Marriage Certificate Already Signed,

HannaB13

Hi, I'm sure I'm not the first person to have done this. 

My fiance(/husband) and I got engaged last September and our wedding is this September. When his job cut his hours, he lost his medical benefits. I have good benefits and I worry about him, so I added him to mine. In order to do so we had to get legally married, so we went down to the courthouse last month and signed our marriage certificate.

So, we're married in the eyes of the government already. We haven't told any of our family and I'm worried that my parents will withdraw their financial support of the wedding if we do tell them, but it's going to come up at the ceremony! I know I'm not the first person who's done this, so does anyone have any suggestions on how to approach it with the family?

Any suggestions would be great, thank you!

renegade gaucho

You need to tell your family that you are already married, as it's not okay to lie to them, and plan to pay for your vow renewal yourself if they decide they don't want to pay for a wedding when you are already married.

Lissa1213

Sorry but you have to tell them the truth.  I couldn't imagine taking money from my parents under false pretenses.  Just tell them exactly what you wrote here, it's much better than lying about being married

STARMOON44

Tell your parents, because lying to them to get their money is stealing. Cancel your wedding, because you are already married. Invite people to a fun party to celebrate. Choices have consequences

cofkel

You didn't "sign your marriage certificate," you got married. They are not two seperate things. Like signing it "early" is just a signature on a piece of paper. Please tell your family ASAP and if your parents take the money away so be it, as Starmoon said, Choices have consequences.

antibride2013

Exactly what everyone said.  You would be stealing your parents money by lying to them.  You are already married, so no wedding.  No showers, no registering for gifts, no attendants, no spotlight dances.  Have a marriage celebration party, and celebrate your marriage. 

GoodLuckBear14

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_marriage-certificate-already-signed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:3266739a-1946-446b-a204-f57faa0acbddPost:0aab0bac-f77f-47b9-87c4-70eea8dca265">Marriage Certificate Already Signed,</a>:
[QUOTE]Hi, I'm sure I'm not the first person to have done this.  My fiance(/husband) and I got engaged last September and our wedding is this September. When his job cut his hours, he lost his medical benefits. I have good benefits and I worry about him, so I added him to mine. In order to do so we had to get legally married, so we went down to the courthouse last month and signed our marriage certificate. So, we're married in the eyes of the government already. We haven't told any of our family and I'm worried that my parents will withdraw their financial support of the wedding if we do tell them, but it's going to come up at the ceremony! I know I'm not the first person who's done this, so does anyone have any suggestions on how to approach it with the family? Any suggestions would be great, thank you!
Posted by HannaB13[/QUOTE]

Part of being an adult means making adult decisions.  You made the choice to get married immediately so that your DH could be on your insurance.  Now you get to have the adult consquences of not getting to have a big pretty princess day.

You can throw a party to celebrate yoru marriage but to pretend to get married (again) is disrespectful and insulting to your guests.

AddieCake

If you want to go through with this, you need to pay for it yourselves. I think it's horrible that you want to lie to your parents and steal their money that way. 

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_marriage-certificate-already-signed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3266739a-1946-446b-a204-f57faa0acbddPost:0aab0bac-f77f-47b9-87c4-70eea8dca265">Marriage Certificate Already Signed,</a>:
[QUOTE]Hi, I'm sure I'm not the first person to have done this.  My fiance(/husband) and I got engaged last September and our wedding is this September. When his job cut his hours, he lost his medical benefits. I have good benefits and I worry about him, so I added him to mine. In order to do so we had to get legally married, so we went down to the courthouse last month and signed our marriage certificate. So, we're married in the eyes of the government already. We haven't told any of our family and I'm worried that my parents will withdraw their financial support of the wedding if we do tell them, but it's going to come up at the ceremony! I know I'm not the first person who's done this, so does anyone have any suggestions on how to approach it with the family? Any suggestions would be great, thank you!
Posted by HannaB13[/QUOTE]

<div>You're right, you're probably not the first person to have done it... the day you are planning is what TK calls a PPD. I suggest listening to PPs.</div>

