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Plus One Question?

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Re: Plus One Question?

  • bopple321bopple321 member
    10 Comments First Anniversary
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_plus-one-question-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:33fc636d-f372-4906-83f8-f5ff0716243aPost:880b168b-ca3d-4447-91e6-367116b5549e">Re: Plus One Question?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Plus One Question? : I agree that the 16-year-old's boyfriend doesn't need to be invited, but how are you judging "very long-term committed relationships"?  FI and I only dated a year before we got engaged, so clearly things were pretty serious for us early on, but I don't think we would have made your cut.   This is why anyone over 18 with a significant other at the time the invites go out - no matter if they just met the significant other and this is crazy but here's her number so call her maybe - is invited with that SO.  If the relationship status changes between the time the invites go out and the time the wedding takes place, then you can reevaluate, but as far as who gets an initial invitation, etiquette is very clear-cut.  You, the host, don't get to decide how serious someone's relationship is.
    Posted by brielleinlove[/QUOTE]

    I should also make it clear that none of the other single people on our guest list are currently dating anyone, so there's no one to exclude.  Our wedding is mainly immediate family with a few close friends, so most of the couples in attendance are already married.
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  • misshart00misshart00 member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    In Response to Re:Plus One Question?:[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Plus One Question?:In Response to Re:Plus One Question?: What do you define as very long term and committed?Posted by misshart00I have certain family members and friends who have been living with their SOs for many years or who have been dating the same person for many years, but who are just not married yet.nbsp; These are really just a very few, specific cases like only 3 couples, and my family ususally treats the SO as a spouse anyway and these people are typically considered a "unit" in all events.nbsp; Posted by bopple321[/QUOTE]

    So you're just inviting couples if they've been together for years? You should really invite all SOs.
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  • bopple321bopple321 member
    10 Comments First Anniversary
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_plus-one-question-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:33fc636d-f372-4906-83f8-f5ff0716243aPost:e069630c-3257-42d2-9280-50f1b40270a8">Re:Plus One Question?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re:Plus One Question? : Huh.  Guess FI wouldn't be invited with me to your wedding, then.  Including our engagement, we've been together for a year and nine months.
    Posted by brielleinlove[/QUOTE]

    Of course if you were engaged to someone, even for less than a year, you and your fiance would be invited.  I'm only talking specifically about my family and group of guests and there isn't anyone who has those same circumstances right now. Someone that a person is engaged to be married to is certainly significant! 
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  • auriannaaurianna member
    Ninth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_plus-one-question-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:33fc636d-f372-4906-83f8-f5ff0716243aPost:81aa4016-ef2d-4de6-862c-2d4ee9c07e94">Re: Plus One Question?</a>:
    [QUOTE] I know that my fiance and I decided that the "plus one" was only going to be extended to those people we knew were already married (duh) or in VERY long-term, committed relationships.  <strong>If they don't want to come because their boyfriends aren't on the list, sadly it seems it will be their loss that they'll miss out on your beautiful wedding.</strong>
    Posted by bopple321[/QUOTE]

    If you aren't already married, please rethink this.
    it is against etiquette to not invite <em>every </em>adult with their SO. They are a social unit and splitting them up is rude.
    You can't make an arbitrary cut off of "very long term." It isn't up to you to judge the seriousness of a relationship.
    I have a friend who was engaged after 4 months and one who hadn't exchanged "i love yous" with her bf until they'd been together 2 years. But if it were up to you you'd invite the latter and not the former??
    You don't judge their seriousness with time. You ask them straight up if they are in a relationship, and if so, you invite them too, by name.

    As to the bolded.... no, they won't be missing out. They decided they don't want to go to a celebration of your union if you don't respect theirs. And they'd rather not travel alone, eat alone and dance alone, while the person most important to them was stuck at home.

