biological father

Chel0425

My fiance (Scott) was adopted by his "Dad" when he was four. He has always known his real father though. However his biological father has been in and out of jail all of my scott's life (Drug related). His biological's father mother (Scott's Grandma) has always been part of his life and I want to include her in the wedding (being walked in by an usher like all the other grandparents). Not everyone knows that Scott has two dads, and he doesn't really want to include him in the wedding. Should I try to talk him into putting his biological father's name in the announcement, program?? Should I have him walk in with behind his mother since her husband is not living anymore (like the grandfathers will)? Any advice on this touchy subject would be much appreciated!

WildRumpus

If I'm reading this correctly, it sounds like your fiance already told you what he wanted to do-nothing. Is his biological father even going to be invited? I'm assuming so since you're asking about including him in the program. Does your fiance want him there? It's a touchy situation, but your fiance knows his situation best. If he's not comforable including his biological father as anything more than just another guest, I would leave it alone.

SEWF

Don't try to talk you FI into anything he doesn't want to do. My father hasn't been in my life for almost 20 years, and if my FI tried to talk me into having my father there, I would be royally pissed. I would make no mention of your FI's father. Since he hasn't been in your FI's life, he is lucky to be invited at all. Leave it at that and enjoy the day.

lilianne22

You said that your FI didn't want to include him in the wedding.  It's his father and he should have the final say about his involvement, you shouldn't try to talk him into including his father if he doesn't want to.

SarahPLiz

DOn't try to talk him in to anything he doesn't want to do. If he is invited, I think I would list him somewhere, but if he's not invited, then he needs no recognition at all. Please don't pressure him to invite his bio-father if he doesn't want to. HIs grandmother is still his grandmother even if he has no positive relationship with his father. 

JustKate

Let your FI decide on his biological father's involvement.  If he may want a small something - maybe bio dad could escort his mom (FI's grandma) down the aisle.  But ultimately, let your FI decide if there is any involvement at all. 

tenofcups4me

This is your FH's call. Since he already said he doesn't want to include him, you have your answer.

brilibby4

This is really your fiance's decision, not yours.  You said he did not want to include his biological father in the wedding, and that is his choice. 

squirrly

This isn't your decision to make.  It's not yours to influence.  It's not even a discussion you should have. Your FI told you he doesn't want the man included, so he's not o be included.  Period.  The only thing I'm unclear about from your post is if your FI even wants this guy invited to the wedding.

Do not, do not, do NOT make your FI uncomfortable by trying to force this on him. 

squirrly

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_biological-father?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:355cefbd-43e1-411d-ae82-cdc08c4d7cd4Post:71edc8f6-1bb2-486d-afa6-df5bec9a20cc">Re: biological father</a>:
[QUOTE]DOn't try to talk him in to anything he doesn't want to do. <strong>If he is invited, I think I would list him somewhere</strong>, but if he's not invited, then he needs no recognition at all. Please don't pressure him to invite his bio-father if he doesn't want to. HIs grandmother is still his grandmother even if he has no positive relationship with his father. 
Posted by SarahPLiz[/QUOTE]

Why?  Being mentioned in the program or announcements is an honor.  Apparently her FI doesn't feel like this guy deserves that.  Who are you to say he does?  That's a really personal thing. 

WildRumpus

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_biological-father?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:355cefbd-43e1-411d-ae82-cdc08c4d7cd4Post:6b6dc98b-9bb7-420a-8390-9e08afe050b1">biological father</a>:
[QUOTE]My fiance (Scott) was adopted by his "Dad" when he was four. He has always known his real father though. However his biological father has been in and out of jail all of my scott's life (Drug related). His biological's father mother (Scott's Grandma) has always been part of his life and I want to include her in the wedding (being walked in by an usher like all the other grandparents). Not everyone knows that Scott has two dads, and he doesn't really want to include him in the wedding. Should I try to talk him into putting his biological father's name in the announcement, program?? Should I have him walk in with behind his mother since her husband is not living anymore (like the grandfathers will)? Any advice on this touchy subject would be much appreciated!
Posted by Chel0425[/QUOTE]

(JIC)

*tinkertoy*

What the others said...let FI decide.

sister2groom

Again, your FIs decision. For all you know, even inviting him is more of an honor than FI thinks he deserves and is doing it mainly for his grandmother.

SarahPLiz

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_biological-father?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:355cefbd-43e1-411d-ae82-cdc08c4d7cd4Post:3a472bee-f964-4ebe-be37-936425900bd7">Re: biological father</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: biological father : Why?  Being mentioned in the program or announcements is an honor.  Apparently her FI doesn't feel like this guy deserves that.  Who are you to say he does?  That's a really personal thing. 
Posted by squirrly[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I don't know. It was just my gut, and I said its what I would do. But then again I'm not in this situation so I don't know what I would actually do. I agree that it is up to the FI. 

</div>

stillundecided4

Just for the record-- Take one vote off "have his name in the announcements but not in the wedding". I mis-read the question and voted for that. I agree with others. Let FI  decide how, if at all, he wants to honor is biological dad. Don't try to "talk him into" anything.

Galaxy8227

I agree with PP's.  This is FI's decision, I would let him decide. 

marinabreeze

I also agree with PPs.  That is your FI's call, not yours. 

Both my FI and I have had absentee birth mothers growing up.  Since I now have a relationship with mine, I choose to invite mine to the wedding, but the primary  "mother" honors go to the mother that raised me from the time I was a toddler (my late father's wife), the person I actually call "Mom."  My birth mother understands and acknowledges that my stepmother is my "real mom."  I haven't figured out whether or not to include her in the wedding itself, or how (if she even decides to attend). 

On the other hand, my FI doesn't hasn't spoken to his birth mother in ten years, and so he has no intention of inviting her, much less involving her in the wedding.  That's his call and I have never even broached the subject with him, nor do I intend to.

Parental relationships, especially dysfunctional ones, are very personal, and I don't think that's your place to push your FI to involve his birth father in the wedding.

nannewmur

You need to do whatever your FI is confortable with.  Since many people do not know, to me that means he does not want this broadcast so he needs to make the final decision.

I am adopted with a similar situation except I do not know my biological mother, who basicly left when I was seven.  I don't mean to be harsh, but many people will find the way you used real and biological in your post offensive.  My real mom is my adoptive mom who raised me and was always there from age eight on.  I love her dearly and I would call her my real mom and not adoptive mom.  Biological mom chose not to be involved in my life, but I am greatful she gave me life and it ends at that.  Adoptees, and there are many, are very sensitive to the use of real and biological!!

mysticl

This decision is 100% up to your FI.  If you try to convince him to do something other than what he wants he will only see you as being unsupportive of him and not respecting his wishes.  Not the best place to start your marriage at. 

moosebaby2011

I vote for option 5 - let your fiance decide.

Chel0425

Thanks to all. I think there was some misunderstanding. I am not trying to force anything on him. He just doesnt really know what to do so I am trying to figure out some options for him. More than anything I don't want to take away from his Dad, but he and I both know we need to honor his Paternal Grandmother.