AdeleDazeem

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_marriage-certificate-already-signed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3266739a-1946-446b-a204-f57faa0acbddPost:609648d8-2bd7-4368-86dd-71202e39612e">Re: Marriage Certificate Already Signed,</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Marriage Certificate Already Signed, : Part of being an adult means making adult decisions.  You made the choice to get married immediately so that your DH could be on your insurance.  Now you get to have the adult consquences of not getting to have a big pretty princess day. You can throw a party to celebrate yoru marriage but to pretend to get married (again) is disrespectful and insulting to your guests.
Posted by GoodLuckBear14[/QUOTE]

<p><img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/cs/emoticons/emotion-21.gif" alt="Yes" /></p>

Knottie_22382102

There is no reason you should ever consider deceiving your family. You have to tell them. I would suggest downgrading the event to a celebration of your marriage.

I'm going to get slammed for sharing this...It's not meant to be advice or encouraging of it but it's meant to be a perspective.

My cousin got married at the court for medical reasons (in their case, she needed immediate medical treatment), did not live as man and wife, did not consider themselves married because it wasn't performed in the church, and did not have a celebration. A year later, they had a big church wedding with the dress etc... They consider that date their anniversary date.

Yes, legally they were married a year earlier. Yes, the etiquette guidelines considers it bad etiquette.  But we happily accepted everything about it as their family and it really was no different to us because we were there for the ceremony that we felt bound them.  Maybe one distinction to be made is that she had a life-threatening illness that needed care immediately. 

I should add their wedding had about 25-30 guests total and there was no shower

happyfor25

Since you said you afraid they will pull the financial support, I think you know that your family would not be OK with your current plans. 

As I've said in other posts like this, I did this and I hurt my family and friends deeply

Please talk to your family now and they will likely understand.  "Surprising" them in September will not end well.  Your memories of your wedding will be forever tainted by this.

ETA:  I completely understand why you did this.  What you do now is what matters.  Definitely have a party to celebrate your marriage...who doesn't love a great party?!

hgminor

Agree with PPs-

You need to tell your parents.  Maybe they would be willing to still pay for the party, but they can save all that money that was spent on the ceremony.  Or maybe they will take all the money and you'll pay for a party yourself.  Regardless, it's definetly better in the long run to be honest with them.  If it came out at the wedding that you were already married that could be a horrifying or humiliating moment for both you and your families.

Also, to everyone else, what does PPD stand for exactly?  I've gotten the concept of it, but my brain isn't putting together what the letters mean...

happyfor25

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_marriage-certificate-already-signed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:3266739a-1946-446b-a204-f57faa0acbddPost:8b88b1df-d413-401e-bdd4-020b50e45907">Re: Marriage Certificate Already Signed,</a>:
[QUOTE]Agree with PPs- You need to tell your parents.  Maybe they would be willing to still pay for the party, but they can save all that money that was spent on the ceremony.  Or maybe they will take all the money and you'll pay for a party yourself.  Regardless, it's definetly better in the long run to be honest with them.  If it came out at the wedding that you were already married that could be a horrifying or humiliating moment for both you and your families. Also, to everyone else, what does PPD stand for exactly?  I've gotten the concept of it, but my brain isn't putting together what the letters mean...
Posted by hgminor[/QUOTE]

Pretty Princess Day

GoodLuckBear14

PPD = Pretty Princess Day

hgminor

OH!!  Yeah, my brain was no where near that!

Thanks!

GoofyAssChick

HannahB,

As the other ladies here have stated, this wouldn't be a wedding.  You're already married.  (Congratulations!)  Although it's not the wedding YOU dreamed of, it was a wedding nonetheless and people get married by a justice of the peace every single day and are just as married as those that had a big ol' shindig. 

You should really tell your parents.  They would want to know and will be very hurt if they find out and you didn't tell them.  You can still have a party to celebrate your marriage, but it won't be a wedding.  You both made a choice to get married in order to put him on your insurance.  We almost did the same thing last November.  But we weighed the consequences as adults prior to doing so and discussed it with our familes.  I also posted on here asking for advice on what to do etiquette wise in the event we would get married and these ladies gave me the same advice they are giving you.   In the end, we decided to wing it since my FI is pretty healthy and each doctor's visit was only $100 if/when he gets sick. 