    Properly host ALL your guests and let them bring the other half of their social unit.
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  • bopple321bopple321 member
    10 Comments First Anniversary
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_plus-one-question-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:33fc636d-f372-4906-83f8-f5ff0716243aPost:a765645a-a623-4282-a290-b04f9937be35">Re: Plus One Question?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Plus One Question? : Define, please. 
    Posted by AddieL73[/QUOTE]


    I mean that I have several family members who have been in relationships with people for years but are not married.  Right now, we don't have any friends or family who are in new relationships.  In these specific circumstances, they're either truly single or have been together for several years.  Again, I'm only talking about what applies to my specific group of guests.  Others might have friends/family in new relationships.
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  • bopple321bopple321 member
    10 Comments First Anniversary
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_plus-one-question-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:33fc636d-f372-4906-83f8-f5ff0716243aPost:b21fda6a-702c-469f-93d1-dc12045afdc2">Re: Plus One Question?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Plus One Question? : If you aren't already married, please rethink this. it is against etiquette to not invite every adult with their SO. They are a social unit and splitting them up is rude. You can't make an arbitrary cut off of "very long term." It isn't up to you to judge the seriousness of a relationship. I have a friend who was engaged after 4 months and one who hadn't exchanged "i love yous" with her bf until they'd been together 2 years. But if it were up to you you'd invite the latter and not the former?? You don't judge their seriousness with time. You ask them straight up if they are in a relationship, and if so, you invite them too, by name. As to the bolded.... no, they won't be missing out. They decided they don't want to go to a celebration of your union if you don't respect theirs. And they'd rather not travel alone, eat alone and dance alone, while the person most important to them was stuck at home. Properly host ALL your guests and let them bring the other half of their social unit.
    Posted by aurianna[/QUOTE]

    Please read my other posts where I defined what I meant by very long term.  Our current friends/family are either truly single or have been together for many years.  Right now we don't have anyone on the guest list who falls in between, so there's no one to exclude.  I was speaking only about my guests, specifically.  And for the bolded section, I was just trying to make the poster feel better about the situation by saying that her wedding would be something beautiful and something to miss out on.
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  • bopple321bopple321 member
    10 Comments First Anniversary
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_plus-one-question-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:33fc636d-f372-4906-83f8-f5ff0716243aPost:84fa15b8-5fee-4610-9501-5534bacc716d">Re: Plus One Question?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Plus One Question? : It doesn't matter if you aren't excluding because there happens to be no one to exclude.  My BIL is still a homophobe even when there aren't any gay people around for him to actively insult.  You stated that your criteria was married or very long term relationships only.  It doesn't matter if the people who would be left out just so happened to not exist in YOUR family.  It's still a rude precedent.
    Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

    I wasn't trying to set a precedent, I was just discussing the circumstances of my wedding.  I didn't mean it to come across as my "criteria," it's just how things happened to work out in this case.  I don't claim to judge the validity of someone's relationship based on time together, again, I was only talking about my own group here.  Up in my original post I said that I think that if the poster is giving +1s to many people, then she should extend them also to the two ladies in question.  But if she wasn't giving out +1s (it sounded like she wasn't) then I don't think she should have to make an exception for only 2 people on her whole guest list (because then wouldn't everyone want to bring someone?).  And, if she's NOT giving out plus ones to other guests, I don't think she needs to feel obligated to invite the boyfriend of a minor because, like others have said, she's been invited along with her family.
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  • Amyzen83Amyzen83 member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer First Anniversary
    It doesn't matter if you aren't excluding because there happens to be no one to exclude.  My BIL is still a homophobe even when there aren't any gay people around for him to actively insult.  You stated that your criteria was married or very long term relationships only.  It doesn't matter if the people who would be left out just so happened to not exist in YOUR family.  It's still a rude precedent.


    THIS! I was in the begining stages of a relationship with my now FI  and one of my closest friends was getting married, due to the timing of the relationship start and when her wedding was, meant that she couldn't afford to invite him... I"m assuming, I didn't ask her whether I could bring him. But all I can say was that, the wedding reception would have been a lot more enjoyable if I could have brought him. Truth be told the dancing part sucks when your SO isn't there and it would feel so wrong dancing with anybody else.
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  • PeledreamsofrainPeledreamsofrain member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    I don't see how my relationship was less valid with my husband because we dated for a year as opposed to 5.  If someone in his family had exluded me from a wedding because of some random 'relationship ruler' of theirs that I had failed, I would have been insulted, and felt very unwelcome in his family.

