To pre-nup or not to pre-nup?

MelTimm27

Hi ladies, yes theres two-sides to the story of the anti-nuptial contract or not. I love my FH incredibly but I am a realist. Life throws things at us that we could never expect. So I just want to be prepared.

He agreed with me completely in the beginning but at some point he completely changed his mind about this contract, do I forge ahead or just let him have this round? I realise that I sound a bit lax about it, but I rally do want to do it, just dont have the energy for the disagreement that might ensue.

mrskristinyc

They're really only necessary if you have significant assets.

calliopeia2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_to-pre-nup-or-not-to-pre-nup?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:330b030b-16c9-48d3-a7c3-c374043e8942Post:ec06cd54-e191-496d-b41b-0652a3c5254c">Re: To pre-nup or not to pre-nup?</a>:
[QUOTE]They're really only necessary if you have significant assets.
Posted by mrskristinyc[/QUOTE]

This.  (Or if there's a large discrepancy in how much in the way of assets each of you is bringing into the marriage, or if there are children from a previous marriage involved.)

calliopeia2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_to-pre-nup-or-not-to-pre-nup?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:330b030b-16c9-48d3-a7c3-c374043e8942Post:f139c376-ddee-4a46-a217-9106e9482715">Re:To prenup or not to prenup?</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>Do you refer to it as an "anti nuptial" contract around him too?</strong> Because I'm thinking that might make me turn against the idea too. Honestly, your post here comes across to me as pretty flippant and I'm wondering if you are coming across that way to your FI too. It really does sound like "well, I don't THINK we'll get divorced, but yeah maybe we will". That might be why he's balking now when he was initially on board. I suggest you guys sit down with a lawyer and discuss this. The lawyer can go over all the other things a pre nup can protect against besides divorce. Perhaps that will help ease your FI's mind.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

I think it's just just a typo for antenuptial, which is what they're called in many states....

OliveOilsMom

If you are Catholic and having a Catholic wedding you are not allowed to have a prenup.  If that happens to be the case here.

And I agree with other PP.  I think they are useful for many couples, but sometimes it would be just a waste of attorney's fees.

calliopeia2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_to-pre-nup-or-not-to-pre-nup?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:330b030b-16c9-48d3-a7c3-c374043e8942Post:55a3fd6a-a1f5-4550-987a-858a2c467b24">Re:To prenup or not to prenup?</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm still thinking using that phrasing out loud might be part of the issue.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

Since it sounds like he was on board at first, rather than reacting negatively straight out, I doubt that's the issue.  I think it's much more likely that he realized it wasn't necessary based on their assets.  The same thing happened with my FI and me.

lyndausvi

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_to-pre-nup-or-not-to-pre-nup?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:330b030b-16c9-48d3-a7c3-c374043e8942Post:ec06cd54-e191-496d-b41b-0652a3c5254c">Re: To pre-nup or not to pre-nup?</a>:
[QUOTE]They're really only necessary if you have significant assets.
Posted by mrskristinyc[/QUOTE]

<div>No, that is not correct.  They can also protect people from debt going into a marriage.  The can protect future earnings.   They can even lay out such plans as if someone becomes a SAHP.  The SAHP could be entitled to certain money or support for putting their career.   </div><div>
</div><div>There are a lot of things pre-nups can protect other than assets going into a marriage.</div>

s-aries8990

If there is something major that could come into play, then express how it can help him too. tell his that if you get struck by lightening and somehow turn into a horrible, horrible, person, he'll be protected too!

mandi195

I really don't like them, honestly. To me it says "we love eachother, but when we decide we hate eachother, I want to make sure you're not going to try to screw me over." I say this as someone who was once married to a man who demanded a pre-nup... and in the end, it was a waste of time and money. At least in WI, the judge doesn't have to acknowledge the prenup if any part of it sounds contradictory to what state law says... so, for example, WI is a 50/50 state... so the judge questioned anything in the prenup that was not in line with that. He could have chose to go against the prenup if he wanted to, but again, that was my case here in WI.

