces and nephews. But if you do that, you are no longer having an adults-only wedding because your nieces and nephews are not adults. Hence, why everyone is telling you to not put "adults only" on the invitation (plus it's poor etiquette).
    Posted by Summer2011Bride[/QUOTE]

    You are not only completely delusional in your thought process, but you are also someone with a lack of empathy and a lack of understanding, and that, dear, is a sad way to live life.  I hope you do not handle situations with your new husband as you did with this post, because I can assure you that he will eventually tire of your condescension and your lack of respect for another's wishes.  I would appreciate it if you did not respond to any of my future posts, because your opinion is of no value to me.  Thank you.
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  • Thank you everyone for your responses...the majority of you understood where I was coming from, and for that I truly appreciate it.  We are all women trying to create a beautiful day to share with our future husbands and with our families, and sometimes that gets a little tricky.  That does not in any way mean that a person lacks etiquette wholeheartedly, but rather that life got in the way of what is considered etiquettely wise. 
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  • edited June 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_no-kids-at-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:322d3c5f-02c7-4c52-9b16-fd623ac44f44Post:629c0cab-e695-4143-8cfd-98f5ac8bd3a9">Re: No kids at the wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: No kids at the wedding : You are not only completely delusional in your thought process, but you are also someone with a lack of empathy and a lack of understanding, and that, dear, is a sad way to live life.  I hope you do not handle situations with your new husband as you did with this post, because I can assure you that he will eventually tire of your condescension and your lack of respect for another's wishes.  I would appreciate it if you did not respond to any of my future posts, because your opinion is of no value to me.  Thank you.
    Posted by rsaleh84[/QUOTE]

    Haha I think you are delusional. I frankly had to re-read my post because I don't think we were even reading the same thing. This response of yours is coming out of left field. Many of us have told you to not put adults only on your invitation, but I guess you want to single me out. Ok. I'm fine with that. I still have no idea how my response was disrespectful. You ARE NOT having an adults-only wedding if there are kids there. I was actually agreeing with you that you should invite nieces and nephews if you want. I think you need to go have a drink or something and calm the crap down.

    And by the way, it's a public message board. I can respond to whomever I want. You are new and I would hang around the boards more before posting bad advice. I see from your other posts that you are advocating things like HM registries (which are generally seen as rude). I think you need to get some thicker skin or you will keep having your feelings hurt by people just giving you honest advice on these boares.


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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_no-kids-at-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:322d3c5f-02c7-4c52-9b16-fd623ac44f44Post:00b96d34-ccfb-4b60-a0f8-9201c67db2c3">Re: No kids at the wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: No kids at the wedding : Haha I think you are delusional. I frankly had to re-read my post because I don't think we were even reading the same thing. This response of yours is coming out of left field. Many of us have told you to not put adults only on your invitation, but I guess you want to single me out. Ok. I'm fine with that. I still have no idea how my response was disrespectful. You ARE NOT having an adults-only wedding if there are kids there. I was actually agreeing with you that you should invite nieces and nephews if you want. I think you need to go have a drink or something and calm the crap down. And by the way, it's a public message board. I can respond to whomever I want. You are new and I would hang around the boards more before posting bad advice. I see from your other posts that you are advocating things like HM registries (which are generally seen as rude). I think you need to get some thicker skin or you will keep having your feelings hurt by people just giving you honest advice on these boares.
    Posted by Summer2011Bride[/QUOTE]

    Nope, pretty sure my feelings weren't hurt.  And as I stated earlier, your opinion on whether or not I should have  kids was not the purpose of the post, but rather how I should go about letting guests know their kids are not included in the guest list.  You felt the need to let me know that having my own nieces and nephews at my wedding was tacky since I didn't want any other children there, but in the end, I disagree with you. You are not nor have you ever been the lead example of etiquette, as is evident in your sarcastic and rude comment above.   If you hadn't been so adamant about pointing out how wrong our decision was, you may have had the chance to understand where we were coming from, rather than trying to advocate your closeminded mentality.

    And as far as my response to the other post about the HM registry, that is also my opinion.  I do not care whether or not you think it's rude or tacky.  Public forums, right?  You should truly get off your high horse.
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