    Luckily everyone in his family is really pleasant, inclusive, and would never toss me off the 'invite boat' because we didn't waste time when we knew we'd found the person we wanted to each grow old with.
    Don't make me mobilize OffensiveKitten

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  • ZiggyZosZiggyZos member
    Third Anniversary 100 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper
    I just want to say that I have a major girl-crush on Stage right now for Jensen Ackles GIF. Swoon! And also, ditto everyone saying not to split couples regardless of relationship duration. I would likely invite both the cousin's BF and the "f-buddy" neighbor.
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  • fionahalliwellfionahalliwell member
    100 Comments 25 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper
    Wow. My parents got engaged after six months of dating and married six weeks after they got engaged. Of course, they'd been friends for 22 years. Wonder where they fall on the scale? 
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  • PeledreamsofrainPeledreamsofrain member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_plus-one-question-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:33fc636d-f372-4906-83f8-f5ff0716243aPost:0b1835cd-64ba-4681-97fd-85f89baf888d">Re: Plus One Question?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Wow. My parents got engaged after six months of dating and married six weeks after they got engaged. Of course, they'd been friends for 22 years. Wonder where they fall on the scale? 
    Posted by fionahalliwell[/QUOTE]

    Nope nope, that's right out. 
    Don't make me mobilize OffensiveKitten

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  • SephirothSephiroth member
    10 Comments
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_plus-one-question-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:33fc636d-f372-4906-83f8-f5ff0716243aPost:4d3f692e-e821-4845-8fe2-1b67d2766704">Re: Plus One Question?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Plus One Question? : I wasn't trying to set a precedent, I was just discussing the circumstances of my wedding.  I didn't mean it to come across as my "criteria," it's just how things happened to work out in this case.  I don't claim to judge the validity of someone's relationship based on time together, again, I was only talking about my own group here.  Up in my original post I said that I think that if the poster is giving +1s to many people, then she should extend them also to the two ladies in question.  But if she wasn't giving out +1s (it sounded like she wasn't) then I don't think she should have to make an exception for only 2 people on her whole guest list (because then wouldn't everyone want to bring someone?).  And, if she's NOT giving out plus ones to other guests, I don't think she needs to feel obligated to invite the boyfriend of a minor because, like others have said, she's been invited along with her family.
    Posted by bopple321[/QUOTE]

    You really set it up as your 'criteria' in your earlier post. You did not say "for us it just so happened that none of our friends were in new relationships, so we didn't have this problem" (which would have been a weird thing to say anyway). You said that you had DECIDED that the ONLY people who would be included were married people and people in VERY LONG TERM COMMITTED RELATIONSHIPS.

    Your words, interpretted logically, mean that was your criteria for determining who got invites. Maybe you didn't mean that, but that's what you did, in fact, say.
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  • suzie211suzie211 member
    250 Love Its 500 Comments Third Anniversary Name Dropper
    The length of a relationship ship should not be a deciding factor in how committed a couple is.   Using that criteria to invite quests with a plus one or SO to weddings is silly.   I've been on the receiving end of this when a friend deemed my relationship with FI was too new and invited me solo to her wedding.   I declined the invite because of it.

    The minor is a tricky situation.  I've known teens to have a new relationship every month and I've known others grow up and marry their high school sweetheart.  If you are close enough with the family to invite this girl to your wedding, ask how long this relationship has been going on.  If its not the flavor of the month, in all honesty, I would probably extend the courtesy of the invite.  

    As for the neighbor,  whatever that relationship title is, she thinks of him as more the just a friend.  So I would also invite him.  She's essentially told you she's in a relationship. 
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  • ViczaesarViczaesar member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_plus-one-question-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:33fc636d-f372-4906-83f8-f5ff0716243aPost:81aa4016-ef2d-4de6-862c-2d4ee9c07e94">Re: Plus One Question?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Sorry if this is repeating what anyone else has already said, but you are not obligated to invite either of these "plus ones."  You are under no obligation to invite the new boyfriend of a 16 year old (who might not even be dating this person come the wedding) <strong>nor are you under any obligation to invite the neighbor with whom your cousin is having an affair.</strong>  You would be perfectly in your right to say "I'm so sorry, but we're not extending plus ones.  I do hope you'll come anyway as we'd love to have you there."  I know that my fiance and I decided that the "plus one" was only going to be extended to those people we knew were already married (duh) or in VERY long-term, committed relationships.  If they don't want to come because their boyfriends aren't on the list, sadly it seems it will be their loss that they'll miss out on your beautiful wedding. ** just to edit my post - I had an afterthought.  If you are, in fact, extending "plus ones" to all other unmarried couples (not that married couples would really be a +1, but you get what I mean), then you should, of course, extend the same to these people as well.  I'm just assuming that you're not extending +1s to guests (which is fine) and that's why this is an issue. 
    Posted by bopple321[/QUOTE]
    Why do you say affair?