I know you're not going to like the advice given to you.  The truth sometimes hurts hurts.  But you both made a choice together.  And it would not be fair to your guests or for your families to do things as planned anymore.  Plan a renewal of vows and let everyone know.  People will understand.  But your families will still be hurt that you lied to them. 

Good luck! 

HannaB13

Thanks for repeating what my gut was telling me. 

Will do.

KnotIrene

I like Joy's thumbs up--I had faith that someone would find a way to "like" a post!!

happyfor25

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_marriage-certificate-already-signed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:3266739a-1946-446b-a204-f57faa0acbddPost:d5df810d-b7c6-4dc8-91c1-df068ef19fe5">Re: Marriage Certificate Already Signed,</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks for repeating what my gut was telling me.  Will do.
Posted by HannaB13[/QUOTE]

Hanna I'm so glad to hear this.  If you and H just sit down and tell your family what you told us, I think they will be very understanding and will likely still want a celebration as well.  Good luck and congratulations on your marriage!

Knottie_22382102

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_marriage-certificate-already-signed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3266739a-1946-446b-a204-f57faa0acbddPost:d5df810d-b7c6-4dc8-91c1-df068ef19fe5">Re: Marriage Certificate Already Signed,</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks for repeating what my gut was telling me.  Will do.
Posted by HannaB13[/QUOTE]

Excellent!! Congratulations!

GoodLuckBear14

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_marriage-certificate-already-signed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:3266739a-1946-446b-a204-f57faa0acbddPost:d5df810d-b7c6-4dc8-91c1-df068ef19fe5">Re: Marriage Certificate Already Signed,</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks for repeating what my gut was telling me.  Will do.
Posted by HannaB13[/QUOTE]

Nice to hear this.  Good luck.

Peledreamsofrain

Do not under any circumstances take your family's money under false pretenses.  In the legal world, that is theft, and they'd have every legal right to persue action to recover said money.  I'm thinking that you do not have the resources to reimburse them.  Also, their money is not your toy, you do not get to play with it.  It is thier lives, their food, their roof over thier head.  It's deeply wrong to play with those things, and people react VERY badly to it.

You can have a party to celebrate your marriage, there's nothing wrong with that.  Just don't pretend it's your wedding (it's not).  Raise the roof, keep the town up all night, have a blast, stuff your family silly with food, enjoy the heck outta yourselves.  Just don't start your marriage with lies and theft.  Your marriage deserves more than that, doesn't it?

Sierra524

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_marriage-certificate-already-signed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3266739a-1946-446b-a204-f57faa0acbddPost:d5df810d-b7c6-4dc8-91c1-df068ef19fe5">Re: Marriage Certificate Already Signed,</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks for repeating what my gut was telling me.  Will do.
Posted by HannaB13[/QUOTE]

Im glad to see that you are taking the advice very well! So refreshing!

AdeleDazeem

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_marriage-certificate-already-signed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3266739a-1946-446b-a204-f57faa0acbddPost:cb3c29e4-69e7-4bed-b88f-f84524ab3907">Re: Marriage Certificate Already Signed,</a>:
[QUOTE]I like Joy's thumbs up--I had faith that someone would find a way to "like" a post!!
Posted by Knot Irene[/QUOTE]

::looks around::

I stole it from The Bump.  Shhhhh!

Jen4948

Yes, you need to tell them that you are married now.  That happened when you signed your marriage certificate, regardless of why.

bopple321

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_marriage-certificate-already-signed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3266739a-1946-446b-a204-f57faa0acbddPost:0aab0bac-f77f-47b9-87c4-70eea8dca265">Marriage Certificate Already Signed,</a>:
[QUOTE]Hi, I'm sure I'm not the first person to have done this.  My fiance(/husband) and I got engaged last September and our wedding is this September. When his job cut his hours, he lost his medical benefits. I have good benefits and I worry about him, so I added him to mine. In order to do so we had to get legally married, so we went down to the courthouse last month and signed our marriage certificate. So, we're married in the eyes of the government already. We haven't told any of our family and I'm worried that my parents will withdraw their financial support of the wedding if we do tell them, but it's going to come up at the ceremony! I know I'm not the first person who's done this, so does anyone have any suggestions on how to approach it with the family? Any suggestions would be great, thank you!
Posted by HannaB13[/QUOTE]