Do you think the person you're marrying isn't the one you'll be with forever? Do you think, God forbid, that if your marriage failed that they would be the kind of person to try to screw you over financially, or hurt you in that way? If you answer yes to either of these questions, maybe you should be questioning whether or not to get married, not whether or not to have a pre-nup.

entropicbeauty

My husband went through bankruptcy before we got married, so I absolutely believed in getting a pre-nup in order. He wants to be an entrepreneur and with that there are certain risks...I didn't want there to be any way for my assets to get pulled into that, though I do emotionally support his desire to create his own business, I also want to be able to pay our bills if things go awry.

It doesn't have to be about divorce.

MelTimm27

Hi ladies, all very valid points, thank you!

StageManager, to rectify myself, yes I meant ANTEnuptial, and no, I dont say that around him.

Mandi195, no, I dont think he could ever hurt me that way nor could I do that to him. Im the complete opposite of brutal and he's a sweetheart!

To be honest my mother had also been going on about it, and NO, Im not thinking about it because she's telling me, Im thinking about it because I want to. And no, its not a divorce contingency plan. We've gone through a lot and Ive stood by him every step of the way so I would never be the first to walk away. Life is unpredicable. That's how I feel and I think its best to just be safe.

He's actually the one that has a bit of money, so that would benefit him, but he's also the one thats been naughty with debt in the past, so that would benefit me! Therefore, whatever happens in life, I just want us both to be covered-no matter what!

J&K10910

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_to-pre-nup-or-not-to-pre-nup?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:330b030b-16c9-48d3-a7c3-c374043e8942Post:afeef6d9-4884-4bab-87e1-f9bf8950df11">Re: To pre-nup or not to pre-nup?</a>:
[QUOTE]I really don't like them, honestly. To me it says "we love eachother, but when we decide we hate eachother, I want to make sure you're not going to try to screw me over." I say this as someone who was once married to a man who demanded a pre-nup... and in the end, it was a waste of time and money. At least in WI, the judge doesn't have to acknowledge the prenup if any part of it sounds contradictory to what state law says... so, for example, WI is a 50/50 state... so the judge questioned anything in the prenup that was not in line with that. He could have chose to go against the prenup if he wanted to, but again, that was my case here in WI. <strong>Do you think the person you're marrying isn't the one you'll be with forever? Do you think, God forbid, that if your marriage failed that they would be the kind of person to try to screw you over financially, or hurt you in that way? If you answer yes to either of these questions, maybe you should be questioning whether or not to get married, not whether or not to have a pre-nup.</strong>
Posted by mandi195[/QUOTE]

I always find this line of reasoning ridiculous.  Of course you don't imagine any of those things when you marry someone, or you hopefully don't marry them.  I think a lot people that get divorced do so because their spouse does something that they never would have imagined.  So is it so difficult to fathom that someone that might damage a relationship enough in a surprising enough way to make you want to end it would be out for blood in the actual divorce?  Maybe they wouldn't be, but you just don't know until it happens.

arendiva

I support prenups. I don't think they are unromantic. I think they are practical. People can change over decades. The person you are marrying now is different than the person you will be married to in 20 year. My FI cowork just went through a horrible divorce. After 20+ years of  being happily married and having 2 kids (now teens) his wife decided to run of with another woman. he did nothing wrong . She cheated on him. His is now paying $60,000/year in combined alimony and child support (even though he has 50% custody of the kids). She refuses to work even though she has a college degree and the kids are old enough to take care of themselves. He may very well be stuck supporting her forever. I'm not saying a prenup would have fixed all his problems (he would still have to pay the exorbant child support) but he would have been better off than he is now.