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  • bopple321bopple321 member
    10 Comments First Anniversary
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_plus-one-question-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:33fc636d-f372-4906-83f8-f5ff0716243aPost:641bf0b5-0d7f-4448-91db-f2f394b6569d">Re: Plus One Question?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Plus One Question? : Why do you say affair?
    Posted by Viczaesar[/QUOTE]


    I used the term because it's "a sexual relationship between two people who are not married to eachother" and the original poster said that she was told by her cousin that she was sleeping with the neighbor but that she did not consider him a boyfriend.  I know that most people think affair automatically means cheating on someone, but that's actually only one way the word can be used. 
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  • SephirothSephiroth member
    10 Comments
    edited March 2013
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_plus-one-question-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:33fc636d-f372-4906-83f8-f5ff0716243aPost:e7f67680-cfef-43ed-bc65-0e29bf1e3a70">Re: Plus One Question?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Plus One Question? : I used the term because it's "a sexual relationship between two people who are not married to eachother" and the original poster said that she was told by her cousin that she was sleeping with the neighbor but that she did not consider him a boyfriend.  I know that most people think affair automatically means cheating on someone, but that's actually only one way the word can be used. 
    Posted by bopple321[/QUOTE]

    Wait, so you're saying that everyone who is in a sexual relationship before (or after) marriage is "having an affair"?

    You know, this is the second time you've displayed some real issues with language and communication. Words mean things, you see, and what they mean is generally agreed upon by the society and culture that uses them. In modern society and culture, yes, 'affair' has strong connotations of 'extramarital affair'.

    You cannot use words that you know have a strong cultural connotation and then play the wide-eyed innocent that people assumed you meant what you said.
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  • Knottie_22382049Knottie_22382049 member
    I would give them both plus 1's if the budget allows. 

    You still have some time before the invitations need to be sent out and your cousin can be in a relationship with this guy by then. 

    As for the 16 year old you don't have to invite her BF but it would be a nice gesture. Even though she was a brat about asking. 

    FWIW I was dating my SO at 16 and if one of us was invited to a wedding at the time I would have been thrilled for the other to be able to come too. 
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  • auriannaaurianna member
    Ninth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_plus-one-question-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:33fc636d-f372-4906-83f8-f5ff0716243aPost:a06dfba4-1c6a-4e69-a440-324086412418">Re: Plus One Question?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Plus One Question? : Wait, so you're saying that everyone who is in a sexual relationship before (or after) marriage is "having an affair"? You know, this is the second time you've displayed some real issues with language and communication. Words mean things, you see, and what they mean is generally agreed upon by the society and culture that uses them. In modern society and culture, yes, 'affair' has strong connotations of 'extramarital affair'. You cannot use words that you know have a strong cultural connotation and then play the wide-eyed innocent that people assumed you meant what you said.
    Posted by Sephiroth[/QUOTE]

    Affair-
    <span><span style="color:#333333;cursor:default;">4.</span> </span><span><span style="color:#333333;cursor:default;">a</span> <span style="color:#333333;cursor:default;">sexual</span> <span>relationship</span> <span>between</span> <span>two</span> <span>people</span> <span>who</span> <span>are</span> <span>not</span> <span style="color:#333333;cursor:default;">married</span> <span style="color:#333333;cursor:default;">to</span> <span style="color:#333333;cursor:default;">each</span> <span style="color:#333333;cursor:default;">other</span> </span>

    Peopel refer to "love affairs" all the time too. I'd just give the benefit of the doubt on this one.
    That doesn't change the fact that previous wording definitely made it sound like she had criteria that would have split up couples...
    But it sounds like her wedding won't have split couples afterall, so all is well.


    Again, OP, invites should go out 6-8 weeks prior to the wedding. So you've got another month to better guage the neighbor-relationship. (though, if she asked you specifically if he could come, I'd probably just let him).
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  • DoubleLL1118DoubleLL1118
    10 Comments
    edited March 2013
    OP, my wedding is same day as yours. Congrats.
    My off cut off for guests was if they have graduated highschool.
    No if and's or butt's (no cousins of mine or FI's are emancipated).
    So if they have NOT graduated highschool, they do not NEED nor do they get a guest. Everyone else does.

    The 16 year old does not need a guest.

    If it were me I would be inviting the cousin's "F-buddy" before I invited a 16 year old's boyfriend.
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