I would definitely come clean to your parents.  They might be hurt that you denied them the opportunity to see you married, even if it meant only driving to the courthouse to watch you sign a piece of paper.  I would not, however, cancel my whole wedding.  You can still throw a party (ie: the reception part of the wedding) to celebrate your marriage and give your friends/family a really good time!  Wedding ceremonies and wedding receptions are not the same thing so you could do away with the ceremony and just stick with the reception.  Then again, perhaps you have family members who would want to watch a ceremony, even if the marriage is already official.  This is totally up to your family.  I had cousins who were legally married in CA, but because the family is all on the east coast they flew back here and had a wedding, ceremony and all.  In this case, everyone knew they were already married but EVERYONE was thrilled to still go to their wedding.  I think it really depends on your communication with your family and how they think of these events.

Amyzen83

"Tell your parents, because lying to them to get their money is stealing. 
Cancel your wedding, because you are already married. 
Invite people to a fun party to celebrate. 
Choices have consequences"

Harsh and uncalled for Starmoon!

It sounds like the couple did what they had to do so their health would be covered, I'd personally hate to have my wedding be a legal thing at a court wearing jeans and a t-shirt and not being able to follow through with what I had originally planned!

I don't think you need to cancel your wedding but since your folks money is involved, YOU NEED TO TELL THEM. Be prepared that they may not want to contribute as much or at all, but if you sit down and explain your situation they may be understanding, but do be prepared that you may need to cover the costs of your wedding ceremony. I do not want a courthouse wedding and if I was forced into one, I'd want the religious church ceremony friends and family involved, so I understand why you'd want to do this, but BE OPEN AND HONEST, don't lie to anyone.

QueerFemme

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_marriage-certificate-already-signed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:3266739a-1946-446b-a204-f57faa0acbddPost:0aab0bac-f77f-47b9-87c4-70eea8dca265">Marriage Certificate Already Signed,</a>:
[QUOTE]Hi, I'm sure I'm not the first person to have done this.  My fiance(/husband) and I got engaged last September and our wedding is this September. When his job cut his hours, he lost his medical benefits. I have good benefits and I worry about him, so I added him to mine. In order to do so we had to get legally married, so we went down to the courthouse last month and signed our marriage certificate. So, we're married in the eyes of the government already. We haven't told any of our family and I'm worried that my parents will withdraw their financial support of the wedding if we do tell them, but it's going to come up at the ceremony! I know I'm not the first person who's done this, so does anyone have any suggestions on how to approach it with the family? Any suggestions would be great, thank you!
Posted by HannaB13[/QUOTE]

You already had your wedding.  If you want to hold a party to celebrate your marriage in September, feel free to do so. But don't lie to anyone and cancel the fake ceremony do-over.

You made a decision to get married to give your husband insurance.  He is your HUSBAND, not your fiance.  You could have figured out a way to buy indepdent insurance, or add him as a domestic partner if your employer allowed that, but you didn't.  You got married.  Unless you get divorced between now and September, cancel the fake wedding.

NYCMercedes

In Response to Amyzen, "It sounds like they did what they had to do so that their health would be covered." THEIR HEALTH COULD HAVE BEEN COVERED IN OH SO MANY WAYS. He could still get healthcare. He could still buy insurance independently. They could still have foregone the future wedding. What don't you get? "I'd personally hate to have my wedding be a legal thing at a court wearing jeans and a t-shirt. ... and if I was forced into one..." How insensitive and entitled this statement! This comment is very insulting to those who had a courthouse wedding and even moreso to those who CANNOT have a courthouse wedding. That's only because you CAN have a legal courthouse wedding. Imagine if you couldn't! Stardom was not at all harsh or making an uncalled for remark. Look to yourself.

lennonkdc

OP, I agree that you should come clean to you parents and be ready to accept the consequences. PP have covered all the reasons why, so I won't repeat that here. I will add though, that since you are married and therefore a WIFE you should turn down any bridal showers and a B-party. 

FWIW my FI and I are in the same boat, He has HI, I don't. We're waiting so we can have a big family wedding, its not an easy choice, but we didn't want to lie to family or invite our nearest and dearest to see us dress up for a wedding do-over.