Peledreamsofrain

Actually, some marriages require either a prenup or a postnup. My fiance is a lawyer, and his firm will require a postnup in order to employ him. Essentially I have to agree not to sink my claws into the firm and take it with me as an asset in the event of a divorce. Mwahaha

lyndausvi

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_to-pre-nup-or-not-to-pre-nup?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:330b030b-16c9-48d3-a7c3-c374043e8942Post:afeef6d9-4884-4bab-87e1-f9bf8950df11">Re: To pre-nup or not to pre-nup?</a>:
[QUOTE]I really don't like them, honestly. To me it says "we love eachother, but when we decide we hate eachother, I want to make sure you're not going to try to screw me over." I say this as someone who was once married to a man who demanded a pre-nup... and in the end, it was a waste of time and money. At least in WI, the judge doesn't have to acknowledge the prenup if any part of it sounds contradictory to what state law says... so, for example, WI is a 50/50 state... so the judge questioned anything in the prenup that was not in line with that. He could have chose to go against the prenup if he wanted to, but again, that was my case here in WI. Do you think the person you're marrying isn't the one you'll be with forever? Do you think, <strong>God forbid, that if your marriage failed that they would be the kind of person to try to screw you over financially, or hurt you in that way? If you answer yes to either of these questions, maybe you should be questioning whether or not to get married, not whether or not to have a pre-nup.</strong>
Posted by mandi195[/QUOTE]

<div>I have to give a big ole' eye-roll to that.  It's NEVER that black and white.   Crap happens even to good people.</div>

TaraKeeley

As PPs have said, prenups can actually protect people while they stay married, as well. And the things about them only being necessary if you have lots of money or property right now isn't true. They can also make guidelines about the things you obtain, individually or as a couple, after you've gotten married. Depending on your state, etc., prenups can also cover clauses about fidelity, sex, or other personal issues... if you'd like a prenup, it may be a good idea for you to lay out your rational reasons to your FI and ask that he at least go see a lawyer with you to discuss options.

s-aries8990

I plan on getting one, I have a sibling with special needs who I will eventually become guardian of. In the even of my death, who will he go to, etc. What about my current student loans?

it takes care of all of that stuff too

ElleB87

We were going to do a prenup but since I'm in the process of starting up my own business we decided to wait until that is established and then we are going to do a postnup. Part of it would protect me and my business related assets in case of divorce and the flip side would protect my H from any debt incurred from the business.

PhoneCardLady

I would probably sign one if my FI asked, as he was married previously and I know he would not want to be burned a second time (and I have no plans on burning him).

Kristen627

This might sound strange, but when we were going through the process, it almost felt romantic in a sense... like we were protecting each other and planning for the future. My fiance works in a high-income and high-stock-options industry and splitting our assets pre-marriage was important to protect them later on. For instance, if I run over a pedestrian in a crosswalk ten years from now and they sue me, they won't be able to go after my husband's stock options/cash earned before our marriage because there is a paper trail dictating that those belong soely to him and are not shared property.

hoffse

You might suggest putting in a sunset clause and see if that makes him more willing to talk about it.  Basically what that would do is have the prenup expire after a certain number of years, unless you reaffirm it.

I would like one since both FI and I are (or will be) attorneys, but he finds them unromantic.  We're also planning on combining all our finances except for student loan debt.  I'm still working on it.

Oh and OP, you should probably both seek separate counsel if you want it to be upheld - usually that's something they look at (though this is not legal advice of course).

ootmother2

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_to-pre-nup-or-not-to-pre-nup?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:330b030b-16c9-48d3-a7c3-c374043e8942Post:8f8f2807-58ac-4b4c-a83b-5ddd9f759d14">Re: To pre-nup or not to pre-nup?</a>:
[QUOTE]If you are Catholic and having a Catholic wedding you are not allowed to have a prenup.  If that happens to be the case here. And I agree with other PP.  I think they are useful for many couples, but sometimes it would be just a waste of attorney's fees.
Posted by OliveOilsMom[/QUOTE]

This is incorrect. Both my daughter and I married in the Catholic Church and had prenups.
We both had trusts that required them.

Ajuliana

So glad you cleared up the Catholic issue, Ootmother...My brother and his now-wife signed one, although they did get to skip a lot of the other "required" Catholic pre-wedding requirements.  My prenup with my FI is only going to get longer, since instead of just one party being trustee of a family trust, we both are.  

The whole line of crap that is "Don't you know for certain that nothing will ever ever happen to your marriage because you're soulmates" drives me crazy.  People can get hit in the head and their personality can completely change.  I just view it similarly to a will, and think it's a necessity if you have or will have something or someone to protect.